CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
CIRCLES
Wrapped only in a robe, Chakotay left the bathroom and made his way to the bedroom. As the doors opened and he stepped inside, he gasped at what he saw. The room was bathed in soft candlelight and the bed was covered in a white satin sheet with matching heart shaped pillows. At the foot of it was a silver tray on which rested a bottle of champagne, a bowl of strawberries and a bowl of cream. Kathryn stood beside the bed, dressed in a low cut seductive blue satin nightdress, and was holding two glasses of champagne in her hands. She smiled warmly when she saw him and closed the gap between them, holding out a glass to him.
Chakotay smiled in return and took the glass. "What's the occasion?"
Kathryn gazed deep into his eyes. "Do we need one?"
"No," he smiled. "Not at all."
Kathryn picked up a strawberry, dipped it in cream, and then put it to his mouth. Chakotay took a bite, which left a little cream on his mouth. Kathryn tenderly traced it with her finger and then, as though drawn to him by an invisible force, put her lips to his mouth and kissed him softly. As she drew away, Chakotay lost himself in her eyes and was aware of nothing but her. Kathryn took his glass from him and put it down on the tray with hers. Then she put her lips to his once more and they kissed with rising passion.
Kathryn drained her morning cup of coffee of all content, and then took it over to the recycler. As she gave the recycling order, Chakotay emerged from the bedroom, robe around him. Kathryn smiled. "Good morning, sleepyhead."
"You should have woken me," he said, going over to her.
"I didn't have the heart. You looked so peaceful." She straightened the collar of his robe. "Besides, I'm going to have to get used to your morning absence once Silvie and Stevie are here."
"Won't be long now. Ready for the invasion?"
Kathryn smiled. "Totally." She then kissed Chakotay's cheek. "And speaking of invasion, you'd better get Petal's play pen set up. Best that we get her used to it now, before they arrive."
"I'll do it as soon as I've had breakfast."
Kathryn put her hand to his cheek. "See you on the bridge."
With that, she left the room.
The bridge was quiet, only a few officers present, when Kathryn arrived there after working on some reports in her ready room. Harry and Tom were talking casually and only Seven appeared to be working. Kathryn addressed her.
"Where is everyone?"
"Making the most of being in safe space, Captain."
"On whose authority?"
"Commander Tuvok's."
"I see," Kathryn answered, glad that the crew weren't absconding. "But safe space will be ending today as we arrive within five light years of the planet. All officers should be on duty."
"I believe safe space will prevail longer," Seven continued. "According to preliminary scans of the planet and surrounding space, the population is pre-warp."
"Pre-warp?"
"Yes, Captain."
This was unexpected, but it would explain why Elissia was abandoned. "Perform more detailed scans."
As she spoke, the turbo lift doors opened and Chakotay came in. He was wearing his uniform and carrying Stevie in his arms.
"The Doctor said I could take him from sickbay for a while," Chakotay said, walking over to her. "So I thought I'd give him a little tour of the bridge."
Kathryn smiled and gazed at her son. He was perfectly content in his father's arms and sleeping soundly.
"I don't think he's going to absorb much," she teased.
"A baby's brain is constantly assimilating knowledge," Seven said. "Even when it is not apparent."
Harry left his console now so he could see Janeway junior. "I can't believe how small he is, Captain. I've never seen a baby so small."
Kathryn smiled. "Well, we were all that size once."
"I'm surprised you don't remember," Tom said, leaving his seat. "Seeing as you remember being in your mother's womb."
Kathryn turned back to Harry, her eyes questioning in amusement.
"I do," Harry insisted. "I swear, Captain, I remember it..."
Kathryn laughed softly. "If you say so, Harry. I won't question it." She looked once more at her son and had an overwhelming urge to hold him. She held out her hands. "Let me hold him."
As Chakotay handed Stevie to his mother, the baby began to cry as he was disturbed. Kathryn cradled him against her, uttering soothing words until he settled again.
Harry questioned. "Does he cry a lot, Captain?"
"Not a whole lot," she answered. "But more than Silvie."
"Well, they say boys are always more trouble," Tom added.
"I could well believe it," Kathryn answered. She kissed Stevie's forehead and then looked up at Chakotay. "You take the bridge, Chakotay. I think I'll take him back to sickbay."
Chakotay smiled, knowing that she just didn't want to let him go. "Alright."
The doors to sickbay opened and Kathryn stepped inside. A young female lieutenant with bobbed black hair that Kathryn recognized to be Ella Martin, science officer, was cradling Silvia, and appeared to be alone with the baby.
"Irresistible, aren't they?" Kathryn said.
At the sound of the captain's voice, Ella turned sharply towards her. "Captain," she exclaimed. "She was crying ... just wanted to comfort her..."
"And I'm sure Silvia appreciates it."
