Heroes and Villains: Chapter eight

Sara watched numbly as her mother finished speaking, and Grissom slowly gestured the officer inside to lead her away.

The irony of the situation didn't fail to hit her, as she realised she stood in the exact same position she had when Grissom told a murder suspect he couldn't have her.

She was barely thinking by the time she fled the observation room, and whirled rapidly down the hall, not stopping until she reached the warm safety of her car, and slid behind the wheel.

She sagged back in her seat slowly, shaking so much she knew she would never be able to twist the key in the ignition successfully.

This was… too much. It really was. Of all people, her mother had persuaded Grissom to utter such a confession, and Sara didn't know if she had known she would be watching and it would be some added torment, or whether her target had been entirely Grissom.

"God…" she hissed, sucking in a deep, painful breath.

I can't handle this.

Does this really change anything? He still thinks he can't do it.

Of course it changes things. It changes everything. He said he loves you.

She drew in a deep breath, sitting forward slowly. There was really only one way to handle this, and she had to do it soon, or it would be too painful later. Straightening resolutely, she started the engine, backing out of the lot.

It has to be done.

00000000000

Grissom sighed deeply as he let himself into his office, and slumped into his chair.

The interview with Sara's mother had been draining if nothing else, if not only for shattering Sara's previous fragile faith in her mother's innocence, but also for the feelings it evoked.

If an outsider can come in and pick apart the last five years like they were nothing, then what does everybody else see?

He remembered both Warrick and Catherine's earlier advice, and it made him uneasy now when he realised he hadn't been fooling anybody.

He buried his face against his palm, uttering another deep, long suffering sigh. It was still early on in shift, but he supposed he could go home now. They had their perps, and now the only task was follow-up paperwork, which could definitely wait another night. Besides, it looked like everyone else had already gone.

"Wow, you like look hell".

He resisted lowering his head to his desk. Of course she was still here.

"Thank you, Catherine", he said dryly.

She scoffed slightly, vaguely pacing into the room as she idly fingered some of his specimens. "So I hear congratulations are in order", she said drolly. "You caught your suspect".

"I'm not sure that's a good thing".

Catherine paused, eyeing him nonchalantly. "Gil… Sara must have known it was likely that she was guilty. She would have prepared for the worst."

"Mmm", he responded noncommittally.

She rolled her eyes at his lack of response. "When are you going to learn, Grissom?" she muttered with a blunt edge to her voice, spinning and leaving him his solace again.

Grissom frowned at her departure, bothered by what she had meant with that comment. He was too exhausted to ponder it now, and absently straightened his desk, rising to retrieve his jacket.

For the first time he could remember, he could finally acknowledge his feelings for Sara in his mind. He had always known they were complex and profound, but he had never allowed himself to realise how deep they really were. Love was a foreign concept to him, but he couldn't use his lack of experience as an excuse in recognising it. He had always felt differently for Sara, even if he was frustrated, angry or upset. He always unconsciously separated her from their other colleagues in his mind, and he always separated her from other women.

Sara was unique. Special. He could admit he wanted her on a physical level, and until this very moment, he had contented himself with that being his only real motivation. She was a younger, attractive subordinate, and desiring her from afar was natural. It was all he could ever do.

He should have known it would never be that easy.

Grissom strode wearily into his expansive townhouse, the jingle of his keys echoing in the vast space as they clinked on the counter. It occurred to him, not for the first time, how unnecessarily large the place seemed, a concept that had not occurred to him at the time he bought it.

Sighing, he slid out of his jacket, running a hand vaguely though his greying curls before moving around the counter to brew himself some tea. The routine movements required just enough consideration that they distracted his jumbled momentarily, but not for long enough.

Despite the weariness compounded from the last several days, his mind and body together were buzzing with a restless energy that he knew sleep would not be able to rectify. Usually, it was an energy he funnelled into his work, but tonight, he couldn't muster up the enthusiasm.

He could admit, rather grudgingly, that Ecklie's manoeuvres the last few months had quelled the previous passion he had for his job, but it still felt odd to harbour no desire to bury himself in work. It was his escape and the fact that it was the last thing he felt like doing right now rested uneasy in his mind.

Heaving another weary sigh, he settled on his sofa with the latest forensic journal, and attempted to read.

It was three-thirty am when his doorbell rang.

He paused, glancing up with a frown. Only his work colleagues called on him, if ever, and there were certainly few who would dare to come by at this hour.

I guess Catherine wasn't done with her lecture earlier.

Stifling an irritated scowl at her complete disregard for his desire at solitude, he reluctantly crossed to the door.

Sara Sidle lifted her eyes from the patch of door she had been studying with an unusual amount of intensity, brown gaze soft and unreadable as it met with his.

