Chapter 13

For the past three days Joey and I have been hanging on to each other like our lives depended on it. We don't talk anymore. I don't know why she doesn't but I just shut up in hopes that ignoring our problems will make them go away. Maybe someone up there in the sky will realize that all I want in this world is to hold her hand and everything will be alright.

Everything has become more passionate. We haven't separated for more than a couple of minutes in a row. Dawson has gone to see his parents and Joey decided to move in. We make love in a more desperate manner. Hickeys and bruises started appearing on our skins as a result of that.

Unfortunatly it's not going to go away. Tomorrow we leave for her hometown and I will meet her parents. And this whole thing couldn't have come at a worst possible moment.

We of course don't talk about that either.

"So, miss Potter, what is it that you wish to do for today in this empty town?"

She gets a wicked smile and I get the usual butterflies.

"I don't know… what can two people do in an empty town?" she raises her eyebrows and I'm a goner.

"They can…" I get closer to her, so close that I can feel her breath in my face "…go for a walk…" I grin at her.

"That is a definite possibility" she grins back. "But we have been walking for a long time now. I want to do something different today…" a shaddow appears in her eyes for a second and I know the unspoken ending of that sentence.

But we don't talk about that.

"Well… we could rent a boat and go sailing…" I keep my grin. Her smile is back on and I lean in and continue speaking in her ear. "Wind in our face… the smell of the sea… you in a bikini… OW!"

"It's not warm enough for a bikini" she decides and gets up.

"Jo, it's July…"

"…and your point is?"

I sigh dramatically.

"Fine, just put that bikini in the bag… we'll find a way to warm up" I wink.

She sits on my lap and gets whispers in my ear.

"Well if we do that, what will we need a bikini for?"

I swallow and try to get my breath back. Fat chance.

"Well, now that you mentioned it…" I whisper cause I don't have the strength to do anything more "…what do we need a boat for?"

She smiles a sexy smile at me. I can tell she's a bit turned on, although she does a pretty good job at hiding it.

"…well, I've always loved swinging back and forth…"

She batters her eyelashes and swings a litle… and it would be funny if it weren't so hot.

"Of course, we can never have enough swinging…" I swallow thickly.

"Good." She gets up and goes towards my room. "You do what you have to do to get us a boat and I'll go pack."

I can't move.

So we are out sailing. The weather is beautiful. Sun is up, the wind blows just enough not to be hot, Joey's in a bikini, there's not a soul around us, I can't help looking at Joey, she's got her back on me – and what a beautiful back it is! – she's in a bikini…

Can you tell I want her? Like… now?

I allow the boat to drift and head towards her. She's looking at the sea and she's got a look on her face that fills my heart with all kinds of warm and fuzzy stuff. She seems to be completely smitten by the sea.

"It's beautiful out here, Pace…" she smiles.

"It is indeed" I say, my eyes never leaving her face.

"Thank you… for everything…"

I'd say 'you're welcome' but I get an unpleasant feeling in my stomache about the actual meaning of those words. Are we finally going to talk?

She turns and looks at me while keeping her dreamy smile.

"I love sailing with you, Pace."

Guess the talk is gonna have to wait.

We start kissing. I don't even know who made the first move, it's like we drifted towards each other.

One cannot have enough Joey Potter kisses.

She gets off the boat and I have the same uncomfortable feeling in my stomache. We made love on the boat, but she wasn't there. She had this absent way of making love, something I wasn't very used to coming from her. I almost stopped at some point, but she kept on going. It was like 'don't stop, I like thinking about something else while making love to you'. Ugh.

"I have to go home and pack" she says.

"Of course" I say coldly. I think she picked up on the tone of the voice cause she's suddenly looking at me. She was finally looking at me, like she was finally noticing I was there.

"Pacey…" she starts, but I throw her a cold look and she stops.

Too little too late. I don't need her pity.

I don't wanna go see her parents, try and be nice and get along with all her relatives, when I'm not even sure whether or not she and I are going to make it after this summer.

"If you wanna go see your parents alone, why don't you just tell me?" I say.

She's hurt. I can tell. Why is she hurt? Because she wants me to go with her or because that sounded harsh? I didn't mean to be harsh. I'm just tired of not talking. I want to talk. I want to know. I'm tired of waiting for her to say the words.

"If you don't wanna come meet my parents, all you have to do is say so."

"I said nothing of the sort."

"No, you're trying to lay it all on me. Well, you know what, you can't! I refuse to ask you not to come! If you don't want to come you will not come on your own accord!"

Now she's pissed.

"I'd be a lot happier about this trip if you acted like you wanted it to happen"

"When did I act like I didn't want you to come? You're the one making everything worse!"

"I am the one making it worse? Making what worse? I am the one who wasn't there while making love to you? I am the one who would rather stare at the water than talk to you?"

"You are the one that started this whole conflict! Damn it, this isn't supposed to be a conflict! I don't even know what the conflict is about! Now is the first time any of us has raised a voice and yet for the last week we acted like cats and dogs!"

She swore. Joey never swears.

"I thought we had that covered" I try to stay calm.

"We had nothing covered! Dawson is pissed and Nigel is a bit upset and you're turning it into world war 3! You are willing to let a minor work conflict come between us! And that makes me wonder how important this whole 'us' thing is to you!"

"Joey…"

"Don't you Joey me!" she screams and I can see unshed tears in her eyes.

I don't know what to say. How she managed to turn this all on me, I can't say, but after spending the whole day feeling neglected I suddenly have the distinct feeling that I have neglected her. Not a pretty feeling, I tell you.

"I am not letting a minor conflict come between us…"

Her tears are gone now and her face is cold.

"No, of course not, everything you do is right, you are the perfect boyfriend and I am to blame for everything that's wrong in our relationship."

Okay, that right there pisses me off. That is an elaborate way to blame me for everything.

"Well you said it not me"

"Well if I'm such a pathetic excuse for a girlfriend and you so definitely deserve better, why don't we just break up and you go find something better!" she screams at me.

She doesn't get it. This isn't about me wanting better it's about her deserving better. I suddenly realize what I've been doing for the past week. I've been waiting for the inevitable break-up because a relationship between a guy like me and a girl like her could never work. And I realized the break-up was coming when Dawson and Nigel disapproved of our relationship.

This is all so clear to me I can't believe I didn't see it before. I look at her and I realize I have to say something but I can't find the right words. I don't know what she wants of me. During our whole fight she hasn't said anything on whether or not she wants our relationship to go on or not.

All she did was blame me.

She's looking at me, waiting for an answer.

"Right…" she says. "You can't even break up with me properly."

That sounds so much like a 'you're no good speech' it hurts.

"I can't do anything properly" I say and I just leave. I can't talk right now. If I talk right now, I'll take it all out on her. And as much as that would help my ego, I can't do that.