Monday, February 16, 1998.

22:13 (10:13 pm)

Haru came by today. Actually, he left on Saturday, but got lost again. Stupid cow. Supposedly, he came by to challenge me to a fight, but ended up trailing after that Damn Rat all day. I really hate it when he does that. I mean, it's not like I care what goes on in Haru's head (whoa, scary thought), but at the very least he could stop pretending to care about spending time with me. It's just pathetic. Haru used to be my best friend. My only friend, actually. When we were kids. When his parents brought him to Sensei to try and calm his anger. His anger was a whole lot like mine. Explosive and unpredictable. Except, I've kinda mellowed a lot lately. I guess that's a good thing. My cousins see it as such, but it's really resignation more the anything. I've resigned myself to the fate of all Cats that are born to this family.

Hatsuharu hated that Damn Rat even more than I did at the time. I was to busy hating the world to focus on one person. But Haru blamed all of his difficulties on the Rat. He hated him so much that his anger split, he couldn't contain it all. So, Black Haru was born. I like it when Haru goes Black. It reminds me of when we were kids, before he became enamored with that Damn Rat. Whenever Haru and me are together, I do my best to drag him out. I'm actually surprised that no one guessed that that was what I was trying to do. I guess they just thought that Kyou was being stupid again. Tch. Black Haru is a bastard. But, admittedly, he's a funny bastard. He's someone that doesn't mind lashing out as I do. Black Haru and I connect in a way that I don't with anyone else. He's family.

He doesn't accept me, though. He does more than anyone, besides Tohru, that is. That's because he understands me the most. But he's never gone as far in his thoughts as I. All that he needed was to vent at the Damn Rat once and all his anger disappeared. That was the day he started following him around like some demented puppy. That was the day that I really started to hate Yuki.

Haru stopped hanging around me as much after that. It was as if I had been replaced. And I had been replaced so very easily. I didn't cry. Even though I was only seven years old at the time. I felt this sort of calm descend upon me. An understanding. The Cat does not belong. Neither with humans or the Zodiac. The Cat will always be left out. I ran away for nearly a week that time. Sensei was the one to find me, was always the one to find me.

And don't even get me started on Kagura. That girl has a straight-jacket with her name on it. She says she loves me. (That just gave me the shivers) But I know it's a lie. Don't even ask me why she even likes me. She's just one of those people that finds a stray animal that no-one cares about and wants to take care of it, but ends up killing it because of being too enthusiastic. Ooh yeah. That is so like her. I just can't stand her. I mean, she's okay when she's… not there. Shigure always says that it's her way of showing affection. I just wish that she'd switch places with Haru in that. Oh, now that's a wonderful image; Kagure chasing Yuki down in a fit of overwhelming "love." I think I'll store that image away.

I'm outside on the roof right now. Like I said, Haru came to visit today. He came to "fight." I put him off until Black Haru came out and we fought. I won. Although, Haru quit after being knocked back to White. He always does that. Damn Rat. Then he went and followed Yuki around, looking for all the world as Kisa did when she first met Tohru. Only Yuki didn't turn around and declare his undying love for him. Oh. Bad thought.

As soon as Haru got distracted by that Damn Rat, I felt ill, so I came up here. That was several hours ago. It's a nice night. It's so clear that I can see Jupiter. I know all of the constellations and the stories behind them. I read it in a book somewhere. I like the stars. So many flickering dots, trying their best to remain alight while surrounded by suffocating darkness. Sometimes, I see a star fade. I saw a star fade tonight, actually. I always feel a piece of me die whenever I see that. It hurts. I don't know why.

Tohru's probably going to bring up some kind of snack later. Unless she's forgotten. I wouldn't be surprised, even if that is not like her. Why would anyone remember the Cat. I didn't show up at dinner tonight. I am not hungry. Just that image of Haru mooning over that Damn Rat over the dinner table makes me sick to the stomach. I bet the only person who noticed my absence was Tohru. Unless they distracted her, which was likely.

Shigure, I never know what to make of. He's a pervert, simple enough. But there are times when he projects this dark aura that makes my hair stand on end. I know he keeps a lot of secrets. It's none of my business, though. He's a manipulative bastard. He manages to fool even that Damn Rat with his fool-hearty, perverse-ness while all the while he's edging us towards some unknown goal.

Like the time when he tricked me into taking the entrance exam to High school. He had said, "Yuki passed this easily, getting one of the best scores in the history of the school. Isn't that incredible?!" Of course, I had to show him up. More than anything, I wanted to prove that I was not stupid. That is why I didn't think to blow the test. If I had done so then the insults would be more vicious. So I took the damn test. I received top marks too. Not as high as Yuki, of course, because when has the Cat ever beaten the Rat? That pissed me off even more. I was furious that I had been tricked into going to High school. Not only High school, but co-ed High school. This meant girls went there too. And I was going to the same school as that Rat. Which also meant that I would be stuck in the Damn Fucker's shadow twenty-four hours a day. I wish I hadn't taken that test.

The only people that know about my test scores are Sensei and Shigure. Neither has told anyone though. Not that I care. I asked them not to. Shigure hasn't even told Akito. I don't know why. I don't understand him. I think he likes being unpredictable, even when he's being predictable, ya know? I think I sort of do understand Shigure, in a weird way. I don't understand why he does things, but I think I sort of understand how he thinks to do things. Or not. I don't know. I think I'm just confusing myself. Okay, moving on.

