The Puppet Master
Chapter Twenty Eight - The Truth
Kate thought the infirmary looked broken with the crowd departed. The room was silent, save for the repetitive beeping of a monitor, and the distant, regular hum of Atlantis. A heartbeat, Zelenka had once called it. The description seemed apt. Only one nurse was on duty, sat at his station typing quietly. Beckett had departed to the mess hall for some food and 'a fresh brew.' That left Kate alone with Kezan.
McKay was lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling. According to the nurse he hadn't moved or spoken since he had woken, little over an hour ago. Kate's heels clacked against the tiles as she walked to the bed, and she coughed to alert the infirmary's only patient to her presence.
A suspicious gaze turned on her. "You."
"Me," she said, brightly, pulling up a chair. "How are you feeling?"
He seemed to consider her for a long moment, then turned away. "Y-you tell me."
She folded her hands on her lap. "Well, I imagine the drugs Dr Beckett gave you packed one hell of a punch. Headaches, nausea – stop me if I'm getting close."
No response. He stared stubbornly at the ceiling.
She sighed. "Fair enough. Of course, if I wanted a report on your physical condition I could ask Doctor Beckett – but since I didn't come here to talk about that…"
"You're here to ask questions," he interrupted.
"That's my job. It would help if I could be certain you were going to answer them."
She waited patiently for his response, though it was slow in coming. "I might as well. Nobody else will."
"Talk to you?"
"Nobody will listen." He stared at the ceiling. "You won't, either."
"That's why I'm here. To listen to what you have to say."
He gurgled a strange, twisted laugh. "Right. You only want to hurt me. All of you."
"We're only here to help."
"Liar," he accused. "Hold me down, trap me, cells and bars and rope and boxes. Always the same."
"Because the last time, you tried to hurt yourself," she said, watching him closely for his reaction.
A flicker of something resembling black humour flitted across his face. "No. A blur, that's all."
"You tried to attack Dr Beckett."
"I don't like him," Kezan shot back. "Doctors. Drugs and needles."
"To help you –"
"You did something to me," came back the challenge.
She tensed. "You're imagining things."
"I know. I can feel it. Twitches and tremors and pain in my head." Softly: "I know what you're trying to do. I ripped the memory from him."
Kate couldn't stop a quick intake of breath. "What do you mean?"
Blue eyes flicked up at her. "I took it from him. I can take anything I want to."
She swallowed, a sick feeling in her stomach. "I don't understand."
"Bits of him. Bits of me." He tapped a finger against the bed. "I don't like it. He doesn't – it's not right. And it makes me muddled. It's a jumble. But I had to. I had to know what you were doing. Waking up in that bed – I don't like it. People experimenting on me." His gaze bored into hers with powerful intensity. "You know who I am."
Kate suddenly found it difficult to maintain her composure. She leant forward and watched the man in the bed, the man she had received many a sarcastic retort and walled response from, the man she thought she knew, despite his best attempts at a defence – and saw a stranger look back at her.
For the first time she realised just what Atlantis was at risk of losing, and she wondered why she hadn't seen it before.
"Tell me."
His voice was a whisper. "Identity B-seven-nine-four-one."
"Your name is Kezan."
Kezan snorted, then turned back to staring at the ceiling. "N-no. He's dead. I know. I'm a fake, a c-copy."
Kate's breath caught at the back of her throat. This was what she had been hoping for, why she had first asked Weir to be allowed a conversation with him. She slipped into the mode of professional, distancing herself emotionally from any connection to the man in the bed.
"You're a copy?"
"I was created by his science," Kezan said, sadly. "Code, he said I was. That's right, isn't it?" He took a deep breath, and conversationally addressed the ceiling. "They made me run tests. Mazes. Guinea pigs. But I learnt. Repetition." The tapping against the bed rail grew more frantic. "Bits, a jigsaw, that's what he'd call it. I knew. It felt wrong."
"I know," she said. "I've read your files, Kezan. The scientists put you through artificial scenarios to try and predict how you would react, to identify a trigger."
"Dreams," he whispered. "Faces I recognised. But I didn't know them. Empty shells. At least…" he broke off, closing his eyes tightly.
She gave him a moment to respond, then urged, gently: "At least…"
"The dark." Kezan opened glittering eyes. "Cold and dark and nothing, forever. No dreams, even."
"But it's only like a disc, right? Just information!"
