Disclaimer: As I've already cleared up, this story, these characters, this entire setting even is not mine. I will remain faithful to what has happened in the TV series.
Author's Note: Okay, you guys are lucky. For a while now, I've been totally slacking on review for my exams. I'm going to do fine, but I will get this fic done when I'm not studying. The other one is also a work in progress... it's nearly finished (the chapter not the fic) so hang in there with me!
Again, I'm totally unoriginal when it comes to what basically happens. All I do is fill in what's in Shelby's mind, and what happens when she's not on screen.
So, we're now two days after that trek through the woods. Not very much has happened since then. Ezra and Kat are out of the infirmary; neither was sick for long. Ezra was a little chilly, but he's over it. Hannah gave him weeding chores for the bridge incident. The rest of us have biology homework, which is ultimately boring. Oh, and I found out that hottie's name is Scott. What a perfect name! I'm sure one day he'll be mine. I just know it. It's like destiny or something.
For now, I've been pondering the idea of my mushrooms. I hope I can get high off them. I need a way to escape the horrible reality that is my life.
"Hey, Ezra," I start as I go to interrupt his chores with my need to get high. "Um, I need a read on these mushrooms. Do they have any hallucinatory promise?" I ask hopefully. Come on! Please say yes!
"Not unless death is a hallucination." What? Death? No! That's not right! "These are autumn skull cap. You eat one, you turn green; you eat two, you turn black." Ew, happy thought indeed. That sucks! Damn it! When'll I be able to get into the woods again? "What you need are some of the glaniacybe species AKA magic mushrooms. Around here you could probably get some of the maricystis species." The what of the what now? Wow, that was confusing! "Pointy tops. But these ain't that." Well, at least I didn't eat them before I asked. Sigh!
"Well, then, I guess I'm glad that I talked to my druggist," I say, patting him on the back. "You missed one." I drop my mushrooms on the ground and get up to leave. At least I'm alive.
I sit down at the table and Auggie shows us all what looks a lot like graffiti.
"Look," he says, apparently proud.
"Cool," Juliette says, looking up from her textbook.
"What is it?" Kat asks, doing the same.
"It is what it is. What it wants to be," Auggie explains.
"What it isn't is biology homework," I reply, putting an end to his showing off. Unfortunately that gave rise to Juliette talking.
"Mitosis. Please tell me my life will never be reduced to mitosis. Is that all we are, a glump of splitting cells?" she asks. I would reply, but Scott just came out of his dorm. Oh my! How to concentrate on bio when he's around? Answer: not possible.
"Speaking of cellular activity," I say, seeing Scott come over.
"Um, I'm supposed to go to Markaisian's office," he says in an "I don't care" voice. Aw! He's so perfect! What is wrong with me? I don't feel this way about guys!
"Administration building," Kat offers.
"I can show you," Queenie says. Wow, talk about subtle! Oh my gosh!
"I'll get there," he replies nonchalantly. Oh! Burn!
"Frank's office. This can only mean one thing," I butt in. "Consequences. You're about to be rewarded for running off." Oh yeah, we all found out about that. It wasn't too hard since Scott wasn't in a great mood and we had our first group with him, which was all about how running away.
"It won't be too bad," Kat said. "Ezra only got weeds for falling off a bridge."
"That was Hannah, not Frank," Princess points out.
"And you were a runner, Ezra was just a faller," I say, giving him my beautiful smile.
"It's gonna be nasty. Frank can be really keen on his consequences," Auggie said.
"Can? Always. We call it 'Let's be Frank about it,'" I say.
"I'll handle it. Thanks," he says, turning and leaving.
"I bet you could handle a lot of things," I say more to myself, than to anyone else. It was said with such a huge smile on my face. I laugh at my obvious giddiness.
"He doesn't like you," Juliette says.
"The day is young," I reply. He will be mine one day! I know it.
After that, Kat just looked at us and rolled her eyes. "Guys, just do the homework."
A little while of homework and I get bored, so I look back up, and... "Betcha can't wait till he breaks a sweat, huh?" I ask, seeing Scott run towards us. Apparently he's running errands for Frank.
"Looks like the new meat's getting his first Horizon lesson," Auggie says, noticing what I'm staring at. "Run, muchacho, run!" he yells out, as Scott runs and jumps over a crouching Ezra.
At this moment, Peter rolls up on his motorcycle with some woman I don't recognize on the bike. I raise my eyebrows and smile and the sight of Peter with a woman.
"My, my, Peter's got himself a motorcycle mama," I point out to the rest of the group seated at the picnic table with me. We all look on and smile. Finally, Kat turns around and gives us a small reproachful look.
"Guys, we've got like five minutes till the ropes course, so finish up and we'll put the stuff in the dorms before leaving," she says.
"Whatever, I'm done," Juliette says.
"Me too," I agree.
"Alright, let's just get down there," Auggie says.
"Well, let's go, I want to get rid of this homework," I say.
What happened while we got to the rope course was very boring. Juliette, Ezra, Kat, and Auggie talked about the bio test we were getting the next class. I was just ignoring them, thinking about my life, and of course, about Scott. For some reason, I just can't get him out of my head. He's so much better than any guy I've known is. I doubt I'm ever going to totally let him go.
Well, here we are at the course. I hate this. Heights and me don't get along. Oh, Scott just got here! Nice.
"Mr. Markaisian told me to report to you," he tells Peter.
"He told you to run?" Peter asks, him and Auggie smiling. "Alright, go put this on. Jules, help him out," he finished, giving Scott a harness and Juliette a questioning look. She just smiled. Why didn't he ask me? I'm good at that stuff!
"Alright, everybody, I want you to the top, and back down again. Okay? Shelby?" Oh, no, what did he say?
"I heard you," I said, guessing at the pep talk we just got. Whatever, I'm not doing that anyway.
"Alright, nothing to be afraid of, just pace yourself. Who's going to be first?" Shit, he saw through that. Well, whatever, I just have to start hiding behind more walls. My defenses are getting weaker, and I don't know why.
"That's me," Auggie says. Here he goes, showing off.
"Aug, step up."
"Show the newbie how it's done, huh?"
"You do that, muchacho," Scott answered back, challengingly. What is it about that guy that's got me so crazy?
"Okay, Aug, go for it," Peter encouraged. As Auggie climbed, which was really fast, everyone cheered him on. Everyone except me. I just remain silent. If I'm silent and keep a blank stare, no one will know what's in my mind. It's my only defense. My only way of staying alone in my messed up life. I don't want to be dragged around in a world of questions and probing. I just want to be left alone.
