I Wish I Weren't Unreachable
I know that if it was one thing I could do without, it'd be my regrets. Feels like they're always there, makin' me feel sorry for my family, for treatin' 'em like I do. For years, it's been weighing me down. I'm carrying unresolved issues for an entire lifetime. Me not opening up to anyone is what has made me the person I am.
I wouldn't be as troubled and so damn dark if I would've talked to someone from time to time. I wouldn't be so pessimistic if I'd've let someone show me the good things in life. I guess I just didn't wanna see it. I wanted to be dark. I wanted to be angry. I kinda enjoyed being closed off from everything good in a sorta sick, masochistic way. It was a part of who I was. Cuz I 'm Raphael, the dark one. And I had no problem with that.
I mean, all kids go into a funk when they reach puberty. All kids feel like no one in the entire world understands them. It's only human to reach that part in your life where you hate just about everything and spend most of your time feelin' sorry for yerself - and that's fine. As long as you grow out of it in a few years.
I never did.
When the time came, and I was able to recognize help when it was offered - I still didn't want it. I wanted to be dark, misunderstood. It was all I knew. I mean, if I didn't have my anger, what else would there be left of me? It's like I've been angry for so long, I don't know how to act differently. So I told off whomever tried to help me and crawled back inside my shell, where I could be left alone with my tortured thoughts.
They've all reached out to me, mostly Master Splinter. But I've sent 'em all away. I didn't want their help. I didn't need it. If there was something wrong with me, I'd be able to take care of it by myself. I know I wasn't raised like that, but I believed accepting help would be admitting failure. The same with tears, I considered 'em a weakness.
I've never cried in front of anyone.
Okay, so maybe 'never' is a little too strong. But I can honestly say that since the age of ten, I've never cried in front of my family. It's not that I don't cry. I do, just like everyone else. Maybe not that often, if you know what I mean? But I've definitely cried. The difference with me is that I do it by myself. I don't want people to see that weak, uncontrolled part of me. I get all soft and mushy when I cry, and that's not the type of person I wanna be. It ain't the person I am.
Worst thing I knew as a kid was when I got hurt and started crying, and someone would try to comfort me. Splinter always came up to me, all worried and shit, and asked me what was wrong. It's just that unlike my brothers, I didn't want his help. Whatever it was, I could take care of it by myself. I guess I wanted him to act like there was no problem at all, like I weren't even cryin' in the first place. Every time those damn tears fell, I silently wished he wouldn't make a big deal about it. I wanted him to mind his own business and ignore my pain. But he just kept insisting he'd help me. He's my father, so I guess it was only natural for him to wanna comfort me. And finally, I accepted that.
So as I got older and wiser, I stopped cryin' in front of him. I learned that if I was alone, no one would come and bother me about my tears. If I locked myself up in my room, no one came up to me to comfort me. Eventually, the tears always ended by themselves. I didn't need anyone to dry them for me.
I guess most of us have some trouble when it comes to showing our innermost feelings, admitting pain. Even if none of my brothers have as much trouble with it as I do, they all chose specific parts of themselves they want the world to see.
Leo never had any problems with cryin' as we grew up. He was always the first to crawl up in Splinter's lap for comfort. But as we got older, he kinda stopped. I guess now that he's been chosen to be our leader, he doesn't see it fitting anymore. I mean, what would it look like in war if the captain of the troop suddenly collapsed on the field and started bawling? I guess just like that stern captain, Leo tries to set an example for his younger brothers. He wants to be strong for us. Although we all know he ain't no Superman. So what's the point in pretending he is?
Donnie doesn't cry that much. Not even as a kid. But the few times he's cried, he's never felt it necessary to hide his tears. I suppose he's not ashamed of them like Leo and myself. When you look at it that way, he is perhaps the strongest of us all. If he's happy - he laughs. If he's angry - he mops. If he's sad - he cries. Most of the time though, he's none of the above. Donnie's temper is very even. Usually takes a lot for him to reveal any kind of extreme emotion. But like I said, it's not that he's ashamed or anything, it's just who he is. He's very balanced.
Then there's Mikey. That guy ain't never had any problems with showin' his tears. In fact, when we were kids, it was like there was no end to them. He'd cry for anything - all the time. And if he wasn't cryin', then he'd be laughing. It's like there wasn't any in-between when it came to him. Still isn't. Though he doesn't cry as much as he did when he was younger, luckily. Nowadays, he usually whines if he's not joking around. The only emotion I feel he's never been able to pull off is anger. It's not that he doesn't get angry. I've seen him get angry. I know he has it in him. But he just kind of suppress it and move on. I keep waiting for him to blow, and I know it'll come. Sooner or later, he won't be able to keep it inside - and he'll burst. Wouldn't wanna be around when that moment comes. Think about it. Nineteen years of pent-up anger. You should probably stay clear of that.
Then there's me.
I hurt by myself. I suppose I even love by myself. Any deeper, messier emotion stays within me, where no one else can see it. I know it's stupid. It's stupid as hell! What's the point of having emotions if you never show 'em? It's just... I've been doin' it for so damn long - hurting in secret - it happens on reflex. Whenever a hand is offered, I just automatically slap it away.
Well, I'm tired of bein' angry. I'm sick of bein' alone. I don't wanna be closed and troubled. I wanna be open. I wanna be honest. I wanna get rid of the baggage I've been carryin' for all these years. Cuz there is a huge difference between memories and burdens. Suppressed pain is nothin' but a burden. Nothing good comes with it, and I'm sick of carrying it around on my shoulders.
Only now, I've pushed 'em away so many times - my whole life to be exact - they've gotten tired of it. It's not that they've stopped tryin'. They still reach out when I'm hurting. Especially Leo, he never did know when to mind his own business. The difference is now when I reject him, he gets mad. Actually, furious would be more like it. He's tired of getting the cold shoulder. They all are. And so in result, they blow up in my face about it, telling me I'm not any different from the rest and that I need to get over myself.
They're right.
I need to and I really want to, as well. I want the courage I need to take the hand that's reachin' out for me. I wanna be able to accept help when it's offered. But it's like I've been closed up in myself for so damn long, I don't know how.
I'd have to start fresh. I'd have to tear the walls down and build myself up from the very first brick. I know it ain't somethin' I'd be able to change overnight. It would take some time, years, even. But hopefully, I'll find the strength to try. And for the first time in my entire life, I'd actually need their help with it.
Because while I might still push them away, I wish they wouldn't push back.
