Genre: Drama / Angst / Romance
Pairing: M/A
Disclaimer: I don't own Dark Angel , it owns me. ;) This chapter contains lyrics froma song I don't own don't sue me for that.
Summary: How important are memories? Max and Alec face a new challenge in their changing relationship. Can an unfortunate accident bring them closer together? ...And now jealousy; a catalyst for trouble.
Lethe.
Chapter 8: Left thinking ... why?
Lying in my bed I hear the
Clock tick and think of you,
Turning in circles
confusion is nothing new,
Max stared at the ceiling unable to get to sleep, again. It had been a week and now she was sure Alec was avoiding her. They had gone from practically living together to barely saying two words to each other each day. Now she found she couldn't sleep without him there. She was confused, left alone each night with the same thought running round her head, why? And to make things worse Logan was being super understanding about everything and over attentive. She should be delighted after all this is surely what she wanted from him, but it wasn't and she wasn't. Along with her feelings of confusion she found herself feeling both suspicious and scared: suspicious that Logan had something to do with Alec suddenly distancing himself, and scared that Logan was going to make the possibility of leaving him an impossibility, which had up until now been very much on the table.
Max longed for sleep to clear her head of these dangerous thoughts and to escape her confused mix of sadness and guilt. But it wouldn't come, she'd gotten used to Alec being there, and now she missed that comfortable something Alec brought. She rolled over on to her side picturing him there...
Flashback to warm nights,
Almost left behind.
A suitcase of memories,
Time after ...
That warm smile, that curled his lips even in sleep, soothed her; the extra warmth his body provided, the feeling of his smooth skin when he accidentally brushed up against her, his smell like maple that subtly clung to the sheets even after he had gotten up, the sensation of feeling safe and perfectly at ease in someone's arm's, and the whisper light puffs of air that caressed her skin as he slept beside her. She missed it all. She hated the distance he was creating between them. What had she done to ruin it? Why had he changed his mind? Had he freaked out? but if he was bold enough to kiss her he sure as hell should be bold enough to face the consequences. If anyone had the right to be freaked out it was her not him. Why didn't he want to be with her anymore? Maybe he never did. Maybe it was only her that read more into their nightly ritual. But then that kiss ... surely it had to have meant something to him.
Sometimes you'll picture me
I'm walking too far ahead,
You're calling out to me I
Can't hear what you have said.
She closed her eyes trying to close out the world and listen only to her heart, hoping it's slow rhythms would be enough to soothe her into peaceful slumber. But there he was in her head the moment her eye lids fluttered closed. She could picture him so clearly. She wanted to reach out to him to make him real. This whole situation was making knots in her stomach. Why was it that he made her so crazy? Why was it that whenever it concerned him she just couldn't seem to get her head straight? It was crazy that he was having this effect on her. She remembered a time not too long ago when his constant presence used to drive her crazy, now she was sure this was worse. Then it suddenly clicked. It was crazy, she was lying here feeling sorry for herself when for the first time it was clear what she wanted. She wasn't freaking out in fact she had never been so clear. She knew where she wanted to be and where she just couldn't be anymore.
And you say go slow
I fall behind
the second hand unwind
She knew there was only one thing to do. She leaned over and picked up the clock on her bedside table. It read 2:35, was it too late to go over to Logans?
if your lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting time after time
time after time
(Eva Cassidy - time after time)
Somewhere not too far away, a lone figure stood out on a rooftop looking out over the desecrated remains of an old firehouse, silhouetted by the bright and full moon. Although a lot of the wreckage had been cleared away there was left something of a crater and the few remaining structural pillars that the explosion had not blown out. He looked down at it nostalgically, like looking down on a day he had once lost but was now forever burnt into his memory. What burned worse was the thought of those weeks that followed when he was so lost and so alone but for her. He smiled despite himself. The wind picked up around him, whirling up the sides of the building and whistling through the cracks in the abandoned tower blocks. He zipped up his jacket and sadly moved off to work thinking of the one place he would rather be, with the one girl that drew him back to her time after time, the one girl who was now there alone.
The sun was up and a new day shone throughout the refurbished penthouse. The usually wet and muggy Seattle for once seemed like another world altogether as it sparkled with life and a renewed sense of hope seemed to move in the air. For Max however, she would much rather it were raining, all this sunshine didn't fit with her purposes for today. She sat glazed over in thought as she nursed a cup of pre-pulse coffee. She stared into her cup distractedly not sure how to broach the topic or how to bring it up. Logan was chattering away apparently oblivious to the fact that she wasn't really listening. She looked up at him and his hopeful face wondering whether the obvious cloud hanging over her had alerted him as to the reason for her visit.
"Do you want something to eat?" he asked
"No ... I'm fine."
"I've got some leftovers, I don't mind whipping up some pasta."
"No, I'm fine really."
"Perhaps a biscuit or a biscotti for your coffee or..."
