Ok I'm just gonna stop givin previews 2 future chaps bc I always end up hearing a song I like better and would b better 4 the chap. Well I've just listened to the redone version of A smaller god and I highly suggest downloading it, it kicks enormous ass.
p.s. if n.e.one else would like 2 be an editor 2 that'd b fine. The more the merrier! And the more I'll luv u! and who doesn't want more luv from the Deni pie?
Luv
The Deni Pie
C h a p t e r X – R o o m 1 1 8
I cannot distance myself
You were the one who believed
that only half of a girl
half more than you could deceive
I watch your face on TV
All that I am turns to fear
When you're the boy that I want
I will be waiting right here
I don't know what to believe
Sew up the sore make it fake
When you're the boy that I want
I'll be the girl that you hate
You end up dead in the end
Star no star
You end up right here my friend
Star no star
We end up dead in the end
Star no star
We end up right here my friend
Star no star
I can not distance myself
You were the one who believed
that only half of a girl
half you but never half me
I see your face on the street
Burnt hands but features so clear
When I'm the girl that you want
I will be waiting right here
I don't know what to believe
peel all the scars from our way
When you're the boy that I want
we will have one perfect day
You end up dead in the end
Star no Star
You end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up dead in the end
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star
I am so distant myself
I guess I never believed
that you could take it away
and I'd have no time to grieve
I don't believe in TV
I don't believe in the fear
When you are searching for stars
You will be looking right here
You end up dead in the end
Star no Star
You end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up dead in the end
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star
Star no Star – Jack off Jill
Did she have a fig in her ear? Ginta observed the strange girl a ways away from him, baffled by her odd turn in behavior. It made him think of a long time ago when his uncle had begun acting strange too. He had taken to yowling and whining for the longest bouts of time on end until the Alpha Male was ready to just put him out of his and everyone else's misery. His mother of course stopped him when she brought up how she had seen the miserable wolf attack the left side of his head from time to time. Upon closer examination it turned out that he had somehow gotten a fig lodged deep inside his ear. After they had carefully removed it he had returned to normal within a day or two.
But Kagome wasn't yowling, nor was she whining, actually he wasn't sure what to make of her dramatic change. She ate little, or if she did she just didn't eat in front of him. She now flinched when he called her and every now and then he would catch her watching him with the strangest look when she thought he wasn't paying attention. He would just reassure her again that he was fine now and that was the first time he had ever been sick and it wasn't likely to happen again, yet it didn't take the odd sorrow out of her eyes or stop the ailing glances she paid to him.
Ginta wondered what she would say if he asked to take a look at her ear. He shook his head of the thought. It was probably just the winter days getting to her. The non ending mornings of grey were enough to make anyone a little iffy. At first he thought she was still swooning over his sickness. Yes, he had probably given her quite the scare but it had been two months already! He just found it odd that she would still worry two months over something that had lasted only two days. He suddenly paid closer attention to her when her head began to inch a little to the side, eyes turning to peek at him again. Instantly, upon realizing she had been caught, her head whipped back as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
She did it again! Ginta thought, watching her go back to brushing her short tangled hair. With an exasperated sigh he leaned his back lazily against the side of the cave entrance. There really wasn't much to do during winter. He had already stored what food he could in the now frozen bathing hallows, and what didn't fit there he packed in snow and buried it around the mountain caves. That was a rather tricky place to keep food, though. It was harder to keep track of and vigilance was necessary, especially when there were other winter starved youkai and animals out there looking for anything remotely edible.
A little shiver shook his shoulders and he turned an attentive glance to Kagome. She was once again bundled up, but her nose was red and slightly wet, and she was as huddled to herself as she could get and still succeed in brushing her hair. She was obviously cold, but not distressfully so. Returning his gaze to the falling snow outside of the cave he watched flakes upon flakes float down to touch the white earth, cradled in the air like weightless snow babies. It never really felt real. That this was his first winter without his pack, that is. Watching the familiar scene made him feel homesick. The memories were like grasping at water, just when you thought you had a hold on it, it would only slip through your clenching fingers. He could almost hear the wrestling of restless pups, the conversations of patient females, the old hunting stories of the other males, and of course Hakkaku and Kouga.
They would be sitting together right about now. Talking amiably, maybe wrestling like the pups if things got too tiresome to possibly bear. Of course that never lasted long. A light chuckle left him. He could practically hear their mothers' disgusted tones at their immature behavior and their repeated barks and berates to 'grow up', and to 'act their age'. They would instantly back off with whatever dignity they could muster after having been put in their place by their mothers. Even Kouga immediately became the image of sonly perfection, then again no one in their right mind would ever back talk Kouga's mom, not even her mate. Ginta focused, trying to remember the scene from their puphood. He definitely remembered Kouga's mother. That was a hard female to forget. The creature had been the epitome of Alpha Female. She was a large, muscular, bitch, with long coarse black hair, piercing pale blue eyes, and a rather voluptuous chest. He remembered the times when she went into heat; the second Kouga and his father were out of sight every male eye in the den would instantly become glued to those prominent globes. It wasn't hard to imagine why she became the Alpha Male's mate.
As good a leader as the Alpha Male had been, Kouga was most definitely his mother's son. They shared the same robust and dominating personality, the voracious persistence and determination, and unfortunately the same lack of common sense. Regrettably, neither Youkani nor her son had been blessed by the God of wisdom, luckily both made up for it in their ability to threaten and intimidate. Their ideas may have been ridiculous but you'd be damned if you weren't going to follow through without a fault. He supposed that was where Youkani and his own mother clashed. Niroki had an air of stringency and harshness about her that you just didn't want to cross, she had always taught him to never follow anyone whose ideals where below your own. A lot of good those teachings did. Ginta just wasn't the freethinking leader type, not like his mother. Which was probably a disappointment to her; though he didn't think she ever showed it. However, he doubted she could have ever been Alpha female. Youkani was simply the stronger of the two, even if it were only in bronze.
