Disclaimer: As before and as shall be here after so I don't have to do this again.


Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. Albert Camus


"Then I'll start at the beginning I guess. That first day I met Kim…"

"I have to admit I couldn't have made a great first impression as it was about a week after Nick had been discharged from the hospital, after the kidnapping. You all remember how that affected all of us."

They all nod, but they glance uneasily at Nick. Maybe this isn't what I should be bringing up. It's not something anyone would want to remember. It had affected us all badly, obviously Nick most of all. But he's smiling as he nods too.

"Well it was after you had made the prison visit, and moved out of my place and back to yours Nick. I can't remember exactly what day it was, or what the weather was like. I know I just hadn't wanted to be home alone. I was out walking, feeling like a total wuss because there I was feeling claustrophobic in my flat and having to escape, struggling to cope, while you soldiered on Nick. I've always admired that about you. You're so understanding and kind, but not soft, not weak. You're really strong. You've been through so much, but you've kept this positive outlook on life. I've never been good at dealing with hardships."

I think that's a bit of an understatement. After the lab explosion I couldn't control my nerves. My hands always shook and it took a while for me to settle back in to work in the lab. But I had great support from my friends, the very people who sit before me now, and eventually I was able to cope, and the shaking stopped. I guess before the lab explosion I never really had to suffer 'hardships'. I lead a blessed life and was always able to be upbeat and enjoy life to the full.

Was this my punishment? Did I have to suffer now because I never really took life too seriously for so many years? I never struggled in school. I always had great fun, but didn't slack and got great grades as well. I went straight from college to work and even got to change career and move out into the field when I wanted to. I had it easy. I guess I couldn't have it all though. So my relationship with Kim had to be hard.

But she never had it easy. Why did it have to be taken out on her? She never deserved to have her life cut short. Why couldn't something else have happened to me? Why did I have to lose the best thing in my life? Why was my wife punished because I had sailed through life before? It's not like I never appreciated all I had. Hell, I worked hard to get where I am in my career. God knows I even had to work hard to get to that stage in my relationship with Kim where everything was just perfect.

So I didn't have massive struggles, sure I hadn't had my strength and character tested like Nick, but I didn't really sail through life. I had to work hard, and I never took life for granted, I just made sure I enjoyed it. God really is twisted. I still can't understand it. I had no reason to be punished. Kim sure as hell didn't. So why?

Why are there so many unanswered 'why's?

They are all staring at me and I realise I've went back into my own little world, my own little hell, where she's still gone and I'm all alone and nothing makes sense. That's not just my world. That's just the way the world is now.

"Where did you meet her? That day, you were out walking?"

I'm prompted to continue with my tale. They know where I met her though so the question irritates me. It's not as if I'm the only one who knew her, so why does it seem I'm the only one that cares, that remembers, that misses and grieves.

I'm not interested in playing this game anymore. Talking won't help. She'd be dramatically rolling her big blue eyes right now. Those eyes that would be sparkling with mirth as a wide smile would adorn her beautiful face. She'd think this game was silly too. Not really a game at all, just a waste of time. Like everything lately.

But I can't see that face. That beautiful face I admired daily. The one I'd memorised as I stared at all our photographs for hours on end for months after her death. I could describe it, every freckle, but I can no longer picture her and see her warmth shine through, the wonderful vision that appeared in my dreams very night and belonged to a dream come true is gone. I'm losing her all over again and I know I need to try and get the memories back. I need to do this. But it's just so hard.

I open my eyes unaware of when I'd closed them. It didn't make a difference. Darkness still surrounded me. I blink the room into focus, but I can't look directly at those around me. So I resume staring at my favourite spot on the floor and a voice I barely recognise as my own continues the tale.

"Well, on that day I was walking about and eventually wound up at the diner we occasionally went to for breakfast after a shift, as this was when we were just moved to days so it hadn't been too long since we'd last been there. It's been over a year since I've been there now. But anyway, I was just sitting in the corner booth when she came over to me. I was in a pretty foul mood I guess because I can't remember much about the day at all so I can only imagine I looked a mess. But she was beautiful.

I can't tell you what she wore. I can't tell you how her hair was styled. I can just tell you she lit up that booth with her smile and bright blue eyes. She did her job, but I don't know what I ordered. It wasn't until an hour or so had passed and her shift ended that she came back to me, asking if she could sit with me until her lift came. We just sat in silence for a while. I don't know how long, but it was comfortable – strangely comforting even. I'm sure she spoke first. And I enjoyed the first easy conversation since the whole drama occurred. It was just normal."

It was better than normal actually. Well looking back it was. I don't mean looking back now; even then – just after I'd left the diner when her lift arrived – I knew it had been special. It was only that night that I recalled every second in high spirits. The conversation had been plain, just the mundane topics of everyday things. But as I recalled it, it was her that I focused on. Her friendly, easy going manner attracted me to her.

