Father's Day

By: Dee

Summary: Jack goes through another Father's Day without Charlie.

Jack sat in his overstuffed La-Z-Boy and stared at the wall. It was the same thing he'd been doing since he woke up at nine that morning. It was now three in the afternoon and he had only moved when nature called, either to use the restroom or to satisfy his grumbling stomach with a sandwich.

He knew he was wasting a beautiful day. He knew he could be doing more productive things. His house needed cleaning, he needed to get groceries. Janet and Cassie had been begging him to come over for dinner for weeks. But Jack knew today was not the day to be around people.

Years before, a member or two of his team had stopped by to see if he was ok. They learned quickly to stay away. He did not want company on this day. This was the only day Jack allowed himself to succumb to the guilt that always lingered. To succumb to the loneliness and feelings of failure that constantly threatened to overtake him.

Father's Day, to Jack, was a day of remembrance. He sat and stared at his wall for hours, remembering Charlie. Remembering the times he'd had with him, playing ball, or fishing. Remembering the moments when they ganged up on Sarah and she gave in to whatever whim they were sharing. Jack remembered the good night hugs, the good morning smiles. He remembered the time at the beach that Sarah, Charlie, and himself spent hours building a sandcastle, just to have Charlie jump on it and giggle as it crumpled apart.

And Jack remembered the sound. The sound of the gunshot going off. Once his mind went to that moment, Jack knew it was better he was alone, because the anguish was unbearable and he had to let it out the only way he knew how. Jack began to cry for the loss of his son, the loss of his marriage. He begged Charlie to forgive him. Prayed that God would forgive him for virtually killing his son and ruining his marriage.

Once his weeping had stopped, Jack picked up the phone and called the only person who understood. Sarah was waiting by the phone for Jack's call. He sounded ragged and took deep breaths. She assured him that she didn't hate him. That he wasn't a failure. He finally composed himself and got embarrassed for calling her while he was still crying, and then he rushed off the phone.

The routine had been the same for years, and Jack didn't expect it to change. He almost needed this day. For a year he kept everything bottled up. This one day he allowed it out, allowed it to surface and take hold of him.

He crawled into bed around ten, completely spent. Tomorrow he'd walk into the SGC with bags under his eyes, but no one would say anything. Everyone would pretend like he looked absolutely normal. Their off-world mission would be light, something routine. Somehow General Hammond knew that Jack needed to be out in the field, but that he also needed something easy. The day after Father's Day was his springboard back to his usual self. The sarcastic, nonchalant Colonel in the United States Air Force who served on a base more secret than Area 51. The leader of the flagship team of the SGC, who had to put things ahead of his emotions. He almost preferred to be that guy. The mostly bottled up man who hid his feelings and emotions. He was easier to deal with.