"The laboratory was destroyed," she said, softly. "It was abandoned."
"Turned to dust," he replied, his voice quavering. "All of them. I thought so. Nothing should live that long."
"No," Kate admitted, sadly, "probably not."
"But I did." He shivered. "But now it's real. I'm not. A copy."
"I don't believe that's all you are."
He turned his head to look at her. "A puppet."
"No," she repeated, firmly. "I've looked at your history. I've seen the records written by the scientists who created you. You were meant as an exact copy of the donor –"
"Broken."
"Flawed, perhaps, but not broken." She straightened her back, setting her shoulders. "My people have seen many different species since leaving our planet. Some have existed without bodies, and some, like you, have had their minds stored on electronic devices. That doesn't make them any less of a person."
"No." Kezan's hand pulled sharply against the restraints. "No, I'm a fake. A ghost."
"I don't think –"
"He died." She could see tears, and shame in his eyes. "They changed the tests. Suggested new ideas. New people. Drugs and mazes. And I knew, I f-felt it." His voice broke on a sob. "There was a hole, and I was alone. I continue and he doesn't and that means I'm a ghost, doesn't it? I'm lost and they forgot, and he's nothing but dust and ashes and still, I'm here, through emptiness and void and now there are new thoughts in my head and I see, and I know –"
He broke off suddenly, looking up at her, and she felt her heart clench at his vulnerability. "They're all dead, aren't they? Everyone I knew."
Kate took a moment to answer, to control her response: "Yes. I'm sorry."
He nodded in apparent acceptance.
"Kezan," she continued, quickly, "you're not a ghost. You're more than that, much more."
"No –"
"You remember your life before, don't you? Before you were put into the box. Before you separated from your other self."
Kezan pressed his lips together, tilting his head away.
"You remember your parents?"
"His parents."
She continued regardless. "Living beside the lake on your home world. Your mother was a nurse. Your father was a teacher, and you were training to follow him."
His mouth opened, though she had to strain to hear his words. "They wouldn't let him. They found out and forbade it."
"Even as a child you were different," she continued, recalling every detail of the file. "You never liked large crowds, you wouldn't play with other children. Your parents tried to help, and when you were older that phase seemed to have passed. But then –"
"I don't remember."
"You were thirteen. Your brother was seven."
"No." His breath quickened, coming in short, sharp gasps. "It wasn't me. No."
"Tell me," she pressed. "Tell me how you got that wound on your hand."
"No –"
"Tell me what happened. You were by the lake and –"
"I d-dared him." He gave a short, strangled sob. "A game. Playing fish. He couldn't, he – I held my breath and he –" He cut off.
"You held your breath," Kate said, softly, hating herself.
"It was a game. But he wouldn't stay under, he wouldn't –"
"He was afraid of the water."
"He needed to learn, I was going to teach him. But I –" Another sob. "I held him. He w-wanted up, but I couldn't. He had to learn. They thought he was so good, but I wanted to show them. I was better. And I - he cut me." His injured hand, wrapped in its bandage, clunked heavily against the cuffs. "I didn't think – he was playing, but not – and my mother screamed –"
"You remember," she cut in, quickly, drawing his attention back towards her. "You remember it happening to you."
"They said it was an accident." He choked on the words, closing his eyes again, tightly. "H-hid it. But they couldn't. W-wasn't their fault. And they took me –" He gasped, then opened his eyes, turning to stare at her. "Drugs and tests. Just like now."
"You remember," she repeated. "You remember how it felt."
"I never meant –"
"He was your brother."
"An accident."
"I know," Kate said, softly. "I believe you."
He gazed at her, his breath slowing. "Yes," he said, finally. "I remember."
"And your parents? You remember them?"
"Y-yes." He sighed. "But there are holes. Empty places I can't fill up. I had thoughts, but they left me." His voice broke again. "I never meant to hurt him."
"I know," she repeated, reaching out to place her hand on the mattress.
"I can't remember…" He clenched his fists and closed his eyes for a moment. "Holes. I don't remember before. There was a voice –"
"There are blanks," she said gently, wanting to pull him back to the present. "That's understandable. But your memory of that moment, your feelings, that means a great deal." She gave him a smile. "Just a copy wouldn't have those. You're more than that. Not a ghost, not a copy. A person."
His eyes widened. "Real?"
