You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. Beverly Sills
So when I say days later from that first kiss, I mean two days later.
"Though perhaps the argument was beginning to build up from the very next afternoon. That doesn't sound too good when you think about it, does it? Just goes to show how tempestuous our relationship was. But I wouldn't have changed a thing. It is fitting really, seeing as we had so little time in the end. So everything had to happen so promptly. We always just went from one thing to the next, quite relentlessly.
Anyway, I think I must have come on too strong, even though she had made it crystal clear she wanted to take things slow. I mean I didn't mean to seem pushy or insensitive to her feelings. But after that kiss, which was like – bam! So intense – I felt like we'd really connected. I thought she felt as strongly as I did then. But she still needed more time.
That's OK to say now. It seems completely reasonable. But that afternoon when I went over to her apartment I wasn't thinking so clearly. I was still on a high, and my excitement was really annoying her. I annoyed her to the extent she cancelled our plans for that evening, her reason being she'd been working so hard she just wanted some rest. So she practically threw me out. Not literally though. I marched out when she said she wanted me to go.
I was so annoyed with myself and with her that I didn't call her for the rest of that day. Then the next day I worked a double so I didn't get a chance to call her, and was too tired to return her calls when I eventually got home. So that was the build up to the argument in a way. Still, I called her the next morning, two days after that kiss. But not calling hadn't gone down well and she was irate. She called me childish and all sorts for sulking because she had been tired, but would she listen when I tried to explain that my work had left me tired and that was why I hadn't talked to her the day before? Of course not! So the silly little spat ended with us both slamming the phones down.
I can't remember all that I did for the rest of the day; I just paced about the place. Eventually when I got hungry I realised that there was nothing in my cupboards to eat, since the plan had been to eat at hers that day, so in the end I went out to eat.
I can't even remember the name of the place I went to. It was just some random café off strip. I remember the cream coloured table cloths, and the red roses adorning each table top though. The dimmed lighting completed the romantic atmosphere, and as I entered I thought of how lovely it would have been to take Kim there. Then I thought my eyes were deceiving me as I saw her sitting at one of the tables. I wanted to dismiss it as a figment of my imagination, my mind playing tricks because I had just been thinking of her.
But when she looked over the man's shoulder and saw me, the look of shock in her eyes hit me hard and removed all doubt that I was imagining things. I was enraged as I stormed straight back out of there, thinking she had blown me off for some other guy. I ignored my ringing mobile and just set to work drowning my sorrows.
That didn't go down too well with Grissom as I arrived at work the next day with an almighty hang over. Luckily it was a slow day for crime and I was able to stay at the lab and do paper work for the first few hours, until I'd had enough coffee to feel slightly human again and was able to help out in the DNA lab.
I was in there when Sara got back from her case. I didn't realise Kim and Sara had become best friends so quickly. But they had really hit it off seven months previously when I first asked Kim out. I guess they had that in common –the experience of my constant flirting and borderline harassment looking for a date. Don't laugh; you're supposed to say I was never that bad!
Anyway, they actually had a lot in common and were really close. So of course I was in for an ear bashing for not returning Kim's calls. I feel so horrible as I remember how cruelly self-satisfied I felt when I was able to cut Sara off, telling her that her new best friend was a cheating two-timer. I feel awful having thought so poorly of Kim. But that's how it was at the time.
Sara didn't know what to believe. I was her friend and she wasn't happy that anyone would treat me like that. In the same regards, Kim was her friend and she didn't think this was something Kim would do. I could see then she was really torn, and now I am sorry to have put her through that. But when it was happening I was glad, in a sick and twisted way, that I wasn't the only one tormented by it all.
As you'd expect, Sidle got straight to work and set about investigating the matter. I just stared at her as she backed out of the lab, already ringing Kim. I was glad she went into the break room to talk to her; I didn't want to be around to hear any details of why this other guy was preferable to me. Shift was almost over and I couldn't wait to escape.
Stop laughing Nick. I know it's stupid to even think I could get away from Sar. When that woman's on a mission there's no stopping her. But I was just looking forward to getting home, and I thought she'd not want to have to get further involved. I'd almost made it man! I was right at my car when she collared me.
