Chapter 12
How can things go so wrong in such a short time? Just a few days ago I was happy. I had the perfect boyfriend and a great job doing what I love doing, and I was on the verge of taking a vacation and going on a trip with my perfect boyfriend.
Now suddenly I have a conflict at work and my boyfriend is shutting down on me. I felt him on the telephone. I felt him shutting down on me. I hate this.
We haven't talked since yesterday and although that might seem like a short time for other people, it's a long time for us. We used to talk all the time.
I spent most of the night thinking. Remembering everything that has happened. How he swept me off my feet. How he turned me from an 'Ice Queen' (cause I was that, even though no-one actually said it…) to a free person, someone who is open to life and its opportunities. But I can't be that without him. He gave me life. And now he's killing it.
I know I sound needy. I know it's not normal to depend like that on someone. I know that in the end we should be independent and learn to stand on our own two feet. But he was so perfect in the way he supported me… it's like having the ground taken right from under my feet and I fall and fall and have yet to touch something stable. All in a matter of 24 hours.
I sigh as I walk through Capeside. I have grown to love this little town in these six months. It's small, it reminds me of my own hometown. It's beautiful. But right now it hurts. It's so small that every other second I pass by a place that reminds me of Pacey. Like there's that video store where we are shooting and it's supposed to be his workplace in the show. Then there's the docks, where we took endless walks just about every night ever since the weather got warm. And who can forget the park, that small park situated right in the center of Capeside, where me and Pacey kissed so many times and where kisses turned to heavy make-out sessions discreetly protected by the shaddows of the night? Great, I am turning poetic.
I love him. I know I never actually said it out loud, but I do. But then again, how can I say it, when he doesn't either? Of course I didn't doubt it much till yesterday. Hell, he was even going to move in with me, what more of a proof can I get? But no… He took that back. Too much too soon he says. And here I start wondering. Does he? I mean, he must feel something, but what? Why did he suddenly shut down? Yeah, Dawson was an ass but what does that have to do with me? He doesn't honestly believe that our performance in the show will be affected by our relationship, does he?
It's pouring and I'm enjoying it. It helps a lot. The rain. It's a warm summer rain and it's summer. And I'm babbling to myself cause my stable point in life has just turned unstable. Oh wait, this relationship is six months old. I try to think of how it was for me before. Of things I did without him, before I met him. I couldn't have possibly not have had any fun before meeting him, could I? What was it? What did I do when I was down? What brought me up? Who did I talk to? There must have been someone! I can't think of anything right now. All I can think of is Pacey. And I try to stop, I try to be normal, I try not to think about him, I try to pretend like I'm on my own two feet, but I fail miserably. I suppose it comes with the territory with being the youngest in the family. You always depend on someone, you get used to it, you crave it.
For a second I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. There he is, on the docks, standing in the rain, looking at the water. I stop and look at him. There's just two of us on the dock, all the other Capeside residents have ran off from the rain, probably. But I like the rain, even if it's getting harder and harder. It makes me feel better about myself, although for a second I can't help thinking that I'm not looking at my best right now. If he turns around and looks at me he'll probably be surprised at my wet hair, my make-up falling off, my soaked clothes. But the thought leaves my mind as soon as it arrives. He's there. Right in front of me. Ten or so feet away from me. Looking into the water. I can't move.
I honestly don't know what to do. My body longs for him, I have to physically stop myself from going forward. My heart longs for him too. My ears long for the sound of his voice, that sexy, husky voice that could turn me into a pile of goo just by asking me what time it was. My breath longs for his smell, a faint touch of cologne, just enough to sense it but not enough to be bothered by it, a cologne that I don't know to be used by anyone else. Or maybe it's not the cologne. Maybe it's him. Maybe all these things affect me like this because they're his. It's like a vicious circle, I don't even know if I'm attracted to him because I like his voice or if I like his voice cause I'm attracted to him.
Leave it to me to think too much. Jen laughs at me because of this. Of course, Jen left last night to be with Drue. I can't help envy their relationship. They bicker constantly but they always yell their problems out loud through that bickering. They always talk about what's bothering them. Or maybe it's the grass that's greener on the other side. Maybe she sometimes envies me for my relationship.
My thoughts run from one topic to another but I am still on the dock, not moving. Looking at him.
