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Disclaimer: Do not own Yu-gi-oh.
Rated for: Language
Enjoy!
Luminance
Fuck. It's raining again. Even harder than before. I try to work, but my fingers refuse to comply.
I close my laptop and walk back over to my bed. I move my trembling hands over the lazuline sheets, my fingers lingering over them lightly. The place where we had sex. The place where we made love. Love. What is that? I was always thought that love was an unnecessary emption. I believed that.
Many times I look back and think. Maybe it would have all been different. Maybe I could love. But what the fuck is the point of thinking that? Useless. Death f my parents, orphanage, early adulthood, my baby brother's death, and finally the great finale, Gozaburo. Pain. All those things made sure that there was no room left for anything else. Just cold, raw pain.
When I think back on my life, I can remember the bad things with a blink of an eye. It's the good thing I have trouble with. Good things. What good things? There are none. My sunshine's death erased all of them. Everywhere I think about all the happiness we shared, I turn to tears. The thought that I'll never hold him again, I'll never see his smile…I thought of committing suicide.
But I could not. Not because I didn't want to, but because I promised. I promised. When we were little, in the orphanage, we made a pinky swear that no matter what happens to one another, we'll never let go. We'll keep living. We'll never let go of each other. We'll always be together. I knew Mokie would not want me to do this.
I stare at the gun in my hands. How easy. How easy it is to just take away your life. It seems that any moment now, it'll make all better. And all the things, All the questions, will find their answer. Just forget about your past. Forget about the live you lived. Just do it. That's what I always though.
The best way of death. The gun to my head. The cool feeling of the metal pressed against my skull. Just let go. Just pull the trigger. And you'll see him again. Easy and painless. Instant death. I can see the headlines now. Billionaire Seto Kaiba committed suicide in the quarters of his home. They'll forget about it in a week. I could do it right now.
What's the point of having all this money? What's the point of living? What' the point of breathing everyday? All those questions came to mind when I was left completely alone. I regret it now. All those times he wanted me to stay at home. To play with him. Or just to be with him. To feel the human warmth.
But I. I pushed him away like he was nothing to me. I told him I didn't have time. I said to leave me alone. 'Don't bother me I said. Go play with your toys. What do you want from me? Don't you see I have work to do? What's wrong with you!'
How could I? How dare I? We played all the time in the orphanage. Then Gozaburo came. But I'd be even more of a weakling if I blame him. No. It's my fault. I made those decisions. I didn't have to be like Gozaburo. No one made me. I was and I am like that on my own. Completely on my own.
I hate myself. I despise myself. How could I be so cruel to my own little brother? My world. My soul. My everything.
And then she came. I screwed her life up too. It made me feel better about myself. I put that anger and sadness and blame on someone else. By hurting her, I hurt everyone who ever hurt me. Like a payback. Only that wasn't enough. Never enough.
I still couldn't feel satisfied. It angered me even more when I thought about her feeling pity for me. No, I don't need pity. I need revenge. For my brother, for my own life. I needed to hurt her deeper to feel better. To feel her body writhe. Ignoring her love. Ignoring her pain. What a bastard I am.
I stood up and put the gun down on the nightstand. I crossed the room and poured myself some more whiskey or brandy…who cares as long as it's alcohol. As long as I drown in its strong taste. And forget even if for a while. I'm seriously becoming addicted. Good. Maybe I can kill myself this way and not get blamed for it. Yes, excellent idea. I don't have anyone now. Not that I want to. My friendly bottle of whiskey will keep me company.
I took a long gulp from the bottle not even bothering to pour it into a glass. I'll die quicker this way. Whoever invented whiskey must have been pretty fucked up too.
I lost balance and fell on the hard wooden floor. Shit. I'll never get up now. It doesn't matter. Sunshine isn't here, she isn't here. There's no one to care anymore. It's good that she left. She probably deserves better anyway. Someone who'll love her. Whatever that is. She's probably at the shrimp's gameshop now. She always runs to them. No where else to go. Just like me. I just prefer to be alone.
It's stupid having someone help solve your problems when they can't even solve their own. Like Yami. I hate him. But even then, I can't help but feel sorry for him a bit. Yugi developed an early stage of tuberculosis. Sucks for him. Shouldn't have been breathing where he wasn't supposed to. He deserves it anyways. He'll probably die soon too. I guess we're all in the same boat. We're all fucked up.
Bakura has a couple major sexually transmitted diseases from what she told me. Not surprising. He jumps someone new every night. Damn, being immortal and having that for the rest of your undying life is pretty bad. He's a retard anyways. Waste of pure oxygen. He probably passed it on to Marik.
I think I gulped up two whole bottles of whiskey by now…or is it three? Everything's spinning round and round. I need to buy some more of this stuff. This is goood.
I stare at the ceiling. It's pretty. It's spinning round and round like a merry go round. I took Mokie to one of those once. Back when I wasn't yet a workaholic. I'm an alcoholic and I'm a workaholic. It rhymes.
I remember the carousel was so colorful. Red and white stripes on top and the little horses all around . Beautiful. The melody I remember also. Vaguely thought. And his shining face. His bright smile. His happy eyes.
'Big brother. Go with me. I like the blue horse. Which one do you like?'
Tears trickle down the sides of my cold face, burning me. Hurting me. Why can't you come back? Mokuba. Mokuba. I'm so sorry, little brother. Mokie…I'm so very sorry.
I curled up and pressed my knees to my chin. I pray that when the morning light shines through…I'll be dead.
/to be continued…/
Write your comments and thoughts about this chapter. Seto is feeling more and more depressed. Will he die or will he live to see some light shining through his life at the end of the road? What do you think?
Till next time.
kisses,
mirage
! valete !