She just told me to go and talk to Kim. That was it. Nothing else was said before she was gone. That was worse than receiving a telling off and even worse than pitying consolation. I would have preferred to know where she stood – if she thought I was to blame, or if she knew Kim was stringing me along while seeing someone else. Instead I was driving home, confused as hell, wondering why she had just said I must talk to Kim about it.
Obviously that would have been the sensible thing to do, to get the mess cleared up straight away. But hindsight makes it seem obvious. When it happened I was so indignant I was not going to make the first move and call her, it seemed like a weak and stupid thing to do then. So I didn't talk to her.
It was only a couple of days later, on Christmas Eve would you believe, that there came a knock on my door and what a funny sight it was to behold when I opened the door and saw Sara and Kim standing there.
'Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas to the both of you imbeciles. Get this sorted so we can all enjoy some Christmas cheer this year. I'm going in to work, as not everyone can have every day of the holiday season off. So I shall see you tomorrow for Christmas dinner Kimmy, maybe you too Greg. Here's hoping.'
And with that Sara was off! Can you believe it? She's as mad as a hatter at times. I have to admit I'd never expected anything like that from her. But when it came to her friendship with Kim, or 'Kimmy', she was so different - in a good way, so long as I didn't put a toe out of line. It was great to see really. It made our friendship better too. She lightened up so much around us. You know how it's always good to see Sara smile."
As Nick is laughing heartily at the image of Santa Sidle I can't help but feel a pang of guilt. It is so good to see Sara smile, but all that I've been doing lately is making her cry. I drag everyone down.
"So, what did… you do then…with the present upon…your doorstep."
I'm trying to glower at Nick to make him stop laughing, but it's having the reverse affect and in the end I can't help but smile at the memory myself. In between his bursts of laughter he struggles to tell me to continue.
"Kim was standing there silent as we both watched Sara walk away. I muttered a weak 'ho ho ho' as I stepped back and let her inside. I hadn't even closed the door and I could hear her whimpering. She went to leave again, saying she was sorry but she couldn't do this – she'd never meant to hurt me but she had said before she wasn't good at letting people close…
I slammed the door before she reached it, stopping her excuses and keeping her in. I hadn't meant to slam it, just close it, but when it did close with a bang I just let it all out. I turned her round to face me and was practically spitting the words out as I asked her what the hell she meant, what was she sorry for, why couldn't she let me close, didn't she know she was hurting me by just walking away and leaving all these questions unanswered.
Then we were both crying and holding on to each other. It just happened so fast. Despite my anger I was holding her so close and not wanting to ever let go. And it just felt so right, us being there together, so we just stayed like that for a long time. The intensity of it all was shifting its effect from tears to passionate kisses.
Eventually we stopped, breathless, and I told her we really needed to talk. So we sat down on the couch, still keeping our arms wrapped round each other. And she explained that she had been at the restaurant with her brother, whom she hadn't seen in years, and it was just a bad coincidence he had shown up on that day because as usual he only caused trouble.
That was when she truly opened up to me for the first time. She told me all about her family and their rocky relationship. I hadn't known Isabella was the only family member Kim got along with, but since then it's become clear they are the only two who had their heads screwed on. It's no wonder they came to Las Vegas to start a new life away from their family.
You know from their absence at the wedding that she broke all ties with her family apart from Isabella shortly after New Year's. She considered her friends here her family, our family.
Anyhow, that morning was the first time I got to know anything about her background. And needless to say, some of it wasn't pretty. So I understood clearly then why she was so reluctant to get involved in a relationship. She was afraid of being hurt again, let down by someone she loved.
I assured her she could trust me and that I'd never abuse her trust or let her down in any way. I admired her strength to overcome all her past troubles and become the strong independent woman that was in my arms. But she didn't have to go through life alone. I'd be there for her. I told her I couldn't make promises about life always being easy from then on. There would be tough times, but we'd help each other through them. I did promise that I would always love her and would do all I could for her."
I just wish she was here with me now. I need her to help me through this. Tears are falling from my eyes again. I can't seem to fill this emptiness with the memory of our love. It's not enough to keep me going.
Nick's hand squeezes my shoulder again, and I know he wants me to keep trying.
