And the MADNESS continues :D…

Chapter 4: The Dook Mobile

When they reached the door to the docking bay, the funky count flung it open with his force powers and strutted inside to where his precious 'ride' awaited.

"Here it is, boyz!" He walked beside his wheels and hooked his thumbs to the waist of his incredibly low pants. Then he leant against it and smiled from ear to ear. "I call this baby, THE DOOK MOBILE!" He proudly announced.

Maul and Palpatine gawked in horror as they saw the 'transformed' vehicle that was going to be their ride to Coruscant. They huddled close to each other in fear of even boarding such a horrid…THING! How in the world does Dooku expect to be treated with respect and dignity if he lands on Coruscant in THAT!

Dooku, apparently, had commissioned General Grievous and the techno union to transform his Geonosian Solar Sailor into the pimpiest, hawtest, funkiest set of wheels that would ever travel the galaxy.

The former dull-colored Geonosian ship now had a hot, shiny fuchsia finish and red hot flames painted on its hood and on its doors to give it a hotrod feel. The vehicle itself now looked like a huge vintage 20th century convertible with an even bigger trunk for its 'solar sail'. It also came equipped two side mirrors and four rugged-terrain wheels with shiny mugs, despite the fact that it would never use those in space ANYWAY.

The count also had its capacity expanded so that it could accommodate more people and more cargo. He also asked the techno union to install the BEST sound system they could find. Simply put, it looked NOTHING like his former ship. In fact, it looked NOTHING like anything that's ever flown the galaxies before. But Dooku thought it looked like the sickest, hottest, funkiest, pimpiest set of wheels he'd ever seen.

Then the intense silence between Maul and Palpatine and Dooku was finally broken…

"So, whaddya guys think! Is she HOT or WHAT!" Dooku smiled and ran his ringed fingers through his silver hair as he waited for Maul and Palpatine's reaction.

"Too KICKASS for words, huh?" He asked again. "You can just imagine how jealous those lozers at Coruscant are gonna be once they see this shit!"

Palpatine and Maul continued to stare at the vehicle in horror.

"Oh! Oh! Guys, YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!" He punched the ship with the side of his fist and it started to bounce up and down. "THE BEST HYDROLICS IN THE GALAXY, MAN!" He shouted with so much enthusiasm.

Palpatine and Maul's eyes widened even more.

"That's it. I'm going to HITCH my way to Coruscant." Said Maul.

"Or we could always walk." Shrugged Palpatine.

The two were about to run out of the docking bay, when Dooku grabbed them both by the collar. "Oh no you don't!" He pulled them close and draped his bare arms over their shoulders and ushered them to the Dook Mobile.

"You two homiez ain't goin' anywhere! You can't just ditch me like that, yo! Come on! This trip's gonna kick ass! Just three hot dudes like us on a ROAD TRIP to Coruscant! It's gonna rock! We might even pick up some really hot babes along the way. So what say you!" Dooku took out a small device from his pocket and pointed it at the ship. The ship made a small beeping sound and one of the doors opened.

"Pretty kewl, huh?" He stepped inside and waited for the other two to follow.

"I dunno…" Palpatine said as he looked at the inside of the ship. He still felt quite uncomfortable about boarding Dooku's strange new vehicle, or whatever it was. He was afraid it might explode or break into pieces once it lifts of the ground.

"Well, the inside does look rather spacey and commodious." Maul commented.

"Of course it's spacey and comm --- commod --- well, what you said. But heck YEAH it's spacey! This shit's built for road trips and parties, man! I even got a fridge in there somewhere! And I think those techno dudes installed a DVD player and ay LCD flat screen TV in it too! It's like the Studio 54 of intergalactic travel, yo!"

Dooku leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms over his chest. "So what? You two dudes just gonna stand in there and gape at my baby all day! If I remember correctly, Palps here needs to correct that fucked up shit he did in the Senate. And you, Maul, you're like, on your quest to find your inspiration and become some literary scholar or some gay crap like that. And hey, wasn't Palpy supposed to meet up with that chick too! What's her name…Mon something…"

"Mon Mothma!" Palpatine yelped with glee and immediately ran into a ship like ten year old boy in Christmas morning. "I'm coming, my beloveeeed!" He shouted. "Soon, we shall be TOGETHER and spread LOVE and PEACE throughout the galaxeeee!"

