Disclaimer: I do not own LOST

Author's Note: I am so sorry that this update has taken so long. Along with graduation there were some other unforeseen family matters that have taken up a lot of my time over the past month. But life has settled down again and I'm back to writing.

I wanted to finish this before the season finale but since we really did not get many answers I think this can still work. Everything is the same up until Deux Ex Machina. So for the sake of this fic let's just pretend that everything after that never happened.

Thank you so much for all the reviews. I hope you guys are still reading.

This chapter is a bit uneventful but it does explain a lot about Kate and Jack's relationship. Enjoy!

Chapter Fifteen: A Deeper Understanding

Kate closed her eyes and felt the water rush over her feet, sinking her further into the sand. She imagined that the island was slowly trying to swallow her whole, sucking her unnoticed through the sand and out of sight. Trying to relax her body, she pictured herself moving through oblivion, through time and space, letting everything fall away. In a flash she saw her life. Her mom and dad. Their funeral. The Marshall. His grave and lifeless body. Sawyer. His laughing, yet hard eyes. The way his hair swept over his forehead. His dimples. The sex. The birth of their son. The funeral. Another little boy who looked even more like his father. Their laughter. Their tears. The time James fell out of a tree and broke his leg. Hunter's tears at a bad dream.

Everything flew through her mind and then careened to a stop as she pictured James walking away from her in anger the day before. That image played over and over again in her mind. Everything else falling away. There was just James, walking away… walking away… walking away…

And then there was Jack.

No. Jack was real. Jack was here. Standing next to her, looking on in concern.

"Kate?"

She turned and looked at him with a half smile on her face, "Jack?"

He smiled at her and looked down at her feet.

"Sinking?"

She nodded, "Yeah, it's a slow process."

He gave her a half smile and cocked his head to the side.

"You want to take a walk?"

She nodded and let out a breath, letting her hand slide into his.

They walked hand in hand down the beach a little ways. Jack peered to the side every once in a while to glance at her face. When he saw a tear trickle out of the corner of her eye he stopped and she looked up at him, quickly trying to brush the tear from her eyes.

"James is going to be okay."

She nodded. "I know that. I do. I feel it." She looked around, "He's somewhere on this island. I would know if something was wrong. But until he's back here with me… I can't…"

Jack nodded and wordlessly pulled her into his arms. She relaxed into his embrace and rested her head against his chest. She could feel his chin rest on the top of her head, his hand running through her hair. Kate marveled at the way his presence made her feel safe. The way his smile calmed her, the way his body felt pressed against hers. She smiled against him as she remembered how thankful she was for her first friend on the island.

The walk to the caves was long and with each step Kate could feel the dread creeping through her body.

It had been two days since Walt had stumbled upon her and Sawyer in the jungle. They hadn't been doing anything particularly inappropriate for the young boy to see and they had jumped apart quickly. But by the time they made their way back to the beach it was apparent by the smirks on several faces that the news had already gotten around. Sawyer just scowled and made his way back to his shelter. Kate looked around and bit her lip wondering if there was anyone who hadn't heard about her activities with Sawyer in the jungle.

She froze when she saw Jack talking to Hurley at the edge of the water. He looked toward her and smiled. There was a momentary relief as she thought that maybe Jack hadn't heard yet. She took a deep breath and started walking towards the two men.

"Hey guys. What are you plotting now?" She smiled broadly, maybe a bit too broadly and Hurley glanced awkwardly from Kate to Jack.

"Uh, nothing. Listen I've got to go talk to uh, Sayid."

Hurley darted away, "Hey Sayid, wait up!"

Jack looked down, "Did you need something Kate?"

She bit her lip, "I wanted to talk to you for a minute."

Jack shook his head, "Listen, I've got to go check on Shannon. Is this important?"

Kate looked up at his and caught the look in his eyes.

He knew.

Her shoulders sagged slightly and she shook her head.

Jack had nodded and walked away without another word. Kate couldn't watch him as he walked down the beach.

And now. Two days later she was finally making the trek to the caves. She had avoided words and eye contact for two days. She couldn't avoid it anymore.

Her fists tightened as she stepped into the shade of the caves. She walked by Claire and Charlie who were making cooing noises at Adam. Jack was leaning against the side of the cave speaking in hushed tones to Sun. When they saw Kate they stopped talking and Jack's jaw line clenched. Sun nodded to Jack and walked past Kate with a hint of a smile on her face.

Kate took a step closer to Jack and cocked her head to the side, "You've been avoiding me."

Jack snorted, "I've been avoiding you?" He tried to walk away but Kate stopped him with a hand on his chest, "Okay. I've been avoiding you. But I have a good reason."

