Crash Landing
"Get it started. Drive away, drive away!" screamed Rimmer hysterically.
It had been a very trying day. The crew of Starbug had answered a distress call from an alternate Red Dwarf, consequently losing track of their own, and now they were being chased by insane versions of themselves. They had killed two of their crewmates, but some things should be let to slide.
Lister started up Starbug, "I'm going to try and land on the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere."
"Sir, do you think that is a good idea? After all, these other humans can breath too, so they would come down and find us," said Kryten.
"Hey, I have an idea," said Cat. Everybody turned to look at him. "Why don't we use a cloaking device?"
"Thanks a wonderful idea sir, with only two problems. One, we don't have a cloaking device, and two, there's no such thing as a cloaking device," answered Kryten.
"Oh! Too bad buddy. We're all going to die," said Cat.
"Oh Cat, will you please shut the smeg up?" asked Lister, thoroughly annoyed.
"Red alert, red alert!" shouted Holly.
"What is it Holly?" asked Rimmer. Everyone fell forward as Starbug gave a big jolt to the side, causing Cat to fall onto of Lister's curry.
"My suit. You ruined my suit," cried Cat. He paused, examining the redish curry stain on his suit, "Actually, I think I can make this work. Be right back guys, I've got to change my socks."
"What a smeghead . . ." said Lister.
"Holly!" shouted Rimmer, bringing everybody back to reality.
"Oh yea. They are shooting at us with their laser cannons," she replied.
"Well that clears that up," said Rimmer sarcastically.
Everyone lurched forward again as Starbug took a direct hit to the engines.
"Sirs, and ma'am, may I advise that we go land on that planet? We have lost all three of our rear engines and the OG unit is melted," said Kryten.
"Smeggin' hell," said Lister.
"How much oxygen do we have?" asked Lister.
"Nine minutes worth Mr. Arnold, sir," answered Kryten.
"Oh," said Rimmer, laughing. "You may well be about to die Listy."
"Well thank you Rimmer. It's bad enough without you breathing down my neck!" replied Lister.
"I'm back! Feeling good," said Cat, dancing around, showing off his new bright red socks. "How d'you like them?"
"I'm going to take her down Lister, do you want manual?" asked Holly.
"No, Hol, I trust you," he replied.
"You – what?" asked Rimmer.
"Sirs, if I may interject, Holly is a fine computer," Holly smiled, "But she can navigate about as well as a cheese sandwich. We have a mechanoid saying that I think is useful in this situation. In binary language it goes like this. 011011110100001010101011."
"I have a better one. In Rimmer language it goes like this, 'Duck and Cover!'" Rimmer shouted.
For once, everybody obeyed him. Rimmer dived under the dashboard with Cat. Kryten got under the table where Lister was resting his curry, and Lister braced himself against a cupboard.
Thirty second later they landed, albeit ungracefully. Outside the 'bug there was a great splash of water and loud, somewhat disheartening, scraping noises.
"Oh, I didn't know there was an ocean here," said Holly thoughtfully, "Whoops."
"Open the top hatch, Lister and Cat are suffocating," ordered Rimmer to Kryten.
"But sir," answered Kryten.
"No buts, just do it you goit!" yelled Rimmer in reply.
"I'm a what?" asked Kryten, but he moved to open the hatch nonetheless.
"Oh thank Cloister," said Cat, regaining his breath.
How didya like it? I know, it's kind of short, but I had to set the scene. You know how it is. Many thanks to reddwarfaddict, RimmersLittleVoodooDoll, and shaun. So please review! I'll try to update later this week, but I have to start school again and I have a huge Romeo and Juliet project. But I'll try!
