This is one of my favourite chapters. I ran it through a spell check and it turns out I can't spell to save my life. At least I can type fast though. I'll save my life by being too fast to read. MWaha. Only a short laugh since it's not a very evil plan.

Review! Tis the way! Tis the day! Hey hey! I love rhymes, and I can spell it!


Chapter 11

The long awaited trip to Hogsbog finally arrived. Ok, not many people paid any attention to it due to the fact that they were constantly indulging in "discovering themselves", as some of the lenient parents put it, or "sinning to the extreme" as the hugly religious comic book geeks put it. The only person looking forward to it was Ron, who couldn't wait for Harry and Hermionie to accept his new love. Meanwhile, Harry and Hermionie were wondering what freak Ron had picked up from the local stripper club this time.

"The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things. Of slugs and snails, and other strange things. Her name be Daisy, the weather was hazy, when we first exchanged rings."

"Ron, are you telling us that THAT," Harry gestured wildly. "Is your date?"

"Yes, why?"

"That? Thing?"

"What Harry's trying to tell you, Ron darling," Hermionie cut in with her motherly instincts for comfort. "Is that is, well, how can I put this nicely."

"Go on."

"It's a cow."

"Yes, Daisy. Don't you think she's beautiful." Ron kissed Daisy, and got his face licked.

"That cow seems familiar." Harry pondered.

"Well, you might have seen her in the forbidden forest. We've been having secret meetings at night. It's so romantic. Under the moonlight. Our naked bodies held so tightly together that..."

"Wooow, don't go there Ron." Hermionie interrupted.

"No, do go on," Hermionie scowled at Harry. "Um... tell me later."

The Trio sat down for some fire whiskey, and a bit of strip poker. It was a frantic game, and several of the locals joined in, including Dumbledore (who would never miss a chance to show some flesh without being arrested), Hagrid (who turned out to be wearing a thong by the end) and the mysterious Cuddles, a flesh coloured moose with a purple nose. By the end, Daisy was wearing the most, in just her high heals, and Ron had stripped down to a small hanky, easily covering his man bits. Harry was losing a hot and sweaty arm wrestling match with Hermionie, and Dumbledore was giving Hagrid a hand job again. Then, a stranger walked in.

"Actually, you all know me pretty well, though I haven't been mentioned since the first chapter. And so.. guess who?"

"Dean, it's not what you think!" Daisy amazingly mooed.

"I think I know well enough when you've been with someone else. You're suddenly in a good mood, and I think I've managed to satisfy you, but I find you've been with this toy boy here. And you do it in the heals I gave you to. I want them back." Ron reluctantly handed over his heals. "Now Daisy, are you going to come with me, or stay with Ron? Cause remember, if I walk out this door alone, then you can never walk back into my life again."

Daisy frantically looked back and forth between Ron, then Dean, then Ron, then Dean's dick. It was then that it clicked.

"I choose neither. You have both failed to satisfy me the way a real man can, so I'm choosing Cuddles. Since a Moose is nearly a bull." And without daring to look Ron in his heartbroken face, Daisy walked out arm in arm with Cuddles, and out of Ron and Dean's life forever.

"Dude, I'm sorry." Dumbledore said, while a huge smirk still lingered on his wrinkled face. "Is there, anything I can do to help? Wink wink." Dean and Ron ran screaming from the bar, not knowing who he was talking to.

Snape sat alone in his office, with nothing but the comfort of his beloved porn, and Colin doing his detention of a hundred push-ups with the sprinklers on. He pondered the current situation. Normally he would never attempt to take advantage of his position over students to get into a position over them. Something was wrong. And then it clicked.

"I'm having a mid-life crisis!"

"Isn't it a bit late for that, I mean, you're like, 50 or something." Colin panted.

Snape liked that. Ignoring the insult, Snape threw himself on Colin and gave into his wild animal instincts and hugged him.

"Thank you for making me realize the truth. Now I'm off to find the culprit of this devious deed."

Ron lay weeping loudly on his bed. Every person who attempted to comfort him was banished to the toilet after he wept uncontrollably on their shoulders. He was at a loss without his beloved Daisy.

"Come on Ron, cheer up. She wasn't good enough for you. You don't want to be with a cheater. That's what my mum said. Once a cheater, always broke! Though, she never noticed how close Dumbledore was to my dad. So she's not got my vote for president!"

"Hermionie?"

"Yes Ronny poo?"

"Was that supposed to cheer me up?"

"Maybe, if it did, then yes. If not, I was stating a fact. Specially since I'm not going to vote any way." Ron sank to his knees and wept, his tears falling on his lap. "Ok, let's go down the pub. But you should go to the loo first, looks like a bit of an accident there." Ron wailed louder.

The monkey crept silently between the corridors, screeching loudly. He had been at this school for many months, and knew by all peoples talking, that things were not as they should be. Luckily for him, there were cat flaps on all the doors in the school, so he could easily spy on the students, and find the mastermind to this diabolical scheme.

"My-a-hee! My-a-haa! My-a-who? My...a...whore!"

"SHHH!"

"Sorry, forgot I was in the library." Hermionie apologized, then attempted to remember why she had come to the library. Oh yeah, Ron got pissed off at her for constantly bringing up Daisy every time a couple walked by in school, and told her to fix the schools problems. But what were the problems. Everything is normal, and has always been like this.

"SHHH!"

"Sorry, did I say that out loud?"

"Yes, and something strange is going on at this school. You should go talk to my friend in the forest, he knows all about this kinda stuff."

"Thank you mysterious stranger, how can I return the favour?"

"Well, you could scratch a little itch of mine?" But Hermionie had already wandered off to the forest.

A criminal mastermind sat alone, and pondered.

"Now, who's lives should I corrupt next. I know, Hermionie should fall for me, then I'll marry her. Then nobody can take her away when I change the rules on divorce. Oh I love being a criminal mastermind!"

Hermionie patiently sat in the forest. It may normally be filled with random donkeys and other dangerous creatures, but today nothing in there scared her. Not even the butterfly's.

"Helloooo! Mysterious strangers friend?" She turned suddenly as a grunt came out of a bush. "Ron, is that you? Cause if your looking for Daisy again, give it up. She has someone new."

"Aww, but I'm horny. I haven't gotten laid since her."

"Sorry to break up this party children, but I think the young lady was looking for me, for clues about the FUCKed up ness of this school. And before you speak, horny boy, once she fixes this, you'll be back to normal."

"What? Will I have my extremely large dick again?" The figure laughed at him.

"I've been watching you a long time, and I think we all know that's not true."

"You've been watching us?" Hermionie butted in, using her conveniently large butt.

"No, just your horny friend here. You know, normal things. Set up a few magical cameras around the school, and let me tell you, that stud muffin Potter you been bonking, lovely. Kept me warm many a night."

"Ron! I can't believe you!"

"Hermionie, I thought you loved Draco?"

"Oh, no, I think I love someone new."

"Oh, who?"

"Well, he seems a bit strange, but, he's got a really big.."

"We don't need to hear this. You wanted information, and you'll get it. I demand one small thing though."

"Anything."

"I want some quality time with horny's trouser snake." Ron looked horrified.

"Done."