Chapter 6

The pilot has been shot and sent to TV stations. And it has been accepted. That means me and Pacey will work together for at least a year. Talk about commitment. Not that I'm freaked. But what if it turns bad? I like him a lot and he seems to like me too… but what if he likes to keep his socks dirty? Or something like that… and we decide we can't be together and then we have to work together…?

So I'm insecure. A bit.

We're in the studio, all gathered to talk and sign contracts and everything. Pacey is late… again… he sits next to me and grabs my hand.

We never discussed public behaviour. I have always hated it in my highschool when I saw people kissing or making out in my line of sight. And that had nothing to do with the fact that I was unsatisfied with my love life. It's just that I'm not a very public person. And the fact that Pacey is holding my hand… it's making me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

So are we an item now? Do we just rise and say to everybody "Hey guys, we're going out" or do we just let them figure out for themselves? I mean, Jen knows, Dawson obviously knows… and I think that's it…

Would Nigel mind me and Pacey? I mean in the show we're supposed to not be able to stand each other, right? Maybe he'll think that we won't be able to act that properly if we actually go out.

The last week was so great. It was a bit of a holiday for us actors who had done our job and waited for some television to accept our show. Pacey and I went out every day for at least three or four hours. And it was great, most of the time I never wanted to leave. But that brings out another question.

Personal space.

I mean, I'm no loner or anything, but personal space is important. I need to occasionally spend time alone. Not that I didn't get to spend time alone. I did. Three or four hours a day with Pacey and then twenty hours by myself. But I can't help thinking that we'll be working together for a long time and for longer hours every day and maybe I won't feel like going out with him after I've seen him all day.

Not that I got tired of Pacey. Cause I haven't. But that's always been the problem with me. Whenever I started going out with a guy I ended up getting tired of him and needing my space. And I'm scared.

I haven't heard anything Nigel said. God, do I think too much?

He sits down next to me and smiles.

"Is everything okay?"

Do I have "problem" written all over my face?

"Yeah, it's okay" I try to smile back but I can kinda tell it's not the most natural smile I've ever put on. His smile turns to bitter.

"Okay"

He gets up to leave and I can't let him go. I'm talking about personal space but when he's around, space is the last thing of my mind. Actually I want the least possible amount of space between us.

I grab his hand and he looks at me questioningly.

"I'm freaked out okay? I don't know where we stand, I don't know what we're supposed to tell the others and I don't know how they'll take it."

"Do we have to tell anybody?"

I must have a strange look cause he feels the need to explain.

"Not that I want to keep it a secret cause I don't. But it is not our obligation to tell everyone everything that happens to us. Our life is our business and no-one else's."

He does have a point.

"So what do we do? We confine ourselves to enclosed spaces whenever we feel like kissing?"

"Why would we want to do that?"

"So that they don't know. So that we keep our life our business…"

"Joey, you're going over the top with this one. I did say I don't want to keep it a secret. But that doesn't mean I want to report it to anyone. We'll just act naturally and they'll figure it out for themselves."

"How can I act naturally when everyone is staring at me?"

It sounds so simple and yet it can't be that simple. Nothing in life ever is.

"No-one is staring at you, Joey. Not that you don't deserve to be stared at, but they all have better things to do than stare at you."

Have I ever told you about Pacey's smile? He's all kinds of cute all the time, but when he smiles he's got this playful spark in his eyes and I just melt looking at it.

"Witter! Your time to sign!" Nigel's voice shouts from the other side of the room.

Pacey winks at me and goes. And I'm all kinds of on fire right now.

Some sort of party. I hate parties. And Pacey is nowhere to be found. I really hate parties. Or at least parties for the sake of parties. No, scratch that. I just hate parties. I gotta be nice to everyone and if I'm not forcing myself to have fun everyone will think of me as some sort of… well, Ice Queen.

"Joey! Over here!"

There's Jen. Good. Someone I can call a friend. She's sitting there with a dark-haired blue-eyed guy who would be good looking if I didn't think of Pacey all the time. Where is Pacey, anyway?

"Joey, this is Drue, Drue, this is Joey."

Ah. Drue. The prick. Jen's prick. Cute.

"Hi Drue" I give him my best smile.

"Joey" he solemnly says my name and I have a feeling he's mocking me.

"Drue" I try to immitate his tone but I can't help giggling. Jen giggles with me. Drue plays superior human being who cannot be bothered with trivial matters.

"Ladies"

Jen and I are laughing out loud. Don't ask me why cause he definitely did not say anything funny. And I was in a bad mood five seconds ago. Where is this coming from?

Pacey shows up out of the blue and he's not alone. My laughter dies out as I look at the blonde who is obviously eyeing him. A dumb blonde, no doubt about it. Go away!

"What's so funny?"

"I don't know, your friend here seems to be on something. I greet her and she starts laughing" Drue plays offended. "What is happening to youngsters nowadays? Where are the manners and the handshakes?"

Jen takes his hand and shakes it hard.

"There. Handshake. Satisfied?"

"Too little too late, Lindley. This young lady over here is laughing at me and I cannot bare it."

Now, normally I would enter this game with him and enjoy it. But who the hell is that blonde? All giggly and all eyes on Pacey. She hasn't even said a word but she must be dumb. I'll have it no other way.

Pacey engages in a playful conversation with Drue and I can't hear a thing. My eyes are on that blonde whose eyes are on Pacey. She occasionaly laughs a soft laugh and batters her eyelashes. Pacey's not even looking at you, you little slut! Stop doing that!

Jen seems to be amused about something.

"Jealousy…" she starts humming in my ear.

"I'm not jealous" I whisper through gritted teeth.

"Joey, you could be green and it wouldn't be more obvious. Now go over there and claim your man."

"Claim my man?"

"Yes. Take him by the hand. Kiss him on the cheek. Something to let her know that the seat is taken."

"But… we're not a very public kind of couple…"

"Public couple? What's that?"

"You know, the kind of couple that you see kissing and mauling all the time… And holding hands all the time… we kinda like to keep it to ourselves, no need to show off our… thing…"

"Thing"

Jen raises an eyebrow and I know she's onto something but I'm not sure what that something is.

"Thing" I mumble and the blonde is still battering her eyelashes. She's not even that pretty, she has this huge nose.

"Thing" Jen says back to me. What is it with that word? Stop saying it! It's a word, nothing more.

Pacey and Drue are laughing at something Drue said. And the blonde started laughing too.

"Careful, you're turning green"

"Is this amusing to you?" I snap at her.

"Yes, kind of. It reminds me of me."

"Of you?"

"Yeah. I didn't want to tell anyone about my… uhm… thing with Drue… cause we had fought for so long, I thought it would seem funny that we were going out… the thing about this kind of tactic is that it tends to backfire. You're free but so is he… and that is a problem…"

And then suddenly the lights are on in my head and I realize what I'm doing. I have a great guy. He's funny, he's good looking, he's smart and he cares about me. Why wouldn't I want to tell anyone that he's mine?

Is he mine?

Does he want to be mine?

He seems to be aware of my turmoil cause he turns to me and smiles. And all my fears are gone again and he's all I want.

And I solve all my problems with a kiss. Sometimes things are that simple.