"Yeah," Auggie says, finishing the course.
"Alright, who's next?" Peter asks. "Scott?" Score! Scott's turn! There he goes. Oh my gosh! Princess is smiling like a maniac. This is too funny. I can't hold in the laughter at her insane giddiness. Man, this is Scott's first time and he's so good. "Good job."
"Not bad, meat," Auggie says as Scott takes off his helmet. They both start sizing each other up. The woman who's with Peter sees this.
"Alpha males," she tells Peter. They both smile. I don't like her too much. She's too much like Juliette: too happy.
"Okay guys, good job," Peter cuts into what has become a huge size-up between Scott and Auggie. "Alright, who's next?" To avoid being picked, I push Ezra forward. He just flies forward. He has no balance and no strength. It was funny. At least it got him to go and not me.
"Ezra. Go!" Peter said, encouraging him. Everyone started cheering.
"You can do it Ezra!" Kat yelled. Then she turned to look at me. "You too," she said softly. It was nice, but I wasn't.
"Hey, I didn't as you to be my cheerleader, okay?" I say. When I see the blonde with Peter turn around to look at me, I get up and leave. I've had enough of this shit. I'm not going to do it. Why give them all false hope that I've grown emotionally or something?
All I hear is Peter yell out "Shelby!" and that's it. I just start running. "Shelby!" he yelled again. Get away! Get away! Get away! No, I can't run! I've run from anything and everything in my life. I'm not running this time. Horizon is all I have. And as much as I hate to admit it, I like it here. But they'll find out! They'll find out and they'll call CPS! And they won't believe me! I'll be sent home to... him! To the monster, the horror, the nightmare! I can't! Just keep running! Keep running!
"Hey, Shelby! Wait up!" I hear that woman yell. Oh no! What does she want? "Shelby!"
"What?" I ask rudely. Maybe she'll get the message. I don't want to talk!
"You got an old soul." A... what?
"Wow, aren't you groovy?" I ask sarcastically.
"A hard shell too: always a good feature in a woman." What's up with her? Why won't she give up?
"Do you work here, or are you just giving yourself for free?"
"I'm just visitor," she says calmly. Ahah! My chance has come!
"From what planet?" I ask, and walk off, leaving her behind. Finally! I'm free!
I just run back to campus. Alright, what do I want to do? I want to bury into a hole, and die. But that's not going to happen. I'm a fighter! I'm going to win this. I'm going to conquer this. The thing is though... how?
I'm too scared. I'm scared of being exposed. I'm scared of him. I'm scared to fall asleep at night. I'm scared of any guy touching me! What the hell is wrong with me? It's his fault! He made me this way, and now I have to live! I have to live with what he did while he just goes about his business? Wow, talk about fairness for you! I'm never going to win over him. I've lost. I've lost this battle a long time ago. The first time I said "no" and he kept going, I lost. The first time! Ever since then, I've won at everything. I'm just so lost all the same. That one loss will haunt me forever. Not cause I lost, but because I lost at that. I lost when I had to be strong. When I needed it, my strength left.
And where was my mother during all of this? She was supposed to protect me! She was supposed to make it all stop! Where was she? I feel so abandoned! That's why I can't trust anyone. I mean, if my own mother couldn't protect me... Oh and here's Peter. I'm sitting on some stairs in front of the admin building. Bushes all around me. I didn't think he'd find me that easy. My head is resting on my crossed arms, which are on my knees. All in all, I'm in a fetal position. I straighten up as he comes closer.
"Got a cigarette?" I ask. Try and lighten the mood. I guess it worked a little. He's probably not the best person to ask though. Nice move, there, Shelby!
"Can't just walk away, Shel." Well that's the only way I know! That's all I've ever learned how to do!
"So I can't scale the heights, we all have our little phobias." Take a hint! I'm not going to talk about it.
"So you're afraid of heights." No, genius, I'm afraid of you! Come on! Think with your head, man! "That's your excuse."
"You tell me. You're the one with the answers, remember?"
"All I know, is that walking away gets you nowhere fast. I want a thousand word essay by tomorrow." What? That's so not fair! What did I do that was so wrong? Whatever might as well get it over with so he'll leave me alone.
"What's the topic?" I ask, smiling.
"Me and my shadow." Oh joy! I can't wait to write this one. I just stare him in the eyes, showing that I'm not afraid of him. It's a blank stare. He won't get anything from it. Suddenly, there's a honking in the background. He turns around, breaks the eye contact and my head sinks back down onto my arms as I see the car pull up. I roll my eyes and then look away. I hear someone approaching.
When her small body stops in front of my face, I look up.
"What are you thinking about?" she asks. She's so cute and innocent, holding her little teddy bear. It's so adorable. She reminds me of me when I was that young and carefree.
"You know anything about shadows?" I ask. It didn't sound too kind, but it was my best at this moment.
"They're dark, hide things: secrets. You have secrets?" she asks sweetly.
"That's my secret," I say with a smile. She smiles back and returns to her mother. My head sinks back onto my arms.
********************************************************************************
Well, now I'm sitting at lunch with Kat and Ezra. I wonder where Queenie is. Actually, scratch that. She's probably barfing her guts up somewhere. And Scott's running around for Frank. Where Auggie is, is beyond me.
"Freakin', um," I start. I ask something about those shrooms. What was he telling me about them? Pointy somethings?
"Freidkin," he replies, aggravated.
"Uh, ya," I dismiss. "Describe to me again those magic shrooms. Points, or?" I look at him all confused.
"Oh, pointy tops. They-they got sorta pointy tops," he explains. Why thank you for that marvelous description there! Wow, that's so precise!
"And, um, you were telling me that they grow around here?" I ask, a conspiratorial air in my voice. This is so much fun!
"Abundantly." Score, score!
"Excellent." I can't wait to find those shrooms. I'll get Scott to get high with me, and we'll have so much fun! Okay, back to this dumbass essay.
"What are you writing?" Kat asks, making conversation.
"Oh, one of Peter's learning tools for not climbing the stupid rope tower again," I explain. Wow, that was oddly nice of me... maybe a little too nice.
"What's it about?" Ezra asks. Wouldn't you like to know?
"Me and my shadow," I sound annoyed. Ahah! This is so much fun! Notice the sarcasm.
"What's it about?" Kat asks this time.
