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Chapter 5:
She wasn't sure if Nathan had understood before that she was intentionally ending their friendship, but she was almost certain he did now. How could he not? She had left nothing which could be perceived as negotiable, no margin for uncertainty.
As they sat on the bench that night after their meaningful conversation, lost in what could only be adequately described as deep and profound thought, something inside Haley had snapped. Though unsure of the exact reason for her sudden rage, she had become angry with Nathan. Perhaps it was because of his inability to comprehend all she had told him or because of his persistent pursuit of the friendship they once had. Or perhaps it was because what he had said earlier, unbeknownst to him, was the truth. She hadn't completely lost the old Haley. She had simply hidden her underneath the new one. For the old Haley was vulnerable and therefore weak and bound to be more easily subjected to tormenting pain, a feeling she wasn't particularly fond of becoming accustomed to. But, whatever the reason, her temper flared dangerously and, unjust though it might have been, she took it out on Nathan.
She cringed and shuddered violently at the memory.
FLASHBACK
"Dammit, Nathan!" she screamed, jumping hastily from her perch next to him on the worn bench to stand in front of him before continuing. "Why can't you just let it go!"
"Let what go?" he asked quietly, looking hurt and slightly confused.
"Us. Our friendship," she gestured wildly, her hand flapping frantically back and forth between them.
He shrugged, gazing into the darkness past her shoulder. "I just can't."
"And why the hell not!" she shouted, stamping her foot angrily, albeit childishly, on the ground.
"It's not that easy for me, Haley," he said, his voice surprisingly smooth and calm.
"But why?" Her voice was low and anguished, almost broken, as it became increasingly difficult for her to resist his appealing offer of undying friendship. But she continually tried to convince herself that she didn't need it.
He sighed. "Haley, when we were little, we were best friends. Ever since we were what, like three? And being your friend was one of the most important things in my life. You were different from everyone else, but in a good way. And people loved you for it. You were just... Haley."
"So?" she challenged, her voice harsh as her resolve returned with an indefinable vengeance.
He looked at her incredulously, saying, "So, I can't just let go of something like that so easily."
"Yes you can!" she exclaimed, expression indignant.
He narrowed his eyes at her, searching for any sign of his childhood best friend. "Maybe you can, but I can't," he murmured, rubbing tiredly at his eyes.
She looked away from him, trying desperately to regain control of her temper, striving to remain calm. When she had achieved this and turned to him again, she said calmly, "You have to. You don't have another choice."
He looked at her questioningly, still doubting her decision.
She took a deep breath. "Look, I'm doing this for you. You don't understand. I got into a lot of trouble in New York. And somewhere along the lines, I lost myself."
He just looked at her for a moment, comprehending everything she had just told him, then stood up before her, hesitantly entwining their hands. As his gaze shifted from their locked hands to her eyes, he whispered, "Then let me help you find her."
Shaking her head, she waited a few seconds until she had regained her composure and retorted sadly, "She's too far gone." She dropped his hand and sat heavily upon the bench once more.
He opened his mouth to speak, but she interrupted him. "No, Nathan. We're not friends. That's it."
With one last pleading glance at Haley, he knew it was over and hung his head in defeated shame, walking slowly to his car. Seconds later, she heard his engine start and fade away. And once again, she was left in silent solitude. Completely alone.
END FLASHBACK
Several hours later, as she lay in bed, waiting for sleep to overtake her, she thought about Nathan's eyes. They had always been a distinguishable, intense blue, but when she had "unfriended" him as she phrased it, they had changed with such rapidity, it had almost frightened her. In all the years she had known him, he had never before shown exterior signs of sorrow. But earlier that very night, as she initiated the end of their friendship and an unmistakable air of finality overtook them, she had seen the loss she forced upon him, the pain she caused him, and how truly sad she had made him. All of this she could see in his eyes, which normally vibrant, had dulled and suddenly seemed almost lifeless.
