A/N: Okay… so I guess I'm not going to be able to update my other fics before starting up this one… but can you blame me? Writer's block is pure evil… nearly pure evil… well… it's right there standing next to Cloud, but that's not my point. All of these chapters are unrelated stories that randomly happen, because I make them… yeah…

Disclaimer: I do own that one pink shirt, but I do not own any of the characters. They are all Square Soft/Enix's, etc. Except for Marcus, and some of the random people that don't deserve to speak with Sephiroth, even though they only really talked with Zack… and I apologize for anyone named Marcus that may be reading this story, do not be offended.

Ch. 1 The Dreaded Shopping Trip

Sephiroth stood blankly at the door of his bedroom, looking down on his second-in-command, while his eyebrow twitched uncontrollably. "You want me to do what, again?" he asked, anger and annoyance creeping into his voice.

"All I want you to do is go shopping with me… and maybe get some new clothes…" Zack said while smiling up at the General of the ShinRa Army.

"What's wrong with my current attire?" the stoic man inquired, eyebrow still twitching.

"Well… it's the same as it's always been for about… what? Ten years?" Zack simply replied, shrugging.

"Fourteen, actually." the general responded, crossing his arms. "And there's no-" he was soon cut off by a certain colonel dragging him out of his bedroom's doorway and toward the front door.

"And that proves my point." the black-haired man stated while nodding his head. "You need some new clothes."

"ZACHARY!" the general growled as he was dragged out of the door, which was then slammed closed.

(At some random mall in Midgar… that's not Wall Market…)

"See, it's not that bad, Seph." Zack said happily as he heaved the general to his side. "All we need is to get you measured and then go look around." of course, the big-headed idiot appeared to have forgotten that he was no longer holding onto the 'big bad general,' and thus had let him try and escape. Luckily for him, he was able grab the man's arms and twist them around behind his back before he was able to run out of the door. "Aww, come on, Seph!" the colonel whined.

"Zachary!" Sephy cried, kicking his legs in an attempt to shove open the door, which was futile, since the door said plainly 'pull' directly on it. "I will not participate in this… this… thing!" apparently, the general really didn't want to go shopping, since he almost always had some fancy word stocked in his mind for this kind of predicament.

"Uh… did you just say 'thing'?" Zachary questioned his superior, whom stopped mid-kick and was now practically resting on the colonel.

"Yes, Zachary, I just said 'thing'." Sephiroth responded, voice flat. "I will not participate in this thing you call shopping."

"But… you've had to have done it before… I mean… where have you gotten all of the clothes…?" as he spoke, the colonel loosened his grip on the taller man.

"From Hojo." the general responded, voice still flat. And now, he was on the ground, staring through the glass doors, oblivious to the people staring at both he and Zachary.

"Well… then this will be a new experience, won't it?" the colonel stated, beaming. At his words, some sort of realization hit Sephiroth. The silver-haired man nodded slowly, beginning to understand the concept.

"It… it would be one less this Hojo has control over…" as a response to his words, Zachary folded his arms and started to nod. "I will be one more step closer to freedom. To… to…"

"To shopping." the black-haired man finished. Suddenly, then was a blast of wind and a puff of dust in the colonel's face. "Damn…" he stated, blinking dirt out of his eyes. "I was tricked…" he sighed, and started to brush himself off. "I guess I'll just have to think of something else…"

(A few hours later… at the same random mall in Midgar…)

The Oh-So Great General of the ShinRa Army pulled open the glass door, though, he was somewhat unrecognizable without his sword, since that was the only thing that made him stand out from the supposed 'Sephiroth posers.' But it didn't matter, it only meant less people to talk to him. But, then again, he was smiling at this moment, smirking, actually.

"Seph, Hojo's at the men's side of the store. Okay?" Zachary stated as he walked up beside him. The general only nodded and walked ahead, only to stop about five seconds later.

"Zachary?" Sephiroth stated, not looking behind him

"Yeah?" the oh-so-stupid one inquired.

"Where's the men's department?" Sephiroth responded, completely serious.

(At the men's department of the same random shopping mall in Midgar… couldn't you tell?)

"You said Hojo would be here, Zachary." the general stated, pushing the clothes on a nearby circular rack apart and peering inside. "I don't see him."