Then there was Hakkaku's mother. A wide smile broke across Ginta's face at the thought. With her ever so endowed breasts, tapered waist, flaring hips, and a rear end that just begged to be revered it was apparent why every other female in the clan was blood thirsty for her throat. He remembered her thick caramel colored hair that she would sometimes wear over her breasts during the summer when it was simply too hot for clothing. She had a way of walking with just the right sway in her step to make every masculine head turn even when she wasn't in heat. Oddly, the only friend he could remember Shirojio having was Youkani. If anything Ginta would have betted Kouga's mother would have ripped Hakkaku's mom in half given the chance, but he could only guess that their mutual lack of genius was the one thing that brought them together. In fact it was his mother who took the first disfiguring tumble with Shirojio. It was a long long time ago, before either he, Hakkaku, or Kouga had been born. He supposed Hakkaku should have thanked Niroki.
The story was that before his father and mother had mated, Shirojio had taken a particular fancy with Jakobi. Of course this infuriated Niroki and had strung the arrow of vengeance in its already taunt bow string. Niroki had held her temper, not wanting to seem desperate and weak for Jakobi while he was trying to court her, and had quietly urged another male, Onnuko, who was quite smitten with Shirojio at the time to make his intentions known and turn her away from Jakobi. Onnuko took her advice and began to present himself to Shirojio, hunting more, fighting frequently, and intimidating any other male that came towards her. Unfortunately Hakkaku's mother-to-be saw none of this. She was an odd bitch, superficial amongst a youkai species where shallowness just wasn't an allowed luxury. She would only look in disgust at the scars Onnuko had once bared so proudly. They were only signs of ugliness instead of medals of strength and virility in her eyes.
Finally Niroki's irritation snapped. One day she had noticed Jakobi's absence from her and after a few hours began to ask around. Youkani was the first to haughtily tell her how Shirojio coerced Jakobi to go to the river with her. Her tone intimated that she was obviously pleased at being able to knock the white haired female down a peg. Niroki immediately went into a rage, bounding for the river. She abruptly stopped at the sight that lay before her, Shirojio lay on the ground, quite nude, playfully clutching Jakobi's ankle, pulling him to her as he uttered excuses to get away and disentangle himself from her. The scent of the other female's heat wafted under Niroki's sensitive nostrils snapping her out of her stupor long enough to lunge at the 'strutting harlot' as his mother called her. She immediately had Shirojio pinned, viciously clawing at her face and throat.
Ginta had no doubt that his mother would have killed her had it not been for Onnuko's interference. The male had obviously been close enough to catch scent of his intended's heat and had taken after her only to find one confused male and two scraffling females. Quickly yanking Niroki away from her he gave Shirojio enough time to scramble away. Once she was far enough from the contending female's rage, Onnuko took after her. To be said, Niroki accepted Jakobi's intentions that day.
His mother told him that Onnuko had found Shirojio crying pitifully in a bloody heap. Her perfect face now bore scratches and would no doubt leave a scar or two. Ginta to this day would never understand why any male would want a female so weak, no matter how beautiful. But never the less, Onnuko declared that his affections were none the weaker, and Ginta didn't know whether Shirojio accepted him out of inspired love or out of fear that no other male would take her now. Either way they were also mated and later Hakkaku was born.
His jaw opened wide and popped the tired kinks out in a lazy yawn. Winter definitely wasn't his favorite of the seasons. He should probably do something before all the lethargy of the day put him to sleep. With a tired groan Ginta broke away from the wall, raising his arms high above his head, listening with a strange satisfaction at the quiet cracks his popping bones emitted. "Oi, Nee-san" Ginta paused watching her flinch yet again, what on earth was the matter with her? Shrugging off the thought he continued. "I'm going to give the grounds a once over. Do you want anything to eat?"
The only sign Kagome gave that she actually heard him at all was a subdued, soft little shake of the head. She just continued to brush her hair quietly, staring off into space with that hushed look of sorrow. He wanted to ask again, just to be sure, but stopped before he could say anything. It probably wouldn't do any good, anyway. Taking one last look at her before he leapt nonchalantly from the cave, he hoped she would break from her ailing mood soon.
The minute he was out of sight Kagome leaned her head back, a miserable sigh escaping her, letting the wooden brush drop to the floor with a hallow clack. Pausing at the low rumble her stomach gave off she was glad it hadn't made its hunger pangs known before Ginta left. Her body picked itself up from the floor with the mechanical essence of routine and began walking down the twisting hallways towards the bathing holes. She wasn't sure why, but she had begun to find it too uncomfortable to eat in front the wolf youkai anymore. Her new feelings seemed to have brought the aversion of looking like a ravenous hyena in front of him when eating. So with the cleverness of an eating disorder patient she started hiding food, sneaking food, and storing food.
Unfortunately the supply in her room had run out last afternoon and she was reduced to waiting for him to leave before she could forage about. She hated getting meals from the bathing holes. Luckily, Ginta had cracked open one to delve into that supply a few days ago, so there should still be some left. The familiar staleness of the hallows greeted her return as she stepped into the waiting cove. Stooping low when she finally found the right pool, her hands instinctively began gathering up some of the frozen meat from the broken fragments of ice.
Rising to her feet, hands full of purchase; Kagome began to tread back down the same hallways. Strangely, the darkness didn't bother her as much anymore. Granted if she had the option of light she would surely choose it but it didn't seem as necessary as it did before. Her eyes just focused unseeingly on the floor, idly sliding pieces of the frigid meat between her lips along the way. An abrupt burst of grey light splayed itself across the ground breaching her feet, signaling that she had reached the entrance of the cave.
Not stopping, Kagome simply walked indolently about until she ended up at the opening. Looking down, she barely even saw the recognizable ladder; her vision was only filled with the drop. All of the sudden the fall seemed just that much deeper, that much more menacing. Shrugging off the thoughts she patted her foot about until it found the first step and began her decent. It was still snowing, but she hardly felt the cold. What was wrong with her? She didn't appear to feel anything anymore. Well, that wasn't exactly true. She felt pain, and lots of it. Ever since Ginta's sickness, it was as if every difficult thing about her whole situation became magnified into unbearability. Just waking up was insufferable.
