HALO: Combat Dissolved
Humorous Version
In Script Format
Based upon the Halo Game Script by "Wesker"
A/N: Well, lots of kind words on Chapter One. Glad you guys like it so far. Someone pointed out there already IS a "HALO: Combat Devolved" story on so out of respect for that author's work, I am changing the working title of mine to Combat Dissolved. We'll see if that sticks.
Just a point of info for everyone—but the "Humorous Versions" started out as Star Wars related items on boards back in 1999 with The Phantom Menace. They were basically round-robin stories based loosely on the internet-published scripts. Many thanks to the originators of the "Humorous Version" ideology: study3600, Purp, DarthVacuous, and those who contributed to the SW Hvs... of course, in that light, if you have any good ideas with regards to jokes or gags, let me know.
Also, I apologize for the late update—I spent a week out at an Army Reserve installation doing active training for the State Guard, so I do have something of an excuse... ;)
On to the story...
Chapter 2—BAGEL
EXT BAGEL—atmosphere
The LIFERAFT from the Pillar in Gotham rockets through the upper atmosphere, deploying its sail-like AIRBRAKES in an attempt to slow down.
INT Life Raft cockpit
Marine Pilot: Damn! The airbrakes are failing...deployed too soon. We're losing her! Brace for impact!
The BASTARD CHIEF braces himself, holding firmly onto the RED BAR marked "EMERGENCY ESCAPE HATCH, DO NOT OPEN UNLESS ON THE GROUND!"
EXT BAGEL—atmosphere
The LIFERAFT continues descending, the sail-like AIRBRAKES breaking off. RETRO THRUSTERS from the nose fire, as the RAFT plummets toward the ground.
FADE to BLACK
For-Tuna(VO): Chief! Chief! Are you alright? Chief?
INT LIFERAFT
The CHIEF stirs slightly, looking around. The back ESCAPE HATCH is wide open. There are several BODIES strewn nearby.
For-Tuna(VO): The others...scanning. It appears they died from injuries sustained by a fall from a great height.
The BASTARD CHIEF quickly removes his hand from the EMERGENCY ESCAPE HATCH BAR.
Austin-316: Really? Well, that's interesting. Wonder how that happened. We should probably get moving before the Convent show up to check the crash out.
EXT BAGEL—liferaft crash site
The BASTARD CHIEF walks amongst the corpses, rummaging through their load-bearing equipment, scavenging ammo, grenades, and weapons.
For-Tuna(VO): Alert! Convent dropship inbound. We should try to hide.
AUSTIN-316 tries to fit in amongst the CORPSES.
For-Tuna(VO): What the hell are you doing?
Austin-316: You said hide. No place better to hide than right under their noses. Don't worry, we'll fit right in.
For-Tuna(VO): (uncertain) I hope you know what you're doing...
A C-shaped CONVENT DROPSHIP looms into view overhead. It settles about 30 meters up-spin. Its side panels open and disgorge a RECON SQUAD, consisting of 4 RUNTS, 2 JACKALOPES, and an EL337 COMMANDO. They file out and begin cautiously searching the crash site.
Runt One: Walking up to the BASTARD CHIEF, who is laying on the ground Look! Look what I found!
The rest of the RECON SQUAD circles around AUSTIN-316.
EL337 Commando: (speaking Swaheili) Subtitled: It appears to be the augmented human that the Archbishops mentioned... the Demon. Runts! Pick him up and we'll load him into the dropship!
The RUNTS each go to an arm or leg and attempt to lift AUSTIN-316. They manage to lift him barely an inch off the ground.
Austin-316: Looking at the Runt holding his right arm Take me to your leader.
AUSTIN-316 flexes his arm, sending the RUNT flying into a nearby TREE, cracking its skull. He kicks his legs together, crushing the two RUNTS holding them with a satisfying THWACK. He reaches to his belt, grabbing and igniting a PLASMA GRENADE, which he sticks to the final RUNT, tossing the RUNT into the waiting JACKALOPES and EL337.
WHUMP
Corpses fly everywhere as the grenade explodes
For-Tuna(VO): I give that an 8 overall. 10 for ballsiness, 9 for imagination, but only 6 for intelligence. They COULD have killed you. There's two of us in here now, you know.
AUSTIN-316 gets up and shakes off the grass and blood. Collecting his weapons, he moves out, crossing a deep ravine by means of a single long support beam. As soon as he reaches the other side, a line of plasma bolts stitches the ground as his feet.
