Let's go a trippin' :D! Chapter 5's on the loose! W00T! So long and thanks for all the reviews :D! love you guys :D!
Chapter 5: Ride with Me
"Heck yeah, bro!" Replied Dooku. "Now that's what ahm talkin' 'bout! We're the badasses of the badasses of the galaxy coz we ARE the fuckin' Sith!"
He walked to Palpatine and Palpatine stood up and the two did their brother handshake. Then they tapped their chests with the side of their fists and hit their knuckles against one another. They slid their palms together and ran their fingers across their hair and pointed at each other with 'gun-shaped' hands. Then they pulled each other in a hug and patted each other's backs. Dooku pulled away, looked at Palpatine, and grinned.
"Hey, you're pretty cool, yo!" Said Dooku, punching the Chancellor in the arm.
"Why, thank you! I…never thought I had it in me." Replied Palpatine. He STILL didn't get the 'punching someone in the arm or in the chest' bit though. He found that aspect of Dooku's new 'persona' quite 'painful'…literally.
Maul unhinged his seatbelt and stood up in protest. "…And you never will AGAIN!" He shouted. "Master! I can NOT believe you're letting that…that NEANDERTHAL of a count…" He shook a finger at Dooku. "…corrupt you with his unacceptable manners! First of all, really REALLY NICE guys do not say words such as 'ass', 'fuck', 'shit', and 'coz'." He said, putting up a finger with each word.
"And mind you, I only said those words for EDUCATIONAL purposes. Also, NICE GUYS do NOT proclaim that THEY'RE THE SITH LORD! Apparently in this galaxy, the word SITH is equated to the word EVIL. SITH is equal to EEEEVIL! So if you TRULY want to be the galaxy's Mr. Nice Guy and Mon Mothma's future fiancee, then I suggest you do not go around telling everyone that you're the SITH LORD!"
Palpatine bit his lower lip and raised his eyebrows in the realization of what he had momentarily become. "Whoops! Looks like I got carried away for a moment there." He apologetically gave Maul a small bow. "I apologize, Maul. And you are right. Nice guys do not do and say such things. That was very careless of me."
Maul smiled. "Good." Then he looked at Dooku and threw a shoe at him, hitting the tall count square on the forehead yet again.
"Ow! Will you two stop throwing shoes at me already!" He yelled and rubbed the throbbing and stinging sensation above his left eye.
"And YOU!" Shouted Maul, pointing at the count. "Stop influencing Chancellor Palpatine with your crude ways! As you already know, my master…OUR master is in the path to becoming the NICEST guy in the universe. And I am not sure how THAT will ever be possible if you keep on CORRUPTING him!"
"Fine!" Shouted Dooku. "If you wanna train our master in the GAY side of the force and make him as prissy as you are, then 'kay! I ain't got nuthin gainst that!" He sighed. "Just don't make me act like 'it coz I ain't gunna, you git?"
Palpatine raised his hand. "Um, I don't want to be 'prissy'…I just want to be NICE. I don't think Mon Mothma's into prissy guys." He said matter-of-factly.
"See! Even our master thinks your shit's all lame, yo!" Dooku barked.
Palpatine looked at Dooku.
"Don't you ever listen to him, master!" Said Maul. "Once again, he's trying to LURE YOU into his web of bad language and UNCIVILIZED behavior! I can't even imagine how this man ever became one of the best and most respected Jedi ever!"
Palpatine looked at Maul.
In fact, Palpatine felt like he just gave birth to two bratty kids who wouldn't stop fighting all the time. If he weren't the nice guy he was now, he would've already whooped their asses with some good ol' force lightning and blasted them out into space using one of those cannons they used during the Battle of Naboo.
He smiled to himself and thought about it for a second. Yes…that would have been good indeed. His smile widened as he nodded his head in amusement at the thought of frying those two annoying Sith Apprentices and then shooting them out into space using a cannon…and not just any cannon...a really BIG cannon…like, HUGE!
Then his eyebrows furrowed and his smile turned into a frown. No…that was wrong. He was nice now. Like, REALLY NICE! To even think about such a thing is WRONG! How could he even have thought of doing that to his FRIENDS! Then his thought bubble was suddenly burst by the sound of Dooku's voice.
"Dude, just sit down, man!" Dooku waved his hand towards Maul and force pushed the Zabrak down onto his seat. Then he moved his hand in a circular motion and used the force to strap Maul's seatbelt in. "Look, wimpy…This iz MY wheels, so youz gonna follow MY rules, got that! And just in case you didn't understand any o' that, that means…I'm gonna do whatever I want, say whatever I want, WHENEVER I want!"
Maul just rolled his eyes and shook his head sarcastically. "Fine, fine…" He mumbled. "But once we reach Coruscant, I will finally have MY way and free myself of your..." He looked around and eyed the inside of the count's ship. "…abominable choice of a lifestyle, if you could even call it one, that is." He glared at Dooku.
Dooku glared back. "Yeah. Okay. I'm cool with that…In fact, I can live with it." He said back. "But for now, you're in MY territory, bro. And you know what it means when you're in the Slim's territory."
Maul cocked a brow. "What?" He asked.
