Chapter 9

Hermionie slowly made her way down to the potions lab. There was a musky smell around. Hermionie's sensitive and overly large nose shuddered. She kept walking though, since maybe her reputation wont be so badly damadged if she's not late. After about an hour, she realised she had been walking in a circle, and had passed the lab 7 times, so she suddenly stopped, and made baby steps the rest of the way.

Draco and his bodyguards were wating patiently outside the lab, and were very confused when they saw Granger going past the lab again! And this time she was walking very slowly, and they assumed she was just tired. But, they had all become late watching her, they entered the lab suddenly.

"Umm... Class, I would like you to meet...um...Profesor Dumpling, yes that's it." The group's identical expressions of shock and horror combined to make the strange look of horrock looked back and forth between a naked Snape and what appeared to be the Whomping Willow in a dress. "You wont tell bunny, will you?" The look of horrock (you know, when you combine horror and shock?) turned into a sneer, but since Hermionie was incapable of sneering, since she wasn't a Slytherin, she just grinned manically. "Well, a quick memory charm shall fix this then. Let's see if I can remember it. Ha, isn't that ironic? Don't you think? (Bloody anoying song, just wanted to add it.) Well, I know something which damadges teenagers memories better then that. Have some weed." Snape threw a pound of weed at Hermionie's head and she caught it as it bounced off her overly large nose.

"Yay! I caught it! I'm getting married next!" She stopped suddenly, and what could only be an attempted smirk crept across her face and under her nose. "HeheheheheheheheheheHE!" Everybody stared at her with confusion, all except Draco. He knew this face. He had only seen it once before in a dark cuboard. She was horny. Draco ran out the door. Let some other fool get the torture.

Snape took his chance, since the whole time he had forgotten he was naked, and grabbed...the so called Professor Dumpling, ripped of the dress, and was soon having a very hardcore sex. The remaining four stared at the scene untill they felt they would have to gauge out their eyes, or smoke the weed. They chose the weed.

Draco sat alone in the Slytherin common room. His mind was racing with all sorts of different thoughts. No matter what he focused on, it always led back to Neville. He looked at Goyle and thought ogre, then clumsy, then Neville. He looked at a chair and thought comfy, then relaxing, then Neville. Maybe this was the real thing. He just had to know. He suddenly leapt up, knocking Neville out of the Neville, I mean Goyle out of the chair, and ran to the library.

"Where is that book? I saw it the other day! I know it's in here somewhere! What I need is a Gryfindor, they're good at finding the specific book they need, but it takes a while. I could try a Ravenclaw, but they might want something in return. No, definatly a Grifindor."

"Why does Draco Malfoy need a Grifindor in his quest for a particular book? While one ever come? Draco slowly turned round to see, none other then the incredably beautiful and sexy, Ginny Weasley. His expression was both shocked and confused at the sudden appearence of the sexy minx, but on hearing that Ginny noticed, attempted to act like this happened to him all the time, and failed."

"Oh shut up and help me find a book!"

"He said with a bluntness to his voice, while his eyes flamed up with impatienced. Ginny knew it would be dangerous to refuse to help, but this was her enemy, and she can't help him, no matter how sexy he was." Draco's face lit up in surprise. "Then Draco's face lit up in surprise on hearing her confirm his sexiness, and he soon forgot about the book and walked over to Ginny and.."

"Oh yeah," Draco said, stopping in his tracks. "Thanks for reminding me, now lets find it. And what's with the weird way of talking?"

"I want to be a narrarator when I grow up. The drop dead gorgeous girl said, watching Draco as he walked to the shelf and tear his clothes rapidly off his body."

"Hey, I'm not doing that!"

"I mean books rapidly off the shelf."

The Golden Trio sat silently in the Griffindor common room, all looking very red. None knew what the other was embarressed about, since due to the currently strange goings on in Hogwarts, nobody was really sure who they could trust. Including the three friends who had been together since first year.

"Umm, guys, you know how we never talk anymore, and everyone is getting incressingly open about their sex lives, and are willing to shag anyone since alcohol flows as freely as water and children are being encoraged to start drinking from a much younger age espesially the french?" Ron managed to say in one deep, squeky breath.

"No, really? Not the french, they wouldn't. Alcohol is a sin." said the Goldest of the Golden, Harry.

"Yeah, I was shocked too, but enough about that." said the Bronze and slightly dirty Ron. "I just wanted to tell you both, I found love. And I want you two to meet her. We can all go down to Hogsbog (couldn't remember the name, so I thought this was better) and have a butterbeer together. But we'd have to get there early before all the french kids get the best seats. But be warned, she's not like us."

"You mean she's not completly baised due to the current media influence when it comes to mass murderers?"

