Chapter 12
"I'm lost!" wailed Ron.
"Shut up, we've been in the forest millions of times, and we've never gotten lost."
"Not in the forest 'Mionie. The story line. I can't remember who's shagging who, whether we've ever shagged, or how many toes I have."
"Oh, go read Harry's diary. That's the only way I remember what the fuck is going on in this fucked up school. But thanks to the mysterious stranger number two, we can research a spell to stop the fucked up ness, and hopfully by graduation. Seeing as we haven't learned a thing all year, what with raging hormones and every making interesting new discoveries about themselves. It's like living in a soap opera. Probably not Eastenders, too many deaths in that. Maybe the OC. Lots of shagging in that. Ohh, lovely."
"Hermionie?"
"Yeah. Shagging."
"I'm lost."
"Oh bloody hell. Follow me." And they swiftly walked into a tree.
Harry sat alone in his room. Something didn't feel right. He felt... used. Like his property had been read, like someone had been reading his diary.
A criminal mastermind felt that they wern't being mentioned enough seeing as they put all this effort into destroying everyone's sense at Hogwarts. It did a dance so they could get mentioned.
Hermionie, having lost Ron in the forest and didn't really care, went to the library. She needed a nap. But first she had to figure out what was wrong with the school. The mysterious stranger number 2's voice rang through her head.
"Look for the unexpected." Hermionie turned and found Ginny, as expected, in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"Hermionie, you pretty little thing you. How are you? Ginny said in her most seductive voice."
"Oh, I thought you were doing an evil laugh. Why are you trying to seduce me?"
"Ginny laughed at the sexy brains stupidity. Have you not noticed the way I look at you Hermionie dear? I can't help the way I feel. But for some reason I feel this about everyone now. Luckily not Ron, but everyone else. Even Peeves."
"This can't go on Ginny. I need you to help me with some research. Don't you see, there is a criminal mastermind in this school who has fooled us all. Look, see that person dancing in the corridor, they wouldn't be doing that if the school didn't have some evil curse on it."
"Who is that any way? Cause I think I love them." Ginny swiftly ran away, leaving Hermionie to build a book fortress to sleep behind.
Dawn broke across the sky, and the brides tweeted happily. Huh? Brides? Now that's an unusual typo. Oh dear god, the curse is affecting me to.
"Oh Harry... I've got a surprise for you." Harry's eyes shot open. This was never a good thing since the school went mad. If it's another sex toy I'll brutaly kill Hagrid, he thought.
"Happy Birthday!"
"Wait, it's not Harry's birthday, its only May. It must be mine."
"And who are you?"
The criminal mastermind appeared in the doorway. Of course, no one knew that. They all thought it was some crazy new kid.
"You may call me Man."
"Ok, Man. Why are you wearing those weird clothes that cover your whole face and muffle your voice?"
"Cause it's my brithday of course. Where I come from you wear these clothes once you become 18 and never take them off. I'm now a Ninja."
"Wow, like the teenage mutant ninja turtles?"
"Yes." A crowd of people stopped crowding round Harry and ran to... Man. But Harry wasn't fooled. He knew that you don't get new students in May. And Man also had a very feminine figure in that skin tight catsuit. He would have to ponder this, but he then fell asleep.
Dusk broke across the sky, and the remaining brides had all run off on their husbands. All was silent. Harry was still sleeping, and Ron had finally made it back to school. The house-elves were running around the kitchen trying to prepare the graduation feast. None of them questioned the fact that it was happening so early and that none of the pupils had taken tests yet. Most of them had developed a bad alcohol problem. Damn this Man.
"Snape. I feel old."
"You are old. Strip routins aren't designed for the faint heart."
"Well, thank you for showing it to me, but I'm so tired. Would you mind if we just cuddled?" Dumbledore snuggled against his darling Severus and gently tickled his miniscule chest hair. "Have you considered joining a gym? I can see you have some real potential with these muscles. You could join my traveling strip club. I'm considering setting it up like Voldermort has and having dark marks, but they would be a pair of breasts and would be on you left buttock. What do you think?"
"As long as it's a joined suicide cult then I'm in."
"Oh Sevvy," Dumbledore coo'd softly. "I think I need more then a cuddle now."
"Wait, we need to talk. We both know this and we've been putting it off for too long."
"Oh god. You're breaking up with me?"
"No. The school has gone crazy and we must find the culprit. I've started up a research team and they have come up with some extraordinary results. And a lot of gossip which I will be blackmailing students and teachers with after they are back to what could possibly be called normal."
"You mean..."
"Yes. We have narrowed it down to a magical being. Possibly human."
"Oh. That could be any one."
"Well, this is some advanced magic they have used, and I believe it was a potion. Have you drunk anything mysterious recently?"
"There was this one weird drink at a Griffindor party. It was all pink and bubbley and made me very arroused. But I didn't feel any different after that. Except horny of course."
"No, think further back. Before you started to strip dance."
"But I did this as a way to put myself through clown collage. Back in the 1880's. But it was severly frowned upon, but so was being a clown. I soon became Biffo, the sexiest clown alive. I wonder if I still have the costum."
"Ok, think back to the start of the school year."
"Oh. Yeah, there was a weird drink at the start of year feast. It was also pink, and also left me arroused and wanting to go back to my roots as a stripper. Tasted faintly of macaronni and apricots. Delicious." Snape jumped up and ran out the room. Dumbledore began raiding his fridge for anything pink to drink. He realised that rhymed and started singing too.
The library was crowded with kissing couples. Mostly behind forts made out of books. Snape swiftly made his way over to the restricted section. He didn't know where to look, since the only times he had needed anything from here was when he was in the mood for some very specialised porn. But he knew this library had other uses. He soon got distracted as he stumbled across Potter and someone under his invisability cloak.
Snape snapped out of his trance as he was hit with a slightly damp porn magazine. He screamed girlishly as the cloak slipped off Potter's lover. It was none other than... Dummdy dum... Fancy pottery classes and all that. I mean... Draco! Yes, you all saw that coming.
"Draco, get out from under that Griffindor now. Is this who you wanted me to make that potion for?"
"No sir. No. It was for Neville sir."
"And you expect that to make it better? I understand that people get bad urges at this time in your life, and that some crimminal mastermind has made you all crazy, but this is simply unacceptable. Now, both of you, for your punishment I want you to help me research any pretty pink mind control potions."