"I said I'm fine ... Really." Max said a little harshly, but she was adamant now about not delaying the inevitable any longer. "Logan, listen..." but then where would she begin. "Things between us are..."
"Tense? I know but that's something to work on."
"That's just it Logan it's all so much work, it's never right, it's never good between us anymore." Logan fell silent and his expression of hope dropped away. He'd been afraid this conversation had been pending for some time, it had been written all over her face.
"But Max if we all gave up anytime something seemed too hard or became too much work..."
"I know Logan, but it's more than that and you know it, you must have felt it falling away." Maybe he had, maybe that's what had been causing that emptiness to grow inside him. But after all they'd fought for, all the trauma, all the struggling, he couldn't believe that this was it.
"But that's all circumstantial, what is there that isn't?"
"There's your work, my family." Max began, becoming weary of this fairly quickly. "There's no faith, no trust, you don't trust me to be me."
"Who says I don't trust you?" Logan said quickly sounding more alarmed than offended. Max said nothing and looked away trying to think of a way to make this whole process less painful.
"It was Alec wasn't it, he told you." Logan grumbled suddenly grabbing Max's attention. It seemed she may have been right after all and perhaps she would finally fine out what was going on.
"Err, well ... yes." Max answered craftily. She though carefully about how to phrase her questions so that she could squeeze the most information out of him. "Well? have you got anything you want to add?"
"I just ... over reacted," Logan sighed "It's not like I was stalking you."
"You overreacted?" Max was confused.
"Ok, ok, I jumped to conclusions ... again. You have to believe me it's more about me having issues with Alec than with you. You know what he's like." Max frowned.
"You still have issues with Alec even after all this time!" She couldn't believe it and yet it wasn't surprising. Logan had never taken her relationship with Alec in all it's shapes and forms very well but she had hoped he would have gotten past that by now. Logan didn't say anything , his guilt evident in his silence.
"Logan. He's my friend, he was in an accident, he could have died, ok. If it had happened to Asha wouldn't you want to see to it personally that she got the best care and help possible?" Now it was Logan's turn to be confused, he frowned.
"Well yes, but I thought this was about the surveillance footage?"
"I haven't even got to that yet!" Max almost shouted having been caught off guard. Her mind raced. What surveillance? What footage? What did this have to do with Alec?
"Why were you checking surveillance?"
"I wasn't checking up on you, it was Chris. After his place got robbed that night he was checking through all the surveillance recordings and found you and Alec together on the balcony and thought I should know. He jumped to exactly the same conclusion." It all began to fall into place. Logan had evidence of them being together at the party and with her acting so funny that night he assumed there was an affair going on. He must have gone to confront Alec who clearly denied everything enough for Logan to believe him and was now in the process of denying it to himself and to her. Max felt enraged, although perhaps she had no right to do as she was guilty of wanting another man. However, she would never start another relationship behind his back, she'd been through enough with Logan that surely she owed him at least that. That's why she'd come here in the first place. But he had never completely trusted her to look after herself, to look after her family , and with other men unless she specifically thought of them as brothers. Perhaps this is why she could never truly open up to him, although he tried he could never truly accept all she was and all that meant she brought with her. This maybe why despite the virus being gone their relationship still wasn't working, it seemed like the virus was just an excuse. The virus had made the possibility of being together beyond it a fantasy, a dream that reality could never match up to.
Max felt tears welling up in her eyes as she looked up at him across the table from her as she tried to glare.
"So that's your excuse is it, it's not your fault everyone was jumping to the same conclusions!"
"No, Max, it's not like that. But can you blame me after what you had me believe before!" Logan bit back defensively.
"That was for your own protection, I let you believe what you wanted to believe I never purposely put the idea in your head it was already there, I just used it so that you wouldn't one day accidentally get killed!" Logan was also getting angry as the shouts and accusation escalated.
"So what? this is all my fault? I don't think so. You think I'm the only one with trust issues? You never tell me anything, I'm never in the loop. You don't trust me either!" He shouted pointedly. Max quietened down as the words really seemed to hit home and she nodded sadly at the truth behind them.
"No, I guess your right." She wiped a stray tear from her cheek as the plain admission stilled Logan. "But look at us Logan, we're just not happy even without the virus we are strangers. We can't go on making each other this miserable. This has to stop."
"I can't make you happy?" Max shook her head, "And he can?"
"Maybe." Max answered keeping her eyes locked with his.
"You're not happy Logan and it's because of me. You know it's time to move on, for both of us." Logan remained locked with her for a few moments more before he nodded slowly slumping into his chair a little defeated. Max came to sit next to him and gingerly touched his hand.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, Logan smiled and took her hand with a gentle squeeze.
"Me too."
A/N: there you go as promised slightly quicker update and it looks like I'm almost done. I will get down to writing the finale right away. Any thoughts? review! let me know what you think.
