Fall from a branch
Fall from above
But whatever you do
Don't fall in love
I'm coming home to you Kim.
This place doesn't feel like home anymore. It's a prison. And my friends are the wardens.
I'm beginning to worry about my new found obsession with floors. They can't help me escape from this stark reality. They won't replace Kim in my heart. So why is it that they hold my attention like this?
They've stopped trying to talk to me. I think they realised I don't hear what they are saying, I only hear the floors. That sounds so strange even in my head. I'm really worried I'm becoming obsessed with floors. But what I mean is I hear my friends' footsteps as they move around me and I know they're still here. I just can't take in what they're saying.
I didn't want to at first. When they came and took my gun from me I was too angry to listen to them. Now I just can't hear them. I was so close. I was going to see Kim again. Hear her and talk to her. Now all I hear is silence, the sound of being isolated. I'm cut of from her by the barrier between this life and whatever lies beyond. I'm also cut of from my friends and this world by my own grief.
I'm really beginning to lose my mind. It's like I'm having an out of body experience, because I'm aware that alls not right. But I'm powerless to do anything. I know I shouldn't feel this way. But I get so confused, my mind has a life of its own and wanders aimlessly from one train of thought to the next and I don't know what I'm doing.
I think I'm developing multiple personalities. Except they are all the same in that they solely consist of longing for Kim. Each just seems to be coming up with different ways to deal with the situation.
The 'me' that's turning to floors to try and help is really worrying me. It couldn't be drugs or alcohol. I have to go for floors. And they're everywhere!
I need help!
Grissom seems to agree.
I shouldn't have taken my eyes of the floor. Now he's sitting beside me. Urging me to talk. I'm too afraid. Afraid of how it remove all doubt that my attempt to end my futile existence failed. It'll prove I'm still here in this God-forsaken world.
But I'm also afraid of what words will come out when I speak. If they relate in any way to what I'm thinking I fear he'll see how crazy I've become and he'll leave. And I'll be left alone again.
I really don't like being left alone.
His touch makes me nearly jump out of my skin. But he doesn't stop gently wiping away my tears. This is a side of Grissom I've never seen before. I don't know if I really want to see it now. But I continue to cry and I don't push him away.
It's only when I close my eyes I feel a gentler touch. Unmistakably Kim's. And then I blink my eyes open and gasp in pain as his touch seems to burn. He pulls away immediately and sighs. In that short sound I hear him say 'I know. Nothing seems the same without her. Nothing seems as good.' And I see that understanding reflected in his eyes.
It brings a lot of comfort to know that he doesn't judge me and doesn't think any less of me because I'm struggling to cope without Kim. It has been over a year since she passed away but the pain hasn't eased. It's comforting that he respects that I never stopped loving her, so I can't stop missing her. The grief just won't dissipate.
Love shouldn't hurt like this.
Life would be so much easier if I didn't feel this love. If I didn't' feel anything. I can't help but wonder would she feel the same. I love her more than she loved me. I have always been sure of that because I am positive it is impossible for anyone to feel so strong a love as mine for her.
Yeah, I definitely fell big time when I fell for her. But I'm wrong to doubt that she loved me just as much.
And it's so wrong to ever think it would be better to not love, to not feel this or not feel anything. I was over the moon when I realised my attraction to Kim and our ensuing friendship had grown to love.
Falling in love was the best thing I ever did. Though the fall from the moon when it seemed she still wasn't on the same page made things a little difficult back then.
I've been sitting in this corner booth for so long I think cobwebs are appearing around my head.
Eww. Spiders. I am not afraid of them, but I don't share Grissom's enthusiasm for such creatures. He loves spiders and bugs – all creepy crawlies.
"How much coffee have you had?"
How can such a gentle voice have such a strong effect on me? My insides tingle and I am sure people can see the warm glow emanating from me. I cringe inwardly as I know my sudden wide smile must look so cheesy and make me seem idiotic.
She doesn't seem to notice. She may just be kindly ignoring the wreck I have immediately become though.
Anyway, she's laughing as I explain my 'paranoid display' as she entered was just me looking for spiders. I think it's safer to say no more. Keep quiet and let her just think I could be an idiot, rather than continue my explanation and remove all doubt.
Remaining quiet has benefits. I'd never thought about that much before, I love to talk. But I'm happy to remain quiet and listen to her joyful laughter.
"I should get the name and number of your salon. I really love the new do. It really suits you."