Why did she feel this way? Why did it feel so wrong, as if by having these emotions she had suddenly become the devil incarnate? Kagome paused her contemplations upon reaching the ground, only resuming them when she began walking a particular snow covered path. She supposed it was a mixture of things. It was ironic really; she was now in love with the best friend of the man who loved her. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sick. Was this how she honored Kouga's memory? Taking up the sacred quest of respecting his wishes and traveling with his pack only to proverbially urinate on his grave by falling in love with his grieving den brother? Kagome cringed; even her thoughts seemed to scold her sacrilege. And InuYasha. When had he drifted into the back of her mind? When had her fairy tale love for him staled and wafted into platonicy?
She sighed. She would give anything to go back to the days when love was an adventure, with hope guiding her around every turn of the maze in her heart. She remembered how exiting it had been. It had hurt too, rejection always hurt, but there had been the hope that survived. She never wanted for much around InuYasha; he fed her with his care and protection, with his kindness and unspoken affection. Granted, with Kikyou she was never sure of her exact place in the hanyou's heart, but she knew she held her own spot within it, and it kept her well taken care of. With him, that love had kept her healthy and happy.
She was dying now. Ginta was slowly starving her to death. No true hope, care, kindness, or affection was given to her ravenous mouth. There was no hope, because there was no maze in her heart for it to guide her through. She was in an indecipherable vortex of oblivion, left to walk the emptiness alone, searching, rapacious for any glimmer fondness or affection to feast covetously upon. Anything to grasp and hang onto before she fell into the void, letting it swallow her up.
Living with the youkai these past months had been agonizing; having to endure these feelings she had no idea what to do with. It was wasted love, that's what it was. It wasn't unrequited, it was only wasted. She had never experienced it before, but it was most definitely the worst kind. This love had no purpose. It simply sat in your belly, in your heart, and rotted, steadily, slowly but surely, rotting inside you from within. And it killed you. It was the worst way to die, from the inside out, having to slowly feel your own putrefaction. Love was not meant to go unused, which was why this sort had the direst of consequences.
And they were consequences she would have to deal with. Because she would watch herself die, watch her self tear apart into crumbling pieces of decay before she would ever tell him. She didn't know if it was from her knowledge that he would reject her and more than likely be horrified at her affections, or the fear of the unknown her admission would bring. All that she was sure of was that she couldn't bear it. She couldn't bear the horror and shame in his eyes. She couldn't watch him mentally berate himself, wondering what on earth he could have done to make her experience such things for him. Most of all she couldn't stand the repercussions. She couldn't stand the way he would look at her from then on, with that soft pity and small traces of mute revulsion dancing in the tiny irises of his eyes. Those looks would kill her.
Kagome stopped, her covered feet feeling the slightest of elevations in the snowy ground. Looking down, her face bearing an expression between indifference and misery, she seemed to peer through the layers of snow into the familiar place that lay beneath it. Dropping to her knees, Kagome gazed down at the slight lump in the whiteness. It didn't look like her tree would make it this winter. She let out a sad breath. Perhaps she would try again, somewhere else, wherever Hakkaku brought them when he came back. Her hand gently swept reverently over the flakes covering her sacred spot. She wasn't sure if she could just leave him here. Granted, she had grown to have a certain distaste in the desolate place she now had to recognize as home, but it was close to Kouga. She wasn't sure if she could just pack up and leave his resting place here where it would go unattended and not given the proper respect it deserved.
She sniffled, her red nose feeling wet again when she swiped a mitten encased hand underneath her nostrils. It had gotten colder and she couldn't feel the wetness running down her cheeks as she clasped her hands together closing her eyes in prayer. 'Kouga, I beg of you, forgive me. I don't know what's happening to me. I know you're up there, but I hope to the Gods that you can't see me, that you can't see what's happening. Kami, I owe you an apology as well. I've sinned horribly, I know this, and I can't bear it. I can't. Onegai, Kami! Take these feelings away! Onegai, punish me differently, don't make me suffer this. I can't! It's killing me, Kami. I'm dying right now. I don't want to hurt this way anymore, I've done so much, can't I be granted this one thing in return? I'm lonely, I'm lonely and I'm falling into a place I don't know how to get out of. No one's here, no one's here to help me, and I don't know how to help myself. I can't bear this, its wrong and I want things I can't have and shouldn't want in the first place. I'm begging you, Kami, take these feelings away, they hurt inside me. I ache. I ache…….' Gradually through her prayer Kagome had succumbed to her tears. Her quiet crying bringing her to curl up on the piling snow.
Perhaps Kami, or someone, had heard her prayer, because she was suddenly very numb. Kagome sniffed, opening her eyes to watch the dancing snowflakes fall about her. They seemed so serene, if not happy. Her mind was taken away from her sorrowful beseeching and became enamored with the flakes' alluring ballet. They comforted her gently, embracing her once before melting away into her clothes. She swallowed the sadness in her throat, oddly reminded of her mother. The snow was so soft, cushioning beneath her, enclosing her it its own angelic cradle. Kagome snuggled into her hair beneath her cheek, cuddling into herself; her mind feeling cared for in its tired state. 'Arigato….'
What was she doing out of the cave? Ginta had only spent about an hour tracking around the forest before getting bored and heading back to the caves. He had stopped at the edge of the domain, catching the scent of Kagome more clearly than he should have had she been in the mountain. The young youkai sniffed about, trying to catch her own distinct trail. The snow was certainly not making it any easier. Ginta bounded about with his own carefree manner. Oh well, at least he had an excuse to stay out a little later. He went from spot to spot playing a game of hot and cold with the young woman's scent.
Finally he spotted a lock of raven hair streaming out from underneath a large pile of snow. Ginta's felt a pang of worry go through him as he made his way over to the spot. Kneeling down he hurriedly swept away the layer of snow, revealing what he already knew. The dummy had fallen asleep outside. A clawed hand felt for her breath, relieved to find it warm and hardy. Her lips were a little blue though, but she was well enough. Dusting the rest of the flakes off her clothes cluttered body he hefted her into his arms.