Dooku snickered. "Well THAT was easy." Then he cocked a brow and looked at Maul who was still standing in front of the doorway. Maul was holding on to his books and still had that ridiculous monocle over his right eye.

"How 'bout you, bro? Palpz is all set and my baby's all giddy to take off, man!" He jeered. "Now you go be a brother and get in here!"

Maul breathed in. "Very well. I shall join you and my master in this interstellar peregrination. But first…" He took out his quill and opened his notebook. "I would like to write a beautiful and touching sonnet about this moment in our lives…The moment when we three Sith Lords, depart from this anathematized planet for a better and more productive life." He said proudly, holding up his quill.

Dooku slapped his forehead and shook his head from side to side. "Here he goes again." He groaned. Then he looked behind him and called out to Palpatine. "Hey, Palpy! You better go out there and fetch your homie before he getz all prissy on me!

But Palpatine didn't seem to hear Dooku. He was too busy writing Mon Mothma's name with his finger on the building moisture inside the glass windows. "Such a pretty name." He said. His smile looked dazed and surreal. "It also has the letter 'a', like MY name. pAlpAtine." He wrote his name beside Mon Mothma's and made the 'A's of his name bigger. Then he drew a huge heart around the two names. "This heart is a symbol of our love…because my love for you is special." There was a twinkle in his eye.

"Shit!" Dooku exclaimed. "I'm surrounded by a buncha' pussies!"

Maul paced around, waving his quill in the air as he looked at his open notebook. "I shall call this piece, 'The Sonnet about the Three Sith Lords who are about to Leave a Remote Planet to Pursue their Dreams in Coruscant'." He proclaimed.

"Dude, isn't that title a bit TOO long?" Complained Dooku. "I mean, THAT alone could already put your entire audience to sleep!"

"Hush!" He whipped the huge, feathery part of his quill towards the irritated count. "Quiet! Your advice is obviously the last thing I need right now. As you can see, I am currently in 'THE ZONE' and I need my concentration!"

Dooku snickered. "Yeah…the TWILIGHT Zone of Gayness."

"I will have no more of your discouraging words!" Shouted Maul. "Anyway, I better write that title down before I forget it." He immediately wrote the title down on a clean page. "Now…how shall I begin?" He stopped, pursed his lips, and stroked his chin.

"How about..." Said Dooku…"My name is Darth Maul / and I'm a pussy / and Slim Dooky's gonna whoop mah prissy ass / if I don't get into his fuckin' ship!"

"Excuse me!" Shouted Maul, looking quite shocked at the Count's chosen set of words. "How DARE you contaminate my first work with YOUR crude language!"

Dooku rolled his eyes and grunted in frustration. "That's it!" He shouted. He marched towards Maul and stood right in front of him. The count's 6'5" form towered over the Zabrak's 5'9" frame. "I've had enough o' your shit, man!" He said, poking Maul on the chest. "Now youz gonna get your ass in there or I'm gonna haul it there myself!"

"Well what if I don't want to!" Maul crossed his arms over his chest. "What if I just want to sit here, write my sonnet, and drink some tea!"

Without saying a word, Dooku hauled Maul up his shoulders and carried the struggling poet to his ship.

"This is preposterous! Let me go! I demand it! I find this act of yours very Neanderthal!" Maul shouted as he tried to free himself from the count's hold. He pounded at the count's back, but Dooku just rolled his eyes and sighed to himself.

"Your lame-ass punches ain't got nothin' on me, yo!" Dooku said, unaffected by Maul's so-called punches. "Coz seriously speaking, you punch like a girl. And not just any girl, man. You punch like a three year old girl who's suffering from a cold…a really bad cold…the kind of cold that makes people act all gay and stuff."

"That does not even make any sense!" Shouted Maul.

Once they reached the inside of Dooku's ship, he dropped him on one of the seats and strapped him in. "Look, dude, you can write all that funky stuff when we get to Coruscant, okay?. But for now, just sit back, relax, and let me handle it."

Maul sighed. "If you say so…"

Then he looked around and was surprised to see that even the inside of the count's ship looked as different and as vintage as its exterior. The control panel of the ship, for example, looked like that of a 20th century car. It had a steering wheel instead of the usual navigational keys, a gas pedal and break pedal in place of the usual controls. It even had a radio, a cd player, a soda-can holder, a front compartment, a rear view mirror (with huge fluffy dice hanging over it), and to top it all off, it had a gear shift AND a hand break between the driver's seat and the front seat.

