February 19, 1999

17:22 (5:22pm)

Blahblahblah. There! I wrote something! Are you happy, Hatori! And is it just me, or is February the longest freaking month of the whole damn year!

17:22 (5:22pm)

February 21, 1999

05:30 (5:30 am)

I have this dream. And I ain't talking about some dream crap like that one guy, whats-his-name. I mean, I dunno, like when I get really pissed off, right? And I leave. Sometimes I go to the roof. I like it on the roof. I don't need a ladder and usually the rest of the family wouldn't bother me. Tohru comes occasionally, when she thinks I'm particularly upset. Still, I like the roof because… This is going to sound stupid, but because of the tile. The tile is made out of something that holds in heat really well, so even on a cold day, if the sun was shining the tile would be tolerable. Plus I got a great view. Of the sky I mean, nothing perverted! At night I got a great view of the stars. I would stare up and dream that I was someone else.

In my dream I'd have plain black hair, and maybe dark brown eyes. I'd still do martial arts, and Shishou would be my father. Yuki would be a slut of a girl who got STDs and died. Haru would be my best friend and we'd hang out with the rest of the family on social gatherings. On Christmas, we'd play games. I'd refuse to play until someone, probably Momiji, would drag me in. Hatori would be married to whats-her-face and have twin girls, who for some reason had attached themselves to my side. Ayame, saddened, for some unknown reason, by Yuki's death would become less noisy. He'd marry that assistant of his, while Shigure was out chasing unsuspecting high-school girls and generally being a pain. I dunno why that last. Maybe because something don't change.

I'd have friends at school. I'd be smart. People would like me and listen to me. Tohru's mother would be alive…

It's just a stupid dream.

But still…

05:50 (5:50 am)

15:11 (3:11 pm)

I'm wet. And I'm cold. I'm wet and I'm cold and that DAMN RAT took all the DAMN TOWELS! Haru appeared out of no-where again, this time with Kisa at his heels. Somehow, sometime during their visit there was an impromptu snow fight. Don't ask me how it got started. But it ended up being me and Haru pitted against Tohru and Kisa in an all out snow war. We'd been playing for only about ten minutes. I was …upset because Haru had turned traitor and dumped an armload of snow down my back. That bastard. My yelling and everyone else's laughter brought Yuki out.

Just as he came out I had hurled a glob of snow at Haru, who ducked, and it hit Yuki square in the face.

Oh happy day!

I just laughed my ass off. Yuki got all ticked and was starting forward when another snowball smacked him right upside the head. And who was this person who threw this? Tohru. Aw man, you should have seen the look on his face! It was as if Akito came prancing out in a tutu and started to dance. Somehow, it stopped the Rat from attacking me and Yuki actually joined in the game. On Tohru's side of course.

It was three against two, well, three against three if you counted Black Haru. But Haru was White all day, so I don't. And Yuki hadn't forgotten my hitting him, as I had thought. That bastard managed to get me pinned and bury me in snow. Soaking wet and freezing my butt off, I came inside. But that DAMNED RAT had beaten me to the tub and is currently holding all the towels hostage.

Jeez, it was just an accident. Damn PMS-ing bitch. It was funny as hell, but he doesn't need to go this far.

Oh great, I think I'm getting a cold. I just sneezed. Guh, there I go again. Shit. I probably am getting sick, and its all that damn rat's fault.

If I die, I'm so haunting his ass.

15:41 (3:41 pm)

February 28, 1999

18:06 (6:06 pm)

Have I mentioned how much I hate being sick? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate being stuck in bed. I hate having to drink glass after glass of tea crap. I hate it when Tohru has one of her stupid moments and makes me leek soup to make me feel better. I hate it when Shigure tricks me into taking medication. I hate the way the medication makes me feel. But what I hate the most… is that when I'm sick I feel the most pathetic. When Tohru was sick she practically had the entire family banging at her door. When Shigure's sick, he has Ayame and Hatori visiting him. Yuki? Yuki has Haru and Tohru, Hatori, practically the whole family camped outside his room. When I'm sick, no one visits. When I was little, Sensei would stay up with me, reading to me. That was okay. Tohru and Shigure just come in, force feed me crap, interrogate me on how I feel, then leave me alone. I think that last is Shigure's doing, him thinking that I want to be left alone.

I do, of course.

After a week it gets kind of… lonely. I'm sick of reading. I swear if I have to read one more romance novel Shigure so kindly forces onto me, I'm going to go down to his study and vomit all over his desk.

March 4, 1999

20:42 (8:42 pm)

HELLYEAH! FEBRUARY IS OVER!

20:42 (8:42pm)

March 13

22: 52 (10:52 pm)

I've been so busy lately. With exams around the corner at school the teachers have been forcing work down our throats. Shigure wants us to help clean the house. Spring cleaning, you know. So I've been ducking out of the house as much as possible. It's not like I'm avoiding work, its just that I have better things to do. Like napping. Or training.

