Chapter one: A journal
It hurts. I wish I could smile a real smile, no another fake old stupid smile. But I can't. No one notices, but every time they say those things to me they make it more and more difficult to smile a real smile.
All I hear are those comments:
"Why don't you stop wasting your time and make something useful?"
"How long are you going to stay there doing nothing?"
"Why don't you focus on the important things instead of those songs?"
I have my own questions you know? Like why no one cares about what's important to me? I know that listening to music and trying to write lyrics is useless to everyone else, but to me they are my refugee, the only thing that brings peace to my mind. It's my dream, probably the only one I have.
And they want to take that away from me too.
Like everything else wasn't enough, not the bullying, or the emptiness, the feeling that I'm failing to them, no, that's not enough, they also want to take away from me what's kept me sane through all the pain I've been feeling for the lasts months.
And it's not like I'm good at anything else. I mean, I'm only at school 'cause my parents would have a heart attack or something if I stopped going. The only thing I've ever wanted, truly wanted to be in my life it's so impossible and ridiculous that I haven't dare to tell anyone, they might as well laugh about it.
I want to be a singer.
I know, stop laughing about it. It's just.... whenever I'm singing I feel so free... these songs I write... they might seem like crap to anyone else, but I'm so proud of them! And it's not like I can't stop it! No matter where I am or what I'm doing, my brain doesn't seem to stop thinking about it, and the inspiration flies freely. I have imagined so many times myself singing so many different songs that it's becoming almost real to me.
-sight- If only I were stronger... but I'm afraid that if I try becoming a singer I'll fail. Or even worst, that I'll succeed and when I'm at the top of my career my inspiration will leave me, and I won't be able to sing again or write songs that make people dream. And then I'll fall.
What if I try and I can't come up with something good enough?
Will everyone tell me "I told you so" and laugh to me?
Will they look at me in disappointment and say nothing, like all those times before?
Gotta go. I have homework and they are waiting for me to go, smile and do something 'useful' instead of being here in my room doing 'nothing'... if only they knew... but it's useless to try talk to them. After all, they are my parents and the 'adults' here, aren't they? They know what's best for me, right?
If that's true... then why am I feeling so down, why do I want to escape from here and never come back, why do I want to scream and let the world know that I'm more that the 'cute cheerful' guy of the class?
Why can't I let the real Ryuichi out, and smile a real smile?
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of it's characters.
A/N: Sorry if there are mistakes. No beta-reading this time. Next: A book.