Dooku suddenly jumped up on his seat and brought his lightsaber, now his faux microphone, against his lips. "It means…THAT WE ARE GONNA PARTAAAAY, YO!" He shouted, waving a hand in the air.
"Oh Lord, kill me now!" Maul yelled as he looked upwards.
"Calm down, Maul…After all, this 'party', or trip, or whatever the count wants to call it, may not be as bad as you think it is. You know what they say…Always look at the bright side of life." Palpatine said in an effort to comfort his apprentice. Popo, his dog, jumped off his lap and ran around their chairs. "See? Even Popo's looking forward to it."
Count Dooku, now known as 'The Slim', remained standing on the driver's seat as he looked at his comrades. "Okay…so before we get dis party rollin', let's check if everyone's ready, yo!" He continued to use his saber's hilt as a microphone.
He looked at Palpatine. "Yo, Palpy, Lord o' the Siths, you ready!"
"As ready as ready can be!" Said Palpatine gleefully. The thoughts of being with Mon Mothma again made him his cheeks burn like the sun on a hot summer's day.
Then he looked at Maul. "Hey, horny, you ready!"
"I guess…As if I have a choice in the matter anywa…" Then his eyes widened. "What a minute, what did you just call me?"
Dooku just ignored him. "My backup dancers over there at the back, you chicks ready!"
A bunch of scantily clad Human and Twi'lek chicks on the area behind Maul, smiled and waved at Dooku. "Ready, Slim!" They shouted and giggled.
Maul and Palpatine looked at each other and shrugged.
"Hey, Popo! You cool, dawg!"
Popo stood up on his hind legs and barked.
"Then we're all cool!" Then Dooku looked at Maul and Palpatine. "How about my POSSE! Is my posse READY TO ROCK AND ROOOLLL!"
Maul and Palpatine just sat there and looked up at Dooku.
Dooku looked back at them, as if he was waiting for them to say something. "Um, I said…IS MY POSSE READY TO ROCK AND ROLL!" Then he grinned and pointed his lightsaber handle at them.
Palpatine and Maul looked behind them, and then they looked at each other, and looked back at Dooku.
"What!" Maul asked. "Where's this posse that you are talking about?"
"Guys!" Dooku said, looking taken aback. "You dudez ARE my posse!"
Maul raised his eyebrows. "Ooohh. So NOW we are YOUR posse! And by posse you mean YOUR sidekicks of some sort? Your FOLLOWERS?" He looked offended.
The count smiled and nodded his head. "Yeah! You NAILED it, bro!"
"What's a posse?" Asked Palpatine. "I STILL don't get it."
Dooku sighed. "Dude, let's just say…that Mon Mothma is into guys who are in posses!" Dooku knew that Palpatine would understand anything as long as it had the words 'Mon Mothma' in it --- somewhere. Heck, Palpatine might even understand 'Adkfjgjbvisugilbvibigf. Mon Mothma. Askdjhfakslgfkjbvudbg'
"I want to be in a posse! I want to be in a posse!" Shouted Palpatine.
"Stop playing around with the master's mind!" Shouted Maul. "You're confusing the poor fellow. He's a star-crossed lover for heaven's sake! Not a mindless twit who you can just move around like a piece in a chess board!"
"Hey, just havin' a little fun, dude. Don't get your panties all bunched up 'bout it."
"UGH!" Maul grunted. Then he waved a hand at Dooku. "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! If it's going to satisfy your low self-esteem, then FINE! I am one of your posses and I am ready to…" He paused, and cringed in advance as to what he was about to say "'rock' and 'roll'." He said gloomily and sarcastically.
"Hell YEAH we're ready to ROCK and ROOOOOLLL" Shouted Dooku on his faux microphone whilst raising a fist in the air.
Then he looked behind him and pointed a finger at the CD player. The CD player opened and Dooku moved his hand in an upwards motion. One of the CD cases that were scattered on the floor opened and he manipulated the force to pull its disc out.
He then whipped his hand sideways and the disc landed on the opened player and it closed in one swift motion. Dooku looked at Maul and Palpatine and grinned and nodded his head. "Dudes, this is gonna be one chillin' trip you ain't ever gonna forgit!"
The count snapped his fingers, and a bass-thumpin', chess-burstin', hiphop beatin' music started to pulsate from the ship's heavy duty bass-boosted speakers.
Maul and Palpatine's eyes widened. They felt like they were inside a drum that was being beaten over and over and OVER again. They felt like their ears were going to explode and that their chests were going to burst. They could practically feel their chests pulsating as the bass in the music thumped and pumped one beat after another.
"Now THIS is what I'M talking about!" Said Dooku. He moved his shoulders up and down and bopped his head with the groove of the music. "This music's pumpin' up my nexus cool, yo! You don't hear shit like this anymore!"
"I'm gonna DIE!" Shouted Palpatine. "My head's gonna explode!" He shouted louder and covered his ears in a desperate attempt to drown the music out.
"Chill out, bro! You'll get used to it eventually! After all, we got aaaall six jiggy hours to listen to aaall my funky tracks, yo! You dudes'll be pretty fly in no time flat!"