And it does. Her auburn locks are now just below chin level and the slight waves frame her face beautifully.
Her eyes shine and she can't suppress the smirk. I open my mouth and clutch my heart in mock shock and hurt. Then join in her laughter. She may have a point. I do change my hair a lot.
My heart isn't hurt. It actually flutters because she complemented my current style. She likes me just the way I am now.
I know she said as a joke. And it's quite corny. But I can't help my response to those words. I'm grinning like a maniac again.
The conversation is flowing easily, as always. I've told her all about my day at work. Listened intently as she told me about her day. And I intensely wish I could tell that customer, who flirted with her using cheesy jokes that even I would waste breath on, to back off. Jealousy isn't pretty, and it sits uneasily with me as these thoughts come to mind. But I can't help feeling relieved when she dismisses his pathetic attempts.
I knew she had great taste.
I insist on paying for our dinner, and am surprised when she lets me without reminding me that it doesn't mean it's a date. It's only because she expects me to have gotten the message by now.
But I choose to live in hope.
I don't want to say goodbye. But standing at her car I feel it's inevitable. The evening's too good to waste and as I have the weekend off I don't need to be at home resting. So I try to sound as casual as possible and ask what plans she has.
Apparently I didn't succeed. Why can't I control myself around her?
"Gregory Sanders! You just don't give up, do you?"
I swear her smile stops my heart. For that missed beat I can only shake my head.
"Never do."
"Alright then. I'll put my evening in your hands. Lift me in about an hour; I've got to call in to Bella's for a bit first. I'll see ya soon."
As she gets into her car I can't stop myself from pushing my luck a little. I'm ecstatic that she didn't get angry. She knows how I feel, and she wants to spend the evening with me.
"It's a date."
I have to tell myself to breathe. And thank God I'm smiling because I know my jaw just dropped and she returns a smile equally as wide as she pulls off.
She assented! It's a date!
This is the seventh time I've asked her out. The first was a public put down in front of everyone from work – lab techs and CSIs – on our second meeting. The rest were more private as our friendship grew over the last seven months.
It may have been sad. But it paid off. I never wanted to push her too far, but I couldn't give up on a chance of 'us' from the moment I knew I was falling in love with her. So I restricted myself to asking her out once a month.
And she has finally agreed to date me! People are staring. I don't care. I continue to laugh as I get in my car and drive off. I'm going to give her an evening to remember.
My throat tightens and I can hear my heart pounding. I feel like a teenager again. I'm a nervous wreck as I take in every detail of her face, trying to gauge her reaction now I've pulled up outside my flat.
I don't want to give her the wrong impression. I respect her far too much. But I just want to spend this evening alone with her. And I couldn't think of anything more private than a cosy night on the couch watching some movies.
She's just staring up at my door with eyebrows raised. I'm not so cool as I practically beg her to trust me when I open her door and offer her my hand.
She smiles politely. God I wish she'd say something.
I'm fumbling with the lock and really think this was a bad idea. Her touch steadies me and as she steers my hand to turn the key all doubts are removed. Just to be with her. This will be a perfect evening.
The movie has failed to capture my attention, and I'm thankful Kim isn't too enthralled either. So I didn't do well with choosing the movie, but at least it gives us a chance to talk and just enjoy each others company.
My sides ache from laughing so hard. She continues to pout and I pull her close and hug her, still laughing. I shiver as her warm breath hits my neck.
"I just prefer to drive the real thing. Computer games are lame."
Through my laughter I begin to tell her I'm never letting her drive me anywhere but I'm cut off as she pushes me away and I lay down on my back staring up at her through teary eyes. She scoots back and rests against the couch, throwing the game controller out of the way.
She's still pouting and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Well, maybe it's second to watching her get so into the racing game she's rotating the controller like a steering wheel at every corner…No, that's the funniest cute thing I've ever seen. Her pout is just the cutest thing.
She kicks at my legs to stop my latest bout of laughter. But I don't stop laughing, she actually joins in. An eternity could have passed as we stayed there, beside each other on my living room floor, lost in laughter.
Just happy to be with each other.
Too soon I find myself driving back to her place. She complements my manners when I walk her to her door. I cringe as my mouth ruins the moment before my brain kicks into action.
She doesn't laugh at me for saying it was just to put off saying goodnight and ending our first date however. She just blushes. And that warms me from the inside out.