Whatever was disturbing her couldn't get to her in sleep so that is where he would leave her for the time being. Walking in soft step towards the caves be tried his best not to wake her, all the while trying to think of ways to conserve heat within their home. Winter would no doubt get worst and they should really start preparing. He would eventually have to find something to close off the entrance with and they would have to start building more fires throughout the rooms. He sighed, so much to do and not enough time to do it in. Hopefully Hakkaku would return in time so maybe they wouldn't have to go through that sort of labor. Gods willing, his friend would have found a place more southerly than this.
Concern began to creep inside him at the thought of the other wolf having to come back to them during winter. It wasn't the easiest of tasks, but he was due back anytime now, two weeks, maybe four at the most. He looked forward to their journey finally being over and at last being able to settle down for a while and take a direly needed rest. It seemed like it was always one thing after another, the Gokurakuchou, the decimation of their tribe, Naraku, and now this. What had happened to the times where days consisted of nothing more than fighting, eating, and sleeping? He doubted any other clan had these sorts of problems.
The first thing she noticed was that she was warmer. She felt lighter, a little better. Her eyes sleepily fluttered open. Pale skin met her cheek, skin that did not belong to her. Kagome's eyes traveled up to the bottom of an impish chin. The rush of feelings came back, flooded over her head, and drowned her all over again. "Ginta…" She whispered blessedly.
She seemed to have snapped him out of some reverie because he suddenly looked down at her as if he had completely forgotten he had been carrying her in the first place. A sharp needle poked at her sore heart. 'You really don't feel a thing do you?...' Everything was so natural for him; she was nothing more than a den sister in his platonic eyes. For some reason his friendly smile gnawed at her more than any scornful look he could give her.
"Oi, Nee-san, it's not very smart to fall asleep outside this time of year. What were you doing?" He asked pleasantly.
Kagome gazed at him through tired, anguished eyes. She didn't want to talk; she didn't want to answer him. Why should she when no one seemed to want to answer her? She was hungry, he was starving her. Kagome sorrowfully cuddled her cheek against his chest, moving closer to his warmth. How could he wear so little and still stay as warm as he was now? If he noticed her bold attention he didn't comment on it, in fact he appeared to forget all about her and steadily paced ahead. She slowly drew her arms around him, bringing her nose into his neck. If he asked, she would blame it on the cold. She would blame it on her wandering moods; she would blame it on anything as long as he kept holding her. As long as he kept her close she would look in the faces of the Gods and blame them to their faces.
And it ended too soon. Too soon he had put her to her feet at the bottom of the imposing ladder and gently nudged her towards it. It was cold, no arms were there to warm her, no hot breath on her forehead anymore. She didn't want to go back in there. In that cold cave, with his pleasant smiles and his false eyes. All of his real affections and care so far away from her. She didn't know how much longer she could feed on this plate of nonchalance and formality he gave her day after day. Turning to his expectant face she wanted to touch him again. Reaching a hand to grasp the safe spot of his wrist she beseeched him with her eyes.
"Ginta, is there a hot spring anywhere around here? I'm dirty and cold." She murmured quietly to him like a shy little student would to a large intimidating teacher.
The wolf look surprised at her request. It was near freezing and she wanted to be in water? Scratching the back of his head hesitantly he didn't want to deny her with her temperament being as malleable as it was. But was it really such a good idea?
"Eh, Nee-san, don't you think you can wait until spring? Or at least until we get to the new home?"
Kagome stared at him in an amazed stupor. Did he really think that she had no intention of bathing until spring? "Onegai, Ginta, I would appreciate it."
He sighed defeatedly looking off to where there might have been a spring near the area. It might do them both some good, it would be nice to get a chance to get out and relax for a while. Turning back to her with a happy grin he nodded. "Alright, go up and get some warm clothes first, or anything you can dry off with. It's going to be pretty cold when you get out." He warned.
Kagome nodded, feeling the irresistible urge to hug him, but instead she obeyed and jogged carefully up the steps.
Ok maybe it wasn't as near as he originally estimated. He had the young woman in his arms once more and was dashing about the forest trying to smell the aroma of fresh water. They had been running, or rather he had been running, for a good half hour and still he hadn't been able to find it. Ginta looked around him taking his attention from the turning grassy paths, wondering if maybe he had taken a wrong turn somewhere…..
"Is that it?" Came the small voice below him.
Ginta glanced down and followed her arm and pointing finger to a cozy sized hot spring. Unfortunately it appeared to have already taken in a few guests. Several monkey waded in the water, letting out an occasional irritating screech. Stopping and landing Kagome on her feet, the wolf easily scared of the invasive animals, rudely jumping in the middle of the water and swatting at them until they clamored out and took off into the woods.
Placing his fists on his hips, Ginta looked pleased with his masculine work. Turning away from his victory he ran a hand through the steaming spring surrounding him. It really was nice; maybe it was a good idea, after all. With that in mind he brought his hands to his fur vest and began removing the soaking clothing.
Redness spread throughout Kagome's face at the sight. He didn't really think he was bathing with her, did he! Bathing in the same room was one thing, but in the same bath? She gulped down her embarrassment and cautiously pushed down her winter pants and pulled off her many multi-colored sweaters. He obviously didn't think her female enough to worry about so why should she concern herself over modesty? That thought made to reassure her only brought back the dark feelings of sadness and heartache.
Finally completely nude, Kagome turned towards the spring only to find Ginta already laid back lazily against the side, his head leaned languidly back, his arms stretched out on either side of him. Hearing her footsteps his head came up to smile cheerily at her, encouraging her into the water. Thinking about giving away modesty ingrained from childhood and actually doing it were apparently two totally different things, thought Kagome as she stared sheepishly at the ground, using her bundle of bathing necessities to cover her breasts. She moved the other hand to her lower vital area, the same bright red glare tarnishing her pale cheeks. Putting the clutter aside for the moment she noticed stepping into the water did calm her a bit. In an instant the heat chased away all cold from her toes all the way up to her calves.
Sighing pleasurably she immediately lowered herself into the water, hissing slightly at the sudden overwhelming temperature. A small smile wormed its way over her lips as she lay back against the side opposite of Ginta. For the first time in a long while she felt totally comfortable, no cold, no hunger. Hunger... At the mention of it Kagome's eyes went back to her package. Forgetting the male in the relatively small hot spring she turned around and began to ferret about. Her smile brightened at her find, pulling out a tied cloth full of various pieces of meat. Suddenly she felt a warmer presence at her back looming over her.