The doors opened again and the Doctor came in. "Captain," he said in relief. "I have Silvie and Stevie constantly monitored and was concerned when informed of an unauthorized removal from the incubator."
"She was crying," Ella repeated, "and there was no one here. I just wanted to comfort her..."
"You should have summoned me," the Doctor answered. "The babies must not be removed without permission..."
Tears welled in Ella's eyes and her lip trembled.
"There's no harm done," Kathryn said calmly. "Miss Janeway seems quite content."
"That is beside the point, Captain," the Doctor said, taking the baby from Ella.
"I didn't know," Ella said, tearfully. "Just wanted to comfort her."
"You must never do it again," the Doctor said. "Understand?"
A tear ran down the girl's cheek and without a word she fled from the room.
"That was harsh, Doctor," Kathryn said, turning to him. "She meant no harm..."
"And your trouble is you are too soft, Captain. Sometimes I think I should be in charge of this ship. Then we'd see improvement."
"Really? Such as?"
"Obedience, punctuality ...keeping of appointments. Do you know how many minutes a day I lose waiting for people to turn up for their appointments? Three times out of five the patient will be late. Do you know how many minutes that adds up to a day? How many minutes that adds up to a week?"
Kathryn took a deep breath, humoring him. "Too many, I'm sure."
"Far too many, Captain. And I'd appreciate it if you'd do something about it."
"Alright, I'll make an announcement to the crew."
"And lead by example, I hope. Of all crew members, you are the one who is most consistently late, Captain, and sometimes you don't show up at all. Ella Martin is little better. And now she's pulled out of yet another appointment."
"Given your present manner, Doctor, I'm not surprised."
"I'm just tired of being taken advantage of, Captain. No one appreciates the long hours I work. I'm here only at everyone's disposal."
Kathryn was about to respond when she heard Chakotay's voice over the comm.
"Chakotay to Janeway. You'd better come to the bridge. I think it's time for the captain to play referee."
Kathryn sighed. "I'll be right there. Janeway out." She turned to the Doctor. "Looks like you're not the only one with a short fuse today, Doctor. If we were on Earth, I'd say it's the black sky."
Raised voices greeted Kathryn's ears as she entered the bridge. Looking to her right, she saw that Harry and Arlei were arguing.
"This is the bridge, not a squabbling yard," Kathryn said, turning to face them. "What's going on?"
"The people on the planet are definitely pre-warp," Harry said. "I'm trying to explain to Arlei that means we can't contact them."
"And I say they are post-warp," Arlei argued. "Pre-warp means having never been warp capable. All colonies were warp capable once. Like us, they probably lost the ability to travel through space after the destruction. But like us, they are probably aware of the possibility and trying hard to be space faring people again."
"We can't contact them on a "probably"," Harry replied. "To make any contact with a pre-warp society would be a direct violation of the prime directive."
"Harry's right," Kathryn answered. "We can't make contact with a pre-warp society."
"And I say they are not. I say they are post-warp..."
Kathryn went over to her and put her hand on the young woman's shoulder. "I understand how disappointing this must be. I know how much you wanted to make contact with them, tell them about your homeworld, the wormholes, and Elissia. But as they are pre-warp, all that information would be no good to them."
"But I could help them be warp capable again. I could help them make use of that knowledge."
"Trying to explain warp to them would be like trying to talk quantum mechanics to a budgie," Kathryn answered.
"Not if they are close to warp travel. Then it would only be a small step, not a huge leap."
Kathryn turned to Harry. "Do we know how close to warp they are?"
"Centuries away," Harry answered. "From what we can tell, they are no more advanced than Earth was five hundred years ago."
Kathryn squeezed Arlei's shoulder. "Then we really can't contact them. We have to let them be."
"But Captain..."
"I'm sorry."
Arlei lowered her eyes, fighting the tears. "I was so sure they would be warp capable," she said sadly. "So sure."
"So was I," Kathryn answered. "But thinking about it, if they had been, they would surely have found Elissia."
Arlei nodded.
"But they will be one day." Kathryn said kindly. "One day they will be able to travel through space and time, and when they can, they will find Elissia." She paused. "But we can't contact them. We can't fast forward history. She has to play out in her own time."
"I understand," Arlei said quietly. "I'm sorry."
Kathryn caressed her arm softly in a comforting gesture and then turned to Tom.
"Alright, Mr Paris, change course. It's about time we left this space. Set a course for the Federation."
"Yes, Ma'am," he said, turning to his console.
She then turned to her First Officer. "Chakotay, you stay on the bridge. I'm going down to the labs for a while. There's someone I want to talk too."
It had been a while since Kathryn had been to the labs. As she walked through the corridor, she was reminded of the days when she was a science officer and a part of her missed the simplicity of those days. She enjoyed being a captain, but she knew that she took her responsibilities more to heart than most captains, and knew that it wasn't always a good thing. But she couldn't help feel it was better to care too much, rather than too little, and to always strive to do what was right, not always what was easiest.