"Me and my shadow," I say, acting dumb. Ah, finally, a sarcastic reply! I was starting to worry for a minute.
"You know what Peter Pan did?" Ezra asks. I don't remember any Peter Pan. What the hell? "He had Wendy sew his shadow back on." He looks so earnest, but what on earth is he talking about?
Kat just starts laughing. I look at him with a "what the hell is wrong with you?" look. I then turn back to my paper and ignore his hurt expression. You're just keeping him at bay, hunny. Yeah, maybe if I tell myself that that'll work enough, I'll actually start to believe it.
Ah, awesome, here's Scott! He's running around like a maniac, but whatever. What's he doing? He's sitting down in front of Juliette! Is he insane? Nah, he just didn't see me. Here I go. I get up, walk over, smile, and look pretty. When I sit down beside him, he gets up, doesn't give me a look, even, and walks off. What the hell? That wasn't right! I wonder what Queenie, here, told him.
"What'd I say?" I ask, totally confused.
"I already told you: he doesn't like you," she chants. Something's very wrong with that girl. Anyways, I might as well give this in to Peter. It's gotta be more than a thousand words. Babbling can only get a girl so far.
So I get up and walk off. No one to notice I'm gone, no one to care. My, that's a fun thought! Walk down the hall, out the door, and off to the admin building we go.
Okay, here I am. I can't believe I didn't see Scott anywhere! What on earth has Frank got him doing? Anyways, knock, knock, knock. "Come in," I hear.
"Here's the paper you wanted," I say, putting the two sheets on his desk.
"Thank you, Shelby."
"Don't mention it," I say dryly and turn to leave.
"Shelby?" I turn around. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"No." Wow, that was rather rude. Oh well, whatever. I just leave now and everything will be fine.
Right, so as I'm just headed into the dorms, when I hear Jeff running up behind me.
"Shelby!" he yells out. What now? There's no way on earth that Peter counted all those words in two minutes.
"What?" I ask. After all that, I just want to lay down on my bed and be alone.
"There's a lost little girl in the woods. We're forming a search party. Get your stuff together and meet at the picnic tables in five minutes." Oh joy! Searching... wait a second! Searching... in the woods... this can only mean one thing: SHROOMS! Nice! What luck?
* Ten minutes later *
Well here I am. In the woods. Everyone who'll be searching for the girl is here. There are the Cliffhangers, the Tracker, and the Ridgerunners. There are also Peter, Sophie (Peter's blond friend), Chloe (his ex-wife), Jeff, Curtis (the town sheriff), and Annie (the owner of the only restaurant in town). The little girl is, as I've found out on my way here, Gracie, Annie's daughter. She's the one I'd talked to about shadows.
Anyways, Peter's gonna give us the little pep talk there. Oh, joy! I just adore Peter's speeches.
"Alright everybody, listen up. Scott, Auggie, you're going with me." Damn, go figure I wouldn't be in Scott's group. Just my luck. "Jeff, you take Jules and Shelby." Okay, Peter's obviously got something against me or he wouldn't stick me with Princess. What does he think? That I have his level of patience? "Um, Ezra, Kat, you go with Curtis. The rest of you, fan out." Oh wonderful. Why couldn't I fan out? I'd be able to hook up with Scott. I'd be able to look for shrooms with no interruption. Man! This sucks! "You've all got your gear, your whistles, blow 'em loud if you see anything. Be careful." And off he goes.
"Come on, ladies, let's go," Jeff says. Jules and I just follow him. I look back for one last glance at Scott.
"It's so sad, isn't it?" Juliette asks.
"It's just another lost kid. There are millions of them. What's one more or less?" I ask. It's true, despite how sad and horrible it sounds.
"Wow that's cold," she says. Don't you dare pass judgement on me, Princess. I don't want to hear it, and I don't want it from you!
"Ya? Well at least we're looking for her. That's more than anyone ever did for me." I hate the thought that I was never searched for. Sure the police, but what do they know? My mother never looked for me. I feel so alone and abandoned at that thought.
Oh well, I hope Jeff leaves us alone to search soon, cause I'm in real need of something to get me high and gone! I just want his pictures out of my head and Juliette's words out of my mind.
"Okay guys, fan out," Jeff says. Oh thank god! There he goes, down that way. There goes Juliette over behind that mound. And here I go, to this side, where there are sure to be shrooms under this log.
Right as I start to look I hear someone come close.
"It's you!"
"What?" I ask, turning to look at her. To my surprise, there's Queenie in all her glory, which doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Then it hits me, I sound way too guilty. "Oh, you were preparing your 'Queen of the Rescue' speech?" I ask.
"What are you looking for?" she cuts off. Obviously she thought she'd found Gracie.
"Getting my hands on some natural wonders. Narco shrooms, Freakin told me about," I explain.
"You're going to eat something you found on the ground?" she asks, disgusted. Well, I'm not like you. I'm okay with dirt you know... as long as it can be washed away.
"And I'm going to say 'yum, yum,' when I do." That shut her up!
"She's lost." Oh joy! Here we go again! Why won't she just leave and give everyone a little peace? "That little girl is lost. Think if it was you." Oh, wrong thing to say.
"I was," I say, turning around. Then I realize what I said. I just blurted too much out. Gotta cover! "Now I plan on finding some shrooms and getting good and lost again." Oh, nice save there.
"You're disgusting?" What? She's calling me disgusting? She's the one who got sent here because of puking everything she inhaled!
"Look, Princess, these aren't just for me." Oh, I'm scaring her as I walk towards her. "I plan on sharing these with Scott, who happens to share my fondness for getting wasted."
"He's not going to be with you because of a bribe," she spits out.
"Oh, really?" He told me! I know it, because I got it straight from his mouth!
"What are you two arguing about?" Jeff asks. He just happened to stumble on our little discussion at the very end. Okay... let's see, what were Juliette and I arguing about?
"Flora and fauna identification," I say, shooting him an innocent smile. That has to work; it always does.
"Very good, Shelby, but this isn't the time. Let's fan out." Oh well, back to shopping I go. Juliette looks rather disgruntled. Ha, ha! Sucks to be you! Jeff goes off behind and to my left, Juliette to my right. I just go on straight.
When I can't see them anymore, I look around for an overturned log. Ahah! Found one! Okay let's see.
"I don't believe you." No way! As if she's back already. Juliette, go away!!! "There's a lost little girl out here, and instead of looking for her, you're looking for toad stools." Ah, just shut up and disappear, will you?