For-Tuna(VO): Look! Up there! It's a bird...no...a plane...
Austin-316: Whatever it is, it's shooting at us!
AUSTIN-316 ducks behind a large group of boulders, firing at the CONVENT aircraft with his MA-5B. After several strafing runs, the AIRCRAFT are smoking and sparking from the BASTARD CHIEF's return fire. They wobble off over the horizon.
For-Tuna(VO): That was close. Hmmm...interesting. I'm reading another liferaft beacon over the rise. We should go check it out.
Austin-316: Ahhh hell. I've got nothin better to do.
AUSTIN-316 makes his way down-spin, staying behind rocks and trees for cover and concealment. He comes across a patrol of RUNTS, taking them out at range with shots from his scoped pistol. He continues out into a clearing, where there is a large structure, surrounded by UNSC MARINES. Several MARINES walk up to admire the CHIEF's armor.
EXT Clearing—by a large unknown structure
Marine PVT: Wow, hey look. That's shiny.
Marine PFC: (nodding his head) Oohhh...shiinnnnnyyyy...
The SQUAD LEADER approaches the group.
Marine SGT: (to the MARINES) What the HELL are you idiots doing? WHACK Get your maggot-ridden corpses back to work fortifying this location! (to the CHIEF) Sorry, Chief. You know young Marines...they see something shiny and get all distracted. Anyways, I'm glad to see ya. It seems we're well and truly screwed. The liferafts are scattered all over this valley...we've called for evac, but I haven't gotten a response. Until you showed up, I thought we were hosed.
Marine LCPL(VO on radio): Sarge! We got inbound Convent Dropships!
Austin-316: Well, seems you spoke too soon, Sergeant. (nodding to self) It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm allll outta gum.
For-Tuna(VO to Austin): Where the hell do you GET these lines?
Austin-316(to For-Tuna): You've never played Duke Nukem? You're missing out...
For-Tuna(VO to Austin): (exasperated) Men...
As another C-shaped CONVENT DROPSHIP approaches, the MARINES and AUSTIN-316 make their way to the top of the structure. There, AUSTIN-316 finds a huge stash of weapons, ammo, and medikits.
Austin-316: Hey Sergeant...you mean to say that all your men and all your equipment survived the crash...and you managed to set up an armory and fortified position in less than 10 minutes?
Marine SGT: Well, Chief, ya got a point. Ordinarily no. But this is the "easy" difficulty.
MARINE SGT and AUSTIN-316 look meaningfully at the PLAYER.
Player One: Heh...you guys want Legendary, no problem, just let me...
Marine SGT and Austin-316: (in unison) No, no, no! Wait!
Player One: That's what I thought.
As the DROPSHIP glides to a hover over a clearing about 60 meters away, it lowers and opens its sides, releasing a squad of RUNTS, JACKALOPES, and two EL337s. They make their way towards the UNKNOWN STRUCTURE.
For-Tuna(VO): Hey Chief...bet you can't make a field goal from here.
Austin-316: You're on.
AUSTIN-316 takes a plasma grenade from his belt, dropping it and kicking it on the activation stud. The grenade flies towards the CONVENT SQUAD, igniting in mid-flight, landing at the feet of a JACKALOPE in the center of the formation.
Jackalope: Looking down ...uh-oh...
WHUMP...pieces of Jackalope, Runt, and EL337 rain down on the Marines.
Marine PVT: GOAL!
Marine CPL: Damn, Chief, if this war ever ends, every UNFL team left in the League is going to want to sign you!
John Madden(VO): Now you see, if you'll just direct your attention to the screen here (view changes to slo-mo replay of the Chief's punt of the grenade), that the Chief's perfect arc on that kick (a line appears tracing it) allowed it to sail for that perfect scoring shot...
(view changes to slo-mo replay of CONVENT SQUAD)
Jackalope: eyes widening as grenade lands at its feet ... uh...oh...
WHUUMMMMMMP...
EL337 #1: RAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH... tries to shield self behind JACKALOPES but is caught in the blast as well
As the bright light clears in SLO-MO, we see the entire CONVENT SQUAD laying hither and yon...some in more pieces than others.
John Madden(VO): Now let's get some commentary...Terry?
For-Tuna(VO): I think you've said enough already.
John Madden(VO): I'm just warming up. We have a whole half-hour post-battle show to do.