She reached lab 9, Ella's lab, and rang the door chime. There was no answer. She rang the chime again, and this time the door opened. Ella stood in the doorway, her pale face aghast to see the captain before her.
"Captain," she exclaimed.
"I thought we could have a chat," Kathryn said, walking into the lab. "Is now a good time?"
"I...I...I'm in the middle of something, Captain," she replied, agitated.
"It won't take..." Kathryn stopped still as she looked around the lab. One side was a perfect laboratory, but the other appeared to be a living space. There was a bed, covered in a white blanket, a nightdress upon it, and beside it a small cupboard, a couple of books piled on top of it.
"What's this," Kathryn questioned firmly.
Ella was a moment in answering, and then could barely get a word out. "I, I..."
Kathryn turned to her. "Well?"
No answer.
"This is meant to be a science lab, not a dorm. What's that bed doing here?"
"I...I sometimes sleep over," she said, tears in her eyes. "Assess experiments better..."
"Even though it's a breach of protocol?"
"I ... I didn't think it was wrong..."
"Not only wrong, but dangerous. Labs are no place to be sleeping!"
"I'm sorry," Ella said tearfully. "So sorry..."
"How long has this been going on?"
Silence.
"Weeks, months, years?"
"Always," Ella whispered.
"Well, it's got to stop, Lieutenant. It's dangerous and unhealthy." She took a breath. "And I'm afraid I'm going to have to discipline you. Three days in the Brig."
"No," Ella exclaimed. "Please, Captain..."
"You've committed a serious violation, Lieutenant. I have no choice. You will report to the Brig this afternoon." She paused. "In the meantime, I want you to report to sickbay. The Doctor tells me you have not been attending all due check ups. Which brings me to why I am here. It's imperative that you attend each and every one."
"Only one," Ella wept. "It's only one I've missed..."
"Then make sure it's the last," Kathryn said coolly. "Now, take whatever personal belongings you have here back to your dorm and then report to sickbay. Understood?"
Ella didn't respond.
"I said understood?"
Ella nodded tearfully.
"Then get to it," Kathryn said, before leaving the room.
"Coffee, black."
A steaming cup of black coffee materialized. Kathryn took a sip and then went over to her desk. There were a lot of reports to get through. The sooner she started, the sooner they'd be done. Just as she began to read one, the door chime sounded.
"Come in."
It was Chakotay. He sighed when he saw the steaming coffee on the desk. "I think I'm going to have to disable that replicator from making you coffee," he teased.
"You do," she smiled, "and it'll be grounds for divorce."
Chakotay put a pile of padds on the table. "More reports I'm afraid."
Now it was Kathryn's turn to sigh. "I think I'm going to be buried in them soon. There's no way I'm going to get through them any time soon. I've got a million and one other things to do aswell."
"Want some help? My work load is pretty light right now."
"That would be wonderful," Kathryn replied.
Chakotay smiled and picked up the padds again. "I'll take these ones to my office and work on them there."
Chakotay's office was small, but had everything he needed for a comfortable working environment. There was a large desk at one side of the room, and in the other, a long couch. The walls were bare, but he liked it that way. Experience had taught him that pictures were distracting. The only pictures he had in the room, carefully occupying a shelf, were of himself and Kathryn on their wedding day, a picture of Silvie and Stevie, and pictures of his family that he had, fortunately as it turned out, not removed from Starfleet's database when he left. That meant that when they were first stranded, he was able to access the database, retrieve the pictures, and print them. There was a picture of his parents, his siblings, and a group shot of his entire family.
The door chime sounded and Chakotay looked up from the report he was reading.
"Come in."
It was Kathryn. She was carrying a brown paper bag in her hand and eating a sandwich.
"Lunch time by my book," she smiled, pulling out a wrapped sandwich from her bag and tossing it to him. "Eat that up and we'll go see Silvie and Stevie together."
Chakotay opened up the sandwich. "Egg and cress, my favorite."
Kathryn looked around the room. "You know," she said, hardly believing it. "I can't remember the last time I came in here. It must be years."
"Not surprising," he smiled. "I'm hardly ever here."
Kathryn walked over to the shelf of pictures. "Are these your family?"
"Yes," he said, standing up.
Kathryn turned to him. "Why have you never shown them to me?"
"Haven't I?"
"No, never."
Chakotay got up. "I thought I had. I'm sorry..."
Kathryn pictured up a picture of what appeared to be his parents. "Are these your parents?"
"Yes," Chakotay said, walking over to her. "It was taken a few years after I left the tribe by my sister, Sekaya."
"You look a lot like your mother," Kathryn said, studying the picture. "You have the same eyes."
Chakotay picked up the picture of his siblings. "This is a picture of my brothers and sisters."