Maul and Palpatine stared at each other…and they both screamed in horror.
Dooku chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Pussies." He muttered.
Then he turned around and let himself fall butt first, onto his seat. He took the key from his pocket and stuck it into the ignition. He twisted the key in its place, and the ship literally ROARED into life. The entire vehicle practically shook and jolted as the engine started, and Maul and Palpatine hung onto their seats. The two Siths wished that they had four hands at the time. Two to cover their ears, and two to hold themselves in place.
The driver, on the other hand, looked overwhelmed at the ship's power. "Man, this is HOT!" He exclaimed. "Dunno what Grievous packed into this baby, but it looks like this shit was built for road trips and drag races, man!"
"Look, we do NOT care if this ship was built for DRAG! Just get us off this godforsaken planet and straight to Coruscant! The sooner we finish the grueling six hours of travel time, the better!" Shouted Maul. "And turn down the volume! I can barely hear myself in this disaster that you call music!"
Dooku turned the volume knob down a bit and looked behind him. "First off, that's not drag, yo! That's drag RAY-CING! For all I know, you the drag! So just stay there and keep your butt warm as I take this baby to the stars, aight?"
"Just do what must be done!" Said Maul. "Do it now before I plunge a dagger into my heart as Juliet had done in the play Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare!"
"GAY!" Shouted Dooku.
"Why you…" Maul glared at him and was ready to decapitate the count.
"Stop shouting at each other!" Screamed Palpatine. "IT'S NOT NICE!"
Dooku and Maul looked at Palpatine. "Shut up!" They shouted.
Palpatine hmph-ed, then he crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "Goodness. I try to make the world a better place and they shout at me." He muttered. "And I thought being the good guy was going to be easy for a change."
"Okay, guys! 'Nuff o' all the crap!" Dooku pressed his 'Led Zepperatists' cap against his head and licked his lips. Then he gripped on the knob of the gear shift and looked at his two passengers. "Fasten your seat belts coz here we go!" He pulled the gear back and stomped on the gas pedal.
The ship roared with fury and it suddenly flew backwards, crashing against Palpatine's personal speeder. The three passengers almost fell off their seats at the impact.
Dooku just sat there, gripping at the gear shift. His eyes were wide and his mouth was gaping. "Whoops." He said. "Looks, like, um, we crashed into something…hard."
"MY SPEEDER!" Shouted Palpatine. "My precious speeder!" Palpatine looked out the window and saw his expensive, multimillion Nubian dollar speeder crunched up between the wall and Dooku's ship. Needless to say, it was smokin'.
"Um…really sorry about the speeder, man." Dooku said apologetically.
"Sorry! SORRY! It took me YEARS to buy that! I may have been evil, but I surely was corrupt enough to leech the Republic's money!" Palpatine looked like he was about to explode. He suddenly had the urge to fry the count's ass with his force lightning and chuck his toasted corpse in Mustafar, but he slowly calmed himself down. After all, really nice guys wouldn't do such things. Really nice guys would just forgive and let go.
"Hey, look, I said I'm sorry, dude! I'll pay for it if that'll make you happy, k?"
Dooku exhaled and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He straightened his backwards cap and settled himself in his chair. "Okay, guys…this time, we're REALLY gonna take off. And, like, I mean it. Really…no fucked up shit this time."
"Yes…If you say so. I just hope you don't run over anyone on the way out." Said Maul.
"Hey, look, horny…I got everything under control, k? That, uh, that was just a little fluke, yo! I think I uh, accidentally pressed on something…But don't worry…I got it all under control now. Aaalll under control…"
Dooku shifted the gear and was ready to step on the gas again.
"By the way, Dooku…" Said Maul, peering over the count's shoulder. "Have you EVER driven one of these vehicles?"
"Well I've driven a fair number of ships and speeders at my time. You know, when I wuz younger, which is a couple'a decades ago. I've never driven anything like this though. All this vintage shit's really new to me, yo."
Maul rolled his eyes and pressed his back on his seat. "Oh how wonderful…" He said sarcastically as he looked at his master. "What a stroke of luck indeed! It seems that WE are going to be driven halfway across the galaxy to Coruscant by some 'DUDE' who's never driven something like this in his entire life."
Then Maul and Palpatine's eyes widened. They looked at each other, AND then they looked at the exit of the docking bay where the blue sky awaited them.
"AAAAAH! We're gonna die!" They SCREAMED in unison.
Dooku grinned and looked at them. "Relax, guys! I know what I'm doin'." He stepped on the gas, and thankfully, the ship zoomed forward towards the opening.
Grievous suddenly ran in the docking bay, holding up the count's cape. "Dooku! You left your ---" Then his eyes almost fell out of his mask when he saw the count's speeding mobile heading straight at him. "Oh shit!" He muttered.
"Dooku, look out!" Shouted Maul.
Dooku looked at the windshield and saw Grievous' figure tumbling over it and above his ship. "Aww fuck! I just ran over my second in command!" He shouted
Grievous landed on the concrete floor and rolled for a couple of feet. Then he lay there on the ground, feeling like all of his mechanical and biological parts were turned upside down and inside out. "Ouch." He groaned.
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TBC