I'd never really believed in love at first sight. If I was attracted to someone at first sight I'd take it as that, and I'd flirt and get to know them, take them on a date and then consider stronger feelings. It was no different with Kimberly the waitress. I found her attractive yes, but I took that only as a good sign I was finally coping well and moving on – getting back to normal.

So the next day I returned to work still in high spirits, getting back to the normal Greg. I even wore a patterned shirt, which seemed to please Hodges. Meeting her was the turning point for me dealing with the near loss of one of my best friends, just because she pulled me back into the real world that was going on without me as I just went about on autopilot. I don't think I ever told her about that though.

I wish I could tell her now.

I wish I could just talk to her at all. Tell her anything. Tell her I stumped my toe on the chest of drawers in the study again for the fifth morning in a row today when I went to get a book to read because I couldn't sleep, was cried out and couldn't stand to just lie in our bed. Alone.

They are staring again. I can't read the looks on their faces. Did I say that out loud? Do they think I'm crazy talking about wanting to tell my wife I stumped my toe?

Maybe I am crazy.

In fact I know I'm crazy.

I'm crazy about Kim. I'm going crazy missing Kim. I just want to be sitting in the corner booth with her right now. Until now I've never thought of my first meeting with Kim since our first date, because after that it never seemed important. It was the memories of me asking her out and then every moment after that which were dearer to me.

It's funny when you think about it. You don't realise the significance of some moments when they happen but looking back they are an essential part of something very important to you. Having just talked about my first encounter with Kim I realise that it alone isn't really a very exceptional memory. It could have just been anyone I talked to that helped me. But it's because of the later developments in our relationship that makes that day so special. Because she could have sat with someone else. Or someone else could have sat with me. And then I really would have lost out. I still could well have reached that turning point, but I would have missed out on two wonderful years. So that memory means the world to me because it is when my life was first blessed with my angel.

It just kills me that it was only two years.

Only I'm not dead yet. But she is.

I wish she wasn't dead.

I wish I was dead.

That could actually work. I could be with her again that way. I'm not carrying a gun right now, but I have one. It's at home right now in the dresser drawer.

Warrick clears his throat and draws my attention from my bedroom at home back to the room full of my friends. They'd understand wouldn't they?

They're all smiling. I think Catherine may have even chuckled a little. I knew they'd understand it's the best thing to do.

"You're a sly one man. I thought the first day you met her was like two weeks after that. Now I know why you were so adamant we had to have lunch at that diner. You were planning on asking her out all along and just used us."

Warrick's smiling, cool as ever, and I can't help but smile a little.

"I forgot about that. I never told you I'd talked to her before. But I hadn't been planning on asking her out. We just got talking again, and she was sweeter than I remembered when she said she was glad to see me happier than before. And she was really funny as she joked and flirted with me as much as I was flirting with her. It was a spur of the moment thing. I just knew that day that I wanted to see her again…and again. That was the day I became hooked on her."

'Hooked' is definitely the appropriate term. I wanted to spend time with her every day. I think I came on a bit too strong really at the start. She only wanted to be friends in the beginning. We'd hang out together, but it was never a 'date'. Once she told me that I was happy enough to be friends. I still wanted to spend as much time with her as I could but I didn't push her to take our relationship further. I respected her wishes. We were friends, first and foremost. But just as I didn't push her, I didn't hold back either when she began to see a future for us.

She was still sceptical, and worried about ruining our friendship. She wasn't as convinced of our compatibility as a couple as I was. And boy did she take some convincing to give us a shot as the start was a little rocky as adjustments had to be made. But she was worth it.

She was worth fighting for. I never once doubted us. I never thought of giving up.

I won't give up on her now.

She's worth dying for.

Sara's talking now. Making jokes about my lame chat up lines. They all laughing and joking. But the laughs become strained and they continually glance at me, wondering why I'm not joining in. I can't remember the sound of my laugh. But I hear Kim's now.

They all jump as I get to my feet. I definitely moved too quickly. My vision swims and I go limp as Warrick and Nick grab me and hold me up.

It only lasts a minute. They look hurt when I shrug them off and go to the door, so I can't leave it like this.

"Thank you, guys. This helped. I couldn't go on the way I was. I've realised that now. I've had enough. I've talked enough. Thank you for helping me decide that I need to take action and regain control of my life. You helped me hear Kim again. I know what I have to do."

I feel a huge weight is being lifted from me and my smile is sincere as I leave the crime lab and head home. The burden that has suppressed my spirit is floating from me, carried along with the voices of my friends who are filing out behind me as I make my departure. I've not been so eager to get home since she died. Now I can't get there fast enough.

I'm coming home to you Kim.


TBC

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