He is looking at his hands. I love his hands. They can be so tender and yet so strong. He can carry me in his arms with those two hands. He can touch me in places that no-one has ever touched me before with those two hands. He can take my hand in his and squeeze it lightly… then while we'd walk, he'd brush his thumb over my palm and I'd know right then and there that everything is going to be alright. But, of course, it's not. Cause he's shutting down on me and I suddenly feel panic. I will lose him. I will lose the best time of my life. I will lose my first and who knows, maybe only love. I can't let him go.
I take two steps forward but suddenly stop again realizing I can't think of anything to say.
"What is happening to us, Jo?"
He hasn't moved. He didn't even turn his head. For a moment, I think I am dreaming, I wonder if his lips moved. I didn't see them moving. Of course, the heavy rain is obscuring the view, but still. Suddenly he turns his head and faces me. And I realize I didn't hear wrong. He did talk to me.
"That's what I want to know, too." I step forward and lean on the dock near him.
He has turned his face to the sea again. His whole face is stoned, except for his lips. He keeps biting his lips and that's the only sign I have of him feeling anything.
"Why are you shutting out on me, Pace?"
He winces.
"This is our first real conflict, Jo."
"But what is the conflict about? We didn't have a fight. Not with each other anyway. If only I knew what the problem was, maybe I could fix it."
"We work together while having a relationship, Jo. That was bound to cause some sort of friction."
"Why? Because Dawson is being childish and is blaming his poor popularity on our lovelife rather than on his weak acting skills? You can't possibly consider that a problem, Pace. That is not a problem. Not one of ours, anyway. It is Dawson who is at fault, it is his problem and he might as well sort it out himself. I don't see why it has to interfear with us."
"In a perfect world, Jo, you'd be right. But things are not like that in our world."
"Why not!" Please don't tell me he gave up on us. Cause he sounds like he has. And it scares the hell out of me. I think I'd much rather have a fight.
"Because Nigel agrees with him. And if Nigel agrees with him, he will pressure us about it. Because in a way he's right. I can't totally act like I hate you, Jo… not even when I call you Sam…"
"But you're not supposed to hate me, Pace. Colby, Sam and Pete grew up together. Yes, Sam and Pete banter and bicker all the time but they do care about each other in their own twisted way. It's just their way of communicating. I think we managed to express that quite well. Just the way we should. I am very proud of the way we handled it, actually."
He bites his lip again. Then he smiles.
"That's what I understood from that script too. But I think Nigel and Dawson disagree with us. And this is not over, Jo. This is just the beginning. And I think it will get worse."
"Why?"
"Because the show is successful, Jo. You and me are already not Pacey and Joey. We are Pacey Witter and Joey Potter, stars of the hot new teen show that people so crave about. Newspapers and tabloids already cover us. How long do you think it will take them to figure out that we're together? If they haven't already… And then they're gonna start prying, they'll start rumours, and every cameraman that ever worked on this show will tell his side of the story spiced up with the fact that he might have caught us in the storage room a couple of times, and then of course there will be all the extras and the whole world dishing about us and our hot steamy relationship and by the time you'll actually want to say something about it on camera, you'll realize that you can't say anything that they believe cause they already printed all sorts of sick rumours that are way more interesting than the boring reality of us being a normal teenage couple."
Wow.
"So you're breaking up with me in advance because you think that we're not able to survive this?"
"No! I don't want to break up with you! I…"
Complete silence. I hold my breath while waiting for his answer.
He suddenly turns to me and kisses me. One of the most passionate kisses that I ever received, and this coming from a person who for the last six months has dated an expert on passionate kisses.
Before I can think of what's going on, he pushes me towards the bench on the edge of the dock, without actually breaking his lips from mine. I have turned putty in his hands yet again and the funny part is that I'm enjoying it. I love it when he turns all macho on me.
We have reached the bench and I want to sit down on it but he stops me. He breaks the kiss and looks me in the eyes. The cold rain doesn't even register anymore for I am on fire. And a matching flame is present in his stare. My breath becomes laboured and I feel the now familiar ache, the desire to touch him. I look around and then I come back to his eyes who now have a hint of a mischievious glint in them.
"Pace…" I whisper. And that's the last rational thing I do before he lays me down on the grass behind the bench.