"Oi! You brought food!" Ginta exclaimed happily hovering over her shoulder.
Kagome felt as if she would die from the fire scorching her from the inside out. She gulped slowly and nodded, pleased with his praise. Putting it on the area on the floor between him she leaned on her elbows parting the cloth fully revealing their snack. Ginta immediately propped himself up next to her waiting politely for her invitation to share.
"You didn't eat before you went so I thought you might be hungry." She explained.
It was as though a gun had gone off and his hand instantly dove for a piece of the frozen substance. She looked at him strangely when he dipped it in the hot spring for a moment before popping it into his mouth and reaching for another. After observing him repeat the process with a few more chunks, Kagome was inclined to do the same. The frozen meat was good but the hot spring warmed it up and made it practically melt in her mouth.
Kagome loved to eat. She wasn't one of the calorie counters that would stare with barely restrained lust at a cheeseburger. And if it weren't for those same calories she doubted she would ever stop eating. She loved the feeling of tastiness in her mouth so much it was like a drug. When she first began eating in the Songoku Jidai she had been repulsed by the taste of the primitive food. But ever since she came to live with Ginta she found she had an acquired taste for fresh roasted meat. Even if it was frozen, fresh, roasted meat.
She found that her embarrassment floated away and she was able to be at ease with Ginta again. The warmth that surrounded her seemed to box all her worries.
"You've been quiet lately, Nee-san." Ginta commented conversationally.
Kagome paused the food's quest for her mouth before shrugging. "I just haven't had much to say, I guess."
"You've been acting odd too." He stated, not intruding but curious.
"It's probably just the winter days affecting my mood." She lied.
Ginta nodded. "I thought that was it but I wasn't sure. You aren't still worrying over my illness are you?" He questioned.
Kagome shook her head. "Iie, though I think I still have the right to do that." She stated glancing at him out of the corner of her eye.
"Hai, if you want, but you're going to make yourself sick." He warned.
"I already told you that I stopped worrying over it." She repeated halting when her hand patted at an empty cloth.
Ginta stared sadly at the barren nap sack almost as if just willing it to magically reappear would actually bring all the frozen morsels back. A disappointed sigh shattered the silence when the natural laws of the universe refused to do his bidding. Folding his arms in front of him he gently laid his chin down on his forearms, idly staring at the ground absentmindedly.
Kagome yawned turning around to lean her back against the spring wall and let her head lay against the ground, the heated water making her lightheaded and languid. "Ginta?"
"Hm?" He questioned at her sudden address.
"Do you miss Hakkaku?"
The mention of his beloved friend brought the forlorn loneliness to replace the disappointment. He truly did. "Of course…" He said quietly wondering what the spiky haired youkai was doing at that moment.
"You two have been together forever, haven't you." It wasn't really a question.
Ginta nodded, not taking into question the fact that she couldn't see him. She didn't need to.
"I bet you guys have never actually been apart." She sounded as though she were talking more to herself than to him.
"Never…." Ginta murmured dejectedly again more to himself than to her. It made him homesick all over again.
"You love him, don't you." Kagome opened her eyes a little, letting them rest but allowing her to see the grey sky, the turning and twisting of the mist colored clouds, at the same time.
He turned to lay on his cheek instead of his chin, so he could get a better look at her. She wasn't even staring in his direction; it made him wonder whether or not she had forgotten his presence all together. "Of course, why wouldn't I?"
"I was just thinking. I've never had a relationship like that with someone. To have grown up with them, to watch them go through the same things as me, to have my life so intertwined with theirs. So intertwined that the line between us would be almost indecipherable." She was almost whispering to herself. "I have a brother, but I more raised him than had an actual sibling relationship. I just couldn't imagine the other half of me being torn away so abruptly."
"I'm three parts." He corrected distractedly.
Kagome nodded in acknowledgment. "And with neither of them here there's so little left of you now." Her voice was soft, like the steam slowly gathering around them. "I couldn't imagine……."
Ginta closed his eyes. Why was she making him think these things? It was a while before she spoke again and he had hoped she was through with this mental grave digging.
"I want to tell you a story, Ginta."
His eyes opened suddenly interested. Watching her face he noticed how relax it looked, her shoulders sagging against the damp stone, her neck arched back, face towards the sky, half lidded eyes gazing off into something he couldn't see. She looked as peaceful as he had ever seen her. Making his cheek comfortable against his forearms, he waited patiently for her to continue.
"I remember, I think I was fourteen at the time, reading a book. I had gone to the library to finish a project on our ecosystem." She missed the blank look on Ginta's face. "There was barely anyone there. I was the only one in the science section. I took my books and was looking for a place to put them down and start reading in peace. The only place I could find was near the foreign import section. I laid my research material on the table and sat down to begin reading. When I put my feet down I noticed that I kept kicking something. When I looked down, there was a book lying underneath my table. I looked around to see if anyone was there that might have left it. When I didn't see anyone I picked it up. I don't even remember reading the title, all I remember is the picture on the front. A boy and a girl, or a man and a woman, however you want to see it, lay naked on top of a bed, both were on their sides just sleeping next to one another, facing each other. They looked like they were either in their late teens or really early twenties but they looked so innocent like toddlers, sleeping like that. The book was a translation of the original written in French. France is a place very far away. The book was a dirty book, I knew I shouldn't be looking at such things but I couldn't stop myself. They were naked but looked so innocent, as if they didn't even realize they were like that. I forgot all about my project and started reading. Want to know the story?" She asked, turning her head to him curiously.
He was a little startled at her abrupt turn but quickly regained himself and nodded, eager for her to continue. She turned her head back and looked as though she forgot him again.
