I climbed the door
I opened the stairs
I said my pyjamas
I put on my prayers
I turned out the bed
I got into the light
And all because
You kissed me that night
I won't give up.
The breakfast cereal is pushed towards me and Catherine sets to work cleaning the house while I'm meant to eat. I'm not hungry though. This heavy feeling in the pit in my stomach is not hunger. I'm not exactly sure what it is.
It's like worry.
It's like fear.
It's an emptiness food can not fill.
Last night I made a promise that I don't know if I can keep, and it's sitting uneasily with me.
I could see Kim before me as I fell asleep last night and I spoke to her. It's the first time I've spoken to her since the day of her funeral. She hadn't been around for me to talk to since then, so obviously I hadn't….I don't know if it's insane or not. At this stage I'm really too far gone to care.
I'm probably definitely insane.
I made her a promise to remember all the good times, like my friends suggested. I promised I'd never forget her like that again. I promised I wouldn't just focus on the loneliness I feel without her, but I'd think of her and our time together. And I promised I wouldn't throw away my career that we'd worked so hard for – it's our career after all the support she gave to me – by continuing on in this dejected lifestyle where all I do is feel bitterness for how life worked out. We were building a life together and we had such grand plans for each other and our life together, so I promised I'd make every effort to live life the way we wanted – the way she'd want for me.
I think it would have been easier if I actually promised her the moon, or our star. I know my friends will help me to get a new perspective on my grief, help me remember her for who she was to me and not just miss her for how she's no longer here with me. Maybe that will help me go on. But I just don't know if I have the courage to go on and live – dare I say 'happily' – without her.
I think that's why I put away all the photographs and every thing that reminded me of her. I would be doing an everyday task when I would see her picture, or one of the books she loved, or a CD she would always listen to, and a million and one memories, thoughts, wishes and dreams about her would hit me there and then. I literally collapsed to the floor in tears at least three times a day. Guilt-ridden because for a moment, while I was doing that everyday task, I hadn't been thinking of her.
I couldn't bear the thought that I had been living without her. That was about six months after her death. Since then I began to stop remembering our times together. I stopped dreaming. I just thought of how life couldn't go on without her.
So living the kind of life she wanted for us – full of happiness and love – is a dream out of reach. It's a promise I can't keep. I don't think I can manage to live and appreciate being alive while I remember her and miss her. I definitely can't live and appreciate being alive while forgetting all about her. I never want to forget about her. I doubt there's a happy medium.
"Try and eat something Greg."
Too late. I've chucked it away. Her concerned sigh and slight frown tells me I've been a naughty boy. It's clear Catherine's mothering instincts are kicking in. Will I have to stand in the naughty corner? Get a lecture about how mother knows best, and I should eat when she tells me? Both?
"What is it?"
Her eyebrows are arched. She's expecting an answer but I don't understand the question. She glances out into the hallway.
Oops. I was staring at the corner by the front door, where the coat stand used to be. A wedding gift. From a relative of hers. It was put away.
I don't think Catherine would like my suggestion that there would make as good a naughty corner as any. From there you could hear activity from all the rooms on the bottom floor. It would definitely add to the punishment when you could hear what you were missing out on.
Since when did I become such a tough disciplinarian? Kim always said I would spoil our children and she'd be the baddie that would try to force some rules. I had assured her that when the time came we'd compromise and support each other. It had been one of my more sensible moments. Though I had then added that if that didn't work she would just have to lighten up and join me and the kids.
I wouldn't have let our children run amuck and go completely off the rails. So maybe the 'disciplinarian Greg' shouldn't be such a surprise. But I've never allowed myself to think about what kind of father I'd be, or what kind of mother Kim would have been. Or what our child would have been like.
I know everything would have been great though. But that was all taken away.
I'm being pulled into a tight hug before I realise I'm crying. I've been doing too much of this in the last twenty-four hours. This is why I hid the memories.
"Tell me. What were you thinking about?"
I can only shake my head as sobs continue to wreck my body and I fall into the living room couch rather than take a seat. Catherine sits beside me and tightens her grip on my hand.
"Whatever it is, you can tell me. You can't let it eat you up inside. Share what you're feeling and thinking with me, and I'll do my best to help."
If only it were that easy. She can't help. I can't tell her. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to remember about it. I never had time to think about it before; I am not going to now. So I shake my head some more, hoping she gets the message and hoping I can shake the problem away.
I don't know how long has passed. But I'm waking up on the couch and Catherine is no longer here. An all-too-bright smile and all-too-kind Texan greets me instead.
Catherine had to get home to Lindsey. So I've been out for some time if schools over already.
Before I've even straightened up properly Nick is plopped down beside me.
"Cath said you haven't been talking. Now I don't know what Griss told you, but my job here is to listen. So you better be in the mood for talking buddy."
I can't help but smile at his approach. That kinda makes me resent him though. I don't want to smile.
"I'm not in the mood, sorry. I…"
His groan stops me.
"This isn't something the old 'I've a headache' excuse is going to work for. I want us to both have headaches by the end, because you are going to have talked that much."
