I Wish I Weren't Laughable
The funny one.
Every group has one, whether it's a guy at work, the class clown, or that cliché TV-character created for comic relief. Deep down, they're all the same person. And it doesn't matter how many people they meet or how many lives they touch, each and everyone would still describe them with the same word: 'funny.'
I'm that guy. The guy who doesn't know when to keep his yap shut and cracks some ice-breaking comment whenever there's a weird tension in the room. The dude who's always working on his Bush impersonation to perform later when there's an audience. The same guy who would go to ridiculous extremes, just for the sake of earning a smile from someone. That's me to a T - Michelangelo.
I'm the funny one. And dumb as I am, I always thought that was a good thing.
Every time I made one of my brothers laugh, I took it as a compliment, even if they were laughing at me rather than with me. Important thing was that they were laughing, that they were having fun. Because like any sane person with a heart and a pair of lungs, I prefer my family that way; smiling, happy. And without being aware of it, I made it my job to keep them like that.
I've done it all. The jokes, the funny faces, there are even a few sketches on my résumé. Yeah, maybe they're not so much sketches as they are me making fun of my brothers. But still, it made them laugh, at least. And for a long time, that worked really well. I'm a natural born prankster, so I just made that extra visible, and in return they laughed.
It all balanced out.
Lately though, they haven't been laughing as much. Reality's caught up with us as we've grown up, giving us less reason to laugh. Besides, they've heard all my jokes, a lot of times, actually. And they've gotten tired of them. In return, I'm stuck with that label, them expecting me to be 'funny.' And when growing up like I had, hidden under the city, at war with half of it, you're gonna need someone to talk to at one point or another. Someone to open up to about all the thoughts and feelings that stir up inside of you. There's more to me than just a bunch of jokes, you know. I get scared, worried, sad. Hell, I even get mad from time to time. True, not as often as Raph does. But still... I'm no robot.
Problem is, whenever I've got anything 'not funny' to say, nobody listens. I mean, okay they listen, but they don't really listen, you know? They never take me seriously. I've talked to Splinter about it, but he just thinks it's mostly in my head. He says it's my inner fears brought to life by my mind.
It's not, though.
My brothers rarely see me for anything but the clown with the goofy smile and the silly jokes. I know it's a mask I put on myself. No one forced me. But I just never thought I wouldn't be able to take it off.
It's like when you write something on your arm with one of those giant markers, thinking you're gonna be able to wash it off the next time you shower? Turns out you're stuck with the wannabe tattoo for a whole lot longer than that. And as the days go by, you're just liking it less and less, until you end up trying to scrape it off with your fingernails.
'Better just leave it be,' you think. 'It'll wear off by itself.' Well, I'm still waiting for that ink stain to come off. And let me tell ya, it's a stubborn little fellow. So in the meantime, there's not much I can do except make the best of the situation. I might as well get used to the mask and wear it like I did when I first put it on. After all, we've all got our masks to wear. Fancy facelifts that we hide behind.
Leo's got his 'Splinter Junior' mask. Always doing the right thing, saying the right words. Underneath that perfect surface, though, I don't think he's so spotless. He thinks we expect him to be, and because of it, he expects too much from himself. I mean, c'mon, failing is only human. Not that we're human human, but we've inherited that trait, for sure. Even him. Maybe one day his mask'll come off, maybe not. Who am I to guess? I'm still wearing mine.
Raph's mask is pretty obvious. Everyone knows he's nothing but a softie underneath that tough guy attitude he puts up in front of us. And while he'd never admit to it, he's just afraid of being hurt. If there's anybody with trust issues in this twisted little family of ours, he's your guy. It's like every time someone does anything nice for him, he's left wondering what they get out of it. I suppose he can partly open up to me, but I don't think he'll be able to bare himself completely. Because until he learns to trust himself and that temper of his, he'll never learn to trust anyone else entirely.
Donnie, he's tricky. Because he's not really hiding behind a mask as much as he is hiding in his room. Wonder what he's hiding from, though. Us? Unlike the rest of us, who're hiding our own faults from the world, Donnie's just hiding from the world. While he's a part of the team, fights the fight, walks the walk and talks the talk, he's just not really there like the rest of us. He pulls away, into himself. I guess he feels different from us; his gadgets and hippie-like nature, but when it all comes down to it, we're still the same. We came from the same glass jar and grew up with the same father.
We're brothers.
Besides, he's not that different from us. We're all hiding, for one reason or another.
I just wish I could crawl out from under the bed and keep a straight, non-goofy face in front of my brothers. And when the time comes, when I find the strength to do that, I need them to take me seriously. If I'm mad and need to yell at them, I want them to listen. If I'm worried and need to confide about something, I want them to be there. And more importantly, if a day goes by without me cracking any jokes, I need them to accept that.
The way it is now, they all act like there's something wrong if I don't play the part of the clown. They're all: 'What's the matter, Mikey?' 'Are you okay, Mikey?' 'You're not coming down with something, are you?' I don't think that's fair. I don't go around asking Raph if he's got the flu, just 'cause he hasn't trashed any of our furniture. And if I did, I'd probably earn a slap on the head for it, knowing Raph right.
All I'm asking is a little respect. Kinda like in the song. Just 'cause I'm funny, that shouldn't mean they can't take me seriously. I mean, c'mon, how many people out there are walking around, feeling just one feeling all the time, and displaying the same mood, day in and day out? That's right! No one's that stereotypical! I want them to see that.
I'm still gonna work on my impersonations, though. I like it when they laugh, and I like being the dude that makes them laugh. What can I say? I'm addicted to the attention. I like it.
But while I want them to laugh, I still wish they'd look past that and see me for the turtle I am.
