February 18, 1998.
22:38 (10:38pm)
I've figured out something about Tohru.
It's not very good. I hate it when I think too much. Because then my thoughts circle around until they reach a point where the only place to go is in. 'In' is dangerous, because then you think all sorts of things you wish you didn't think.
This was one of those times.
I was replaying one of my happier memories. When Tohru first said she liked me.
Correction: She said she liked the Cat of Zodiac. Thrills. She likes the thing I hate the most. She likes what I have been practically disowned because of. Almost everyone I have ever known has hated the Cat. I have always wanted someone to look past all of that. I wanted someone to see me.
I thought Tohru was that someone.
But while I was replying her words, "I have always loved the Cat from the Zodiac..." a realization came to me as sudden as a two-by-four to the back of my head. She has always loved the Cat. The Cat.
I have always been called the Cat, the Stupid Cat, the Cursed Cat, and all sorts of worse names all centered around the Cat all my life. So the thought of the Cat and I being of one name is something I always accepted. Just a few hours ago I was thinking up on the roof again (and freezing my ass off) and I discovered how much I want someone to like me. To accept me as I am. I don't care if they accept the Cat or the creature behind my beads, I just want someone who can accept just me.
Tohru doesn't do that.
Well, that's not really her fault. It's not like she knows about my beads. No one's told her and I really don't want her to find out. Why? Because I know that if she finds out she'll hate me. No, wait, that's not her. If she just hears about it she'll be all, "Oh, okay, Kyou," in that slightly air-headed way of hers when she doesn't understand but knows we don't want to talk about it. But if she ever sees it... she'll be just like everyone else. I don't know what I'll do then.
What I hate most about this situation with Tohru, with Akito allowing her to remain living here with the knowledge of our secret, is that I know Akito is up to something. I think that he's waiting for her to find out about my beads. I think he's just looking for an excuse to lock me up.
As if he needs one.
The last time I met with Akito, damn, it must have been seven years ago, we met in a place outside the Inner area of the Main House. That's because I'm not allowed in there. Because I'm the Cat. I've snuck in loads of times, though, when I was a kid. I've long lost interest in it, it's really boring in there. Everyone inside is stupid.
Akito was taunting me as he loves to do with all of the Family. I suppose I should explain something at this point. It is tradition that the Cat be placed in a separate house when they reach eighteen. This is not as happy as it sounds. They put the Cat in a tiny house about five feet high and six across. There is no door, but one window which faces North.(1) The Cat remains there for the rest of his or her life.
Now, Akito knows how terrified I am of being locked up. Hell! Anyone would be scared shitless! Since my birthday is during the school year, he as agreed to let me remain free until I graduate. Furthermore, he offered me a bet. If I were able to beat Yuki in a fight before my eighteenth birthday, I would remain free.
I accepted. Hell, how could I not!? This was my chance! The chance that would allow me to be accepted as a member of the Zodiac, that the Cat is not a monster that needs to be locked away.
That was the day that I began trying to beat Yuki in earnest. Every time I saw that smug expression on his face I saw red. He's always mocking me! Taunting me with the fact that I haven't been able to beat him, hell, even lay a fucking hand on him! He knows that if I don't beat him I'll be locked away forever! I'll bet he relishes that thought. I'll bet he sits up at night laughing to himself at me. Damn Rat.
Maybe I should just run away. I could live in the mountains again, like I did with Sensei. He'd probably find me, Sensei, I mean. He'd want to take me back. If I could somehow convince him....but no. Sensei is devoted to the Family. His decision to take me in after my mother died was to ease his own guilt, it had nothing to do with me. Which was probably why I went with him. Oh, I know he cares about me now. Not that I understand why or anything. Still, he was raised to the traditions of our family and he has never disobeyed an order.
I don't think I'm ready to talk about that.
22:47 (10:47pm)
(1)in Feng Shui it is believed that the chi Yin (good chi) comes up from the south while the Yang (bad chi) comes from the North.
("Happy birthday" Helena-Ryou-Weasly! Lots of thanks to reviewers! Luv ya!)