I smile again as he laughs. Dammit! I hate that he can always make me laugh or at least smile. I'm always relaxed and happy in his company, and I don't want that right now.
"G, do you remember when I was staying with you? For those first few nights I didn't want to be lying in bed alone in the dark, 'cause it was like being there again. Do you remember when we sat up in the pathetic excuse of a living room in your old apartment, just talking and joking, playing games or whatever? You were there for me, helping me when I needed company, to know I'm alive and not trapped in a box. And talking did help me. Let me try to do the same for you man."
The threat of tears in his eyes nearly sends me off again. I furiously blink back the tears and try to tell him I appreciate him being here, but today I can't take more crying. Incredibly he can understand my mumbling, when I couldn't even hear the words passing my lips. I thought only Kim had that gift.
"Let the tears fall if you need to. There's just me and you here now, and if I am able to put up with living with you – that is putting up with all you eccentric habits – I can put up with your tears. So just talk. About anything. I'm here for you."
I can't just think of something to talk about. I know he wants me to talk about Kim, but I've suppressed memories of her so well I can't think of a time we shared to talk about right now. He's waiting patiently though, giving me time. He'll just be there when I'm ready to talk about whatever. That's Nick.
I never cease to be amazed by the extent of Nick's compassion. His kindness knows no limits. A better friend you'll never find. Kimberly was charmed by him, smitten almost after spending one afternoon with him at my old apartment. She said he was such a lovely guy, and since then they were great friends. Really close, like brother and sister. Nick even gave her away at our wedding.
How could I have forgotten? How could I have thought Nick would have dismissed her because he wanted me to 'live on'? She really meant a lot to him. I even got a big brother speech from him before the wedding, at the stag do for God's sake.
"I've really been a selfish bastard. I'm sorry for ever doubting you guys grieved too."
Nick smiles ruefully as he hushes me and really throws my apology off. I'm meant to be sorry here, not him.
"Greg. That's not what I want to hear. Because that's irrelevant at this point in time. We know you've been so caught up in your heartache that you thought we must be heartless and not care about her. But that was because she was your wife, and as someone closer to her we knew you'd feel worse and we never thought we could intrude on your bereavement. We mourned together as her friends though. Everyone who is going to be spending the next couple of weeks with you have been through what we're here to help you through. We should have helped you sooner. But we mourned the loss of a friend selfishly, and only now are we rallying round to support a friend who mourned a greater loss. No one handled this well. It was such a shock, we didn't know what else to do. But we're here to make amends. So forget about that. You were entitled to go through those emotions and have those thoughts."
I'm hugging Nick before I know it. My mind is seriously working too slow, and is getting worse. I'm out of control. I've been acting rashly too much lately too. Acting rash without a notion of what I'm doing, and crying constantly - it's not a good state to be in.
At least Nick doesn't mind. He's smiling a full blown 'Stokes Smile'. It's a smile that nearly engulfs his whole face. Kim referred to that wide smile as the 'Stokes Smile'. It was always good to see the 'Stokes Smile'.
Nick's nodding and laughing at that. He remembers her favourite smiles were the 'Stokes Smile', 'Warrick Smirk' and 'Greggo Grin'. She said that they were the most beautiful smiles that always made her smile too because times were always blissful when those smiles were present.
"I'll never forget the day that our smiles were christened. She had come over early, straight after work, so you and Warrick were still there."
"What d'ya mean, still there – saying it like you didn't want us there."
"Funny. I mean that was the day of our first really official date, after we'd decided to give a relationship a go. She wasn't meant to be coming over to later, when you guys would have been gone.
Anyway, when we did get rid of the two of you, we'd been having a great time. She said hanging out with 'the guys' had really cheered her up after a crappy day and she said the day had been saved by the super smiles. That's what they are known as collectively."
The laughter that fills the room is a startling sound. I haven't laughed in so long, but my chuckles are heard along with Nick's hearty laugh.
"Well go on. What about this first official date. We set the mood good and proper, so how'd it go?"
"Utterly amazing. Need I say more?
We stayed at my place for a while. Continuing to enjoy the comfortable atmosphere you so kindly created."
"You're welcome."
"Yeah, thanks. Well dinner was at seven that evening. I took her to a fancy little restaurant. She looked absolutely delicious in a figure hugging purple number. I think the food was tasty as well. But she put it to shame really.
We had been planning on going out to a club after. But we weren't in the mood for dancing after the meal. Don't look at me like that! I mean we were too tired, after all the fun and games with you guys. So I just took her back to mine. Stop looking at me like that! What kinda guy do you think I am…don't answer…never mind. Look the woman married me; clearly she thought I was respectable.
Back at my place we just shared a bottle of wine and chatted. It was lovely though. We talked just as before, when we were just friends and it was uncomplicated. It was just so comfortable. It was near midnight when I called for a taxi to take her home. And when it arrived and tooted its horn I walked her down to the car park. See, I was the perfect gentleman."
Our first date had been fantastic. I had known that she was still hesitant. She had told me it would take time. I was happy to take it slow. Just so long as we were taking it somewhere I was content. The whole day had been as relaxed as any other. It was just as comfortable as when we hung out as friends, there was no tension in the atmosphere because it was going into new territory. We did the same things. Hanging out with the guys and sitting chatting. The only things different was the dinner in a fancy restaurant rather than the diner, and the kiss.