"It was about a brother and a sister, twins, Mattia and Fabiena. That's who was on the cover. I remember being disgusted when I found out, but it was like watching a fatal accident, no matter how horrifying it is, part of you is fascinated and you can't turn away. Anyways, they lived in France with their English mother and French father during the 1960's" she stopped and again turned to Ginta to see his puzzled face. "Never mind that, anyways they lived with their parents. Their parents were always traveling, never staying home with them, always just packing up and leaving them with a few checks to take care of everything. They were always alone; they didn't really have anyone but each other. I remember the sister never went on dates, it's like everyone else was inferior to them, they lived in their own little world together. One day an American boy, Thomas, about their age, came to study in France and met Fabiena. He liked her a lot and I think she was more amused by him than in love with him. So she invited him to stay. Mattia accepted him, kind of reluctantly though, and the parents went on another trip and left them alone again. I remember Fabiena and Mattia had something like their own little 'political order', they had bizarre games they would play" she said, saying games as if it were something dirty. "They started to kind of 'merge' with Thomas, letting him play their dirty games and saying that he was one of them. Thomas was grateful; he started feeling like he was a part of their world, a part of their own little order. He even fell in love with Fabiena. Fabiena called him her 'great love.' One night, Thomas asked Fabiena to go somewhere with him to be alone, without Thomas. She was scared, she had never been without him before, but agreed. I don't know whether Mattia was angry or hurt by it. When they came back, Fabiena found feminine clothes laying about that weren't hers. She heard sounds coming from Mattia's room. Thomas tried to console her, they went into her room and he said that he was honored because he felt like he had been accepted into her holy sanctuary. She told him she loved him, and just when she did she heard the noises from Mattia's room again. She started to cry inconsolably and ran to his door, pounding on it and shouting his name, but he never answered. Thomas went to put his arms around her but she screamed at him to get out of her room and leave her alone. He left and she just continued to pound on Mattia's door, and he never answered. I think he was punishing her for leaving him alone. That's scary isn't it?" She didn't wait for a reply. "Anyways, things went back to normal, though something was going on between Mattia and Thomas. There was a rift between them now that Thomas was in love with Fabiena. He was upsetting their order. I remember Mattia telling Thomas that he and Fabiena were one. Two halves of the same whole. If she had been born a man she would have been Mattia. Fabiena and Mattia had forgiven each other and had invited Thomas to play in their dirty games again. They were lying strewn and naked in the living room when their parents came back. They saw them, still sleeping. The parents didn't wake them up, just stared at them horrified for a while before leaving them another check and just like that, going away again. Fabiena was the first to wake up and see the check. She was beside herself and attempted to kill herself but Mattia and Thomas woke up in time to stop her. She told them what happened and they quickly got dressed thinking of what to do. Thomas said they should talk to their parents, that he would help them. Mattia said they had to go away, they had to take the check and leave. They were on the street, arguing. Thomas said that he couldn't throw his sister's life away like that and Mattia kept saying they shared one life. Thomas turned to Fabiena and she just looked at him sadly and took her brothers hand. Then they left Thomas. Just like that." She muttered the last part.
When she was finally done, all Ginta could do was stare at her. It was an amazing story though he didn't know exactly what made her think of that. All of the sudden Kagome turned her head to him gazing at him quietly, staring through his eyes.
"Fabiena loved Thomas, but love was just too small compared to what she and Mattia shared. The book wasn't about the taboo between them; it was about loving a person so much its indefinable. Mattia and Fabiena were one; Thomas could never be a part of that no matter how much they let him in. Mattia never forced her to do anything, his decisions were her decisions. Their entire lives were so intertwined it formed one string. Cut it and they both die. I remember being sickened and awed by the book at the same time when I had finished it. I couldn't help but wonder what that kind of love would be like. What it would feel like to be two people in one. To be three people in one." She said observing him with a softness he couldn't fathom. "I've never told anybody about that book, before." She whispered.
"It was a good story." He murmured, still in awe at the entirety of it. He felt a scorching hand gently lay against his temple affectionately. His eyes met hers briefly.
"You're so small now, aren't you." It wasn't a question.
He could feel her peeking into his soul and wondered if she was possessed. What brought on such a change? But it was like she said, it was like watching a fatal accident, no matter how horrifying, you can never look away. "I'm trying to gather myself." He explained sadly.
"There's nothing left to gather."
"There's always something."
"Maybe you're gathering the wrong things then."
Ginta turned his head away from her, standing up, reaching for a dry piece of cloth and began to towel off. "It's getting late, we should go." He said with the same politeness she had become so accustomed to.
Kagome watched him with miserable eyes as he left to herd up his clothes, the cold not affecting him in the least. She sat there dripping in the water, vulnerable and feeling so broken. She watched her fraction of a man pull his fur on, completely oblivious to her presence. What had made her do that? What had made her think of that horrible book! Where was her mind these days? Clasping her arms around her she retrieved the fur blanket and did her best to dry off with it. Staying as close to the heat of the spring as she could she dressed and once again shrugged the dry side of the blanket over her shivering body. Her senses gradually began to come back to her and brought a new shame with them. It was like awakening from a drunken fog. What was the matter with her! Ginta must have thought she had gone insane! Turning her head she caught him looking at her expectantly. Hurrying to grab the rest of their things she walked back over to him. He knelt a little, signaling for her to climb onto his back. She was cold but did so anyway.
-Flashback-
"I don't think he's really accepted the fact that Kouga's gone and that's probably going to hurt him later."
-End Flashback-
She realized then how screwed up they both were. She and Ginta. Something was wrong with him and like a parasite it had somehow wormed into her, and she seemed to be the only one who realized it. They couldn't live like this, they were killing each other. They weren't themselves; this parasite was eating them from the inside and molding them into something else. Laying her cheek against the wolf's back she held him a little tighter. They were killing each other. Ginta was starving himself and her too. The room was spinning and she wanted it to stop. The Gods weren't here anymore. They were in a faithless place, a place they couldn't touch. They were on their own and Ginta had separated them both. The couldn't survive like this.
"Daijobu, Nee-san?" Ginta asked setting her down, seeing her wobble a bit before regaining her feet.
The cave felt colder, larger. "Hai, daijoubo desu." She said dropping her clutter. "I'm going to take a walk." She explained grabbing a torch and sticking it into the dying embers of the morning fire they let stay, after a moment a decent sized flame lapped at the foliage.