He tried to avoid her eyes but Jack couldn't help letting his gaze catch hers. Her eyes spoke to him plaintively but she didn't speak.

Jack nodded and removed her hand from his chest, "You don't have to say anything Kate."

Kate shook her head, "You're mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you? You didn't do anything wrong." Jack started to walk away and then turned quickly on his heels. He put his hands to his hips and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"I just… I have to know…"

She moved towards him as he looked up.

"Why him? Of all the men on this island. Why him?"

Kate's heart ached at the wrenched look on Jack's face. She couldn't do anything but shrug.

"I don't know. I don't…I guess Sawyer had it right. We understand each other. We're both hiding things. Hiding from things."

"We're all hiding things Kate."

"I know. But Sawyer and I, we hide in the same way."

"I could try to understand."

"I know you could. But you never would. I could tell you everything about my past. And you could never really understand. Just like I could never fully understand you."

Jack closed his eyes and let out a small laugh. He swallowed and Kate could tell that he had come to a kind of decision.

"He makes you happy?"

Now it was Kate's turn to think. Her mind flashed to the way she had slapped Sawyer a few days earlier, the way he made her blood boil in frustration, the way he wouldn't let any issue just rest.

She nodded, "He makes me feel like I'm not alone."

Jack opened his mouth to say something until he realized what she meant. He nodded and gave her a smile.

"Well then I'm happy for you."

"I wish I didn't have to go through this alone."

Jack snorted, "You know Sawyer would have gone straight into those woods the minute he heard they were missing. Probably would have shot me in the process."

Kate laughed and pulled away from Jack, wiping her cheeks. Jack smiled and ran his thumb under her eye to catch any other tears.

"He would have gotten himself killed."

"You were about to do the same."

Kate nodded, "I told you we thought alike."

Jack looked away, " Sawyer probably would also have killed Locke by now."

" Jack?"

"Hmmm?" He looked back down at her.

"I don't understand any of this."

"I don't either."

Kate eased herself down to the sand and sat cross legged facing the water, "It brings up every question that we've had for the past twenty years. Why are we here? Why have we never been rescued? What's that thing in the jungle that no one has ever seen?"

"And now the numbers."

Kate dropped her head to her hands. "I hate those numbers."

"You blame a bunch of numbers for us being here?"

"It's not just the island. Those numbers have never represented anything good about my life. My older brother fell out of a tree and broke his neck when I was four. Which pretty much caused my father to spiral into alcoholism and abuse of his wife and daughter until I was fifteen. When he and my mom were killed in a car accident. I committed my first crime at sixteen. The reward for my capture was twenty three thousand dollars. And so on…"

Jack's eyebrows went up, "Okay, all bad numbers. But you didn't necessarily use them."

"They're all important though. We were on flight 815 which left from terminal 23. 42, the number of people left on this island after two years. 16…."

Jack held his hand up, "Okay, I got it. They're important. I'm still not going to blame a bunch of numbers for all my problems."

Kate glanced sideways at him, "You've got to admit that's its odd though."

"Yeah, it is. And on this island, I'm not going to dismiss anything."

They sat silently, each trying to come up with different meanings for the numbers.

Suddenly Kate laughed. Jack watched her curiously.

"4… it was four months after Sawyer died that you kissed me."

Jack smiled, "I already thought of that one. But just to set the record straight, you kissed me."

"I'm not sleepy."

"I think you're sleepier than you realize."

"I want to go out and play with Adam some more."

"Adam's mommy and daddy are putting him to bed too. Now, come on. Close your eyes."

James grumbled to himself but finally closed his eyes. He let out a small breath and muttered something incoherent. Jack waited a few more minutes knowing that the young boy would fall right to sleep. When he saw the steady rise and fall of his chest he leaned forward and brushed a kiss of James' forehead.

He stood up and stretched his back, bending his head slightly as he walked through the doorway of Kate's hut. He scanned the beach and saw her standing with her bare feet in the water. She stared out towards the darkness and absentmindedly ran her hand over her ever growing stomach.

Jack headed toward her. He didn't say anything when he reached her, just took his place at her side and crossed his arms over his chest.

Kate closed her eyes and smiled slightly, "He asleep?"

Jack nodded, "Yeah, it was a fight but he's asleep."

Kate turned her head to look back at the camp.

"I hope he doesn't have another nightmare tonight."

"It would make it three nights in a row."

Kate shook her head, "I don't know what to do. He wakes up and all he wants is Sawyer."

"He's trying to get over a loss Kate. Sometimes kids don't understand something like death."