Oh, the kiss was bliss.
"What are you grinning like an idiot about now? Perfect gentleman? There's something you're not telling me. Spill."
I'm sure I'm blushing like a complete idiot now too. But what the hell, why not tell him? This is what they want. Me to talk about my relationship with Kim. Maybe telling them things like this too will help them see why good times just won't be a part of my future.
"If you must know, I was remembering our first kiss. Don't hold back on my account – laugh and tease me all you want. It's a wonderful memory I'm not ashamed to think about."
But he doesn't laugh or tease. I know he's sincere when he agrees it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm just surprised he's willing to be this open and expose an even more sensitive side by listening to me talk about the first kiss, such a tender moment.
I'm surprised I'm willing to be this open and expose the sentimental, gushy, romantic side of me that found that kiss so dreamy. But my mouth is engaging in action again before I can chicken out. Damn mind still too slow.
"I had walked her down to the car park. We'd stopped at the bottom of the steps and were saying goodnight. I had been expecting that moment to be more awkward, but it was just perfect. Maybe because I didn't speak this time. She spoke. She thanked me for a wonderful time. Before I could even tell her it was my pleasure she was moving in closer to me and the look in her eyes told me clearly, in the nicest possible way, to just keep quiet.
I remember just staring into those blue eyes of hers as her lips brushed mine. I could feel her fingers running through my hair as her eyes fluttered closed and the kiss deepened. That brief moment – that breathtaking brief moment – of just having her kiss me was just… words can't describe what it felt like or what it means to me.
The kiss intensified as I closed my eyes and returned it with such passion. She pulled back after a couple of minutes and we just stood there smiling at each other, slowly coming back to earth 'cause that kiss was heavenly. We barely managed to utter a goodnight to each other, we didn't want to end the moment. But the taxi was waiting so I waved her off and went back inside in a state of euphoria.
I'm actually surprised I made to my bed in one piece. I was so high from the kiss I was tripping over myself and I actually walked into the wall on my first attempt to go through the bedroom door. But I felt no pain. I did it all with a smile, I was deliriously elated."
I know I'm beaming at the memory. I should maybe feel embarrassed at having just shared that with Nick. But he's not uncomfortable. He's touched I think. At least I hope. It would just be terrible if those silent tears are from held-in laughter. But no. That's not Nick. His eyes and slight smile tell me more than the words he cannot find the composure to share.
His reaches over and squeezes my shoulder.
"Greg, I know that was just the beginning of your relationship. So there's a thousand more magnificent moments like that. And it's helping, the sharing, right? So don't feel self-conscious. Share those moments. I'll listen."
"I know you will. But it's hard to get started sometimes. I'm thankful though, even if I'm being a jackass at times and giving you guys a hard time. It's just part of my character."
"Yeah, and we love you in spite of it!"
"Kim did too. You know not all moments were great. We had a bumpy ride at the start. It was only days later we had our first major argument. And it wasn't the last. The making up was always good though."
"Yeah, well let's keep it real. It wasn't always rosy, so we'll not just recall the good times. Tell me about that first argument."
"You just want to gloat about how Kim was right, I was wrong and you saw that and helped us sort it out when we argued just before New Years. Well I hate to break it to you, but that was our second argument. The first one was only days before…so when I say days later from that first kiss, I mean two days later."
TBC
Thanks for the reviews. I'm maybe quite sad, but I love to see that I've got a review! I do appreciate all feedback, because I do want to write a good story and I know I have plenty of room for improvement. It's still nice to know my efforts are liked though. So thanks!
Movielover03 – You will find out how Kim died in future chapters. My intention with this is to give detailed accounts of moments in their life together in chronological order, through dreams or accounts from Greg (as in these last chapters) and possibly accounts from other characters. Although as it's told in a present perspective Greg's current thoughts may give clues to details of the story that could come up at any time. The fun I have is that in his grief-stricken state his thoughts are often random and so some things he talks about may be significant, others may not be. I just hope it's not hard to follow as a result.
LocoGreggo – Yep, poor Greg. I know I've messed him up pretty badly. LOL.
Sanders Fan – I'm glad you're interested in my story. I hope I have a good way with words. I try anyway. I often find words get away from me, but now we're making amends in our relationship. ;)
CSICubsFan – As I've said, you'll find out how Kim died in future chapters. I like the team altogether myself (still not appreciating the shift spilt fiasco – but I'll let bygones be bygones so long as Grissom gets his boys back). I'll even be including some of the techs in upcoming chapters. I've only briefly mentioned Hodges, but he along with others make more appearances. I like how friends can rally round to help, and Greg's the type of guy who I'd imagine would have many friends (at least I'd be his friend…LOL).
Liz – I'm glad you think the story is good. I like the quotes, obviously or I wouldn't use them, but I do love the little rhymes myself. Especially the one for this chapter. It's one of my favs. I hope you enjoy. :)
And if you liked this chapter, or didn't, you know what to do. Review!