"Okay, I'll make the fire tonight then. On your way back could you grab some food from the pools?" He asked crouching down, already starting on the first task at hand.
She nodded not even turning around before she walked down the long tunnel.
Why was it that she had always been a little afraid of this place? Kagome had wandered further into the caves' depths than she had in her entire stay. She was in a new hallway, someplace she hadn't seen before. Not that she was looking around, her eyes stayed focused on the lighted ground in front of her. She hated what these feelings were turning her into. Something had to happen. This had to stop. Love wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be warm, bright, tender, and a whole bunch of other things she just couldn't think of right now.
Kagome stopped as the ground suddenly gave way into steps. Observing them for a moment, her gaze followed them up until she couldn't see them anymore. Watching the crudely carved steps twist and turn up into the darkness she realized she had nowhere else to go but up. The hallway appeared smaller, more closed, almost giving her a claustrophobic feeling. Shaking it off she continued her ascent. Ebony eyebrows drew together in a furrowed frown. She hated this place, she wanted to go home! 'But you can't….' She wanted to see her friends again! 'They're not here anymore…..' She wanted to return to InuYasha! 'You've changed too much for that…' ……..She wanted Ginta to love her back. 'He can't even love himself, how is he supposed love you too?'
The steps gradually began to bleed into an opening above her, like a man hole sized sky light. Kagome stared up into the black speckled sky. The stars shown so brightly. It was one thing she could never get back home, a night sky like this. A slender hand rose up to grasp the edge of the opening and pull herself up and out. Her eyes widened at the sight, looking around at the enormous platform she appeared to have stumbled upon. 'I'm on top of the cliff….' She thought. Pulling her legs up with the rest of her body she stood up turning this way and that, looking at the beautiful scenery. A soft, frigid, breeze whipped her cropped hair about her face, temporarily fraying her vision.
"Well, Hakkaku did say there was a back way." She muttered to herself.
It was like a room, minus the walls and ceiling. Spying the edge brought out a curiosity that just wouldn't leave her until it finally compelled her to walk over to it. Peering down, Kagome almost lost her footing. She was so high up! She felt like an offering to God looking down from its gigantic pedestal. Her hands tightened around the blanket covering her shoulders, suddenly feeling very naked and threatened, like a rabbit in a bears den waiting to be torn to pieces though the mammoth animals were no where in sight. 'How convenient….' The worst part of her mind whispered to her. 'Damare!' She hissed back not able to turn away from the plunging depth.
Though the seed of despair had already been planted in her head. Peering over the edge like this made her remember the time when she was little, how her mother had brought her and a younger Souta to a water park. There had been a huge pool and three diving boards. One was small, the other was medium, and the last one seemed absolutely gargantuan to her. Yet she had still climbed to the top. Now she felt like she was ten again looking over the same diving board, voices from behind urging her impatiently to jump, yet her childish fear kept her back. Kagome's lips stretched into an ironic parody of a smile. She remembered how she had finally jumped. How amazing it felt to finally let go, be free of all the pressure, all the fear, and just let herself fall. She had closed her little eyes and just walked off, letting gravity guide her to the safety of the water below her. She felt so free, like she was flying away, so weightless, so light.
Snapping out of her reverie Kagome was again face to face with the dreadful plummet before her. She had nowhere to go. She could never go back again, and she would never be able to move forward. She was a key stuck in an old lock, not allowed to turn one way or the other, forced to remain absolutely still, caught in this mechanical darkness. Then, everyone was gone. Her friends disappeared, InuYasha was gone, Ginta was gone, Kouga had faded away, and all she could see below her was her mother's smiling face in the water, her arms outstretched to her, telling her it was okay. 'Don't be afraid...' Kagome took a hesitant step forward. 'Turn around…' She obeyed turning her back towards the cliff mountain's edge. 'Close your eyes…' Her eye lids glided shut. 'Take a deep breath…' Kagome swallowed nervously and inhaled. 'Now move backward…' She took the last few steps.
And then she was falling. Kagome's eyes snapped open with a gasp 'What have I done!' before crunching shut again prematurely bracing themselves for the plummet. She had barely begun her descent when she came to an abrupt and jerky stop. Something seemed to had snagged the front of her shirt. Pale lids yanked themselves open to reveal the concerned porcelain face of Ginta, before she was tugged forward back onto the top of the mountain.
"Nee-san! What happened? You almost fell! You need to look where you're going." He scolded, but there was no anger in his voice.
She stared into his worried face, wishing he had let her fall. She would only have regretted it for a minute, compared to regretting not doing it forever. Sure, he was worried now, he was supposed to be, it was his job. But what about tomorrow or the next day. Things would return to hell and he had dragged her back into it. How dare he tease her with his concern when he was just going to tug it back at the last second. Kagome sniffled fighting back angry tears. How dare he! She growled at him yanking her blanket away from her shoulders only to whip it at him furiously.
Ginta reared back, temporarily stunned at the unexpected attack. Just as he regained his bearings he felt her lunge for him, her little fist beating and punching at him. Quickly removing the blanket from his vision he was welcomed by an enraged Kagome scratching and cuffing any body part within reach. Shaking off his shock his hand darted up to grab at her wrists, his legs now having to dodge her flurry of frustrated kicks.
"Chotto matte! What's the matter with you!" He managed to yelp out, wincing when one of her covered feet made connection with his knee.
Jerk! How dare he! He hated her, why wouldn't he just act like it! Stop playing these horrible little games with her! No more politeness, no more keeping her at bay with false luke warm acceptance, no more formality. She would beat it out of him if she had to! He should thank the Gods that he didn't have a subduing rosary!
"Baka! Chikusho! Kono! Ike!" She spat, furious tears running down her cheeks, the fight beginning to wane from her and replace itself with inconsolable grief. She sniffled, her frame going slack, feeling weak and miserable, her wrists still in Ginta's grasp.
Said youkai now stared wide eyed at her in complete bewilderment. His body sported a few good scratch marks and his hair was in disarray from her hand managing to get at it. He blinked at her still having no idea what to do with the sobbing miko wobbling at her feet before him. What was that all about! Had she gone absolutely insane! What was with her! Regaining his composure but now having the good sense to be weary of her temper he watched her freely weeping face trying his best to comfort her yet be careful of her at the same time.