"Well… he's uh…" the colonel replied, looking around for an excuse. Suddenly, a little light bulb appear over his head. Besides the fact that it was obviously short-circuiting, Zack obviously had an idea. "He's hiding… and… uh… he won't come out until he can't recognize you…"

At this point, the general had pulled his head out of the clothes rack and was staring point blank at the idiot. "I highly doubt Hojo would do that."

"Well… he was… uh…" once again, the black-haired man stumbled around for an excuse. Then, yet another light bulb appeared over his head, this one was obviously working overtime today. "He was short on test subjects, so he had to use himself."

"For what experiment?" Sephiroth asked, still in the same frozen position.

"Uh…" and again, the brainless moron looked around for yet another excuse. Ah-ha! And here's another light bulb to accompany his idea, but the light bulb was dead anyway, it didn't make much of a difference. "His simian thing." at Sephiroth's eyebrow quirk, Zack realized that he needed to elaborate a little more. "You know… that thing… where it turns people's minds into a monkey's… or something like that…?"

"Oh, yes. I remember Hojo talking about that a few visits ago." the general replied as he stood up and nodded. "So he would be acting like a monkey at this point in time, am I correct?" he asked, looking toward Zack.

"Well… yeah." Internally, the black-haired colonel was sighing in relief. But, he was also somewhat wondering how Sephiroth fell for it. "He, uh, should be, uh… hanging on something… or sleeping… or something like that…" the general nodded again.

"So, we need to find him. Then we will be able to-" he was cut off by Zack, as he put his hand over the silver-haired man's mouth.

"SH!" he whispered harshly. "No one can no what we're going to do to him." the general nodded in response. "But, first…" he said normally, releasing Sephiroth's mouth and walking back slightly. "You need to get changed."

"Why?" was the simple, yet really annoying, reply from the silver-haired man.

"Uh… because… uh…" trying as hard as he could, Zack couldn't think of a fourth excuse, since all of his light bulbs, as well as ideas, had died. He started laughing then, scratching the back of his head. "This is all a trick for you to get some new clothes? Hehe?" he said as he continued to laugh and scratch the back of the head.

"Zachary…" Sephiroth responded, voice cool and collected.

"Yeah, Seph?" he replied.

"You tricked me?" the man now fully looked at the colonel, one eyebrow twitching all the way.

"Yeah, but Seph…" Zack tried, only to meet a hanger in the face.

"Evil Hanger attack of DOOM!" Sephiroth cried, throwing another empty hanger at Zachary.

"SEPH!" with that the general was turning, and just about to walk away, when the colonel ran up from behind and jumped on him, pushing him to the floor.

"Zachary," Sephiroth said, trying as best he could to keep the anger from his voice.

"Yeah." the idiot replied from the general's back.

"As your superior, I command you to reposition your posterior upon the ground." there was no movement from the colonel atop the silver-haired man's back. "Zachary…"

"Not until you agree to go shopping with me." the black-haired man replied, crossing his arms.

"No."

"Aww… Seph…" Zack whined, shaking his head about. "But we're already here!" after a moment of silence, came the most feared sentence in all humanity.

"Fine, I will go shopping with you."

(Later…)

Sephiroth stood behind Zack, while they waited near the door of the men's dressing room to get measured. "I still don't see why I can't do it myself…" the general muttered while crossing his arms and glaring at the beaming colonel before him.

"Aww, juts be patient, Seph." the black-haired man stated, patting the taller man's gloved hand. "'Good things come to those who wait,' or so they say."

"I've waited for better entities than this." the future-bringer-of-Meteor replied, pushing Zack's hand off his own. "And now I'm just wasting my time."

"Be quiet…" the colonel muttered. "You'll offend someone."

"Who?" the Almighty General inquired, quirking a silvery eyebrow.

"ME!" a somewhat stereotypical gay man's voice rang out from the men's dressing room.

"Who?" Sephiroth asked again, not liking to be talked to by an outside figure.

"I SAID 'ME!'" the voice cried out again, making the bearer of the Masamune start to twitch it utmost irritation.

"Uh… dude…" Zack , looking from said pissed off man to the doorway of the dressing room. "I think you should stop talking before he gets evil on your ass."

"I don't care!" the voice responded, a man jumping out of the dressing room with it. "For I am Marcus," the colonel stared, mouth agape at the man, finger slightly pointed in his direction. For this man wore a pair of excruciatingly poofy red pants, a pink and puke green horizontally striped button up shirt, tall leather boots, and wore his brunette hair in pigtails. "THE MAN WITH THE MAGICAL MEASURING STICK!" he cried, making a fancy pose, causing both Zack and Sephiroth to fall to the floor.