So I was napping the other day. I was in my tree. There is this lake about a twenty minute walk from the house. I like the lake. I go there when I'm upset or something. I like watching the water, okay!

Anyway. I was sitting in this tree, kinda dozing, when Haru came along. I think he was lost again. He didn't see me at first. I didn't say anything. I really didn't want to deal with him at the moment. He saw me, though, and came to stand at the base of my tree.

Neither of us spoke for a while. I didn't know what to say, really. He seemed content just standing there. Hey, I came here for quiet, not for a fight. And if he's going to be quiet then I have nothing to complain about. Except that I can't relax with him just standing there. What the hell does he want?

"Hatori asked me something the other day," he spoke, startling me slightly. "I found it interesting. When the snow melts what does it turn into?"

I couldn't help but look at him as if he were an idiot. What the hell kinda question is that? At the same time I was suspicious. He said Hatori asked him that, and Hatori knows that snow becomes water when it melts. So it has to be some kind of trick question. For the life of me I couldn't figure it out. Irritated at probably being made a fool of, I snapped, "What kind of stupid question is that! What does it matter? It'll just snow again next year!"

Haru blinked up at me. "That's just like you, Kyou."

I bristled. "What does that supposed to mean!"

Haru didn't respond, turning back to look at the lake. My fingers dug into the branch beneath me.

"You know, you guys have changed."

I felt my eyebrow quirk slightly.

"Before… you two couldn't even be in the same room together without fighting. Now, you fight a lot less. It…makes me happy."

I scowled. Of course, it was about that Damn Rat. Of course he was happy that the Damn Rat wasn't being inconvenienced anymore. They all are a lot happier now. Now that I've almost given up. I've been fighting my whole life. Constantly fighting, anyone would get tired. Not that I've given up. I'll never give up. I'm just… taking a break. That's all.

"In fact, I think Tohru has a lot to do with it. Somehow. Maybe one day you won't fight at all. That thought really… makes me happy."

What?

Haru suddenly tilted his head back, a small smile on his lips. "I think you two are starting to accept each other… if only a little."

I was angry. For some reason, I was furious. I don't remember ever feeling so angry, yet at the same time, so sad. I know Haru doesn't know why I fight with Yuki. Even so, I felt betrayed. I know he likes Yuki more than me. Has this ridiculous crush on him, thinks he's perfect. Just like everyone else. But I've always been stronger than Haru. Its me that Haru always wants to defeat. It's… nice. It almost felt like encouragement. Everyone always told me to stop fighting and Haru encouraged it. As if he knew if I tried hard enough I could beat anything. I could be excepted. I could defeat Yuki. The thought probably never crossed his mind, but it was important to me. And now, it was like he was giving up on me. I feel so betrayed.

I know I push people away. I can't help it. No one has ever really cared for me. I was just the Cat. The Family's metaphorical skeleton-in-the-closet. Yet, even worse than just being the Cat, I was the parentless Cat. There was no one to protect me from their acidic words. I never really knew my father, and my mother died when I was six. I remember standing at the funeral, unable to see her even though I stood right beside her coffin. All I heard were whispers. Crowds parted around me as if they were afraid to touch me. Or disgusted. Lips moved behind hands exchanging stories, tales, lies.

"From what I hear it seems like suicide."

"I guess it was so hard on her having the Cat as a son that she killed herself."

"If only she hadn't had that Cat child."

"The boy doesn't even cry.." "Even though he's the one who pushed her into suicide."

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

"Kyou?" My face was buried in my hands as I fought to control my fury. Its always anger. Because if its not anger its tears. And I can't let them see my tears. I don't care what they think. I don't! I don't care, and it's not my fault!

Not my fault!

"I know."

Shishou…

Hey, I think I'm getting better at this journal thing. I just reread everything I just wrote and I realized that if anyone would read this they'd have enough blackmail to torture me for the rest of my life. But… I don't I want to change it. I kinda like having wrote it.

I don't know why.

Tbc…

I don't often do author's note, because I feel it's a waste of everyone's time and no-one ever reads them. However I want to complain and explain. Sorry this chapter took so long to get out. My last semester was absolute hell. Took me a while to recover, then I've been trying desperately to find a job so I can pay for NEXT semester. Plus my computer LOST half the chapter and I had to rewrite it all again. Which I was VERY upset because I lost a lot of good bits. Buut you got some other good bits out of the situation that I hadn't had before. So you guys lost nothing. I just wasted half a day of my life, that's all. Sorry too that I left it there, but think of it like this. I can't stand leaving a scene half-finished, so that means I'll get out the next chapter much faster.

Next chapter: In Which Gravity Takes Hold, or Snake in the Grass.