Penni's Coma

(Penni)

Random musings by Penni, inside the darkness.

Disclaimer: Of course I own everything. I'm offended that you doubt me. Hang on a second, Shouts "JOSS WHEDON! Get back in your cage, I'm trying to convince people that I own your stuff!"

Looks around "Heh, heh… Oh well…

Fine, I don't own any of it. Okay? FINE!"

I've always liked darkness. Even when I was little, and scared of the dark, it held a certain charm for me. As I grew older, the darkness became- if not a friend- certainly a companion I anticipated with pleasure. Rain and snow and darkness. I loved them all.

But

There comes a time, when there is too much darkness. When the night has lasted too long. When you wish that, if you're going to be surrounded by night, that it could feel like night, with wind and stars and moonlight…But none of that was there. So this isn't night.

I finally really realized that this day. This night. This week, month, year, minute, second, I don't know. I can't tell anymore when or where I am. I don't remember what happened, barely remember coming here- Where is here- I just know that, for the first time in my life- what is life- I am tired of the darkness.

People come into light beyond the darkness, voices, trying to comfort me. Trying, I think through the haze, to comfort themselves. I hope it works, but I can barely hear them. It's like being almost asleep and trying to stay awake, trying to convince yourself, you're not asleep. The muddle of sounds, sounds, only sounds, I can feel nothing else. Sight? There is nothing to see but darkness. Smell? I am surrounded by a sterile cold world where little can be smelled and nothing is worth it. Touch? I feel nothing but cold. Taste? My mouth is dry and choking, but I taste nothing.

So Sound becomes my world, and I hear, or I try to. The sounds are muddled, confusing, bits and snatches of kind voices that I can't follow. The voices talk, but I can't understand them. It doesn't matter: It means so much that they're there. Someone- does this world have people- comes and talks, the blurry speech I'm becoming used to. Another comes, and speaks to the first. They come. They go. They come back. Or someone else comes back. I can't tell, and I find it difficult to care.

If I care, I think.

If I think I start to panic.

When I panic, I can't breath, and alarms go off, and people come, and they are so loud and I get even more panicky and I can't rest until I sleep. Or sink deeper into the darkness, I suppose, since I can't exactly sleep, and I can't exactly wake up.

So I don't think, and I don't care.

Another voice comes, & I know this voice: Jeremiah, my not so little brother, with our baby sister, Kelli. I am happy at the sound of their innocent laughter.

They talk,

They laugh.

They grow slowly quieter.

Finally, They stop talking, but I feel them near.

I retreat to the quiet darkness, half asleep, half awake. Half awake, half… not. Unable to speak, I pray.

God help me.

God hold me.

God save me.

God love me.

Hold my family.

Hold my friends.

Bring me home.

Bring me peace.

Dona nobis pacem.

Give us peace.

And I sing, in my mind, in my heart.

Dona nobis, pacem, pacem. Dona nobis pacem

More voices come, and go, and come. Jer is awake, Jer is asleep, awake, asleep. Kelli is laughing, Kelli is crying, Kelli's is asleep. Kelli sleeps while Jer talks, Jeremiah is asleep while Kelli is decidedly not.

Another voice comes. Cheerful to the point of pain.

Cheering Kelli.

Cheering Jer.

Clicking, clacking, nervous crashing noises. And there is music. Glory be to God, there is music.

I can hear music, and I feel more peace. Not much more, but more, is more, is more. Thank You for the music.

Voices come and go, Jeremiah and Kelli leave.

They must need sleep, the can't stay here: it's dark here. What am I talking about, I ask, and I don't know I answer.

Hours of silence pass.

Hours upon hours.

Hours, hours and hours, and a dim part of my mind says that night must have come.

More hours pass, and an ironic part of my mind says that night has to have passed by now.

Then a few more intolerably long hours pass.

The last bit of logic in my brain tells me, that there aren't that many hours in a night, and so my sense of time must be off.

So they only seem like hours.

Very long hours.

This train of thought gets me through another few theoretical hours.

I hear noises, and decide that the theoretical hours of theoretical night have finally given way to theoretical hours of theoretical day.

Brusque people come in, efficiently making me uncomfortable.

Jeremiah comes back. Kelli comes back.

Then more comforting voices coming and going, and cycle continues. I begin to mentally use words that I didn't know I knew on the subject of déjà vu.

A knock- is there a door- and Jeremiah invites in another voice. The voice comes in. The voice speaks. I expect there to be clicking people and alarms soon, because I think my heart just stopped.

Conner.

He's here. I'm crying inside- is there an outside- though I can't feel it.

Jeremiah talks softly. Conner speaks softly back. Jeremiah says something- why can't I hear what is said- and then Jeremiah leaves. Kelli leaves.

It's just me.

And Conner.

And the darkness.

And Conner speaks.

"Can you hear me, Penni?"

Of course I can! I say it. I try to say it. I can't: no sound comes, and I want to cry. I try and try and try, try so hard to talk, to say something. He sounds so sad, and all I want to do is make him happy. To give him peace. I give up- it takes all my energy to focus on the words. But there are no words. He's not talking, I can't stand it, I almost scream, but I can't.

Then I sense something. A scent, something that doesn't smell like soap and alcohol and refrigerated air. Splendour? My mother's perfume? She wore that all the time, whenever she went to a party, or to church. She let me borrow it, sometimes on special occasions, or when I was crying and needed something to go with her hug, or just when I was going to be away from home, and wanted to take her scent with me.

It was my favorite, and it always made me feel safe. Like she was holding me all the time whenever I wore it… and when she- when she died, it was the closest I could come to feeling that embrace again.

I breathe as deeply as I can. And there's that safe feeling again. Like Mum is holding me one more time. And somehow, I don't feel sad. I know where she is. And now, it's like she's here, giving me strength.

I try to concentrate on Conner's words.

"I don't even know how much I want life."

It's all right, Conner, don't be afraid, and don't give up. I feel furious at my inability to communicate. You're stronger than this, Conner. If I could sigh, I would. I'm stronger than this. I can, I should be better than this- What did he say!

"I miss you so much, Penni. I miss you so much it feels like dying."

I miss you, too.

"I love you."

I love you. Oh, Conner, I wish I could tell you how I love you!

I cry.

I cry.

I open my eyes.

Hapilly ever after draws near.