She had never meant to hurt him, but she knew that she had done the right thing. She had lessened his suffering, or how great it could have been had they remained friends. It would only cause him more pain to know he had a friend such as her when he discovered, or rather witnessed, for himself who she had become in the three years of her troubled life which she had spent so far from home.
For the first time in quite awhile, Haley James, unable to keep her emotions hidden any longer, cried herself to sleep.
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The next morning brought with it the peaceful beauty that only a day in late spring could provide. Birds chirped gaily in the fragrantly blossoming trees, the temperature was coolly inviting, and the sun shone gently on all of Tree Hill. But one particular occupant of this small, quaint town refused to appreciate its serenity. Haley sat stubbornly on the large couch in her even larger house as her personal maid Renee attempted to persuade her to "get out and do something" as her parents had informed her they firmly believed she needed to. Rolling her eyes, she growled, "For the last time! I don't feel like going anywhere."
Frustrated, Renee called for the cook, Kathy, who rushed into the room, looking expectantly at her. Rolling her eyes at Kathy's eager obedience, Haley listened as Renee asked her for advice.
Timidly, Kathy responded, "Well, there's this little restaurant called Karen's Café you could take her to. She could get breakfast there and I''m pretty sure it's a local hangout for kids her age."
"That's a brilliant idea!" exclaimed Renee, dismissing Kathy with a wave of her hand.
Haley glared menacingly at Kathy, who, looking terrified, scurried back to the kitchen.
Once Haley was showered and dressed, Renee ordered Charles, the chauffeur to escort her to Karen's Café. The ride over was completely silent, Haley dreading the possibility of seeing Nathan, Luke, Jake, Brooke, Peyton, or even Tim there. The estimated 10 minute journey seemed to last much less and they were soon pulling up to the café.
Her thoughts were full of contempt and malice directed at Charles for complying with Renee's demands and driving her to this hellhole. "I could've driven myself you know," she said icily, opening the passenger door.
"No. Ms. Renee says you would have gone somewhere else if I let you drive," he countered.
Rolling her eyes, she climbed out of the car and slammed the door. Resentment overwhelming her, she mumbled, "Bastard," and gave him the finger. Spinning on her heel to face the café, she found Nathan, looking disappointed, apparently having heard the entire exchange. Shaking his head, he turned and entered the café. Knowing Charles was behind her, she sighed and followed after him.
Much to her dismay, Haley found that the café was quite crowded on Sunday mornings and that as a result of this, all of the tables were filled leaving the only space unoccupied a few stools at the counter next to the group of teenagers, who, yesterday appeared her friends, but whom she had now detached herself from. Glancing to the window at the front, she saw Charles outside, undoubtedly making sure she wouldn't leave. Sighing, she meandered slowly up to the counter, taking as many detours as possible to prolong the moment when they would realize her presence.
"Haley!" a motherly voice cooed from behind her and the group fell silent and turned to stare at her as they heard her name. The owner of the kind voice revealed herself to be Karen, Lucas's mom and proud owner of the café they were currently in. She immediately reached out and hugged Haley tightly. Feeling a certain obligation to return the friendly gesture, Haley stiffly lifted her arms to encircle the woman who had been the mother figure in her life before her family's unexpected move.
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"Unbelievable," scoffed Nathan, watching Haley hug Karen warmly. "She hugs your mom, but she won't even touch me," he continued, directing this comment at Luke.
Luke clapped his hand onto Nathan's shoulder and, thinking he was providing solace, said, "Dude, don't worry. Haley always loved my mom more than you." His hand slid from Nathan's shoulder as he received a deathly glare in response to his empty words of comfort.
Brooke, also feeling the need to reassure her friend, spoke up. "I'm sure she'll come around, Nate."
He shook his head, throat constricting painfully as he responded, "I'm not so sure."
Peyton and Jake exchanged uncomfortable looks, neither sure of how to best comfort their friend.
Tim looked back and forth between Nathan and Haley, obviously bewildered as he asked, "What are you guys talking about?"
