Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, etc, etc. There. Ya happy now?
Summary: When the rest of the Harry Potter series can no longer be finished because the characters get sent to an insane asylum, one fan goes on a mission to set things right.
Chapter Two: Of Dudes and Tennis Balls
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I clutched the clipboard in my arms as a walked cautiously down the hall. I glanced at the numbers painted on each door, and the names taped under them. 'Cale, Logan', I read on one. Hmm… where were the Harry Potter characters? I looked back down at my list, to the room numbers. Sirius was number 216… that should be down the next hall, then…
I turned the corner and passed a few nameless doors before I came to 216. Sure enough, the name read 'Black, Sirius'. I was quite interested in seeing why he was here, mostly due to the fact that I didn't understand how he was here.
I tried to turn the knob, but it was locked. Oh! The keys! I took the keyring off my belt and looked at the keys. There were an awful lot, but luckily they were in numerical order, so it was pretty easy to find the one for room 216. I unlocked the door and cautiously turned the doorknob.
"WAIT!" a voice from down the hall yelled. "DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR YET!"
"Why not?" I asked, letting go of the knob. If this guy had to yell that loudly, it must be something important.
"YOU DON'T HAVE THE ANALYSIS PAPERS YET, DO YOU?" The man was now standing close enough that I could read 'Farmer' on his name badge, and he was still yelling. Also, his breath smelled like bananas. Come to think of it, his hair was sort of the color of a banana, as well.
"I thought the patients still needed to be analyzed," I said, slightly confused, and trying not to breathe out of my nose.
"THEY NEED TO BE THOUROUGHLY EXAMINED, YES. BUT THE ORIGINAL ANALYSIS' HAVE BEEN DONE. YOU NEED TO TAKE A LOOK AT THOSE FIRST, AND THEN FILL OUT YOUR PAPERS," Farmer yelled, holding out a stack of paper.
"Um, okay," I said, taking the papers from him. "Just curiously, how many bananas have you eaten today?" I asked.
"ELEVEN, LIKE ALWAYS," Farmer shouted. He left, and I glanced over Sirius' paper, wondering how a guy who speaks like he has caps lock on and eats that many bananas regularly before noon got to be the head of anything, let along a department of an asylum. I also wondered if his hair color was a side effect of that many bananas.
Black, Sirius – believes that he is still alive, sometimes believes that he is a dog, and has an irrational fear of rats. Dislikes doctors.
I opened the door to Sirius' room. He was lying on a small cot, but when he heard me come in, he jumped up. "I am alive!" he yelled. "I am sometimes a dog! I do not have an irrational fear of rats!"
"Chill," I said, holding up my hand. "I believe you."
"No you don't! You're a doctor. Doctors don't every believe me! That's why I'm stuck here! I AM ALIVE!"
"I heard you the first time. And anyway, I'm not a doctor. I'm a fan of the Harry Potter books who has come to rescue everyone from this asylum. I just have to figure out how."
"Well, that's good. Wait. Books? What books? What are you talking about? I'm not in any books, am I? They're named after Harry? Always knew he would do well. I am sometimes a dog!"
I eyed Sirius nervously. Well, the original report on him may have been incorrect, but Sirius was acting a little insane, if in a different way. Though I suspected that it might have been the asylum that drove him to insanity in the first place.
"Um… okay. Well, just ignore that book stuff. Do you know a way we can get out of here?"
Sirius shook his head. "Not really. Not only do these bracelets keep us from using our magic, but they won't let us leave the asylum. People have tried to escape many times before. I do not have an irrational fear of rats!"
"Well, then…" I backed slowly towards the door. "I'll… get back to you. Right now I need to go see who else I can find to talk to." I slipped out of the door and headed down the hall again. The next door I came to read 'Granger, Hermione'. A puke-colored post-it was stuck under the name. It read: 'Gone to recreational area' in cramped writing.
I had no idea where the recreational area was. Then an idea hit me. Maybe there was a map with the rest of my papers? I hadn't really looked closely earlier. I checked, and sure enough, there was a color-coded map. I followed it to the door of the recreational area, and opened it. There was loud chatter coming from behind the door.
"Someone's coming in!" a voice screeched, and all of the chatter stopped. Everyone in the room stood still and silent, staring at me as I entered.
"Um… hello," I said nervously, looking around. In the room I saw Hermione, Dumbledore, Rita Skeeter, Viktor Krum, Tonks, Charlie Weasley, Ron, Harry, and a guy with a mullet.
"Awesome, dude-o," Mullet Guy said, giving me a thumbs-up. "I didn't realize my shift was already over, dude-o." He opened the door, and said, "Good luck, dude-o," before he left.
I shook my head sadly. The people who worked here were already seeming weirder than the patients. "Sooo… what's up with you guys?" I asked, trying to get them to stop standing there like that and actually do something.
"No talk to doctors!" Charlie yelled.
"I'm not a doctor!" I told them, throwing my white jacket on a chair and setting my clipboard on top of it. "I'm just a fan who has come to rescue you, only I don't know how. I've already talked to Sirius, but he didn't how to get out. I was hoping you guys could think of something."
"Nope," said Charlie. "Recreation time now. Can we think about escaping later?"
Everyone chimed in his or her agreement.
"Fine." I rolled my eyes. "Have your recreation time." At that, everyone turned in unison and went back to whatever they had been doing. Hermione and Dumbledore were playing Air Hockey, Rita was scribbling something in a puke-colored notebook, Ron and Krum were staring at each other, Tonks was playing with a Rubik's cube, Charlie was doing a puzzle, and Harry was still sitting silently. I decided that I might as well read over the reports and see what the other doctors had said was wrong with everyone.
Weasley, Charlie – Traumatized after being attacked by a dragon. Often talks in improper English, and has a fear of doctors.
Skeeter, Rita – Sometimes believes she is a beetle. Has a psychotic obsession with her fingernails and makeup. Writes strange, out-of-context stories about doctors.
Krum, Viktor – Traumatized after failing an attempt at the Wronski Feint. Has an irrational fear of doctors.
Thwack. A tennis ball hit me on the head. I looked up to see Harry sitting silently, looking at me with wide eyes. I looked down at his report.
Potter, Harry – Appears to be traumatized by the death of his godfather. Will not speak. Hits people with things to get their attention. Appears to have an extreme dislike of doctors.
Thwack. Another tennis ball hit me in the head, and I looked up to see Harry staring, wide eyed, at me again.
"ARG!" I looked over to see Ron and Krum fighting with each other. Krum pulled Ron's hair and Ron kicked him in the shin.
I sighed, and went over to stop the scuffle. This whole asylum thing was turning out to be a bit harder than I thought.
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A/N: Do you like it? Huh? Huh? Please review! Again, comments, questions, corrections, and criticism is welcome. I can't stop you from flaming, but any flames will be used for watermelon. Suggestions are also welcome. I do have a few chapters already written up, but it shouldn't be too hard to add or tweak stuff if you have a good suggestion.
Also, I need some ideas for Draco, and some others. If you have an idea for any of the characters, feel free to tell me! The rest of those in the recreation area will be told about next chapter, so I already know those ones, but I am open to ideas for anyone else.
Hey, Lil' P, what'd you think of the Logan thing?
To my most wonderful (and only – so far) reviewer…
ap gato – Thank you! I am very glad you liked it. And that Irie liked it, as well. :) I plan to update soon… I might put up the next chapter a little bit sooner if I get a few more chapters done this weekend.
