Hallucinations and Holly
Cat, Kryten, Lister, and Rimmer sat in the cockpit of Starbug quietly, having just passed through an unreality minefield and not wanting to disturb anything else. They were tracking Red Dwarf, their mother ship, and they were a bit nervous about all of the things that were keeping them away from her. It was as if something was working against them.
"Hey guys, I'm smellin' something," said Cat.
"I've got nothing on long range," said Rimmer.
"There's nothing on short range either," said Kryten.
"I can see it out the window! It's a giant blue fog thing. Oh smeggin' hell, we can't get around it. Brace yourselves!" cried Lister. There was a sudden scurry of movement as everyone put on their seatbelts and covered their faces. Including Rimmer, for he now had a hard light bee and could be hurt just like anybody else, though it took more power.
Starbug drove on through the fog and nothing noticeable happened, but several minutes later the crew started to smell something funny.
"What's that smell?" asked Lister.
"Well, Mr. Lister, I think that it is rosemary. It is often used in cooking. I especially like to use it when I cook your lamb curries–" said Kryten, cut off by Rimmer.
"Kryten, shut up!" he said.
"Uh oh. I'm smelling something else guys. Something pretty bad," interrupted Cat. He looked around the cockpit and saw that the air was turning blue, like the fog they had passed through. "Blue with goldenrod? Are you nuts? I'm getting out of here." He made a motion as if to rise, but he and everyone else fainted before he could make a bigger move.
Rimmer woke up, surrounded by three beautiful girls. One, a brunette, another, a redhead, and the last had black hair. He had no idea where he was, other than the fact that he seemed to still be on Starbug. But that was impossible. There were no females on Starbug.
"Uh. Hello. I am Admiral A. J. Rimmer of the Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf. Can I help you in some way? Or could you help me? I don't know where I am. Where's Lister?" he asked, making the best of being in a place where nobody knows him.
"Good morning Admiral. I am Fiona," said the redhead, "this is Raven," the girl with black hair waved, "and this is Sasha," she said, motioning to the brunette. We are glad to see that you have woken up. Sasha has been working for oh so long to help you. You've been in a coma for three years. You probably don't remember us. I'm your wife. Raven is the designer of our house, and Sasha is our maid. Do you remember anything about the accident?"
Rimmer took a good look at his so-called wife. She reminded him of someone, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. They were all three looking at him expectantly, so he decided to speak. "Accident? I don't remember an accident. I just remember some blue fog, and then I blacked out."
Fiona moved over and sat next to him on the bed and kissed him on the cheek. "Oh honey, I've been ever so worried about you. When we found you on some cymoon we thought you weren't going to make it. Thankfully Sasha knew how to work some medical equipment," she kissed him again, "I've been so scared."
Rimmer looked at the beautiful woman sitting next to him and decided to make the best of his problem. But then he looked at Sasha, the maid, and he was strongly reminded of a person with a very oddly shaped head. Raven reminded him of a stylish animal, and that meant the Fiona had to be –
No, impossible. He was just hit on the head and got a concussion. He's never been in outer space. Never! But she did have that oddly familiar smile, and Raven had funny looking teeth. . .
"Sasha and I will leave you two alone for a while," said Raven, smiling at him and straitening her collar. She and Sasha left the room while Fiona got even closer to him.
"Oh Arnie, I've wanted to passionately kiss you for so long," she kissed him, taking him by surprise, "don't you remember anything, hon? We were going to have three kids, live in a mansion, and you would save the lives of idiotic space adventurers. But now we will have to start our life again. Working our way back to how it was."
"Well, Fiona, don't talk like that. It's very morbid. Why don't you just kiss me again, and we can forget our problems for a while," Rimmer was definitely beginning to like this new life. He kissed his wife passionately.
They both heard a faint voice, oddly familiar to Rimmer, "Euk! Stop it, you're slobbering all over the dashboard. You are disgusting!" But they ignored it and continued kissing.
Only when Rimmer was hit very hard in the head did he finally come to. And he was kissing – Yes. He was kissing Lister. He jumped away, kicking Lister where it hurts as he did. "Oh my God!" he cried, "I kissed the caveman. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to go hide behind a box and have an embarrassing spastic attack." And he ran off.
Lister came to rubbing his eyes as if he had awoken from a very deep sleep. "What's going on guys?" he asked, looking at Cat watching him with disgust. "What's wrong? Where's Rimmer?"
Cat answered, "If your talking about your boyfriend, I don't think he wants to see you right now."
"My wha?"
"Your boyfriend, sir. Mr. Rimmer is hiding behind a box in the other room trying to delete the fact that you were both playing a very entrancing game of tonsil hockey. I believe that he called you Fiona," said Kryten, matter of factly.
"Fiona?"
"Yes dog food face. Now kindly shut up before I throw up. It was terrible enough watching it from here," said Cat, not so kindly.
"I was hallucinating? And I kissed Rimmer? Euck! I remember it though. You, Cat, you were Raven. You had pointy teeth and you were very stylish. And Kryten, you were that Sasha character. The maid and doctor?"
"Yes sir. We were both in the hallucination too. I think it was that fog we passed through earlier," said Kryten.
"I'm such a smeghead!" yelled Lister.
"Yes. You are," said a new, but not unrecognizable voice.
"Holly! You found us. Where's Red Dwarf?" asked Lister, momentarily getting over his liaison with Rimmer.
"Well, actually, I lost it when I was looking for you guys," she said.
"Well, we'll find her," said Cat, "With my good looks, even Red Dwarf couldn't resist me."
"Cat, you're not that handsome. But I'm sure Rimmer would go for you too!" said Lister.
"I heard that!" came a muffled shout from the other room.