"I know she never looked back from then on G. She never spoke of her family to any of us, save maybe Sara. She mentioned them to me only to say they wouldn't be at the wedding and she wanted me to give her away. By then I knew her well enough not to pry, and was just delighted about being given that honour. And I knew her well enough to know she loved you so much that you were her family, her life. You and everyone at the lab were her family. It's like that for so many of us Greg. You're part of our family. And Kim too. She'll always be remembered as a lost sister, whom we loved very much.
So go on."
"I know.
I got the best Christmas present ever then. She explained how Sara was fed up with her moping about the situation, because when I wouldn't answer or return her calls she was really upset that she had screwed things up. She said she'd really missed me. She had told Sara all this and that's why she'd eventually be dragged to my door.
Apparently as Sara had been her confidant for several months, she'd come to know all about her history and her apprehension of getting so heavily involved with me so quickly. Evidently though, Sara had given her great advice. She'd told her that there were no sure things in life, it could go any way. Sara doubted I'd intentionally hurt Kim, but she couldn't assure her we would last forever. No-one could tell how it would work out.
On hearing this I had to agree we didn't know what would happen. But I was so sure of my feelings and their strength and depth that I knew I'd love her forever. I would never let her down like others in the past. I remember her reassured laugh, as Sara had known I'd say that and told her so.
Sara had also told her that despite the chance of it all going pear-shaped, the risk was worth it. If she didn't give the relationship a try she'd only regret it. It wouldn't be all doom and gloom, she was sure. And Kim had acknowledged there was truth in that. We couldn't be sure how it would end, but we'd have good times so long as we gave it a try.
So, she said she wasn't going to let this slip by. She was ready to take our relationship seriously and admit how she felt without fear. She trusted me; she always had, but had just been afraid to trust herself because it was all so fast. Then she told me for the first time, but not the last, that she loved me."
Kim loved me. Hearing her say 'I love you' was the best sound in the world, and the feeling inside that accompanied it was unlike any other, it was pure joy and passion, an ecstasy that thrilled me to seventh heaven.
There is nothing I wouldn't give to hear her say those words again, to feel that way again.
It was true that from then on we didn't look back. Things continued to go quite fast, but that's how we had come to like it. We'd given ourselves completely to each other that Christmas Eve, completely committed ourselves to our love. And we were willing and able to face anything that came our way, because we were doing it together.
It just never occurred to me we'd ever have to face life alone again at some point. Maybe if it was later in life, I'd be more prepared, more accepting. But I doubt that.
We'd always found a way to deal with things together. I'd become accustomed to that. Now, I can't imagine I'm going to be able to find a way to deal without her by my side.
"Well, that makes the argument over which was the better version of 'Tainted Love' at the New Year's party seem tame alright…but then what doesn't eh?"
Nick's gentle laughter and warm smile are trying to comfort me, but the knowing look in Nick's eyes shows he knows that it's not that easy. I'm sure I'm making progress though. He doesn't seem so uncomfortable around me.
As the yawn quakes my body, I notice the extent of the darkening sky through the window and apologise for keeping Nick so late. It's a futile exercise though. He's shushing me again before I've finished and won't be hearing any of it.
It's not so late apparently. I guess he was prepared for the long haul. He gets up to prepare us a bite to eat before we go to sleep. He'll be staying until he has to go to work tomorrow. I wonder who'll be my therapist then. I wonder what I'll be able to share with them.
Kim loved everyone at the lab. If only she could see what they were doing now for me, for her. They were giving me the support that she would normally give. I have a feeling she'd be so pleased.
TBC
I know this chapter took a long time in coming, I thought I'd never get a chance to finish it. But the next will be an even longer wait. I hope people are still enjoying the story and will continue to read it when I resume posting. Though with a heavy schedule of exams for the next few weeks to finally finish them off, and then (what I feel is) a well deserved holiday, I won't be updating probably until next month.
Anyway, I'll still be around some evenings to read other fics and reviews so don't hesitate to leave one! ;) I'm shameless. LOL.
Liz – I hope you consider this chapter up to standard. Thanks for the review. I do hope the emotional aspect isn't getting too monotonous, as I'm trying to set up how he's feeling at the moment before hopefully working in some twists to keep things interesting.