Peyton and Brooke, situated on either side of him, slapped his head simultaneously.
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When Karen's initial shock at seeing Haley had faded considerably, she asked,"So, how was New York?"
Shifting from foot to foot nervously, Haley mumbled, "It was great."
She thought she heard Nathan say, "Liar," but as she glanced at him, he covered his words expertly with a surprisingly realistic cough.
"Good to know," Karen smiled. "I was wondering when we'd see you again. How long are you visiting for?" she asked.
Haley frowned, saying, "We moved back. Lucas didn't tell you?"
Karen frowned also. "No, must have slipped his mind." The two stood in puzzled silence for a few moments before Karen politely offered her the stool next to Nathan. Noticing Haley's hesitance, she laughed. "How many times do I have to tell you, Haley? He doesn't bite."
Forcing a smile which she could only assume appeared genuine, Haley slid slowly into the empty seat. As she ordered, she could intuitively feel six pairs of eyes on her. But still, no one spoke.
As Karen busied herself with other customers, she observed the entire group's interaction. Or rather, lack of. Curious by nature, she resisted the rather impulsive urge to interfere, or "meddle" as Luke and Keith liked to call it. But her motherly instincts overpowered her weak restraint and she decided to take matters into her own hands. Approaching them cautiously, she decided to straightforward. "So, you kids are awfully quiet, today. Mind telling me why?" she started. They all looked around at each other, not quite knowing how to broach the subject. Sighing, Karen continued, "Brooke, Peyton. Either of you girls care to explain?" They turned to each other uneasily and Brooke shook her head. "Tim, Jake?" Karen turned to them. When they remained silent, she questioned, "Lucas or Nathan? You boys want to explain this to me?"
"No, ma'am," Nathan mumbled.
Irritated, Karen turned finally to Haley. "Haley?" Looking down at her hands, she shook her head. Pursing her lips, Karen began, "Fine-," but she was interrupted by Nathan.
"She doesn't want to be friends with us Ms. Scott," he stated coldly. "Isn't that right, Haley?" he raised his voice slightly, obviously angry with her.
Karen looked at her, surprised, as she shook her head again, cleared her throat softly, and whispered, "That's not what I said."
"Well, then maybe you can explain it to me again, Haley. Why you can't be our friend?"
She just bit her lip and continued to shake her head, never looking up from her hands.
By now, most people had left the café, leaving a few scattered customers left. Karen, never taking her eyes off Haley's face said calmly, "Brooke, will you please take over for me? Haley and I need to have a little chat."
Nodding, Brooke grabbed and apron and a notepad as Karen led Haley to the kitchen in the back of the building. "Start talking," she ordered as they both took seats at the table in the center of the room.
Beginning slowly, Haley started, speaking falteringly, her voice growing stronger with each sentence uttered. "When we moved to New York, it was really hard for me to leave my life in Tree Hill behind. Particularly you, Lucas, and Nathan. I was so homesick. On top of that, I wasn't accepted very easily there. Everyone else was so much more experienced than me and no one was as kind as me. So, naturally, I was an outcast. I did''t want to change, but I couldn't help it. It was the only way to gain any friends. The fact that my parents were never around only made it worse. So, as I slowly became depressed, I started to mix with the wrong kind of people. I lost my virginity and started drinking. I even did drugs just to fit in and to try and make me feel better." Here, she stopped for a moment, regaining control of her thoughts before continuing. "So, I started convincing myself to be stronger. I kept telling myself I didn't need anyone. And eventually, I started believing it. I don't ever cry because I think it makes me weak. I don't help people because then, who would look out for me? I do''t believe in happiness or having real friends. I don't love people because it could only end with me getting hurt. So, as you can see, I'm a completely different person. And no matter how much I want to, I can't let anyone in. I'd only get my heart broken. And I think it's better to just go through the pain of always being alone and unhappy than to be happy only to get torn down."
