I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Old Earth Song Lyrics
Evanescence
circa 2000AD
It's funny. You and Sid built this ship together, and looking around, I can see little touches of both of you everywhere. You designed the bar, Sid installed the weapons locker…and now being here, it's like having a little angel…and a little devil sitting on each shoulder. Give me a sign, Dad. What would you do?
Capt. Rebeka B. Valentine
circa CY 10089
I'm still standing here in the middle of Maru, the same place Daddy lived for so damn long, when I hear the airlock doors open and the heavy, clumping footsteps of someone coming inside. I turn to see whoever it is.
And am briefly disappointed when I see that it's Dylan.
He looks at me questioningly, clearly wondering what I'm thinking about locked away on the Maru all by myself. And he is my friend…and he does care…so I tell him.
"I used to think I could feel him here. My father," I add at his uncomprehending look. "I used to think that maybe his ghost lived in these walls. He was watching over me. Protecting me."
I used to talk to him. Back when I first started running the salvage business by myself, right after he died. I talked to the Maru and I talked to Daddy, and sometimes I wasn't even sure which one I was addressing. But I was convinced that he could hear me.
I was convinced that he cared about what happened to me.
"But it's not true," I say, my voice harsher than I intended it to be, but I suddenly realize to my horror that I'm struggling against tears. I can't even look at Dylan. "My father is gone," I push on. "And no amount of wishing from a little girl with a broken heart can make that untrue."
"Maybe you're right," Dylan answers me and walks over to rejoin me. "Maybe there is no ghost living in the walls of this ship." He gestures around the Maru.
My home. All that I have left of Daddy, except for my own emotional wounds.
"Your father isn't gone," Dylan continues gently. "His ghost is still very much with you. That ghost lives here—" and he reaches out to tap my heart. "And he always will, as long as you accept him for the man he was, and forgive him for being as flawed as the rest of us." He smiles at me. "Your father isn't gone. He's still here."
Duty done, Dylan smiles at me one last time, and then he leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Somehow, Dylan's little speech completely fails to make me feel better. The fact that it's a mass of clichés probably doesn't help, but still.
"Accept him for the man he was."
But who was he? The man I remember? Or the man Sid tells me he was?
Maybe he was a little of both. Maybe he was devoted father and Flash addict.
Maybe he loved me as much as I loved him but couldn't always show it.
And Dylan's wrong—my father is still in the Maru. Little traces of his soul, of his life, of who he was, are scattered throughout the ship.
And somehow…recognizing that—recognizing the fuzzy dice he gave me for my fourteenth birthday, the marks left on the walls from him shooting at hallucinations, the bar he installed, every bolt and circuit he labored over building this ship—somehow recognizing everything he put into the Maru makes me feel better.
While I don't feel good by any means, and I still can't help thinking that I may damn well end up the same way Daddy did, I do feel enough 'better' to stay standing.
And I guess, in the end…that's all you can ask for.
To still be on your feet at the end of the day.
Eject Cargo Pod: Yes / No
Yes
And "My Immortal" is officially over. -sad-