The sight of her beautiful, debonair features washed in distant streetlight so soon after his unbidden confession startled him, and he stared at her uncertainly.

She was so similar to her mother in ways, and yet so different to her as well. She had the same sharp intellect and graceful beauty, yet Sara seemed utterly untouched by sin or malice he could almost completely disassociate the two. But the past had made its mark on her, and he had all too often seen the hauntedness colour her eyes without understanding its meaning.

He stared at her, blue eyes sharp and questioning, pondering her presence with puzzlement, and a certain level of fear now he had managed to acknowledge his inward feelings.

I could never tell her that, could I?

"Hi", she said softly, eyes focused on his.

He licked his lips hesitantly, frowning slightly. "Hi".

She tilted her head in the direction of his living room, expression oddly calm and in control. "We need to talk".

He stepped back, and she slid purposefully past him, turning slowly in the middle of the room so she was facing him, eyes levelled back at him firmly.

Grissom cleared his throat, unused to having her in his personal space, and realising rather uncomfortably that he didn't mind her there one bit. Just because he could admit he was in love with her, did not mean he was making the transition easily.

"Is something wrong, Sara?"

She lifted her chin, but the rest of her body stood firm and impassive, whether intentional or necessary, he wasn't sure.

"I've… done a lot of thinking lately", she started thoughtfully. "I guess if there's one thing I can give my mother credit for, it's that."

She pursed her lips, as if contemplating her next words. Her boldness had definitely never taken her this far before, and it unsettled him more than he cared to admit. "I've been thinking about my life, and what I have to show for it", she said carefully. "It's not much, really. I mean, I've got a great career, but most people my age have more than that. A family, kids. I never really wanted kids, but I kind of thought all that stuff would just fall into place one day. And you know, I just started wondering why don't I let myself have any of that, just because of a stupid job".

Grissom blinked, dumbfounded by her sudden, unexpected confession. He had a sinking feeling in his gut. "Sara… just because your mother… scared you, is no reason to leave the lab".

She actually laughed a little as she leant slightly back against his sofa, but the sound was sad. "Grissom, I'm not leaving the lab. I'm trying to tell you something here."

He was confused. "Okay".

She sighed, seeing he was not taking the hint. "Grissom… I think you know what I'm talking about".

Grissom leant back against the counter unconsciously, eyeing her nervously. "Sara…"

"We both know that this… thing between us isn't going away", she said quietly. "It's there, whether you want to admit it or not. I know you don't want to talk about it, you never do, but I'm tired of working my life around it. I'm tired of… holding back because of it. I deserve better than that."

Grissom knew this conversation would come up some day, but he was in no way prepared for it today, of all days. "Sara, I don't think it's a good idea to –"

"You said you're in love with me".

Grissom blinked, instantly paling. "What—?"

"I heard you. In the observation room." She scoffed humourlessly. "You're in love with me, and my mother knew it before I did".

He narrowed his eyes slightly, voice low and gruff. "So that's why you came here".

Sara stepped forward from the back of the sofa, eyes narrowed. "What did you expect, Grissom? That I would just forget something like that? I'm not some… toy, that you can just turn on an off whenever you please. I… God, I've had feelings for you for years, and you knew it, and even after you knew this, you didn't want me".

Grissom's expression actually crinkled into one of annoyance. She had sprung this conversation on him unexpectedly, and she knew he was uncomfortable with them to begin with. She was playing this by her rules and he didn't like it. "That's not… This is a lot more complicated than that, Sara".

She rolled her eyes. He realised they had made the shift from boss and subordinate to man and woman a few sentences ago, and it filled him with unease. In the workplace, he had the control. Outside of that, Sara had power over him she would never completely understand. He was reluctant to give anyone that kind of sway over him, and if she realised it, he was done.

"Right. What was it you said? You can't be what I need? What does that mean, Grissom? What could I possibly want that you can't give to me? Do you think so little of me that I…" She closed her eyes, looking away.

"You look for validation in inappropriate places", Grissom said quietly. "Isn't that what you said?"

Sara glanced up at him sharply. She drew in a huff, clenching her jaw tightly, and he thought he saw a flicker of hurt come into her eyes. "I wasn't talking about you. I would never… " She ducked her head, hair falling in a darkened curtain around her face. She sighed deeply, deflating slightly. "I know you think the feelings I have for you are just some passing crush, that they're going to go away. That why should you… invest yourself in something when I'm probably not worth it anyway.

"But tell me why I would waste so much of my life pining over something I knew I couldn't have, if it didn't really matter that much to me."

Grissom swallowed, and the room grew silent. Good she looked so hopeless and… utterly defeated. She glanced up at him, and her eyes were sparkling slightly, whether from the light, or her hidden tears, he couldn't tell. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know he could hurt her that badly.

