Another Alternate Dimension?

With Holly back with the crew on Starbug, everybody was a lot happier, despite the fact the Red Dwarf was still missing. Holly's claim was that she left it alone for a moment and it ran off, but everybody knew that Red Dwarf was not a dog.

"Euh, dogs! I hate dogs. They smell and they have fleas and bad breath. And they could never be as good looking as me!" proclaimed Cat.

"Cat, enough of this! Just close your can, open your nose, and lets find our Dwarf," said Rimmer, moving to inspect the scanners for any sign of her. "Oh lets face it! We are all going to die, stuck here, stranded on Starbug. If Lister the stupid had not lost her in the first place, none of this would have happened!"

"Hey, hey! I did not lose her. In fact I remember what the planetoid looked like. Bluey, greeney, and planetoidy," said Lister.

"Oh well what useful information," grumbled Rimmer.

"Excuse me, but red alert, red alert," interjected Holly, "We are getting a distress call from the Mining Ship Red Dwarf. Red alert. Red alert."

"Um, Holly? Did you just say Mining Ship Red Dwarf?" asked Rimmer, "That would be out ship you know. Who on Earth could be sending us a distress call if we are all here?"

"Punch it up, Hol," commanded Lister.

Holly pushed a button but Kryten stopped it from showing up at the very last minute. "Sirs, what if it is our future selves once more? We would not want another disaster like that. Please go into the other room while I talk to them and I will let you know if it is okay to come in."

Mumbling and flicking Kryten off behind his back, the rest of the crew went into the other room and shut the door behind him. They all sat down in chairs that looked as if they had come from a school cafeteria.

"What gives novelty condom head the right to boss us around?" asked Cat, disgustedly.

"Nothin'," said Lister, "Nothin' give him the right. So technically, we can walk in there right now and he can't stop us because he is programmed to obey humans. Yes," he cried, doing a small jig. He walked to the door and pressed the manual override button to open it. Himself, Cat and Rimmer sauntered into the room.

Kryten turned. "Oh good. I was just about to get you. Please forgive me for shutting you out," he turned and motioned to the video screen, "apparently they are from an alternate dimension. It is our former selves, but they are very different, and there are other people on board. They have one person who is, well, dying! They think that we can help her."

"Her? Her? As in lady? Soft and squidgy?" asked Cat, nearly hyperventilating.

"Yes. I woman named Darlene. Apparently she is a combination between you, Mr. Lister, and Mr. Rimmer," answered Kryten.

"Euh. She must be pretty ugly," said Cat.

"Thanks a lot," said Rimmer and Lister at the same time. Lister gave Rimmer a funny look, but shook his head as if ridding himself of a mental picture. Or memory.

It was only two days ago that there had been a hallucinogenic fog that caused Rimmer to believe that Lister was his wife. And the day before that there were many unreality pockets to drive through. It had been one hell of a week.

"Well, I'm going in," said Lister, "Power her up, you guys are coming wether you want to or not. Time to see wether Rimmer and I make a good combination."

"Don't remind me, Listy," said Rimmer.

Kryten and Holly changed the course of Starbug and turned her back towards the other Red Dwarf, abandoning their attempts to find their own. Several minutes later they were docking in Bay 21. Lister jumped out of Starbug, happy to be on 'land' once again. The remainder of the crew followed.

"Calling Holly on Red Dwarf 2," said Kryten on his radio piece.

"This is Holly. She cannot come to the screen right now. She is either with Darlene in surgery or on vacation in Bermuda."

"Damn this radio," said Kryten, "It must be picking up a message."

"You really think so Kryten?" asked Lister sarcastically. He was startled when three people came down to greet them.

"Hey Mr. Buddy!" said a creature that was half mechanoid, half . . .cat? "I'm Krat. In your universe, I'm like you Mr. Butter pat head, and you, black guy with big teeth." He motioned to a man next to him. "This is Krymir. He's like Mr. Kryters and Mr. Goal post head." Krymir waved. "And this, this is Crimmer. He's like Arnie and Mr. Cat. Limmer is with Darlene in the medical bay."

All in all they were an awkward looking group of people, but the regular dwarfers were pretty strange too. Lister couldn't help himself, "How did you get a girl on the ship? And what's with all these combination people. And why is there only one combination with me?"

Rimmer made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat, but refrained from insulting Lister.

"Oh," Crimmer spoke up, Krister and Lisat are moon hopping. Krister is caveman and Arnold. Lisat is the stylish one and Lister."