Kate shrugged, "Sometimes adults don't understand it either."

Jack looked over at her at her and nodded slightly, an image of his own father drifting into his mind. He let his eyes glide down to her stomach.

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay. A little queasy. Pretty much the same as last time. A bit more anxious though."

"Why's that?"

It was a moment before she answered. When she did Jack could hear the strain in her voice. "I have to do it alone this time… With James, Sawyer was so great. He would spend hours trying to calm him when he cried. What if I can't do it by myself?"

Jack turned to face her and placed his hand on her shoulder. "Kate, you're not going to have to do anything by yourself. You've got a lot of people here who are going to be helping you out. I think Claire can tell you that there's no such thing on this island as a single parent. We help each other Kate. This kid is going to know a lot of love. And he's going to know that his father would have loved him too."

Kate didn't say anything and for a moment Jack thought that he had said something wrong. Then suddenly in an uncharacteristic moment of affection Kate turned and threw her arms around Jack's neck. She pulled him close and buried her face in his neck.

"Thank you." She whispered.

Jack swallowed and encircled his arms around her. He closed his eyes.

"It's true Kate."

Without pulling away she shook her head, "No. I mean for everything." She pulled away slightly and looked Jack straight in the eyes. "You're the first friend I had here. You were the first person I knew I could trust. And now you've taken my children under your wings. So thank you."

Looking into her eyes Jack could feel himself starting to get lost. Five years and two pregnancies later Kate's eyes had developed a softness. She laughed easier and smiled quicker. And right now she was smiling up at him and he unconsciously pulled her closer.

Suddenly the smile drifted off her face and her eyes became serious. She bit her lip and swallowed, looking hard into Jack's eyes. She could see the want, the desire, the way he licked his lips in anticipation.

And then she was moving closer, tilting her head up and Jack was moving to meet her.

Their lips met and Kate let out a small moan. She ran her hands up to his hair and felt the way he ran his hands over her back.

The kiss became more desperate, needy, full of pent of frustration.

And then an image popped into Kate's head and suddenly she couldn't breathe. She cried out in pain and pushed against Jack as hard as she could.

Jack stumbled back and looked at her in confusion.

Kate stood there trembling, trying to catch her breath. Trying to get that image out of her head. But she couldn't. And she knew she never would.

Without warning she began to sob, dropping to her knees in the sand.

"Oh God Sawyer. Why did you have to leave?"

She continued to cry and Jack just watched her. He watched her body heaving with sobs. He heard the way she cried out for her husband. She looked so small and helpless and in that moment he realized that he couldn't understand. He could never understand.

He bent down and caressed her head as she continued to cry. But he didn't try and stop her. He didn't offer her any comforting words. Because he knew that he wasn't the one that could help her.

"Maybe it was more of a joint effort."

Jack laughed. "It did take two people."

Kate smiled and looked back up towards her shelter. "I'm going to go check on Hunter." She stood up and placed her hand on Jack's head.

"You should get some sleep."

"You should take your own advice."

Kate chuckled, "Jack, I think you know me well enough by now to know that I never take my own advice."

"I guess that's why we get along so well."

Jack watched as Kate trudged back up the beach. He smiled slightly at the memory of kissing her.

In the years past Kate had slowly healed. Her children had done that. As time went on she spent less time crying. She devoted her time to Hunter and James, filling their lives with as much love as possible. Although it was a well known fact that Sawyer's grave was never alone for a long period of time.

Jack had kept his distance in the healing process knowing that it was something a doctor couldn't help with. He helped out with James, delivered Hunter and continued to help Kate raise her two boys. And slowly out of their friendship something new developed.

It was something intimate and more than just friends. Less than lovers. Because they both knew that would there relationship could not go to that place. That kiss on the beach fifteen years earlier had been the one and only. But everyone knew that Kate and Jack were partners. They touched each other intimately. Smiled at each other in a way they didn't smile at anyone else. They migrated to each other when they needed help.

Jack saw the way Kate's face lit up when anyone mentioned Sawyer, the way her expression changed when she thought of him. But it wasn't jealousy that he felt. He had given up wanting Kate like that. Because somehow it didn't matter anymore.

Kate watched the way Jack acted around her boys. Marveled at the way he always found ways to tell them about their father. It was as if he was on a special mission to send a message from Sawyer to his children. She often wondered is something more profound had passed between Sawyer and Jack than either ever let on. But she never asked. It didn't matter anymore.

They were bonded together perhaps in a deeper way than anyone else on the island could comprehend. And while they never truly understood each other they had found a way to become a part of each other.

Please read and review. I promise that the next update will come much sooner.