For-Tuna(VO): Your show just got canceled. (to Chief) I think I've isolated his signal, Chief. We won't be hearing more of him anymore.
Austin-316: Bout damn time. He's almost as irritating as Coach.
For-Tuna(VO): Who?
Austin-316: Never mind. That was another life, another time.
A PIGEON dropship approaches from up-spin, circling the complex erratically.
Pigeon Pilot(VO): ("California Surfer Dude" accent) Whoa...dude. This's like...Pigeon dropship Echo 420. Any friendly dudes left alive down there?
For-Tuna(VO): Roger, Echo 420. This is Fire Team Charlie. Is that you, Hotbox?
Pigeon Pilot(VO): Like totally. Wha's uuuuup, dude?
For-Tuna(VO): Hotbox, we need transportation to the command shuttle.
Hotbox(VO): No prob, Your Hotness.
Several UNSC LIFERAFTS speed through the atmosphere overhead.
For-Tuna(VO): Hey...if WE were on the LAST liferaft, why're they landing half an hour AFTER us?
Bungie Writer #1: WH...
WRITER #1 is stopped mid-WHACK by WRITER #2
Bungie Writer #2: Wait...this time she's got a point. Common sense, man.
Bungie Writer #1: Hell, he's right. Alright, you get this one free...
For-Tuna(VO): Thank you. So anyhow, what say we go rescue those Marines, Chief?
Austin-316: Do I get a choice?
Bungie Writers: NO.
For-Tuna(VO): Hotbox, we need your WortWortWortHog.
Hotbox(VO): Ok, dude. Just be sure not to scratch the paint...I JUST got this custom paint job done last time we put in to port.
Hotbox's Pigeon circles once more, then expertly glides in to a flat clearing nearby to AUSTIN-316, hovering a few feet above the ground, the WortWortWortHog disengages from the back. AUSTIN-316 takes a minute to examine the paint job: the LRV is covered with five-pointed leaves.
Austin-316: That's an interesting camo scheme. Poison Ivy?
Hotbox(VO): laughing Dude...for a Chief, you're hella dense.
Hotbox's Pigeon dusts off and flies in the direction of the crashed liferafts.
For-Tuna(VO): Thanks Hotbox. Be sure to stick around...the Chief has a habit of getting in tight spots, we may need a fast extract. (to the Marine SGT) It's kind of a long drive. We could use someone to play "slugbug" with...
Marine SGT: You got it, ma'am! MOVE, Marines!
A MARINE PVT jumps in the passenger seat of the WortWortWortHog, and a MARINE CPL hops in the back, charging the .50 cal machine gun.
Marine CPL: Lock n' load, Chief! Let's go!
As AUSTIN-316 guns the 'Hog, he aims directly for a rise, punching the gas as he nears the top. The 'Hog flies through the air, getting some decent "hang time" before landing.
Marine CPL: Hell yeah!
Marine PVT: Uh-RAH!
Austin-316: Three-time 4x4 Off-Road Challenge champ here.
AUSTIN-316 rides over a stream, finding a square cave opening.
For-Tuna(VO): Hmmm...interesting. This cave is obviously not a natural formation. Someone must've built it.
Austin-316: Are you going to just spend the rest of this game stating the obvious, or what? Do you do ANYTHING useful?
For-Tuna(VO): Weeeellll...I've hacked into XBOX Live...we've got a free lifetime subscription. (pause) They're transmitting billing information on unencrypted channels...suckers. We should show them who they're dealing with. I'm going to use your suit's COM system to hijack credit card numbers.
Austin-316: (obviously impressed) Hm. What about the Convent?
For-Tuna(VO): Oh. Them. Analyzing... (short pause) ... well, it seems they're not doing much but playing QUAKE3 on their net. Just a second, Chief... (long pause) oh boy, they're mad now. I just waxed the EL337 Fleet Commander in QUAKE, raided his personal image files, and sent nudie pics of his wife to the entire Convent Fleet. That should tie up their net for a while.
AUSTIN-316 and the MARINES continue into the cave formation, jumping a couple of small ramps. They then come into a large clearing, at the opposite end of which is a huge chasm, with no apparent way to cross. To make things worse, the clearing is filled with bloodthirsty CONVENT troops. Several plasma bolts whiz by the 'Hog. The MARINES open fire with the .50 cal and MA-5B. The BASTARD CHIEF dismounts and charges ahead to meet the CONVENT up close and personal.
