Note: This is not a self-insert by the author. Amy is a real person and writes on this site. Her pen name is Bungle-in-the-Jungle. She is not a "mary-sue" this is how she really acts.
Ahhh. The High-lights of week one, raising your not-so-average demonic five year old. (Written by Bungle-in-the-Jungle.)
Day 1
"It can't be…you're lying. You have to be; there isn't any other explanation to this."
"Morgan, go watch some TV; I have to beat some sense into your father."
Three hours later.
"AL! Would you STOP IT?"
Amy hit Alucard's
head with the pot.
"OW! Don't call me Al! It's not
my name!" And as an afterthought, "And don't hit me either!"
Day 2
2:00 in the morning. Oh the insaneness of this family.
"Mommy, why is daddy in the Time-Out Corner? Did he flush the cat's head down the toilet toooooo?"
"No, Morgan, daddy didn't flush the cat's head---wait, Morgan, why would the cat's head be flushed down the toilet?"
"Never mind, mommy!"
"Wait a minute" Amy started as her son ran off into another room.
"Morgan Maxwell, you
get back here this instant!"
Evening, with Alucard off doing
what Hellsing does.
"But you don't understand, Kat! He's being so difficult!"
"Just give him time. He'll come around."
"I've been giving
him nothing but time! He's had what? 5, 6 years? THAT SHOULD BE
TIME ENOUGH I THINK!"
And yes, the person on the other end went
deaf in one ear for a day…
Day 3
Bonding time?
"Morgan! What did you do?"
"I just wanted to see what would happen, mommy. Geez…"
Alucard's eyes popped open and darted around.
"Where is the little shit, Amy? I'll tear him limb from limb!"
"He's not a
'little shit' Al, he's your son!" Amy bent down and picked up
the vampire's severed head and faced him towards his body. "I'm
sorry, Al; you know how little boys get when given sharp
objects…."
"AHHHHHHHHHH! MY BODY! My-my…he cut
off…cut off…"Then he fainted. Again.
Morgan had beheaded his father in more ways than one.
Bonding time? Maybe not.
"Awww, he's so cute!" Alucard looked at the head of Hellsing as if she were insane.
"Yeah,
he's cute alright, until he castrates you because he wanted to 'see
what would happen.' I haven't been able to do it for two weeks
because of him."
"Well then, he's certainly your
son."
Thank you, Integra, for pointing out the obvious.
Day 4
"He set…HE SET IT ON FIRE?" Amy nearly dropped the phone in horror.
"Everyone's ok though, right?...Okay, I'll be right over, Kat." She hung up the phone and turned to Alucard, fuming.
Alucard looked up from his game of solitaire, "What happened?"
"Morgan set Kat's dining room table set-the entire thing, tables, chairs, all of it-on fire! Fire! With STICKS no less. I told him that Kat was a friend and we don't do mean things to friends.!"
"…What did you tell him about me?"
"…………that you needed mental help 80 percent of the time."
So, when are the men in the white jackets coming?
Alucard is finally able to go off and do his Hellsing job. Unfortunately, things were a little painful.
"He-YAH!" Alucard's eyes crossed in pain.
"Damnit, Anderson…I just re-grew those!" he growled through clenched teeth…er fangs.
"You WHAT!"
Day 5
Never over-look the technical people. Never a good idea.
"TEEECH!" Morgan yelled. "Daddy's hitting me!"
"NANI!"
"You're gonna get it now." The boy hissed in spiteful glee.
Techs always find some way to pay you back.
"Oh, well, besides the fact he abused your five-year-old, everything was just peachy." Amy's eyes widened.
"Could you hold on a second, Molls?"
Amy set the phone down, grabbed a kitchen knife and went into the bathroom.
"Hey, Al? Could you come here for a second?"
"What did I tell you about calling me Al!" he grumbled walking into the small white room.
"BUTTHEAD!" Amy yelled, jumping off the toilet seat and cutting off Alucard's head.
Flipping open the toilet seat, she stuck his severed head in an flushed.
"Now, what the fuck did you do to my son!"
Morgan giggled in the doorway holding a phone..
"…now she flushed his head down the potty, Techie…"
Laughter could be heard from the phone. Yea, they always get you back.
Day 6
"No, I'm sorry, Pete. Morgan and I won't be able to come over for the cook-out tonight…" Amy trailed off, plucking sharpened scissors out of her son's raised fists as her ran past, chasing the cat.
"No, Pete, Morgan's not in the hospital again, we just found ourselves hosting some…unexpected guests…okay. Talk to you later then. Bye."
"Who was that?" Alucard snapped from the couch.
"It was Pete, why?"
"Are you seeing him?"
"What's it to you?"
"I think I deserve to know if the mother of my child is sleeping around-" and he would have said more, sinking himself in further, if Amy hadn't flung the scissors at his throat, severing his vocal cords.
Day 7
Don't we all just love demonic children? I'm sure teachers do too….
"Mrs. Watson, slow down!" Amy yelled into the mouthpiece of the phone. "Now, please repeat that calmly for me."
"Your son, Ms. Callahan, found his way into the janitor's closet this afternoon. He managed not only to create havoc by making fireballs with aerosol cans, but effectively gave all the girls in his class concussions! Morgan is facing expulsion, Ms. Callahan," the principal said sternly. "If he does anything like this again, we won't let him come back; do you understand?"
Amy sighed, looking a Alucard, who was seated at the table.
"Yes, Mrs. Watson, I understand. Should I come pick him up?"
Picking children up from school? Never thought the 'mighty' Alucard would be one.
"Why do I have to be here again?"
"……….because you're his father."
"I didn't even know the little shit 'till a few days ago! That barely counts!"
"Stop calling him a 'little shit' Alucard, you're gonna give him a complex!"
"………….he already has a complex, Amy."