I gently caress her cheek and move closer to her until I feel her breath on my face. I part my lips and move to kiss her but again my mouth has other ideas and the words are out before I know it.
"I love you."
She steps back abruptly and I could kick myself right now. But she's hasn't broken eye contact and I'm madly searching her eyes to see how angry she is.
"Don't fall in love, whatever you do. Isn't that what I told you? Greg, we're friends. This is just meant to be us having fun, a laugh together."
I remember that. That was her put down the fourth time I asked her out. I had been listing off things that could be done on a Wednesday we both had free. She hadn't been too bothered and told me I could do any of those things, whatever I wanted. She thought I was too eager when I said I didn't care so long as she'd just spend the day with me. She had said 'whatever you decide to do, just don't fall in love' and laughed. I played it cool then and said I just didn't want to be on my own, it would be boring with nothing to do. We ended up spending the day in the park with her sister Isabella and nephew Ryan.
"We can do that and be in love. Give me a chance Kim, give us a chance."
I think my heart might just explode its beating so fast. She steps back towards me and her touch to my cheek sends sparks soaring through my body.
"You said you never give up. Don't lose that strength and determination. Just give me time Greg. I'm not great at this. But I care about you, you know that. Just give it time. We'll work it out."
She smiles, says goodnight and slips indoors.
I whisper goodnight and float home. I'll give it time. I've waited this long. We've all the time in the world.
I'm on cloud nine as I slip into bed and close my eyes to see her face.
I bolt upright, the echo of my voice taunting me as I hear her name resound throughout the house. The house is too big for me on my own. I feel so small here. And as is now the norm, I feel very much alone.
Sara appears beside me and I see Grissom following her through the bedroom doorway. Evidently they got first shift on the suicide watch. I shy away from Sara's touch and clutch my cheek, trying to preserve Kimberly's touch. It felt so real only moments ago.
But I know it was only a memory of years ago.
Grissom pulls up a chair and again I'm being pressed to talk. But I just want to sleep again. It's the first time I've longed for sleep, because it's the first time my dreams have seemed so real and I want to be back with her. In my dreams we are together again. 'We've all the time in the world'.
What a fool I was.
What a fool I am.
Her words to me resound loud and clear in my head now… '…never give up. Don't lose that….Just give it time. We'll work it out.'
"I won't give up."
I'm going to be with her again. I will find peace again. I'll float again; walk on air just because I'm with her.
"We won't either Greg. We'll work it out."
Grissom's words hit like a shot to the heart. I force myself to look into his eyes and I feel such a fool.
How could I have thought they would understand that ending my life is the best thing I could do? They don't think it's a good idea because it's not. Kimberly would agree with them.
I won't give up on my life. Kimberly never gave up on living life to the full, right up until the end of hers. How could I disrespect my wife by having such a disregard for life?
But how can I live life when I'm torn apart inside without her to keep me right. She would never have stood for this shit from me.
"Greg, I know you feel lost right now. You're confused and don't know what to do. Let us help. You don't have to work this out on your own. We'll help you find a way to come to terms with your loss and find a way to live on. It's been something we've all had to do."
I look at Sara and see for the first time that I am not the only one who cares, who misses and grieves. Sara mourned the loss of one of her closest friends when Kim died. I see it in her eyes that she still misses her too at times.
"All I've been able to think about for the past few months is how I miss her now she's gone. Before today I couldn't remember the good times we shared, she was gone from me completely. I only knew I'd never experience good times again. In my dream though, I got her back. I could see her, feel her – I relived a wonderful day in our life together. We were starting all over again."
"We'll help you get those lost memories back Greg. We'll help you remember the good times. Then you'll see that there will be more good times to come. Kimberly would want that. So get some more rest. We'll talk more tomorrow. I've signed you up for two weeks vacation. And I have sorted a rota for somebody to be with you each day. We're going to sort this out Greg. We won't have you suffering alone any more."
Grissom pushes me back down on the bed and they leave the room as I've closed my eyes before I can make a reply. I see Kim's face, her eyes bright with a smile to match.
"You said you never give up. Don't lose that strength and determination. Just give me time Greg. I'm not great at this. But I care about you, you know that. Just give it time. We'll work it out."
I won't give up. I'll find a way to change my depressing life around to make her proud. I know it's going to be tough. But the past sixteen months have been hell, so it's worth a try. Things can't get any worse. I can only pray they get better.
With my guardian angel before my eyes, I allow sleep to claim me again.
TBC?
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