Kathryn put down the picture of his parents and looked at this one instead. Tears welled in her eyes at the group of teenagers and children sitting around a red rock, laughing happily underneath a bright sun.
"This is me," Chakotay said, pointing to himself. "I was fifteen."
He was sitting on the rock, his dimples showing as he smiled. There was a little girl of about seven or eight sitting at his feet, her head resting on his knee.
"And this must be Rennay," Kathryn said softly.
Chakotay nodded and then put the picture back on the shelf.
"We'd better get on with lunch."
He was about to turn away when Kathryn caught his arm. "You didn't forget to show me these pictures, did you? It's just too painful for you, isn't it?"
He hesitated, but then nodded.
"So you keep them down here, on display to honor them, but where you hardly spend any time to see them."
He made no response, just gazed at his hands. Kathryn gently put her hand on his arm. "I understand," she said softly. "It was a long time before I could look at pictures of Daddy and Justin too."
He looked up at her now. "Rennay is always the hardest," he said quietly. "She was more like a daughter than a sister ... or something in between." Tears welled in his eyes. "If only I could let go of the anger. Perhaps then I wouldn't feel so much of the pain. But I don't think it will ever leave me, Kathryn. It was so needless, them dying. Such a waste."
"Yes," she whispered. "I'm so sorry." She paused. "And I don't know what to do to help you. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like."
"An ache," he said quietly. "But in that way no different to the ache you feel for your father."
"Except he died in an accident. It was no one's fault. Your family were deliberately slaughtered. There's such a difference."
Chakotay broke away from her and stared vacantly ahead. "I hate them, Kathryn," he said tearfully, "... the Cardassians . You don't know how much I hate them..."
"With every reason, Chakotay..."
"But enough to kill them," he said, turning to her. "I hated them enough to kill them. That's why I joined the Maquis. I wanted to kill them..."
"You were grieving..."
"And now? Because I hate them just as much... And I don't want to, Kathryn. I don't want to hate them."
Kathryn stepped closer to him. "And that in itself shows you're a good man, Chakotay. Many people would want to hate them, would feel it's their right."
"And joining the Maquis? Was that right?"
Kathryn caressed his arm. "What were you supposed to do? Let the Cardassians go on killing and torturing your people? I would have done the same thing, Chakotay."
"No," Chakotay said sadly. "You would have fought from the inside. And that's what I should have done."
"You were grieving and you were angry. You wanted to be avenged on the Cardassians and the Maquis presented a way of doing that. And you were a good Maquis, Chakotay. You never fired on a Starfleet vessel, never caused injury to civilians. All your missions were against Cardassians."
"Then why did Starfleet send you after me? Why not after a Maquis leader who was attacking Starfleet vessels and injuring civilians?"
"I don't know," Kathryn said quietly. "I was just presented with the mission." She paused. "I was reluctant to accept at first ... wanted only to captain science vessels. But Admiral Paris said I needed to prove my metal in conflict if they were to trust me on short range missions that could regularly bring me into conflict with Cardassians and Romulans. Capturing you would prove I wasn't a Maquis sympathizer. So I agreed."
There was a sadness in Kathryn's voice, a guilt, almost a shame, and her eyes were firmly fixed on the floor. Chakotay gently put his hands on her shoulders.
"And I'm glad you did," he said softly. "So glad."
Kathryn looked up at him now, and the warmth in his eyes, the warmth in his touch, was soothing. She wrapped her arms around his neck and they held each other tight.
The Doctor was working in his office when Kathryn and Chakotay arrived at sickbay. When he saw them, he left his desk and made his way over to them.
"Captain, Commander. I was about to summon you."
Kathryn turned to him. "Is something wrong?"
"I want to talk to you about Silvesta," the Doctor stated.
Kathryn swallowed nervously. "What about him?"
"It came to my attention this morning that he wasn't responding to my presence in the way that Silvia was. Every time I picked Silvia up, she was perfectly content. But every time I picked Silvesta up without stroking his face first, he would cry."
Chakotay questioned. "What does that mean, Doctor?"
"It means it made me suspect that he wasn't hearing me. Babies who can't hear often cry when they are picked up because the action startles them."
Kathryn's voice was quiet. "Are you saying that Stevie is deaf, Doctor?"
"I'm afraid so," the Doctor said sadly. "I performed several tests and they show that he has Sensorineural hearing loss."
Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. "Is this because of what happened? The way he was born?"
"No," the Doctor answered. "Deprivation of oxygen can cause neural damage, but he received all due care when I delivered him, and did not suffer any oxygen deprivation. It's most likely an hereditary condition."
"A great aunt of mine was deaf," Chakotay added.
"What can be done?" Kathryn asked. "Can you cure this condition?"