INT BAGEL—Large Chasm
AUSTIN-316 charges into a group of RUNTS and JACKALOPES, bringing out his Ka-Bar knife and doing a little wetwork, carving, hacking, and slashing. An EL337 rushes towards AUSTIN-316, but is shredded by a hail of .50 cal rounds. The area clear, AUSTIN-316 returns to the Hog.
Marine CPL: That looks like all of them, Chief. So...how do we get across?
Marine PVT: Hey, look. There's a landing up there. Why not go check it out?
Austin-316: Great idea, Private. Get to it.
Marine PVT: Sorry, Chief...I can only follow you around. We weren't given independent squad movement AI.
Bungie Programmers: Awww come ON. We DID have to ship the game, you know...
Austin-316: Well hell. Guess I'm doing everything by myself, huh?
AUSTIN-316 dismounts and heads up the ramp to the landing, rounding the corner and running face-first into an EL337 COMMANDO.
EL337 Commando: What the...? Err, that is...I mean... "0WN3D"...
Austin-316: Wait. You speak English?
EL337 Commando: Uhhhh...no entiendo. No hablo ingles. Solamente espanol. (Subtitle: I don't understand. I don't speak English. Only Spanish.)
Austin-316: (reading the subtitle) Oh. Well how'd you learn English? Not to mention Spanish? (Subtitle: Oh. Asi como se puede aprender ingles? Y tambien espanol?)
Player One: What kinda cutscene is this?
Bungie Writers: Yeah, what the hell?
Author: No s—t.
A large anvil falls on the EL337 COMMANDO, killing him instantly.
Bungie Writers: Plot convenience! We like that. But an anvil? How likely is THAT?
WHACK
Author: Hey, it's more original than a "random" explosion.
AUSTIN-316 shrugs and makes his way to the landing, where there are several glowing holographic displays. He begins pushing buttons at random. Below, two large nacelles extend across the chasm, emitting an energy beam.
Austin-316: Now THAT'S a cool special effect.
Bungie Graphic Designers: Damn straight.
AUSTIN-316 makes his way back down to the 'Hog, jumping in and driving towards the energy bridge. As they make their way across, they encounter light resistance, then drive through another cavern towards the surface.
For-Tuna(VO): Hm. There's traffic on the Convent battle net. It seems the Fleet Commander's wife is quite the hot topic, if you catch my drift. It also seems that a lot more crew made if off the Gotham than I first thought. Captain Morgan really gave them hell. If we can find Morgan and the other crew members, we can really organize a union and set up some resistance.
AUSTIN-316 moves on through several more passageways, again opening into a vast valley, conveniently bordered by impassable cliffs. Nearby there is a LIFERAFT, with several bodies strewn about, and gear lying everywhere.
EXT Bagel—large valley
For-Tuna(VO): Hmmm...seems someone ELSE had the bright idea of using the emergency escape hatch release as a handgrip, as well.
Austin-316: Great minds think alike?
Marine PVT: Nothing for us here, Chief. Let's move on.
The WortWortWortHog barrels over several hills, across a river, and down a steep ravine, coming to an area with several other buildings. Nearby is another downed LIFERAFT
Marine PVT: Hmm...there's no bodies. They must've left the area...they might be in those structures.
WHACK
For-Tuna(VO): Overstating the obvious is MY job...
Marine PVT: rubbing the back of his head Yes, ma'am.
AUSTIN-316 and the MARINES aboard the Hog dismount and proceed towards the structures where several MARINES are taking cover
Marine SGT: Good to see you, Chief!
Marine LCPL: The Cavalry has arrived!
For-Tuna(VO): I've called for an evac.
Marine SGT: Prep for extract, pronto, Marines!
Hotbox(VO): Whoa, hey...like...Echo uhmmm...420. (aside to someone else) Yeah, that's right, isn't it? (murmur in background) Yeah, uhmmm...Echo-420 to For-Tuna. What's up, foxy lady?
For-Tuna(VO): (obviously irritated) We've found survivors, they need immediate extract.
Hotbox(VO): Dude, sure. No prob, bob.
Hotbox's PIGEON flies around the COMPLEX, spewing smoke from the windows and back bay door.
For-Tuna(VO): Hotbox, your ship is smoking everywhere. Are you hit?
Hotbox(VO): (playing in background: Steppenwolf "Magic Carpet Ride")Naw, dude. Why you think they call me "Hotbox"?