"It's not everyday we get out on our own to shop," I say. Maybe if I tell her enough, she'll just leave me alone! She just gives me a look, like she doesn't have a comeback. I roll my eyes at her stupidness, and look back at my log.
"It's a nurse log," Jeff says. Once again, we're all congregated. Why can't I just be left in peace? Why do they always have to interrupt?
"What?" I ask, just a little surprised. I get up, not wanting to seem too obvious.
"A nurse log." Again, what? "Note how it's decomposing, providing a moist, elevated pile of fertilizer on which other plants love to grow." Oh great, we get a science lesson! What fun! I knew there were perks to this trip... I'm being sarcastic! "In some ecological systems, they provide the only place where new plants are able to start!" Oh joy!
"Like, um, mushrooms?" I volunteer.
"That being a perfectly good example." Thank you, thank you very much!
"Well, I gotta go." He looks at me as if to say "What are you talking about? We're in the middle of a forest!" "You know, number one."
"Oh, then I'll leave you." Thank god! "I'll also leave you with a thought. That the mushrooms you've been so diligently searching for are easily misidentified. And, should you find and eat the wrong species, you'll become violently, gut-wrenchingly ill." Ew, Freakin didn't say anything about that! I knew this was bound to happen. Let's see, what else'll happen to me? "You might suffer paralysis, might even die." Juliette's chuckling to herself. Wow, how I'd love to punch her right about now. "Just, uh, food for thought." I smile one of those smile that's a real "thanks for that" smile. Jeff leaves, as does Juliette.
"Guess I'll just get high on life," I say sarcastically. Go figure this would happen! I roll my eyes and keep walking. Ah! I can see the edge of the forest! Ooh! Maybe I'll get some sun! I start walking along the edge of this cliff. I see a rock and sit down.
That's when I hear it. "Help!" I look up. "Mommy!" I can see her. Dangling from what looks like a rock. She's about twenty-five feet up a raggedy cliff with sharp pointy rocks at the bottoms.
I just stare in amazement. "Mommy!" she yells again. "Wouldn't you know it. Had to be me." Of course, that's just my luck! "Stay right there!" I yell up to her again.
"I'm afraid!" she says.
"I know you are!" I yell up again. "God! Hang on! I'll get some help!" Yeah, cause I don't have a clue what to do. This is so typical of me, when the going gets tough; I either get going, or can't do a thing about it! "Jeff! Juliette!" I scream as loud as I can. "Son of a mother," I say to myself to relieve some frustration. Didn't work! You know, they're there when you don't want them around, and they're nowhere in sight when you do. This has got to be a paradox or something! "Jeff! Juliette!" I scream again. Please come! Please answer! Please?
"I'm falling!" she screams.
"Just don't fall. Okay? Just-just don't fall!" What do I do? I have to do something! I can't just let her fall! Okay, I'll have to climb up there and get her. Off comes my pack, and up I go! "Alright." So I walk up to the cliff, climb over the sharp pointy rocks and go. Well, this isn't a hard wall to scale. At least there a good foot holds! Thank god for that! At last one good thing! Well, I don't know if I'd call that good... What was I thinking? I have to climbing gear! I'm going to die! Well, at least I trying! Here she is. I'm level with her.
"Okay. Okay, we're going down," I say. What? Do I really expect her to climb the rock?
"I-I can't!" she says. No, see, you have to! What do you mean you can't?
"Look, I came all the way up here didn't I?" Wow, that was harsh. But that's what you get! Okay, she's a little girl! Give her a chance! "Now don't give me a hard time." At that she jumps into my arms. I grab her and for a second we're both holding onto each other for dear life. She's the only person, since I last saw Jess, who's even come close to hugging me. I feel so relieved. She's so innocent and young. Somehow that's such a comfort to me. To me, who lost my innocence at such a young age. Finally I realize I'm standing on a cliff. Okay, time to go now. "Okay, look, let's not get carried away," I explain. "Okay? Come on," I say, helping her onto my back. She grabs on, koala style. "Hold on tight!" I say, and we start back down the cliff again.
Okay, this again! My climbing skills impress even me! Before I can think about it, I'm down. Wow, that went fast! Thank god! I was actually, really scared! I put her down on a rock, jump down, and hold my arms out to help her out. She jumps into my arms. Again, I feel an overwhelming feeling of relief. I shift her around so that she's resting on my hip. Suddenly I stop, surprised at who I see. "What?"
"You, you're such a fraud," Ezra replies. It's the only thing I know how to do, okay? "It's all an act."
"I want my mommy," Gracie says. I sigh and give her over to Ezra. I just don't have the patience to deal with this any longer.
"Just, take her to her mommy!" I say.
"What? Me?" he asks surprised. Time to put on the image again.
"Just tell them you found her. And if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, you'll beg for death," I finish, leaving him behind, astounded. I slow down eventually, leaving him to go in front of me. As I see him arrive at camp, I see Gracie run into Annie's arms. A blank stare settles on my face. Annie just hugs Gracie so tight, so much love. No hate is in that relationship. I want that. That's all I've ever wanted. I just turn around and leave the second Ezra looks over at me. I can't deal with the pain, the loneliness, the hurt! It cuts too deep. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over all this. I wish I were Grace!
********************************************************************************
I'm lying in my bed. Everyone's asleep. I can't sleep. Too many memories. Not only Walt, this time, but pictures of Gracie jumping into Annie's arms flood my mind. I just can't get that out of my mind. Her jumping into my arms. That feeling I got. It'll never leave me, as long as I live!
I can't deal. I need a smoke! I get out of bed and grab a sweater.
I leave the dorm and walk straight for the woodpile, get a cigarette. Then I realize there aren't any matches! Why? Why? Why? Do these things only ever happen to me? "Son of a mother!" I whisper to myself. Go figure there aren't any matches. Then as I look around I notice the bear statue. I put the cigarettes back under a log and turn to face the statue.
Slowly I make my way to it, thoughts of comfort coming over me. The bear cub looks so safe with its mother. I decide I want to be like that too. I climb into the hollow made by the bear's arms. I cuddle up in it. I'm safe here.
I'm also alone. All the tears I've been holding back for so long wash over me. I start to cry. The tears just flow. It feels so good to let them all out. I need that sometime. Some release, some comfort. It's so hard to keep going all the time. But that's my life. It'll get better one day, I know it will, but for now, it's so hard! How am I supposed to go on? How?