"Unfortunately not, Captain," the Doctor answered. "But I can enable him to hear by inserting a hearing device into his ear. At the moment, his hearing ability is less than ten percent of an average child's. This device will increase it to at least seventy five percent. He won't feel it, see it, or be aware of its existence, but it will need to be changed and updated as he grows."
Kathryn went over to the incubator and gazed at Silvesta. His eyes were closed and he was moving his little hand, spreading out his fingers. Kathryn touched his little face and then picked him up. Sure enough, he didn't cry when she raised him into her arms. She tenderly stroked his mop of black hair and then kissed his little forehead.
"My darling little boy," she whispered. "The Doctor will make you better. He'll help you to hear."
"He won't need to," Chakotay said, bridging the gap between them. "We can take him to Elissia before we leave this space."
Kathryn looked up at him. "But who can take him in? Everyone has been in already."
"I will," he replied.
"But your leg..."
"It's a fair exchange," he said softly. "My leg for Stevie's hearing."
Tuvok's voice suddenly sounded over the comm. "Tuvok to Captain Janeway."
Kathryn took a deep breath and forced her concentration.
"Janeway here."
"Ella Martin has not reported to the Brig."
"Understood," Kathryn answered. "Janeway out."
The Doctor questioned. "Ella Martin confined to the Brig? Only this morning you were singing her praises..."
"Sometimes a tune can change," she said. "Computer, locate Ella Martin."
"Ella Martin is in holodeck 2."
"I'm going to have to go there," she said, handing her son to Chakotay. "Tell Tom to change course again and head us back to Elissia."
"There's no way you can take him into the mountain," the Doctor said, "not at least for another three weeks..."
"And it will take us a good fortnight to get there," Kathryn answered. "There's always some exploring we can do to pass the extra few days."
Holodeck 2 was locked when Kathryn arrived there. She did a quick check and found that Ella was running an unknown program without safety protocols. Kathryn quickly overrode the lockout and hurried inside. Sunlight immediately dazzled her and she found herself standing on the top of a grassy cliff. Ella was standing close to the edge and was clearly crying.
"Ella..."
At the sound of the Captain's voice, Ella turned around briefly. Her cheeks were wet with tears and her eyes red raw. The pain and fear Kathryn saw in them knifed her heart. Then Ella turned away from her and stepped off the cliff...
"Computer," Kathryn cried. "End program!"
Immediately the scene before her vanished and was replaced with the dull gray of the holodeck. As it disappeared, Ella fell to the floor unconscious, her body grazed and bleeding. Kathryn hurried over to her and frantically searched for her pulse. She found it, strong and steady. She then hit her commbadge.
"Janeway to transporter room one. Transport Ella Martin and I to sickbay. Janeway to sickbay, medical emergency."
"What happened?" The Doctor asked as Kathryn and Ella materialized in sickbay.
"She stepped off a cliff without safety protocols online," Kathryn answered. "I stopped the program well before she could have fallen far, but she probably hit herself against a rock as she fell."
Chakotay, who was still in sickbay, questioned. "Stepped off a cliff?"
"I think she was trying to kill herself," Kathryn said, still shaken.
"Surely not," Chakotay said. "Why would she want to do that?"
"I don't know, Chakotay." She sighed. "I should have stopped the program before going in. Why the hell didn't I do that?"
The Doctor finished examining her. "She has a nasty bump on the head and a broken arm, but she's going to be fine, Captain."
Kathryn breathed in complete relief. "When you've set her arm and she's regained consciousness. Summon me here. I want to talk to her."
On the couch in her ready room, Kathryn buried her head in her hands and rubbed her tired eyes while Chakotay made her a coffee.
"Here," he said, holding out a cup of steaming coffee to her.
Kathryn looked up at him and took it with a thank you.
Chakotay sat beside her and watched as she took a sip.
"Good?"
"Wonderful," Kathryn answered.
"Then you can have it from now on instead of the usual," he said, taking a sip of his own drink.
Kathryn drew the cup away and looked into it. "What do you mean? What's different?"
"Decaffeinated," he smiled. "All flavor, no caffeine. And enriched with vitamins too."
Kathryn curled her lip, not sure whether to be amused or angry. "Devious," she said. "Cunning as a Q".
He smiled softly. "Well, I've learnt from the best."
"Alright," she said. "If it means so much to you, I'll drink this instead." She leant back against the couch. "Can't wait for today to be over, Chakotay. It's been one hell of a day."
"It certainly has."
"If I had known Ella was so fragile right now I'd never have sentenced her to the brig. And then Stevie..."
"I know," Chakotay said. "But I'm disappointed the Doctor didn't discover his condition sooner. He should have tested his hearing when he was born."
"He probably just did all major tests. I don't think hereditary deafness would show up on those."
"But still, he should have checked their hearing."
"He was probably going to before they left sickbay, but didn't rush to do it as he had no reason to suspect a problem."
