Natalie awoke the next morning to see the rain falling outside her window. "Oh this is perfect even the weather is depressed today!" Wanting desperately to stay in bed buried under the covers for the next ten, no make that twenty, years she lays there wondering if that would be a bad thing. And yet she knows responsibility well and she refuses to let John take any more of her dignity away. So no matter how devastated and incredibly hurt she may be she rolls out of bed and heads to the shower.
John Mcbain be damned! She was going to work today!
He lays on his bed after a very long sleepless night agonizing over every word spoken and every thought that had crossed his mind during his discussion with Natalie the night before. He still can't believe that he actually wanted to inflict pain on her and not only that but that he had done it with no compassion and that he had let her run away into the night when there is a murderer just waiting for his next opportunity to strike ... strike against his Natalie. "Damn it Man what the HELL is wrong with you? You accomplished what you wanted didn't you? She's gone. She believed you. Now she will stay away and this will be the last time she ever hurts because of you!"
John wonders where that voice is coming from I mean it's always been there but he usually agrees with it, except this time he could feel a battle waging within himself, between his need to keep her at arms length because of her uncanny ability to see into his soul and he doesn't want to ever let anyone in that deep, but then there is the need to have her near to know she is ok and yes he'll admit it to himself the need to know that she loves him and that she isn't with someone else, someone that isn't him.
"Oh well you've been trying for almost two years to come to a decision about where Natalie belongs in your life and last night your anger went ahead and made that decision for you so just roll with it. And keep telling yourself that it's better for her this way maybe that will make it bearable."
Yeah ... right.
Natalie walked into the kitchen at Llanfair still not feeling any better about her day. She noticed that her mother and Jess were sitting at the breakfast table already.
"Good morning Darling. Did you sleep well?" Her mother asks her. Natalie wonders if she wants to share her pain with her family. She needs some support but at the same time she feels so humiliated. Oh what the hell.
"Actually no I had an awful night, As a matter of fact it's been a pretty crummy year all together and it finally hit me last night that I have no idea who the heck I am anymore!"
Both Vicki and Jess had stopped eating when Natalie started her tirade and now they were both staring at her like she had horns on her head or something 'Oh great Nat make em think your crazy.'
"Ok Nattie where did THAT come from?" This question came from Jess.
"I'm sorry guys I don't think I want to talk about it after all."
"Oh no you don't. Honey if something is wrong I want to know and obviously you do need to talk about it otherwise you never would have gone off just now... Right?" Vicki looked at her daughter hoping that she would open up to them.
Natalie was just looking for an excuse to pour her heart out and that was it she finally broke ... God she could feel the tears starting to come back already. She sat down at the table and looked at them both and as the tears started to fall she spoke ...
"Ya know when I lost Cristian I thought that I could never love anyone ever again I mean at least not like that." They both nodded at her they knew better than anyone what Natalie had gone through when her husband died.
"But Mom ... I was wrong." She was sobbing now and Vicki had a feeling she knew what this was all about now.
"Oh sweetheart is this about John Mcbain?" Natalie looked up and the pain Vicki saw in her daughters eyes was enough to make her want to kill the lieutenant. But of course Vicki had way to much class to ever say that out loud so she simply asked her daughter,
"Do you want to tell us what happened?"
"Yeah why not I've already been humiliated in front John what's two more people that I love matter?" Jess reached over and took a hold of her sisters hand hoping to give her some comfort Natalie gave a little smile to her. Truthfully it did make her feel a little better knowing that they were there for her. Vicki couldn't help but beam at her beautiful girls they always made her so proud.
"Well you both know what happened in the woods the other day when the killing club murderer shot at me, but what I didn't tell you was that afterwards when John and I were alone he was so upset with me for putting myself in danger like that, we kind of had an argument and then all of a sudden John grabbed me by the shoulders and told me that he couldn't lose someone else that he loves. Ok now before you say anything let me tell you that I've already gotten the lecture that he meant love as in they way he loves his family or friends blah blah blah whatever I was there I saw his eyes and I felt the emotion that was in his voice. I really believed after that moment that he was in love with me." After reliving that memory she wonders again how she's ever going to except that he doesn't love her?
"And then on top of all that last night Evangeline broke up with John so being me of course I went over to his hotel to see Roxy and yes I was kinda hoping that I might run into him, which I did." She was having a hard time breathing as the pain of the night before came back full force she wasn't sure if she could tell them the rest.
"Oh Nattie you didn't sleep with him on the rebound did you? Please tell me you didn't do that!" Jess squeezed her sis's hand and Natalie just had to laugh.
"No Jess I didn't sleep with him instead I told him that I knew he loved me." They both just looked at her. "Yeah I know stupid thing to do. No one can ever truly know another persons feelings but I honestly believed it everything that he does supports that conclusion and maybe it was that a part of me desperately wanted it to be true but that's what I thought and that's what I said."
"Ok Honey so what did he say to that?" Vicki realized that might have been the wrong thing to ask when her daughters eyes filled with tears once again.
"Well the gist of the whole thing was he said that he does not love me and that he only cares about me because he got Cris killed and he felt guilty about that and that it was never anything more than that to him." She barely made it through that, the words tasted so bitter in her mouth.
After a few moments of shocked silence from Vicki and Jessica at the thought that John could be so cruel, especially to Natalie, Jess said...
"Well you want me to get Antonio to use his mob connections and put out a hit on him? I'll use my trust fund to pay for it!" Jess was hoping to make her laugh and it worked.
Vicki and Jess both reached over to embrace Natalie as she laughed through her tears.
"Natalie darling your such a strong young woman you will survive this I know you will." Natalie listened to those words but she didn't believe them her heart had been ripped out too many times. Even Humpty Dumpty had his limit at how many times he could be put back together. Well so did she and she didn't think her heart would ever be the same again. She needed to do something other than wallow in self pity though.
"Well I've got to go to work I'm already late and now I look like hell."
"Oh no dear you look beautiful as always. And I'm so proud of you for being mature enough to go to work and face your life instead of trying to hide from it."
"Yeah well that's me, the phoenix rising from the ashes once again." She said sarcastically. Her mother just cast her an exasperated look and kissed her on the check.
"Maybe the three of us should do dinner tonight. Are you both available?" Both girls looked at their mother and nodded.
"Perfect then I'll see you both say around 7 at the Palace?" After they all agreed Natalie left for work.
John was sitting in his office trying to concentrate on work when there was a knock on his door. He said "Come in" without even looking up. But then he sensed her presence and he slowly allowed his gaze to rise from the paper he was reading as she walked over to his desk.
"Forensics just delivered this file for you. Also Uncle Bo wanted me to tell you that he needs to speak with you before he leaves for lunch and the task force meeting that was supposed to happen the other day that never did has been rescheduled for three thirty this afternoon." After getting all of that out Natalie turned around and stormed out of his office before John had even had a chance to form a coherent thought.
He hated this. He hated that she hated him and he didn't know how long he would be able to let this continue.
"Man you need to get over yourself already. You don't need Natalie in your life all she does is make you feel things you don't want to feel and then she goes and tries to get herself killed which almost makes you have a heart attack every damn time. If she stays in your life you'll be dead by the time your forty. JUST LET HER GO!"
Well that's what he was doing ... Wasn't it?