Please, someone help! Anyone!
Author's Note: Okay, you guys are lucky. For a while now, I've been totally slacking on review for my exams. I'm going to do fine, but I will get this fic done when I'm not studying. The other one is also a work in progress... it's nearly finished (the chapter not the fic) so hang in there with me!
Again, I'm totally unoriginal when it comes to what basically happens. All I do is fill in what's in Shelby's mind, and what happens when she's not on screen.
So, we're now two days after that trek through the woods. Not very much has happened since then. Ezra and Kat are out of the infirmary; neither was sick for long. Ezra was a little chilly, but he's over it. Hannah gave him weeding chores for the bridge incident. The rest of us have biology homework, which is ultimately boring. Oh, and I found out that hottie's name is Scott. What a perfect name! I'm sure one day he'll be mine. I just know it. It's like destiny or something.
For now, I've been pondering the idea of my mushrooms. I hope I can get high off them. I need a way to escape the horrible reality that is my life.
"Hey, Ezra," I start as I go to interrupt his chores with my need to get high. "Um, I need a read on these mushrooms. Do they have any hallucinatory promise?" I ask hopefully. Come on! Please say yes!
"Not unless death is a hallucination." What? Death? No! That's not right! "These are autumn skull cap. You eat one, you turn green; you eat two, you turn black." Ew, happy thought indeed. That sucks! Damn it! When'll I be able to get into the woods again? "What you need are some of the glaniacybe species AKA magic mushrooms. Around here you could probably get some of the maricystis species." The what of the what now? Wow, that was confusing! "Pointy tops. But these ain't that." Well, at least I didn't eat them before I asked. Sigh!
"Well, then, I guess I'm glad that I talked to my druggist," I say, patting him on the back. "You missed one." I drop my mushrooms on the ground and get up to leave. At least I'm alive.
I sit down at the table and Auggie shows us all what looks a lot like graffiti.
"Look," he says, apparently proud.
"Cool," Juliette says, looking up from her textbook.
"What is it?" Kat asks, doing the same.
"It is what it is. What it wants to be," Auggie explains.
"What it isn't is biology homework," I reply, putting an end to his showing off. Unfortunately that gave rise to Juliette talking.
"Mitosis. Please tell me my life will never be reduced to mitosis. Is that all we are, a glump of splitting cells?" she asks. I would reply, but Scott just came out of his dorm. Oh my! How to concentrate on bio when he's around? Answer: not possible.
"Speaking of cellular activity," I say, seeing Scott come over.
"Um, I'm supposed to go to Markaisian's office," he says in an "I don't care" voice. Aw! He's so perfect! What is wrong with me? I don't feel this way about guys!
"Administration building," Kat offers.
"I can show you," Queenie says. Wow, talk about subtle! Oh my gosh!
"I'll get there," he replies nonchalantly. Oh! Burn!
"Frank's office. This can only mean one thing," I butt in. "Consequences. You're about to be rewarded for running off." Oh yeah, we all found out about that. It wasn't too hard since Scott wasn't in a great mood and we had our first group with him, which was all about how running away.
"It won't be too bad," Kat said. "Ezra only got weeds for falling off a bridge."
"That was Hannah, not Frank," Princess points out.
"And you were a runner, Ezra was just a faller," I say, giving him my beautiful smile.
"It's gonna be nasty. Frank can be really keen on his consequences," Auggie said.
"Can? Always. We call it 'Let's be Frank about it,'" I say.
"I'll handle it. Thanks," he says, turning and leaving.
"I bet you could handle a lot of things," I say more to myself, than to anyone else. It was said with such a huge smile on my face. I laugh at my obvious giddiness.
"He doesn't like you," Juliette says.
"The day is young," I reply. He will be mine one day! I know it.
After that, Kat just looked at us and rolled her eyes. "Guys, just do the homework."
A little while of homework and I get bored, so I look back up, and... "Betcha can't wait till he breaks a sweat, huh?" I ask, seeing Scott run towards us. Apparently he's running errands for Frank.
"Looks like the new meat's getting his first Horizon lesson," Auggie says, noticing what I'm staring at. "Run, muchacho, run!" he yells out, as Scott runs and jumps over a crouching Ezra.
At this moment, Peter rolls up on his motorcycle with some woman I don't recognize on the bike. I raise my eyebrows and smile and the sight of Peter with a woman.
"My, my, Peter's got himself a motorcycle mama," I point out to the rest of the group seated at the picnic table with me. We all look on and smile. Finally, Kat turns around and gives us a small reproachful look.
"Guys, we've got like five minutes till the ropes course, so finish up and we'll put the stuff in the dorms before leaving," she says.
"Whatever, I'm done," Juliette says.
"Me too," I agree.
"Alright, let's just get down there," Auggie says.
"Well, let's go, I want to get rid of this homework," I say.
What happened while we got to the rope course was very boring. Juliette, Ezra, Kat, and Auggie talked about the bio test we were getting the next class. I was just ignoring them, thinking about my life, and of course, about Scott. For some reason, I just can't get him out of my head. He's so much better than any guy I've known is. I doubt I'm ever going to totally let him go.
Well, here we are at the course. I hate this. Heights and me don't get along. Oh, Scott just got here! Nice.
"Mr. Markaisian told me to report to you," he tells Peter.
"He told you to run?" Peter asks, him and Auggie smiling. "Alright, go put this on. Jules, help him out," he finished, giving Scott a harness and Juliette a questioning look. She just smiled. Why didn't he ask me? I'm good at that stuff!
"Alright, everybody, I want you to the top, and back down again. Okay? Shelby?" Oh, no, what did he say?
"I heard you," I said, guessing at the pep talk we just got. Whatever, I'm not doing that anyway.
"Alright, nothing to be afraid of, just pace yourself. Who's going to be first?" Shit, he saw through that. Well, whatever, I just have to start hiding behind more walls. My defenses are getting weaker, and I don't know why.
"That's me," Auggie says. Here he goes, showing off.
"Aug, step up."
"Show the newbie how it's done, huh?"
"You do that, muchacho," Scott answered back, challengingly. What is it about that guy that's got me so crazy?
"Okay, Aug, go for it," Peter encouraged. As Auggie climbed, which was really fast, everyone cheered him on. Everyone except me. I just remain silent. If I'm silent and keep a blank stare, no one will know what's in my mind. It's my only defense. My only way of staying alone in my messed up life. I don't want to be dragged around in a world of questions and probing. I just want to be left alone.