"You could say that, but I meant something different. I'm not gonna say any more, cause I want it to be a surprise." And with that, Ron lept into the air and started singing his own version of "I'm walking on Sunshine", which was like the original, but he changed sunshine to pig slop.

"Have you ever noticed how much Ron is like a trained chimp?" asked Hermionie, and it was obvious by the seriousness of her expression that she had been pondering on this thought for some time. She then brought out some books and x-rays. "Cause you know, you can get monkeys with red hair, and bright bottoms." Harry looked shocked. "Yeah, Colin showed me some pictures he took in the shower. That reminds me Harry, you should do some crunches, you look a little soft down there." Harry looked more shocked. "Well, I'm going to present my planned out presentation of the chance of a monkey relation in the Weasley family to Dumbledore. I might get us some house points."

"While you're there, try to get a ban on camera's in the shower. And watch out he doesn't try to show you his new routine, I've seen it, and it's not up to his normal standards."

Draco sat alone in the library. He had been there some time, and you could tell, since the flys that were once buzzing around him, taking in the sweet sense of his BO, had died from the smell a few hours ago.

"Damn this place to hell! Where is that book!" Draco proceeded to bang his head on the table till someone threw a frozen bagel at him, hitting his eye (this has happened to me. It's not nice). He fell to the floor screaming, and when he opened his eyes again, he was looking straight at the book which he so soarly sought.

"Draco looked incredably embarresed at the sudden realisation that he had used the book to prevent wobbles in the table when he had first come across it, and his cheeks turned a hint of pink when he realised the beauty that was Ginny Weasley was back to help him in his search to relieve himself of his love for Neville."

"Hey, how'd you know that?"

"You sleep-talk."

"You were watching me sleep! That's just creepy."

"But Ginny knew he meant creepy as in "Fancy coming round and joining me sleeping sometime?""

"Actually, it's more perverted than creepy."

"Just shut up and take me now!" Ginny lay back on the table, her arms stretched out like a bird. Draco ran off with the book balenced on his flat head.

"Fairlady, why do you speak in such a way? Is though possesed by Satan? Shalt I fetch thy an Exorcised?"

"What the fuck did you just say? You think I'm talking weirdly? Try listening to thine self, you fucking fucker! (Ginny wouldn't know many swear words in my mind.) Said the beautiful red head, her eyes scanning up and down what appeared to her to be Colin dressed in ... well... a dress."

"Tis nay a dress, but high fashion of mine time. Does tho wish for mine to get thee some high fashion?"

"Fuck no, you fucking freak!" And Ginny ran out, narrarating as she went.

Draco ran as fast as he could, not daring to look back. The little Weaslette had always been particularly shy, but recently she had been acting differently. In fact so had every one! "Could this some evil plot done by Voldermort? No," he quickly shock the thought from his very empty head. "Father would have told me, if he thought this could damadge mine and the Malfoy image. It must be just something to do with the luner cycle."

"Did I hear you mention the luner cycle, or are my ears decieving me?" Draco turned and saw, to his imence surrprise, Professor Trelawney was towering over him, when she was normally slightly shorter then he was. "Do you like my new feet, I just had them fixed up with tougher soles. But I think the doctor overdid it. But that's unlisenced muggle doctors for you. It's amazing what they can do with a butter knife, they even got ride of my corns." Draco puked in the corner, after seeing Trelawney's feet that were now as tall as ... well... a foot tall now. "It seems, Draco my boy, that there is something about you that you wish to destroy."

"You mean my obsession with Bargin Hunt?"

"No, foolesh child. I mean, unwanted desire. Plus, aren't we all obsessed with Bargin Hunt? This book will never help. What you need to do is replace the desire, with lust. And I'm willing to supply this lust. You shall dance a tango with me in the great hall tomorrow at breakfast. Or I'll have a little annonesment to make, along the lines of a little incident at a party, with Master Longbottom, or should I call him Funbottom? Yes, I also know, and if you don't do as I say, a lot more people will know too. How about you join me in my room for a bit." And with that, Trelawney dragged Draco away, kicking and screaming, the mysterious book lay forgotten. But not for long. Snape had heard the screaming, and thought he should help her newest victim, at least till he saw the book Draco forgot.

"Ohh, Playboy! Oh, and look what's under it. "So you think you love a loser, and can't risk sabotaging your image, and incredably intense sex appeal, but feel you're unable to withhold the intesity of your lust for one another. The key tips to sneaky loving. now includes positions that look like card games." Now, who's is this. And whats this, a clump of platinum blond hair. Now I'm even more baffled then before, espicially since there is a cardboard Slythering crest with the intials D.M in it. This will take all my concentration." Snape ran away baffled into a cuboard, and that sounded like he was working more on the playboy then the book.