"What about Holly?" asked Rimmer.

"She wasn't in the accident," said Krymir, "I'll start from the beginning. Cat, Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten, I call ourselves that because we no longer are who we were, were all moon hopping in our own dimension. We had gotten a distress signal, where we rescued a badly injured Darlene. She said that we should have left her to die because she was cursed. But Lister wouldn't let an innocent woman die. So we rescued her and she breathed a funny looking fire thing. It jambled us all up, and instead of four people we had six. So she really is cursed. But Krister, Lisat, and Limmer, who all contain parts of Lister, refused to let her go. She doesn't really want to be here. She thinks that she is better off dead. We believe that you four have the knowledge to cure her condition."

"Wow," breathed Kryten, "You really are in a scramble aren't you? Engage lie mode. Rimmer is a very good surgeon."

"I am? I mean, yes, of course I am," said a startled Rimmer. "Kryten is my assistant."

All of the others watched this exchange of words between Kryten and Rimmer. Kryten knew something. And he wasn't telling everybody else. Lister took matters into his own hands, "We are a team of surgeons. And we need to go see the patient and confer, privately."

Cat looked up, "Get guts on my rosebud jacket. No way am I surgeoning. I will tell you what to do. Lets go confer."

Krat led the 'surgeon group' to a private chamber to allow them to privately confer, but only after taking them to see Darlene.

"She's about as good looking as Rimmer," stated Cat blatantly.

Rimmer stood up tall, thinking he was being paid a complement, then he got a look at her. "Uh, no. She looks kind of like Lister."

"Me? No, she looks a bit like your mum," he said to Rimmer.

They stepped into the conference room and shut themselves in. Kryten had just about started talking when Lister's Holly watch started buzzing.

"Yea, what is it Hol?" he asked.

"Quick, get back to Starbug. I've made a cock-up. Get back to the ship," Holly was nearly yelling.

The dwarfers took off running to bay 21. "So Kryten, what's your theory?" asked Rimmer.

"Well, sir, I was going to say that this whole thing is a fraud. That Darlene character, she was a wax model. I believe that Krister and Lisat, who are supposedly moon hopping are actually trying to steal Starbug and leave us here. They must be out of vital supplies, or something," replied Kryten.

"Those bastards!" shouted Cat, trying not to sweat and ruin the armpits of his jacket.

"I agree sir," said Kryten.

"Yes," said Rimmer, "we're nearly there!"

They all put on one last spurt of energy and reached the bay just as two figures climbed into Starbug. "Sprint," shouted Lister. They did. They all ran as fast as they could to reach the ship before it could take off. Holly would only last for so long.

Finally they made it. They all jumped on and practically collapsed onto the floor.

"Get up, get up!" said an urgent Holly, "Krister and Lisat have come on board. Get the bazookiods. They are taking control of the ship."

Rimmer surprisingly was the first one to get up. He helped Lister, Cat and Kryten to their feet and they all went to grab a gun.

When they arrived in the drive room, there were two Lister look-a-likes driving Starbug away from the alternate Red Dwarf. One of them had good style and the other had a funny head.

"Get out of my seat or I'll blow you to smithereens," threatened Lister to one of the imposters.

Krister and Lisat turned and smiled. Lisat spoke, "If you kill one of us, it is like killing yourself and a crewmate."

"Lister, don't listen to him. Just blow their heads off," shouted Holly hysterically.

"Goodbye smeghead," said Lister and readied the gun. "C'mon you guys, I'm not going to be the only one killing."

Cat shot at Lisat, killing him instantly. "I had to shoot him. It was a version of me with no dress sense at all."

Lister killed Krister. "Now what Hol?" he asked.

"Well, I would say, run, because their Starbug is coming after us. After all, we did kill two of their crewmates," she cried.

"What bloody smegheads," said Rimmer. "They aren't even in their own dimension. Why are they coming after us?"

"That doesn't make sense sir," said Kryten. "But pardon me sir, it actually is their dimension. I think I figured out the miscalculation that I made."

"Oh dear God, help us all," said Rimmer.


Hey, thanks to RimmersLittleVoodooDoll and reddwarfaddict for reviewing! Also, I'm kind of sick, but I'm writing it for you:) I own the characters Krat, Krymir, Crimmer, Darlene, Limmer, Lisat, and Krister. I know, it's kind of confusing. I had to write it down. But, you won't have to remember them much longer. So how do you like it? Please review! Thanks for reading!