"Yeah," Auggie says, finishing the course.
"Alright, who's next?" Peter asks. "Scott?" Score! Scott's turn! There he goes. Oh my gosh! Princess is smiling like a maniac. This is too funny. I can't hold in the laughter at her insane giddiness. Man, this is Scott's first time and he's so good. "Good job."
"Not bad, meat," Auggie says as Scott takes off his helmet. They both start sizing each other up. The woman who's with Peter sees this.
"Alpha males," she tells Peter. They both smile. I don't like her too much. She's too much like Juliette: too happy.
"Okay guys, good job," Peter cuts into what has become a huge size-up between Scott and Auggie. "Alright, who's next?" To avoid being picked, I push Ezra forward. He just flies forward. He has no balance and no strength. It was funny. At least it got him to go and not me.
"Ezra. Go!" Peter said, encouraging him. Everyone started cheering.
"You can do it Ezra!" Kat yelled. Then she turned to look at me. "You too," she said softly. It was nice, but I wasn't.
"Hey, I didn't as you to be my cheerleader, okay?" I say. When I see the blonde with Peter turn around to look at me, I get up and leave. I've had enough of this shit. I'm not going to do it. Why give them all false hope that I've grown emotionally or something?
All I hear is Peter yell out "Shelby!" and that's it. I just start running. "Shelby!" he yelled again. Get away! Get away! Get away! No, I can't run! I've run from anything and everything in my life. I'm not running this time. Horizon is all I have. And as much as I hate to admit it, I like it here. But they'll find out! They'll find out and they'll call CPS! And they won't believe me! I'll be sent home to... him! To the monster, the horror, the nightmare! I can't! Just keep running! Keep running!
"Hey, Shelby! Wait up!" I hear that woman yell. Oh no! What does she want? "Shelby!"
"What?" I ask rudely. Maybe she'll get the message. I don't want to talk!
"You got an old soul." A... what?
"Wow, aren't you groovy?" I ask sarcastically.
"A hard shell too: always a good feature in a woman." What's up with her? Why won't she give up?
"Do you work here, or are you just giving yourself for free?"
"I'm just visitor," she says calmly. Ahah! My chance has come!
"From what planet?" I ask, and walk off, leaving her behind. Finally! I'm free!
I just run back to campus. Alright, what do I want to do? I want to bury into a hole, and die. But that's not going to happen. I'm a fighter! I'm going to win this. I'm going to conquer this. The thing is though... how?
I'm too scared. I'm scared of being exposed. I'm scared of him. I'm scared to fall asleep at night. I'm scared of any guy touching me! What the hell is wrong with me? It's his fault! He made me this way, and now I have to live! I have to live with what he did while he just goes about his business? Wow, talk about fairness for you! I'm never going to win over him. I've lost. I've lost this battle a long time ago. The first time I said "no" and he kept going, I lost. The first time! Ever since then, I've won at everything. I'm just so lost all the same. That one loss will haunt me forever. Not cause I lost, but because I lost at that. I lost when I had to be strong. When I needed it, my strength left.
And where was my mother during all of this? She was supposed to protect me! She was supposed to make it all stop! Where was she? I feel so abandoned! That's why I can't trust anyone. I mean, if my own mother couldn't protect me... Oh and here's Peter. I'm sitting on some stairs in front of the admin building. Bushes all around me. I didn't think he'd find me that easy. My head is resting on my crossed arms, which are on my knees. All in all, I'm in a fetal position. I straighten up as he comes closer.
"Got a cigarette?" I ask. Try and lighten the mood. I guess it worked a little. He's probably not the best person to ask though. Nice move, there, Shelby!
"Can't just walk away, Shel." Well that's the only way I know! That's all I've ever learned how to do!
"So I can't scale the heights, we all have our little phobias." Take a hint! I'm not going to talk about it.
"So you're afraid of heights." No, genius, I'm afraid of you! Come on! Think with your head, man! "That's your excuse."
"You tell me. You're the one with the answers, remember?"
"All I know, is that walking away gets you nowhere fast. I want a thousand word essay by tomorrow." What? That's so not fair! What did I do that was so wrong? Whatever might as well get it over with so he'll leave me alone.
"What's the topic?" I ask, smiling.
"Me and my shadow." Oh joy! I can't wait to write this one. I just stare him in the eyes, showing that I'm not afraid of him. It's a blank stare. He won't get anything from it. Suddenly, there's a honking in the background. He turns around, breaks the eye contact and my head sinks back down onto my arms as I see the car pull up. I roll my eyes and then look away. I hear someone approaching.
When her small body stops in front of my face, I look up.
"What are you thinking about?" she asks. She's so cute and innocent, holding her little teddy bear. It's so adorable. She reminds me of me when I was that young and carefree.
"You know anything about shadows?" I ask. It didn't sound too kind, but it was my best at this moment.
"They're dark, hide things: secrets. You have secrets?" she asks sweetly.
"That's my secret," I say with a smile. She smiles back and returns to her mother. My head sinks back onto my arms.
********************************************************************************
Well, now I'm sitting at lunch with Kat and Ezra. I wonder where Queenie is. Actually, scratch that. She's probably barfing her guts up somewhere. And Scott's running around for Frank. Where Auggie is, is beyond me.
"Freakin', um," I start. I ask something about those shrooms. What was he telling me about them? Pointy somethings?
"Freidkin," he replies, aggravated.
"Uh, ya," I dismiss. "Describe to me again those magic shrooms. Points, or?" I look at him all confused.
"Oh, pointy tops. They-they got sorta pointy tops," he explains. Why thank you for that marvelous description there! Wow, that's so precise!
"And, um, you were telling me that they grow around here?" I ask, a conspiratorial air in my voice. This is so much fun!
"Abundantly." Score, score!
"Excellent." I can't wait to find those shrooms. I'll get Scott to get high with me, and we'll have so much fun! Okay, back to this dumbass essay.
"What are you writing?" Kat asks, making conversation.
"Oh, one of Peter's learning tools for not climbing the stupid rope tower again," I explain. Wow, that was oddly nice of me... maybe a little too nice.
"What's it about?" Ezra asks. Wouldn't you like to know?
"Me and my shadow," I sound annoyed. Ahah! This is so much fun! Notice the sarcasm.
"What's it about?" Kat asks this time.
"Me and my shadow," I say, acting dumb. Ah, finally, a sarcastic reply! I was starting to worry for a minute.