The door chime sounded. Kathryn rubbed her brow and got to her feet, forcing herself into captain mode.
"Come in."
Arlei came in. She was dressed in the clothes she had worn when she first arrived on Voyager and was carrying a bag in her hands.
Kathryn swallowed. "Arlei?"
"I'm leaving Voyager," she said quietly.
Kathryn glanced at Chakotay and then back at her Chief Engineer. "Leaving?"
"I don't want too, Voyager has become a home to me. But I have too. It's my duty."
Kathryn bridged the gap between them and put her hands on Arlei's arms. "You can't go to the planet, Arlei. They are centuries behind us. If you turn up there in a spaceship, you'll either cause a mass hysteria of terror or they'll think you're some kind of god."
"I'm not going to the planet, Captain," Arlei answered. "I'm going back to the Delta Quadrant. As you say, I can't pass my knowledge to those people, but I can pass on my knowledge to my own. And it's my duty to do so. We're very close to the wormhole that my ancestors used to first get to the Delta Quadrant. I'm going through it."
"But that wormhole terminates ten thousand light years away from Quarren. It will take you years to reach your homeworld."
"My homeworld, yes, but my people occupy several planets in the Delta Quadrant, and it will only take me a few weeks to reach one. Three months at the most." She paused. "I have to do this, Captain. I have to tell my people where the region of the ten suns is. I have to tell them about Elissia, and I have to tell them about the wormholes. It's my duty, Captain. I'm sure you of all people understand that."
"Yes," Kathryn said sadly. "I understand." Tears welled in her eyes. "Is Harry going with you?"
"No," Arlei said, tears welling in her own. "His life is here, on Voyager. He's been through too much to give up his quest for home now. A few years and he'll be with his family again. I know he will. And he'll fall in love again. I won't let him give up everything for me."
Kathryn caressed Arlei's arm. "But isn't that for him to decide? He loves you, Arlei."
"And I love him, Captain. I love him so much. That's why I have to leave without him knowing."
Kathryn inhaled sharply. "You can't do that, Arlei ... You have to at least say goodbye..."
"He would insist on coming with me. I know him. And I can't let him. It has to be this way."
Chakotay spoke now. "But to leave without saying goodbye will break his heart,"
Arlei turned to him. "But will spare him the pain of having to choose me or Voyager. By leaving this way I'm taking it all out of his hands."
"And what are we to say to him?" Chakotay continued. "He'll know that we knew you were going..."
"You're good people. You don't betray confidences. I'm telling you this in confidence, and I know that I can trust you to keep it."
Kathryn glanced at Chakotay and saw her unease mirrored in his eyes.
"Now, I don't have long," she said. "Harry will be back from lunch soon and I need to leave before he is. I need you to slow this ship down so I can launch my shuttle."
"Alright," Kathryn said, not liking this one bit but feeling she had no choice. She turned to her husband. "Chakotay, you take charge of things on the bridge."
Chakotay couldn't help make one last attempt to get Arlei to change her mind. "I really think that you should..."
"I've mind my mind up," Arlei said. "Nothing is going to change it."
Chakotay took a deep breath. "Then I'll tell Tom to slow the ship down."
With that he left the room, leaving Kathryn and Arlei alone.
"I'm going to miss you," Kathryn said tearfully. "Very much."
Arlei drew her captain close. "I'm going to miss you too, Captain. I'm going to miss voyager. But you'll get home. I just know that you'll get home."
The mess hall was busy. It took Kathryn a moment to find Harry amongst the crowd. When she did see him, tears welled in her eyes. He was talking and laughing with Ayala as though he didn't have a single care, and was totally oblivious to what was happening. Slowly, Kathryn walked over to him. Only she and Chakotay knew of Arlei's departure, and had no intention of telling anyone until Harry himself knew, but she didn't think it was right to keep him in ignorance until he went to his quarters and found Arlei's message. It would only be a double betrayal. First that they had not told him she was leaving, and secondly that they had not told him she was gone.
"Mr Kim."
Harry turned towards her.
"When you've finished lunch, come to my ready room. There's something I'd like to tell you."
Harry nodded. "Yes, Ma'am."
"This is some kind of joke," Harry said, after Kathryn had told him of Arlei's departure.
"I'm afraid not," she said softly.
"But she wouldn't ... she wouldn't just leave like that..."
"She thought it was for the best, Harry. She didn't want you too..."
"I've got to go after her," he cried.
Kathryn caught his arm.
"Harry..."
"I'm not losing her, Captain. No way."
With that he freed himself from Kathryn's grasp and left the room. Kathryn followed him onto the bridge.
"Harry..."
"I'm taking the flyer..."
Tom stood up from his seat. "Harry?"
"There's no need," Kathryn cried. "We'll help you find her."
Chakotay questioned. "Captain?"