"Yes." Kate pressed on quickly, not allowing him chance to object. "You have memories. You have emotions. You're independent from any programming. You're as real as I am, and the lack of a physical body doesn't change that. You're a person, and my job is to help you."
He stared at her disbelievingly. "How?"
She hesitated, not entirely sure herself. "To make your thoughts clearer," she decided on, "to prove to you that we're here to help."
"No." His body tensed. "Lies again. I saw, remember? Took it from him."
"Because we want to have our friend back," Kate said. "But we don't want to harm you. If you would -"
"Leave?" He gave an abrupt, twisted laugh. "Told you. I can't go back to the emptiness. I won't." His brows drew downwards in a frown. "I t-think I could take more. If you tried to make me."
It was her turn to tense, clenching one hand tightly, pressing her nails into her palm. "What do you mean?"
"From him. M-Mckay." He paused for a moment, gaze drifting past her to the wall behind. "I remember parts. Coffee. Hockey. Star Trek. Jeanie –"
"Stop," she interrupted, sharply. "Don't."
"Remembering" he told her. "Like he does with me. But he's afraid. He holds onto it all, he's desperate. But he can have mine. I don't want it. His…" He stopped again.
"Kezan," she said quickly, "Please don't. I told you, we don't want to hurt you."
"You want him back," he said, simply. "I won't go back. Not back there." A shudder wracked his body. "Dark and c-cold and alone, so – no, not again. Forgotten. You won't, I won't let you."
"You never meant to harm your brother," Kate said, growing increasingly desperate, frightened by Kezan's replies. "I believe you when you say it was an accident. You didn't mean to hurt him, but the scientists on your home world labelled you as violent, for a mistake you made as a child. They wouldn't let you follow your father into teaching, despite the medication controlling your illness."
"They left me." His voice broke. "My parents. Took me to the scientists. And they ripped me apart."
"Kezan –"
"See?" he challenged. "You don't know."
"I know what I've read," she replied. "I've seen your file. I don't believe you're a violent person."
He turned his head towards her, his eyes dark and hard. "I'm not him."
Panic flared within her, and she rose, glancing towards the nurses station, confirming the man's presence. Then she turned back to Kezan. "Don't harm McKay. If you can see into his memories and thoughts then you know he's a good man."
"So was I!" he shot back, raising his voice. "But no one listened! You said I was ill, so did they, and they took me apart and trapped me and forced me through dreams, dreams and nightmares and always, always s-shadows coming for me and long darkness, long nights and no one came, they forgot but he's a g-good man, so you want me to do nothing! Just go back, good little guinea pig, but I won't, I won't, I can't –"
"Kezan," she pleaded, hearing footsteps behind her, "don't hurt him –"
"I won't go back!" he screamed, bucking against the bed, tearing against the cuffs on his wrists. "I'd rather –"
"Kezan." A new voice, calm and authoritative. "You decided to join the party, huh?"
Kate turned, taking a step away from the newcomer. Her leg bumped against her chair. "Major."
Sheppard gave her a cursory nod. "Doctor." He moved past her towards the bed, looking down at its occupant, his expression hard. "Have a look into McKay. He won't want to be dissected by you. And unlike the doctor here, I have no problem in killing you the minute you cause permanent harm to my friend."
Kezan stared defiantly back up at him. "You w-wouldn't lose him."
"Not through choice," he agreed. "Never through choice. But if you take that choice away, it becomes a whole different ball game."
Kate watched the two men for a moment, sensing the air prickle with hostility, feeling her heart racing in her chest. She took a step forward. "Major Sheppard –"
He turned on her, jaw set in determination. "Doctor Heightmeyer. I believe your time with your patient has ended. It's my turn." He glanced towards the nurses station, nodding at its occupant. "I want to be alone with him."
The nurse frowned, but nodded, rising from his seat. "I have other work to be doing in the next room. Call me if you need me."
"I won't," Sheppard said, grimly. He turned again to Kate. "You've not left, Doctor."
She opened her mouth, ready to object, but something hauntingly dark in the Major's eyes killed the words in her throat, and she nodded silently, and moved away. As she walked towards the door she heard the scrape of metal against the floor as Sheppard pulled up a chair, and as she stepped out into the corridor she heard his low voice speaking to Kezan.
"So, I came. Talk to me."
Kate stepped out into the corridor, and tried to stop shaking.