By this time, Karen had tears in her eyes, wondering how anyone could have such mixed up ideals. She couldn't understand how Haley would be under the impression that she shouldn't love anyone. "So, that's why you can't be friends with my son and his step brother?" she whispered, not trusting her voice to hold steady.
Taking a breath, Haley voiced, "Well, partly. But also, I don't want them to stay friends with me only to find out how horrible a person I am now. That would be unfair to them. Especially since I know they're going to hate the person I've become. Everyone else does."
"Oh, honey," Karen sobbed, bringing her into a warm hug.
Barely able to keep in her own tears, she allowed Karen to rock her back and forth. She thought of everything that had happened and fought back the tears she felt welling up. But her attempts proved futile as she broke down and cried. She wept for all the mistakes she'd made, for the person she used to be, for the pain she'd caused her closest friends, and for the parents who were practically nonexistent in her life, promising herself that she would never cry again after this rare incident and the one the previous night.
Angry with herself for displaying her weakness, she mentally berated her actions. 'Stupid Haley,' she thought. 'These people don't care about you. They're only pretending to. And remember what happened last time you trusted someone?' She did remember.
The last person who had gained her trust was Jack. And look what he had done to her. He took her virginity and with it her innocence. And he had gotten her involved in drinking, partying, and drugs. 'But these people are different,' she argued with herself. 'They would never do that to you.'
She silently cursed Jack, thinking, 'Yeah. That's what you said last time.' Reluctantly, she distanced herself from Karen, jerking from her comforting arms and putting a few feet between them. "I'm sorry," she whispered, standing and slowly walking to the door.
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Nathan, Lucas, Peyton, Brooke, Jake, and Tim were the only ones left in the café. It was Jake who broke the silence. "Wonder what they're talking about in there."
"Who knows?" Lucas asked.
"Maybe they're not talking. If you know what I mean," Tim raised his eyebrows suggestively.
Peyton rolled her eyes. "And you always ask us why you don't have a girlfriend."
"I have a girlfriend," Tim squeaked, widening his eyes at Peyton, apparently thinking his single status was a big secret.
"Yeah, maybe in your dreams," she scoffed.
Their playful banter was interrupted by the click of an opening door. Haley emerged first, followed by Karen. It was obvious to the group both had been crying as they took in their tear stained faces and red, watery eyes.
Nathan, forgetting Haley was no longer his friend, felt a wave of concern for her and immediately rushed to her, moving to grab her to him.
But she stepped back, whispering, "I'm fine," before bolting to the front door and disappearing through it.
Nathan turned expectantly to Karen. "So, what did you guys talk about?"
She just shook her head, saying, "That's confidential. But, I can tell you, don't take any of this personally. She's just mixed up."
He nodded, deeply disappointed, as he turned to leave.
"Nathan," Karen managed to get out between sobs. He stopped and she continued, "Just... don't give up on her. That's the last thing she needs right now."
Nodding, he stepped through the door out into the warm, spring air. He desperately needed some time to think.
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That evening, Haley was laying on her bed, staring blankly at the wall. The staff had gone home for the day which meant no more Renee, Kathy, Charles, or any of the other pesky people hired by her parents for the next 16 hours or so. But though this bought her satisfaction, she felt no joy. For, the New York Haley had returned as she had known it would.
Her musings were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. Jumping hastily from her bed, she raced downstairs and threw the front door open to reveal Nathan, hand poised, about to knock. His hand dropped to his side as he stared at her. Moving aside, she let him step inside and shut the door behind him. Silently, she led him to the living room where they both sat on the couch.
He turned to her and said, "Look, Haley. I know you said we can't be friends, but I'm not just gonna give up on you. I don't know what happened to you in New York and I don't know who you are now, but I'm hoping that you'll realize the old Haley was so much better. And I'm also hoping you'll give our friendship another chance." His words lingered between them as silence engulfed them once again.
Then, quite suddenly, with no forewarning whatsoever, surprising both Nathan and Haley, she leaned toward him, inching closer, and kissed him.
TO BE CONTINUED...