Maul felt as if he had been blasted into the early 20th century. This was madness. Who would want to travel the galaxy in such a THING! Oddly enough though, it did feel rather cozy, and it WAS obviously more spacious than its extinct 20th century brothers.

He then eyed Palpatine who was happily coiled up in the front seat of the car and gleefully looking at Mon Mothma's picture.

Palpatine held the picture close to his face. "Do YOU know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" He asked the picture melodiously, poking Mon Mothma's eternally smiling 2D face with his index finger. "I bet you do, because you're special. Why? Because I LOVE you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou…" He brought the picture closer and rubbed the tip of his nose against it.

Dooku walked to Maul and patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, bro. I'll go and handle our luv sick homie this time." He whispered.

"You better do. I'm…starting to worry about him." Said Maul. The sight of his former master, Palpatine, making out with that picture, sent SHIVERS up his spine.

The count approached the Chancellor and quickly yanked the picture from his hand. "Ooooookaaaay…Enough with the picture already! You're starting to totally creep us out, man. You're like totally obsessed with her! Kinda like Hannibal Lecter to Clarice, yo! Can't you just WAIT until you're finally with the real thang?"

Palpatine remained seated as he reached out for the picture. "That's mine! That's mine! Give it back! That's the only picture that I have of her!"

Dooku looked at the picture and grimaced at all the kiss marks and heart drawings and little butterfly stickers that were all over it. Then he remembered that one night when he caught Palpatine 'playing with his lightsaber' while holding on to that very picture.

"EWW!" Dooku exclaimed, the look on his face incomparable. He quickly let go of the picture and it floated back into Palpatine's hands.

"My precious!" Palpatine hissed. He held the picture close to him, and then quickly placed it back into the breast pocket of his robe.

"Aww gross! I think I touched your stuff, man!" He quickly wiped his hands on his tanktop. "Dude, just…just keep your pic in THERE where it belongs! I don't want that THING near me again, you got that! Totally gross, man!"

Palpatine just smiled at Dooku and tapped his breast pocket.

"Anywayz," Dooku said, recomposing himself. He stood by the driver's seat and looked at his two passengers. "Now that we're all settled…ARE YOU GUYZ READY TO ROCK!" He shouted, raising his hands in the air.

"What?" Maul asked, looking clueless.

Dooku force pulled his lightsaber from his belt and used it as a faux microphone again. "I SAID…ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK!"

Palpatine looked at Dooku curiously. "Are we…going to throw rocks at someone? Because if we are, then I refuse to participate in it. Nice guys like me don NOT throw rocks at people and helpless little creatures."

"NO, MAN! Gawd, are you guys stupid or just lame ass whacked! What I wuz trying to say is…ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR OUR ROAD TUHRIIIP!" He shouted again, louder this time and with his lightsaber handle closer to his mouth.

"Well, if you are referring to our expedition to Coruscant, then I guess we ARE ready." Said Maul. He leaned forward to address the Chancellor since the Chancellor was seated on the front seat. "You ARE all ready too, aren't you, master?"

Palpatine's eyes suddenly widened. "POPO!" He shouted. Then he threw a shoe at Count Dooku. "How DARE YOU forget about POPO! He is your responsibility! What will my poor doggie do without his daddy?"

"Ow!" Dooku winced as the shoe hit his forehead. "Hey, man! I gave up my responsibility on that dog o' yours the moment I became the Slim! So if you're gonna ask ME to go out there and fetch your doggie, then DON'T count on it. Coz I ain't gonna do any of that…"

A strong gust of wind suddenly passed by Dooku and Maul and the Chancellor disappeared.

"What the fuck!" Dooku said.

"Where did he go?" Asked Maul.

The strong gust of wind came back again and Palpatine was now sitting on the front seat of the car where he was originally seated a split second ago…And on his lap sat Popo the dog, his beloved two year old Mini Schnauzer.

"Man, that was fast!" Exclaimed the count. "How'd you do that shit!"

Palpatine just cocked an eyebrow and smiled. "Coz I'm the fucking Sith Lord."

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TBC