"You know what Peter Pan did?" Ezra asks. I don't remember any Peter Pan. What the hell? "He had Wendy sew his shadow back on." He looks so earnest, but what on earth is he talking about?
Kat just starts laughing. I look at him with a "what the hell is wrong with you?" look. I then turn back to my paper and ignore his hurt expression. You're just keeping him at bay, hunny. Yeah, maybe if I tell myself that that'll work enough, I'll actually start to believe it.
Ah, awesome, here's Scott! He's running around like a maniac, but whatever. What's he doing? He's sitting down in front of Juliette! Is he insane? Nah, he just didn't see me. Here I go. I get up, walk over, smile, and look pretty. When I sit down beside him, he gets up, doesn't give me a look, even, and walks off. What the hell? That wasn't right! I wonder what Queenie, here, told him.
"What'd I say?" I ask, totally confused.
"I already told you: he doesn't like you," she chants. Something's very wrong with that girl. Anyways, I might as well give this in to Peter. It's gotta be more than a thousand words. Babbling can only get a girl so far.
So I get up and walk off. No one to notice I'm gone, no one to care. My, that's a fun thought! Walk down the hall, out the door, and off to the admin building we go.
Okay, here I am. I can't believe I didn't see Scott anywhere! What on earth has Frank got him doing? Anyways, knock, knock, knock. "Come in," I hear.
"Here's the paper you wanted," I say, putting the two sheets on his desk.
"Thank you, Shelby."
"Don't mention it," I say dryly and turn to leave.
"Shelby?" I turn around. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"No." Wow, that was rather rude. Oh well, whatever. I just leave now and everything will be fine.
Right, so as I'm just headed into the dorms, when I hear Jeff running up behind me.
"Shelby!" he yells out. What now? There's no way on earth that Peter counted all those words in two minutes.
"What?" I ask. After all that, I just want to lay down on my bed and be alone.
"There's a lost little girl in the woods. We're forming a search party. Get your stuff together and meet at the picnic tables in five minutes." Oh joy! Searching... wait a second! Searching... in the woods... this can only mean one thing: SHROOMS! Nice! What luck?
* Ten minutes later *
Well here I am. In the woods. Everyone who'll be searching for the girl is here. There are the Cliffhangers, the Tracker, and the Ridgerunners. There are also Peter, Sophie (Peter's blond friend), Chloe (his ex-wife), Jeff, Curtis (the town sheriff), and Annie (the owner of the only restaurant in town). The little girl is, as I've found out on my way here, Gracie, Annie's daughter. She's the one I'd talked to about shadows.
Anyways, Peter's gonna give us the little pep talk there. Oh, joy! I just adore Peter's speeches.
"Alright everybody, listen up. Scott, Auggie, you're going with me." Damn, go figure I wouldn't be in Scott's group. Just my luck. "Jeff, you take Jules and Shelby." Okay, Peter's obviously got something against me or he wouldn't stick me with Princess. What does he think? That I have his level of patience? "Um, Ezra, Kat, you go with Curtis. The rest of you, fan out." Oh wonderful. Why couldn't I fan out? I'd be able to hook up with Scott. I'd be able to look for shrooms with no interruption. Man! This sucks! "You've all got your gear, your whistles, blow 'em loud if you see anything. Be careful." And off he goes.
"Come on, ladies, let's go," Jeff says. Jules and I just follow him. I look back for one last glance at Scott.
"It's so sad, isn't it?" Juliette asks.
"It's just another lost kid. There are millions of them. What's one more or less?" I ask. It's true, despite how sad and horrible it sounds.
"Wow that's cold," she says. Don't you dare pass judgement on me, Princess. I don't want to hear it, and I don't want it from you!
"Ya? Well at least we're looking for her. That's more than anyone ever did for me." I hate the thought that I was never searched for. Sure the police, but what do they know? My mother never looked for me. I feel so alone and abandoned at that thought.
Oh well, I hope Jeff leaves us alone to search soon, cause I'm in real need of something to get me high and gone! I just want his pictures out of my head and Juliette's words out of my mind.
"Okay guys, fan out," Jeff says. Oh thank god! There he goes, down that way. There goes Juliette over behind that mound. And here I go, to this side, where there are sure to be shrooms under this log.
Right as I start to look I hear someone come close.
"It's you!"
"What?" I ask, turning to look at her. To my surprise, there's Queenie in all her glory, which doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Then it hits me, I sound way too guilty. "Oh, you were preparing your 'Queen of the Rescue' speech?" I ask.
"What are you looking for?" she cuts off. Obviously she thought she'd found Gracie.
"Getting my hands on some natural wonders. Narco shrooms, Freakin told me about," I explain.
"You're going to eat something you found on the ground?" she asks, disgusted. Well, I'm not like you. I'm okay with dirt you know... as long as it can be washed away.
"And I'm going to say 'yum, yum,' when I do." That shut her up!
"She's lost." Oh joy! Here we go again! Why won't she just leave and give everyone a little peace? "That little girl is lost. Think if it was you." Oh, wrong thing to say.
"I was," I say, turning around. Then I realize what I said. I just blurted too much out. Gotta cover! "Now I plan on finding some shrooms and getting good and lost again." Oh, nice save there.
"You're disgusting?" What? She's calling me disgusting? She's the one who got sent here because of puking everything she inhaled!
"Look, Princess, these aren't just for me." Oh, I'm scaring her as I walk towards her. "I plan on sharing these with Scott, who happens to share my fondness for getting wasted."
"He's not going to be with you because of a bribe," she spits out.
"Oh, really?" He told me! I know it, because I got it straight from his mouth!
"What are you two arguing about?" Jeff asks. He just happened to stumble on our little discussion at the very end. Okay... let's see, what were Juliette and I arguing about?
"Flora and fauna identification," I say, shooting him an innocent smile. That has to work; it always does.
"Very good, Shelby, but this isn't the time. Let's fan out." Oh well, back to shopping I go. Juliette looks rather disgruntled. Ha, ha! Sucks to be you! Jeff goes off behind and to my left, Juliette to my right. I just go on straight.
When I can't see them anymore, I look around for an overturned log. Ahah! Found one! Okay let's see.
"I don't believe you." No way! As if she's back already. Juliette, go away!!! "There's a lost little girl out here, and instead of looking for her, you're looking for toad stools." Ah, just shut up and disappear, will you?