Hotbox's PIGEON hovers into a clearing and lowers the back ramp. The MARINES pile in, doing their best to hold their breath as the dank smell (or smell of dank?) boils forth from the rear hatch of the PIGEON. When the MARINES have boarded, the PIGEON closes its back ramp and starts to fly off.
Hotbox(VO): Oh, dude. Almost forgot to tell you—I saw another liferaft when I was comin in. It's like...somewhere by a...what do you call those things?
For-Tuna(VO): A mountain?
Hotbox(VO): No...they're by mountains...uhmmmm...
Austin-316: A valley?
Hotbox(VO): Nope..uhmmmm...
Marine PVT: A ravine?
Marine SGT: A saddle?
Hotbox(VO): No...uhmm...they make guides about books...you know, so you can do a book report without having to read it...
All: Cliffs?
Hotbox(VO): YEAH! That's it! Damn, you guys are smart...
The GROUP re-mounts the Hog and begins driving back the way they came, through the same valley, which is now populated by RUNTS and JACKALOPES. AUSTIN-316 runs them down with the HOG.
Marine CPL: Fifty points!
The Hog heads upwards through a pass in a mountain, coming out in a...
EXT—Rocky Clearing—Day
Several MARINES are engaged in a hellacious firefight with a group of RUNTS, JACKALOPES, and EL337s. The large rocks strewn everywhere make it impassable to the WortHog. AUSTIN-316 and the MARINES dismount.
Austin-316: Move out and draw fire!
Marines: Uuuuuhhh-rahhhh!
All charge in, spraying fire and ventilating RUNTS, EL337s, and JACKALOPES, taking out the whole group in short order.
Marines on Ridge: Wow, good to see ya, Chief! Thanks for the assist!
Hotbox(VO on radio): Hey, For-Tuna...I'm back and ready for more Marines.
For-Tuna(VO): Good work, Hotbox. Your LZ is secure.
The PIGEON drops in, smoke still pouring from the windows and rear bay, it lands in the least rocky area and lowers the back ramp. The STRANDED MARINES pile in, several retching as they enter the smelly dropship.
AUSTIN-316 and his MARINES re-mount the WortHog.
For-Tuna(VO): We're heading off to find the last liferaft.
AUSTIN-316 drives the Hog back through the pass and towards a large clearing
For-Tuna(VO): Warning. Apparently the Convent have secured the Pillar in Gotham's crash site. The good news is that the Captain is still alive. The bad news is the Captain didn't finish off the drinks...the Convent have captured all of the remaining liquor stores. Let's hurry up and find the last liferaft so we can rescue the booze.
AUSTIN-316 pulls around a corner, seeing several CONVENT RUNTs attacking a squad of MARINES who're set up inside. AUSTIN-316 watches from a distance.
Marine CPL: Hey Chief. Aren't we gonna go help?
Austin-316: Nah, they got it.
As the MARINES are over-run and outgunned, the CONVENT forces turn towards the WortHog and charge
Austin-316: Ok, maybe not. Open fire!
The MARINES open fire with the .50 cal and the MA-5B, cutting the CONVENT down with a hail of hot lead.
Marine PVT: Get some!
Hotbox(VO on radio): Hey...Hotbox here...conveniently back and ready when the fighting's over...
For-Tuna(VO): Yeah...how DO you know when the fighting's done? And why're you talking normally now?
Hotbox(VO): Well, I was monitoring your radio traffic, so I'd know when to pick you up. Oh, and I stopped smoking out...the Convent also captured my stash of weed. Gotta make what I've got last, ya know. Where's the Marines?
Austin-316: Oh...they uhhhh...were dead before we arrived. We're ready for pick-up.
For-Tuna(VO): Hate to break up the chat, but I've intercepted some Convent transmissions and found Captain Morgan! He's being held on a Convent Cruiser—the Tyranny and Capitulation...a ship I disabled before the MAC-n-cheese cannon on the Gotham was destoyed. They touched down on an open desert about 300 klicks up-spin. Let's go get the Captain!
Austin-316: You heard the lady. Hotbox, get your dope-head ass down here. We've got work to do.
The PIGEON pulls in overhead, AUSTIN-316 and the MARINES pile out of the Hog, while Hotbox pulls in to position. AUSTIN-316 reattaches the Hog and everyone piles in to the PIGEON.
End of Chapter Two.
Endnote: There wasn't as much comedic material to work with in this chapter...so I hope you don't think I'm slipping in my talents. ;)
Next chapter should be a little more interesting... and a little more timely.