Kathryn ignored him. "But only so that you can talk, Harry. Understand?"
Harry turned to her. "Thank you, Captain."
Kathryn gave an acknowledging nod. "Take your station."
Harry took his station and Kathryn turned to Tom. "Mr Paris, set a course for Arlei's shuttle."
Tom began to work his console, but after a little while, looked up. "There's no trace of Arlei's shuttle, Captain."
Kathryn spun around. "Tuvok..."
The vulcan worked his console. "Mr Paris is correct. There is no trace of Arlei's shuttle on sensors."
"She must have cloaked the vessel," Chakotay said.
"Then we've got to determine the frequency," Harry said, his desperation in his voice... "It can't be that dissimilar to the cloak we used to escape the Voril."
Kathryn glanced at Chakotay and then back at Harry, her heart breaking for him.
"There could be a billion combinations, Harry. We have no hope of finding her."
"But we must," he cried... "We have to find her..."
"I'm sorry," Kathryn said quietly. "I'm really sorry, Harry."
The young ensign's eyes filled with tears and without a word he left the bridge.
Kathryn lowered her own, a hard lump deep in her throat.
"Doctor to Captain Janeway."
It was a moment before Kathryn could answer. "Go ahead, Doctor."
"Ella Martin has regained consciousness."
Kathryn put her hand to her brow. "I'll be right there, Doctor."
The scent of musk filled the air as Kathryn emerged from the bathroom, her bathrobe around her. Petal jumped from the couch to greet her and Chakotay looked up from the reports he was still reading.
"I think I'll go to bed now," she said, her voice not quite her own. "I'm really tired."
Chakotay put down his padd. "Have something to eat first," he said kindly. "You hardly touched dinner."
"I'm not hungry," she said. "I just want to sleep."
"Alright," Chakotay answered. "I'll be along when I've finished these reports."
She gave a weak nod. "Good night, Chakotay."
"Good night," he replied.
Completely ignoring the dog at her feet, Kathryn disappeared into the bedroom. Chakotay put his hand to his chin, and stared at the empty space where she had stood for a moment in concern. Kathryn was definitely not herself. But then, it had been a terrible day. And when Kathryn was upset or worried, she withdrew into herself, tried to deal with her feelings alone, instead of talking about them and seeking comfort. She always felt she had to be strong, even with him, even now they were married. Chakotay turned off the padd he was reading and put it on top of the pile before him. They could wait until the morning.
Petal followed Chakotay into the bedroom and knowing it was time for her bed, went over to her doggie bed and lay down inside it. Chakotay looked in Kathryn's direction as he took off his robe, and saw that she was curled up under the blankets, her back towards him. Carefully, he slipped between the sheets and looked down at her. She was trembling slightly and their were tears on her cheeks.
He lay his hand on her shoulder. "Kathryn..."
Instantly she drew away from. "I'm alright," she said, wiping her tears away with her hand. "I thought you were finishing those reports..."
"They can wait until the morning." He put his hand on her shoulder again. "Come here. Let's cuddle."
Kathryn got out of the bed now. "I said I'm alright, Chakotay. Just leave me alone."
Chakotay looked at her in growing concern and she wiped away another tear from her cheek.
"I need a drink, I... You go to sleep..."
With that, she left the room.
Outside in the living room, Kathryn lent against the dining table and wept painfully. From the kitchen area, Chakotay watched her a moment, his robe now around him, and her pain hurt him. He walked over to her.
"Let me hold you," he said quietly. "Please, Kathryn..."
At the sound of his voice, Kathryn straightened and turned to him. "I told you I wanted to be alone."
"So what? You can cry out here in the dark?"
"I was getting some water..."
"No you weren't, Kathryn..."
"I was, I..."
Chakotay put his hands on her shoulders. "Just let me..."
Kathryn suddenly backed away from him, terror in her voice. "No, please...don't touch me...please don't touch me..."
Chakotay flinched. "Kathryn?"
But it was as though she was lost in another time, another place. Her eyes were staring ahead but they were glazed, dazed, and she was crying heavily, struggling to breathe. Tearful himself, Chakotay reached for her.
"It's alright, Kathryn, everything's alright."
She struggled in his grip. "No, let me go ... no...please... no..." Her terror was absolute now and she just screamed before collapsing into an unconscious bundle in Chakotay's arms.
Chakotay watched in concern as the Doctor examined Kathryn. She was now conscious again but was very pale and was lying still on the couch.
"I really think you should let me give you something to help you sleep," the Doctor said, his own concern evident on his face.
"No," Kathryn answered, forcing herself to sit up now. "I'm alright. It was just a flashback."
"Nevertheless, Captain..."
"I said I'm alright, Doctor."
The Doctor turned to Chakotay and handed him a hypospray. "I'll leave you this medication, just incase she changes her mind."
"Thank you," Chakotay said.