I forgot where I was going with this. Oh yeah. So, when Haru came over today, he gave me a message from Hatori. I guess I have an appointment or something tomorrow. Why he didn't call, I have no idea. Most of the family don't know this, but I have bi-monthly checkups with Hatori. It's not that I am or was sick or anything like that Damn Rat, it's that Hatori wants to keep an eye on my Zodiac form. Before Sensei took me training in the mountains, I kinda got…overzealous once. That's how Sensei found out about my problem. Well, I kinda over bled or something and transformed into my cat form. A cat really can't afford to lose that much blood, ya know? So, well, I'm not really sure how to explain it, so I'll just put down what happened.

When I had woke, the first thing I had seen was the cold, white ceiling of Hatori's office. I had been placed on his medical bed, a thin sheet spread over me. I felt really woozy, everything fuzzy and uncertain. It made it very hard to think. I found out later that I had also been pumped with pain-killers, which aided in my concentration problems.

"You're awake?" someone said. It was cool voice and clinical. I turned my head to see Hatori watching me with his flat, opaque eyes. His eyes have always creeped me out. They always look so… dead. I opened my mouth to speak but my tongue refused to work. Instead an unintelligible stream of sounds escaped my mouth. If I had been more coherent, I'd have been embarrassed and pissed.

"You've been out for three days," he said. I had trouble understanding what he said. I had been somewhere? Where had I gone? I really had no memory of…anything. I sort of blacked out again after that. When I came to again I was more coherent and flatly refused any more painkillers. I hate the way that stuff messes with my head. After I became more like myself, and driving both Hatori and Sensei up the wall on the way (They made me stay in bed and I hate being forced to remain in one place for long), Hatori made me tell him things.

"How long?" was his first question.

I scowled down at my bandaged legs. It was going to be hard to walk for a while, given the thickness of the bandages. "'Bout a year," I muttered. I heard Sensei's gasp to the right of me, where he sat by the cabinet. Hatori's eyes narrowed slightly, his only sign of distress or whatever.

"Care to explain why?"

I shrugged, picking at the edges of the bed sheet. How was I to explain…? How was I supposed to explain the deep, overwhelming despair that dampens everything out until the only thing that gets through is the sharp, bright pain of a blade slitting skin? The pressure of living was just too much. The looks I received everyday cut me like no blade could. The fear, the loathing, all of which only added to the mound that pressed me further down until a blade was my only solace. How was I supposed to explain the unexplainable?

"I dunno."

"Kyou…" Hatori began, but cut himself off. He stared down at his clipboard. For the first time, he seemed at a loss. So, he switched subjects. "As you are aware, when our bodies are under too much stress we transform into our Zodiac forms. You are also aware that you've always been more in tune with your Cat soul than the rest of us." I nodded faintly. It was true. Most of the Zodiac members take on characteristics of their animals, but none as much as me. I think it's because of the creature hidden by my prayer beads. So, none of this was news to me. Hatori went on,

"When you transformed as a result of your body's weakness, the trauma caused you and the Cat's spirit to merge even more."

"What?!"

"I am not certain how this occurred. I'm am also uncertain how this will affect you. So-"

"How can you even tell?!" I demanded. This guy was full of shit! What does he mean mine and the Cat's soul merged?! How can souls merge?!

"I can tell," he said flatly. "I can see it." His cold, opaque eyes met mine and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise.

I bristled. "What the hell are you staring at!?"

"I'm going to run some tests," Hatori continued, ignoring me. "In the meantime, I want you to remain here, regardless, for at least another week until I deem you healthy enough to leave. Do you understand?"

I bared my teeth. "Yes," I hissed. I hated the idea of remaining under the unnerving gaze of the doctor, yet, one pleading look from my Sensei told me to grimace and bare it. So, I did. As it turned out, Hatori was right. As always. Somehow, I was even more cat-like than before. In little ways. Like my nose was more sensitive and my ears twitched slightly when I was annoyed. I was also flightier, in that I was more quick to anger than before, which was a scary thought, even to me. Sensei also told me that when I got overly excited that my pupils occasionally changed into slits. I am still not sure how I should react to all of this. I mean, while a lot of this causes a negative impact on me in a lot of ways, like making it harder to keep this curse a secret from normal people, but it also helped me in a big way. For some reason, my depression was a whole lot easier to bare. Sure, there are times when I stare at the edge of a blade for some time, but I always put it away, disgusted with myself. Perhaps the Cat's instincts of self-preservation are one of the things that rubbed off on me. Whatever the reason, I'm sort of glad it happened.

After Hatori released me, Sensei took me out into the mountains for four months to get me used to my new instincts and to help me find a balance. I'm still not sure I've found one. Shigure tells me that I'm too recluse, that I need to spend more time with people, but that thought always makes my hair stand on end. When I spend time with people, I feel more human, more myself, but a part of me yearns for the quiet solitude of the roof, or someplace where I could stare at the sky. When I get angry, my feline instincts come out and my more human part gets caught up in the surge of strange emotions and sensations. It's very odd.

I thought that with my new instincts and my intensive training with Sensei, that I would be able to beat that Damn Rat once and for all. I was wrong. Again.

Oh. Here's Tohru with some rice balls. I might write again later. If I feel like it.

23:20 (11:23 pm)