"It's not everyday we get out on our own to shop," I say. Maybe if I tell her enough, she'll just leave me alone! She just gives me a look, like she doesn't have a comeback. I roll my eyes at her stupidness, and look back at my log.
"It's a nurse log," Jeff says. Once again, we're all congregated. Why can't I just be left in peace? Why do they always have to interrupt?
"What?" I ask, just a little surprised. I get up, not wanting to seem too obvious.
"A nurse log." Again, what? "Note how it's decomposing, providing a moist, elevated pile of fertilizer on which other plants love to grow." Oh great, we get a science lesson! What fun! I knew there were perks to this trip... I'm being sarcastic! "In some ecological systems, they provide the only place where new plants are able to start!" Oh joy!
"Like, um, mushrooms?" I volunteer.
"That being a perfectly good example." Thank you, thank you very much!
"Well, I gotta go." He looks at me as if to say "What are you talking about? We're in the middle of a forest!" "You know, number one."
"Oh, then I'll leave you." Thank god! "I'll also leave you with a thought. That the mushrooms you've been so diligently searching for are easily misidentified. And, should you find and eat the wrong species, you'll become violently, gut-wrenchingly ill." Ew, Freakin didn't say anything about that! I knew this was bound to happen. Let's see, what else'll happen to me? "You might suffer paralysis, might even die." Juliette's chuckling to herself. Wow, how I'd love to punch her right about now. "Just, uh, food for thought." I smile one of those smile that's a real "thanks for that" smile. Jeff leaves, as does Juliette.
"Guess I'll just get high on life," I say sarcastically. Go figure this would happen! I roll my eyes and keep walking. Ah! I can see the edge of the forest! Ooh! Maybe I'll get some sun! I start walking along the edge of this cliff. I see a rock and sit down.
That's when I hear it. "Help!" I look up. "Mommy!" I can see her. Dangling from what looks like a rock. She's about twenty-five feet up a raggedy cliff with sharp pointy rocks at the bottoms.
I just stare in amazement. "Mommy!" she yells again. "Wouldn't you know it. Had to be me." Of course, that's just my luck! "Stay right there!" I yell up to her again.
"I'm afraid!" she says.
"I know you are!" I yell up again. "God! Hang on! I'll get some help!" Yeah, cause I don't have a clue what to do. This is so typical of me, when the going gets tough; I either get going, or can't do a thing about it! "Jeff! Juliette!" I scream as loud as I can. "Son of a mother," I say to myself to relieve some frustration. Didn't work! You know, they're there when you don't want them around, and they're nowhere in sight when you do. This has got to be a paradox or something! "Jeff! Juliette!" I scream again. Please come! Please answer! Please?
"I'm falling!" she screams.
"Just don't fall. Okay? Just-just don't fall!" What do I do? I have to do something! I can't just let her fall! Okay, I'll have to climb up there and get her. Off comes my pack, and up I go! "Alright." So I walk up to the cliff, climb over the sharp pointy rocks and go. Well, this isn't a hard wall to scale. At least there a good foot holds! Thank god for that! At last one good thing! Well, I don't know if I'd call that good... What was I thinking? I have to climbing gear! I'm going to die! Well, at least I trying! Here she is. I'm level with her.
"Okay. Okay, we're going down," I say. What? Do I really expect her to climb the rock?
"I-I can't!" she says. No, see, you have to! What do you mean you can't?
"Look, I came all the way up here didn't I?" Wow, that was harsh. But that's what you get! Okay, she's a little girl! Give her a chance! "Now don't give me a hard time." At that she jumps into my arms. I grab her and for a second we're both holding onto each other for dear life. She's the only person, since I last saw Jess, who's even come close to hugging me. I feel so relieved. She's so innocent and young. Somehow that's such a comfort to me. To me, who lost my innocence at such a young age. Finally I realize I'm standing on a cliff. Okay, time to go now. "Okay, look, let's not get carried away," I explain. "Okay? Come on," I say, helping her onto my back. She grabs on, koala style. "Hold on tight!" I say, and we start back down the cliff again.
Okay, this again! My climbing skills impress even me! Before I can think about it, I'm down. Wow, that went fast! Thank god! I was actually, really scared! I put her down on a rock, jump down, and hold my arms out to help her out. She jumps into my arms. Again, I feel an overwhelming feeling of relief. I shift her around so that she's resting on my hip. Suddenly I stop, surprised at who I see. "What?"
"You, you're such a fraud," Ezra replies. It's the only thing I know how to do, okay? "It's all an act."
"I want my mommy," Gracie says. I sigh and give her over to Ezra. I just don't have the patience to deal with this any longer.
"Just, take her to her mommy!" I say.
"What? Me?" he asks surprised. Time to put on the image again.
"Just tell them you found her. And if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, you'll beg for death," I finish, leaving him behind, astounded. I slow down eventually, leaving him to go in front of me. As I see him arrive at camp, I see Gracie run into Annie's arms. A blank stare settles on my face. Annie just hugs Gracie so tight, so much love. No hate is in that relationship. I want that. That's all I've ever wanted. I just turn around and leave the second Ezra looks over at me. I can't deal with the pain, the loneliness, the hurt! It cuts too deep. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over all this. I wish I were Grace!
********************************************************************************
I'm lying in my bed. Everyone's asleep. I can't sleep. Too many memories. Not only Walt, this time, but pictures of Gracie jumping into Annie's arms flood my mind. I just can't get that out of my mind. Her jumping into my arms. That feeling I got. It'll never leave me, as long as I live!
I can't deal. I need a smoke! I get out of bed and grab a sweater.
I leave the dorm and walk straight for the woodpile, get a cigarette. Then I realize there aren't any matches! Why? Why? Why? Do these things only ever happen to me? "Son of a mother!" I whisper to myself. Go figure there aren't any matches. Then as I look around I notice the bear statue. I put the cigarettes back under a log and turn to face the statue.
Slowly I make my way to it, thoughts of comfort coming over me. The bear cub looks so safe with its mother. I decide I want to be like that too. I climb into the hollow made by the bear's arms. I cuddle up in it. I'm safe here.
I'm also alone. All the tears I've been holding back for so long wash over me. I start to cry. The tears just flow. It feels so good to let them all out. I need that sometime. Some release, some comfort. It's so hard to keep going all the time. But that's my life. It'll get better one day, I know it will, but for now, it's so hard! How am I supposed to go on? How?
Please, someone help! Anyone!