The Doctor put his hand on Chakotay's shoulder. "Just make sure she takes it easy."
"I will," Chakotay answered.
The Doctor gave a sad smile, and then left the room.
"I'm sorry," Kathryn said quietly. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that."
"It's alright," Chakotay said, sitting beside her. "It wasn't your fault."
"I haven't had one in years," she continued. "I never thought I would again." Tears welled in her eyes. "But then I haven't been involved with anyone for years either. I only ever had them when I was with Mark."
Chakotay gently, tentatively, put his hand on her shoulder. "These flashbacks ... we're talking about what happened with the Cardassians, aren't we?"
Kathryn nodded and then buried her head against clenched fists as a tear ran down her cheek. "Now you know why Mark found me so hard to handle."
Chakotay cautiously moved his hand to her back and when she didn't tense at his touch, began to caress her softly.
"You'd been through hell, Kathryn. Flashbacks are not an uncommon response to such horrific experiences."
Kathryn turned to look up at him now. "But I shouldn't lose control that way, Chakotay. I should be able to stay in control."
"Some things are out of our control, Kathryn. Some horrors just too great." He paused. "The mind is a network of memory, each one building upon the other like a house of cards. Put too much pressure on one and it causes the whole to tumble until it can be rebuilt. And that's what I did," he said sadly, "going on about the Maquis and the Cardassians this lunch time. I'm sorry, Kathryn."
"No," Kathryn said, reaching for his hand. "It wasn't anything you said, Chakotay. It was something else." A tear ran down her cheek and she clumsily wiped it away. "It's what happened with Ella, what we talked about." She paused. "She's suffered so much, Chakotay ... been suffering all these years and not one of us noticed. We were all too busy with our own lives. For years she's shut herself away in that lab, working there, sleeping there, having hardly no contact with anyone. And the reason she's shut herself away like that is because she was captured and tortured by the Cardassians too. " Another tear ran down her cheek. "She was just nineteen, Chakotay ... and the only reason she was on the ship that she was, was because she had won a privileged place on a starship as a result of her excellence at the Academy. Everyone on the ship was taken by the Cardassians and most were killed by them. They kept her a prisoner for eight months and did terrible things to her ... the same things they did to all of us." She paused. "But at least I knew there was more ... I knew that what they were doing to us was nothing like what it was to make love with someone. She didn't know that. She was an innocent ... saving herself for her husband because of her religion. And they took it away ... that innocence...took it all away, and left her with nothing but a black hole inside."
"There's no word to describe the Cardassians," Chakotay said. "Evil doesn't go far enough."
"Talking with her, listening to her, it brought it all back ... things I'd forgotten." She paused. "There was a young girl held captive with me too. She wasn't much older than Ella. Carren her name was. She was from Alaska. She told me all about her family, her friends, her boyfriend, and her cat. That's what we did ... talk to each other. She was so brave, so strong. Like all of us, she was determined that whatever happened, they weren't going to break her. And they never did. Only once did she cry. It was when they had brought her back from torture. They would take us away, four at a time, sometimes more, sometimes less. When they brought her back, they threw her to the floor and she just lay there, weeping. I went over to her and raised her into my arms and just cradled her against me. It hurt to hold her, and must have hurt her too. But it didn't matter. The closeness, the comfort, we needed it so much that it transcended the pain." She paused. "We talked of what we'd do when we were rescued, talked of home, how we'd visit each others families. But we never did. She never saw home again. The day before we were rescued, the Cardassians killed her."
"I'm so sorry," Chakotay whispered.
"After we were rescued, I went to see her mother. I told her how brave Carren had been, how proud she should be. We held each other and we cried. It was the first time I'd been close to someone that way since it had happened. I'd pushed Mom away, Phoebe, Mark. I didn't think they could understand and I didn't want to explain. Perhaps I would have let Mark in if he'd tried to breakdown my shields, but he didn't. He was never good that way. He liked things... uncomplicated." She paused. "I was always the strong one, the affectionate one, and now I needed him to be, he just couldn't deal with it. We were living together at that time, had an apartment in San Francisco. So many nights I lay beside him and wished he'd take me in his arms and hold me, even make love to me. But he never did. He never so much as touched me." She turned her face away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't talk of it ..."
"Of course you should," Chakotay said kindly. "Whatever you're feeling, whatever's happened in your life, I want you to be able to tell me..."
Kathryn looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "I wish we had known each other then, Chakotay. I wish you had been him."
"So do I... I wish I had met you twenty years ago at the academy. But then we wouldn't have now."
Kathryn lowered her eyes again. "What would you have done, Chakotay? I mean, when I found out I was having Oliver?"
Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I think you know the answer to that. I would have loved him, and accepted him, as my own."
Kathryn looked up at him again and then leant into his broad, strong, body. Chakotay gently wrapped his arms around her and held her close.
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