"Nee-san? What's the matter?" He asked, using his best gentle voice. No telling what would set her off.
She looked at the man before her trying to regain her breath before throwing herself at him, her arms coming up to wrap around his neck as she sobbed into his collar bone. "Don't hate me anymore, Ginta! I can't stand it!" She managed through her cries.
Ginta hesitated before awkwardly wrapping his arms around her waist, confusedly giving her a consoling pat to the back. What was she talking about? He wracked his brain, trying to think and comfort the distressed girl at the same time.
-Flash back-
"Do you hate me?" She asked in a small quiet voice. She stared up at him both fearing and dreading the answer, but needing to know it just the same.
He didn't look at her as she probably wanted him too. He looked into his lap and then at the window before whispering a determined "Hai."
-End flash back-
Was that was she was talking about? Was she still thinking about that? "Is that what's been bothering you?" He questioned curiously.
Kagome took in a ragged breath, nodding sorrowfully into his neck, before crying. "I have nobody, Ginta! You're all I have anymore and you can barely stand to talk to me! Don't you think I'm mourning Kouga too? But at least I'm dealing with it! I'm healing from it, Ginta! Doing this is helping me! But you won't even think about it, like that will just make it all go away! You just go from day to day, alone! How can you do that with me here, Ginta? How can you bare it, because I know that I can't anymore! We're both alone now, and until Hakkaku comes back we're all we have and you won't even recognize it!"
Ginta listened to her with wide eyes. She was talking nonsense, this was ridiculous. But his arms grasped her tighter, whether it was so comfort her or himself he didn't know.
"You call me sister, but you treat me like an unwanted house guest. You try to be polite and force your kindness but you don't mean it! I know you don't! You said it from the very day you came for me! How do you think I feel knowing that every single day! You call me your sister, why can't you at least love me like that?" She whimpered the last part, her hands falling weakly from his neck to clutch at his furred vest.
The wolf held her tight in his grasp. She was wrong, she was wrong about everything! He didn't hate her; he didn't do any of those things she said. Ginta gulped feeling shaky as he continued to pet her back soothingly. Bringing a cautious clawed hand up to cup her wet cheek he watched her piteously. She looked so sad. "Nee-san-" He started before his eyes caught something. Ginta's head darted up away from her confused face. There Kouga stood right behind her, watching him menacingly. His arms crossed over his proud chest. His ice colored eyes daring and intimidating. Ginta yelped, abruptly shoving the startled girl violently away from him in his surprise.
Kagome gasped, feeling the brute force of his strength fling her away, right over the mountain edge. She let out a frightened scream before plummeting into the fatal drop.
Ginta barely had time to watch Kagome fly right threw the haunting image as it disappeared before realization of what he had done hit him like a kick in the gut. Diving for the edge he almost hurled himself over it with her. One arm darted out frantically, scarcely able to manage to snag her ankle, while the other one grasped the ledge firmly anchoring him to the top.
Kagome was practically hyperventilating, the drop seeming to have lasted 3 years instead of 3 seconds until it came to an erratic halt with her staring upside down at the horizon. 'He pushed me………he actually pushed me….' She thought numbly, almost not feeling herself beginning to be pulled up by the ankle.
When her body was safely over the ledge and onto the top she was able to finally see her attempted murderer. She watched him with wide cautious eyes that mirror his own. He stared at her wildly, his own fear shaking his lanky frame. His dotted eyes held the same spastic look he possessed before all of this had happened, she would have believed that he became the same Ginta he used to be were it not for the touch of insanity that flickered behind them.
She was afraid of him. He knew that the instant he pulled her back over and got a good look at her face. She obviously didn't want to show it but it was there. Oh Gods, what had he done? What had he done? What had he done? What had he done? He almost……Shaking hands of claws abruptly yanked her to him, wrapping themselves convulsively around her, his face burying itself in her hair. She lay slack in his arms and it made it that much more real. "G-gomen nasai, Gomen nasai, Nee-san. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh Gods I'm sorry!" He muttered wildly into her hair over and over again, holding her like a porcelain boa constrictor.
But she didn't feel a thing. She was numb. Completely and totally numb. To it all. 'He pushed me….' It was all she could think of. And just like that she was back. Her mind with all its senses was back. Like that one shove had hurled her back into herself, that one shove had blown away the fog that had so hazed her mind. Something was wrong with him. Something was wrong with the once friendly youkai that was now clinging to her like a scared little child after a horrible nightmare. She guessed she had never truly believed it until now. She never knew how bad it was.
-Flash back-
"I don't think he's really accepted the fact that Kouga's gone and that's probably going to hurt him later."
-End flash back-
Gentle arms rose from the constrictor like grip and crossed themselves around his shoulders to hold him in a mother's embrace. One hand cradled his back while the other ran soothing fingers through his coarse, two-toned hair. She kissed the top of his head and gazed down at the monster she loved. "Don't be afraid. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath." She whispered softly to him.
'Things will be right again, someday. Bad days can't last forever.'
Ok I wanna talk about why it usually takes me a while to dish out a chap. Well basically it's the whole pacing problem. There is a certain number of major events that has to happen in this story, but I've gotta make decent transition chapters for them because if I put them all together the story is just bogus and looses any sort of time and reason. This story is taking place of a decent period of time and I have to make you guys feel that, because if I put in whatever I want to put in it's gonna seem like this all happens in like the span of one day. And I hate stories that do that 2 me. Yeah I hate going slow but I'm gotta pace myself and it sucks. But believe me it's for your own good. I think one of those major event things is going to happen in the next chapter guys, that's where it happens I believe. Oh yeah, and the whole story of Fabiena and Mattia is taken from a certain movie, I changed the names of course. If anyone can remember the move u r fuckin awesome. That movie was so incredibly amazing and it just connected with my whole story,ya kno? R&R pls, I'm not just saying this to take up word count.
Chotto matte – wait a minute
Baka! - idiot
Chikusho! - beast
Kono! - jerk
Ike! - freak
