Title: The Voldemort Chronicles
Author: Hysterically Insane Author
Summary: A series of vignettes which show unseen and AU sides of our favourite Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort. This story will involve Speedos, transvestites, porn stars, learning, sickness, sleepovers, punishments, dreams, dancing and so much more!
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Rainforest Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Chapter 2 – Voldemort and Craig the Evil Toilet
Lord Voldemort, like every other…human thing has basic needs. So, Lord Voldemort needed to relieve himself. This was a daily ritual conducted with some annoyance by the Dark Lord as he wished he was immortal and powerful and no longer had the urges of human beings.
This ritual of relieving himself usually started at about five in the evening when he made his way to his bathroom in the Riddle Manor. It was a most beautiful bathroom, bathed in colours of fluro pink, yellow and purple (Lord Voldemort loved to redecorate, twas his favourite hobby).
Once inside Voldemort would talk, quite strictly, to his toilet, Craig. This may have been his downfall, for he did it each day and each day the results were the same.
"Fuck off 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'! You ain't gonna use me, I told you that the last fucking time you were here!" Craig the Evil Toilet shouted.
"I told you to stop calling me that you stupid charmed toilet. I should never have charmed you!"
"Yeah, well I refuse to let you sit on me until you come up with plans that are more cunning then ones cheese come up with!"
"I do so come up with better plans than chunks of cheese! I would have had him in the Ministry of Magic, and the Prophecy is my Death Eaters weren't so damned stupid!"
"Oh yeah, blame it on your subordinates like you always do," Craig replied. "Maybe if you thought happy thoughts your plans might actually work. Of course better plans which aren't so girlie could also work."
"My plans are good you shit-smelling-orange-coloured-freakin'-toilet! So shut up!" Voldemort yelled.
"Oh my, just listen to those come backs, oozing intelligence they are. You know Voldie, are you sure this whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting old? I think you need a new angle," Craig suggested.
"My angle is perfectly fine I'll have you know!" Voldemort bellowed becoming angrier with each time Craig the Evil Toilet spoke.
"My angle is per-fectly fine I'll have you know," Craig repeated in a sing-song-y voice.
"Stop repeating me Craig you stupid Evil Toilet!"
"Haha so you admit that I am more evil then you!" Craig shouted triumphantly.
"Never, I am the most evilest, most powerful and best looking Dark Lord!" Voldemort cried.
"Sorry to break it to you Tommy Boy but no one who is really and truly evil can be mildly depressed or a bit of a control freak so that rules you out," Craig explained patiently.
"I am not depressed or a control freak!"
"Yeah whatever Voldie-poo," Craig said, growing tired of poking fun at the supposed great Dark Lord.
Craig began to spit geckos at Voldemort who ran, scared, to Wormie for comfort.
To be continued…
A/N: So, what do you think of this chapter?
Once again suggestions are welcome.
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