She shook her head, shifting, the last of the indomitable passion ebbed from her voice. "Forget it. I'm going. I can't… be here anymore."

She started to walk towards the door, and paused beside him, glancing at him slowly. "I guess you don't care… that I love you too".

His heart seized painfully in his chest, and by the time her words registered in his mind she was almost at the door. Her fingers closed around the knob before he clutched her around the wrist, turning her to face him abruptly.

"Sara…"

The warmth of her slender frame infused his own she was so close, and he realised she had her back pinned against the door. She swallowed, brown orbs glancing at him uncertainly.

She tilted her head, lifting her hand slowly to slide her smooth fingers over the rough line of his jaw. His skin reacted almost immediately to the intimacy of the touch, and before she could speak, he pressed his lips to hers; silencing any attempts she might have to appease him, as he knew she was once again preparing to do.

Sara was caught momentarily by surprise as he gently probed her lips, fingers sliding over the softness of her hair, palm clinging limply to the side of his face.

If he had been distracted by mere thoughts of her, physical contact was his undoing, and he found his initial hesitancy replaced with raw, pent-up urgency, unsure if he was just having an incredibly vivid hallucination or not, and not caring if he was, because this was Sara and he was kissing her and he just needed her so much…

Sara was so soft and warm against him, and her lips were so plaint and sweet, the fantasies he had allowed himself in his weaker moments were nothing compared to the raw, vibrant reality of Sara Sidle.

Sara felt herself responding to him despite her strong resolve to walk out of there in utter defeat, determined to go on with the rest of her life, even if it meant he was not in it.

How quickly her mind changed. The simple touch of Gil Grissom's hand had her wielding to his every desire, and she would have easily done anything for him at that moment, if only to prolong the contact between them further.

His beard tickled her cheek lightly, a sensation that was completely arousing and caused her to moan involuntarily against his lips.

She had never believed he would act so impulsively, and for the first time since she heard the words, she allowed herself to feel elation at their meaning. Grissom loves me!

Drawing in a deep breath, Grissom drew his head away, breathing heavily. Both of them blinked at each other in the sudden silence of the room, unable to believe that after years of sidestepping and feigned ignorance, that something so undeniable had finally taken place between them.

"Sara", Grissom breathed unsteadily, and she knew the recrimination was coming, even when she could see the heat in his gaze. "I…"

Sara leant forward again, suddenly bolstered with longing, cutting off any meaningless protests or attempts at stilted denial. "Shut up".

Grissom didn't protest or pull away, and Sara clutched the front of his shirt, tugging him into her. Grissom went willingly, unconsciously pressing her against the door with such masculine possession a small whimper escaped her lips, and he instantly clutched her more tightly, rough stubble tickling her flesh as he burned a trail of kisses down from her lips and down her neck.

A grunt escaped him as her fingers tangled in the hair at his nape, and a thrill shot through him, unlike any sensation he had ever experienced when riding rollercoasters or solving crimes. It was intense and overwhelming and allowed himself to give into it completely, relishing the feeling of Sara in his arms. For a man so intelligent, he couldn't believe he had denied himself something that felt so good for so long.

Sara was an adventure he had resisted pursuing for years, and while he had always known the risks were varied, he had never considered how much he had forgone his own happiness for such an unnecessary fear.

Her hands were warm as they pressed against his chest, and his tongue tangled fiercely with hers, starting an intense exploration that had no restraint or hesitancy like it had before.

Sara's slender frame arched into him, and she felt such an exquisite ecstasy as he pressed her more securely into the door, aware that this was Grissom who was assaulting her with such unrestrained passion, and she didn't mind one bit.

His fingers trailed over hers, tangling them together against his chest, and he knew she could feel the rapid thudding of his heartbeat. When they pulled away again, Grissom lowered his face to nestle against her hair, breathing in the scent of her as he allowed the true depth of the situation to overwhelm him.

He gently caressed her palm with his thumb, and Sara sighed, allowing him the silent chance to regroup. He softly ran his other hand over her hair, a way to allow himself to soothe away her hurt and fear with a loving affection he knew he only had the ability to give to her.

Grissom realised he did love her, deeply, and he knew there was no way he would ever be able to refuse her again.

"Grissom?" she murmured softly, shifting his head against her so her wide brown orbs met his.

"God", he muttered hoarsely. "Sara I… I want this so much".

She smiled slightly, uncertainly, and his gaze held an intense promise that infused her with hope. "Me too".

When they kissed again, there were no more words, and the past became a steady blur as they moved towards a newer, brighter future, one that had both of them in it, together.

FIN