Finally Jake's restaurant could be seen in the distance. Grace breathed out, relieved at the prospect of leaving the silence of the car and her thoughts………she hoped she could leave those behind, for one night, but she knew she couldn't.
Lily pulled into the driveway; not exchanging words with Grace, because she knew her daughter wanted silence, for some reason.
But Grace didn't get out of the car, or say anything- for a long time.
"Grace?" Lily asked, turning to look at her daughter.
Grace's hand lingered over the door handle; she stared down as it clasped the latch.
"I love him you know" the words tumbled out of her mouth; she had no control over them.
But the words that Lily spoke were even more surprising.
Without turning to look at her daughter she uttered; "I know"
Grace turned her head, and examined Lily. Both hands gripping the wheel, her watery eyes focussing straight ahead………
"I want to be with him," Grace continued.
Lily nodded slowly, sniffing quietly as tears began to fall- "we can't always get what we want" she said in a small voice.
"I could" Grace said quietly, "-if you'd let me" she added.
Lily didn't seem to hear her- she was in her own world- - - "when you two were dancing……I knew you'd been seeing each other secretly. It was so obvious, the way you looked into each other's eyes, held one another………you were………comfortable, like it was so familiar" Lily spoke pointedly with a flat voice-
GRACE she saw us dancing? And said nothing?
Grace said nothing, only stared at her mother for a long while; "I love him," she said again; "what more do you need to know?" she asked.
Now, Lily turned to look at Grace, slowly and with teary eyes- she looked intensely at Grace's innocent, pale face- she didn't see her little girl anymore- - - she saw a beautiful woman……….
LILY who had fallen in love with a very lucky man.
"I know baby" she whispered, putting her hand against Grace's cheek- "but it's so complicated" she felt her voice turn croaky and unstable.
"No it's not" Grace uttered, "-he makes me laugh, when he holds me I feel safe, he listens to me……..all I need is him-" she spoke so passionately and sweetly……..Lily found it impossible not to hear her, "-it's not complicated at all- he's the one for me, simple as that!" Grace felt a single tear roll down her cheek- and Lily brushed it away.
"How could I let you two be together?" Lily asked, her voice completely strained and teary now.
Grace took a deep breath, and looked seriously at her mother; "-if you love me, you'll let us be together" she spoke earnestly.
Lily took her hand away, and brought it to her own face- brushing away the tears.
LILY my chance to right all the wrongs………..
Grace tentatively put her hand to rest on her mother's shoulder. And Lily turned to look at her daughter……..without a second thought Grace lunged forward, wrapping her arms around her mother, encasing her in a hug.
"I don't want to hurt you" Lily croaked, as Grace held her.
"Then don't" Grace said simply; her own voice far more 'together' than her mothers.
Lily's sniffles were soon stifled, as she cried into Grace's arms-LILY shouldn't this be the other way round?
"There, there" Grace cooed, rubbing her mothers back soothingly- she tried to remember the last time she saw her mother cry, she couldn't remember. And she was sure that her mother had never cried into her arms………ever!
Finally Lily crawled out of Grace's arms- swiping away the tears from her cheeks.
"Oh Grace-" she began, adjusting her ruffled hair; "-we've grown apart so much over these last few months!" she said, her voice still a little unstable.
Grace nodded, thinking how true that was. Grace had done- experienced things that would change her forever. Losing her virginity was only part of it………..though, come to think of it, all the things she'd 'experienced' over these last couple of months, moments which had made her a 'stronger' person someway or another…….it was all connected back to Eli.
GRACE I think all those times mum sat down and had 'that' talk with me, and told me over and over again that I could tell her 'anything', she secretly hoped that when I lost my virginity I would tell her. That we'd sit down and have a 'girly' talk about it, like best friends. I know that's totally out of the question…………..under ANY circumstances! As if you want to talk to you're mum about how you got laid……………the thing is, she'll never know just how much I've grown by being with Eli!
Lily outstretched a shaky hand, brushing it against Grace's cheek.
"I don't want to lose you" Lily croaked, feeling tears begin to swell again "and I don't want you to look at me………that way!" she added, feeling her cheeks burn.
"Like what?" Grace asked in a whisper.
Lily let out a gasp of tears, "like you hate me more than anything in the world," she said, exasperated with her own confession.
Grace closed her eyes- feeling time slip away from her.
"Mum- I love you so much" Grace said, opening her eyes to stare into her mother's swollen ones.
Her mother's words 'I don't want to lose you'- reminded her of Eli. He didn't want to be away from her………….lose her…………….Eli; she had to be with him!
Lily looked down at her shaking hands, examining every crease.
"I don't think you and Eli are right for each other………" Lily began, not veering her eyes to look in Grace's direction.
Grace opened her mouth to say something, but Lily didn't leave a long enough gap for her to debate- "-but you have changed since you started seeing him………loving him, as you would say." Lily took a long breath, controlling her words; "I have always wanted to keep you my little girl!" Lily turned and looked at Grace, and then continued; "-I suppose all parents have a hard time letting go of their children……..and I know I cant expect you to possibly understand that, until you have children of your own! But another wish a parent has for their child……..is to be happy" Lily stared deeply into Grace's soulful eyes, knowing she understood every word; "-I want you and Zoe to grow up, live you're dreams…….pursue a career in whatever it is makes you happy……….and most of all, I want you to find someone who will love you and protect you, and respect you the way you both deserve! The way anyone deserves………."
LILY the hardest words to speak are the truth
She continued; "-I suppose, I am afraid of you going through the same things I, unfortunately, had to go through. When hating someone is easier than loving them………"Lily back tracked her words, "-not that I HATE you're father………" she began, but Grace only nodded, letting her mother know she understood her words;
"-The thing is Grace" Lily leaned over and cupped her daughter's hand tightly "-you and Eli……..if he is what you want……….you two will have SO much to overcome! I mean, not only the age difference……..meaning that you both want different things from life at the moment……….there's also Eli's history, with drugs and alcohol, I DO NOT want you to go down that path! And I know Eli has changed………but, I don't know, I'd hope he'd have the sense to consider you and the effects the things he does have over you-" Lily trailed off a bit, but was soon back on track; "-and Eli has the makings of a CAREER now, and you are still in high-school! I mean; those are two VERY different paths………..and then, apart from ALL that, there's the obvious moral dilemma of stepsiblings dating!" Lily took a long breath, and tightened her grip on Grace's hands.
"-People will not be understanding of this relationship you are so adamant to pursue……..and I don't know what will happen with Eli, now that he' sort of in the 'Hollywood' biz, they might drag his name through the mud………." Lily stopped talking abruptly and looked into Grace's eyes.
"Have you two discussed ANY of thee issues?" she asked, seriously.
Grace slowly shook her head;
GRACE my mother clearly doesn't know her stepson!
"No, we haven't to a large extent………but mum; I love him" Grace said, simply.
Lily took a long drag of breath; "it hurts to not be with him" Grace added; she considered showing her mother the scar on her arm, but decided to not hit her with that just yet; it would seem a bit like black mail!
"-And we might not work out………we might realize that we aren't right for each other, and that what we started we have to end………if that happens I can guarantee you, that we will keep our family in mind, and part on stepsibling terms!" Grace took a deep breath, silently praying that wouldn't happen.
"But I have to know……..I don't want to stand still and have my life dictated to me. I want to let myself get hurt; again and again if that's what it takes for me to get it right………. I couldn't live, or love again- if I was left to wonder what could have been, nobody should live their life that way!" Grace looked down at her hands, and then glanced at the clock on the radio; it was 9:00.
GRACE it all suddenly became so clear.
Grace turned around and began fumbling around in the backseat for her satchel bag; which contained her change of clothes for after work, her purse and, the white envelope.
She pulled the ticket out of her bag and held it up for her mother to see; "that's why I'm going to New York," she declared; trying hard to suppress the excitement and clarity in her voice.
Lily turned her head sharply and stared at Grace, and the white envelope "excuse me?" she said, straightening Grace's words out in her head.
"Eli asked me to go with him, he gave me a ticket……. I told him I couldn't and wouldn't go with him-" Grace said, creasing her brow as she replayed their conversation in her mind; "-I need to go mum, I need to be with him………. I need to let him know just how much he means to me," Grace pleaded with her mother's confused and angry face.
"I need to let him know that I need him just as much as he needs me……….."