"I TOLD YOU I WAS WASTING MY TIME!" the general shouted, already back on his feet, at the now sitting black-haired man.

"Aww… Seph…" the colonel whined, hoping to make the man cave again. "You'll just get measured once and never have to do it again…"

"NO!" once again, the general turned and started to walk away. But, instead of being stopped by his second-in-command, he was stopped by the measuring man.

"What a nice ass!" Marcus squealed in delight, running off and rubbing the said body part on Hojo's favorite specimen. At this, the stoic general turned to near stone, except for the fact that his eye was twitching.

"Uh…" the future ex-Sephiroth-clone said, raising his hands in an attempt to do something. "I really don't think that's a good idea dude…"

"Really?" the measurer replied, still stoking the godly buttocks. "Because I do."

"Do you even know who this dude is?" while doing this, Zack took a slight step toward to duo.

"Of course," Marcus replied easily. "he's a man who's going to get measured by me."

"Umm… I don't think that's exactly it…" the colonel stated, taking another step. "He's the general…"

"The who?" at this response, Zack smacked his head, and waited a few seconds before removing it and looking at the man again.

"The General of the ShinRa Army, Sephiroth." while talking, the colonel spread his hands, trying to make the man understand.

"Oh…" Marcus nodded, looking toward the black-haired man. "This must be the man that Scarlet was talking about!" at the mention of her name, Sephiroth gripped the man that had been stroking his butt and lifted him in the air.

"SHE WILL DIE!" the general cried, readying to throw the whimpering measurer to North Crater.

"SEPH!" Zack cried, running up and pushing a picture of Hojo into the man's face. "STOP!" Not only did the greatest general of all time drop the man that had allegedly touched his buttocks, but he started rolling around on the ground, hissing in agony.

(After the problem was somewhat figured out… and fixed…)

"Okay, Seph." the colonel stated as he slinked out of the dressing room, arms crossed behind his head. "Your turn."

"I refuse to go in there." the stoic general replied, crossing his arms.

"Seph…" the black-haired man tried, walking toward the taller man.

"Just move, damn it!" a man standing behind the general yelled, balling a fist. "Some of us want to get measured so we can get the hell out of here!"

"HEY!" Zack cried, running over and shaking the man's hand. "You're absolutely right!"

"I am?" the man asked, staring at the colonel.

"Yeah!" at this point, the dense idiot turned to Sephiroth. "Seph, once you get measured, it will be all the quicker out of here!" for the second time of the duration of this story, Zack has hit a realization point for the general.

"You're right, Zachary," the silver-haired man replied. Walking towards the door.

"That's the spirit!" the colonel cried as he, and some of the people waiting to be measured, applauded.

(Sometime later…)

Zack sat, reading a magazine with his lags crossed, outside of the men's room, waiting for his good old buddy, the general, to be finished measuring. "NEXT!" the all too familiar voice of Marcus's rang out.

"That's my cue," the colonel mumbled, throwing aside his magazine and walking toward the entrance of the dressing room. There, he saw a very pissed off general, whom had his hair in knots, his leather unsightly, and his left hand in his pockets, gloves no where to be seen. "What the…" he trailed off, scratching his head at the state his superior was in, as were the men waiting in line.

"Zachary…" the once perfect man mumbled, voice hoarse.

"Yeah, Seph…" the black-haired man replied in a whisper.

"I hate you…" was all the general's reply as he walked by.

"… what..?" the idiot asked, turning around and watching the retreating back of the god to be. "You aren't retreating, are you?" he asked, slightly remember their stationing at the Wutain War…

Flashback -

"You know, ShinRa wants us to recall the troops and head back." he had muttered, sharpening the Buster Sword.

"I will not retreat…" the general had replied, still looking over a map, the same map which he had been looking at for nearly twelve hours strait.

"What was that?" the colonel responded, still not used to being so near one of Hojo's experiments.

"I will not retreat." at this point, the silvery-haired man grabbed one of the nearby pens and circled an area on the map. "If we go in this way, we are sure to defeat the enemy."

"Really?" the Gongaga born man replied, jumping off of the bed and over to the man.

"All we need is a diversion…"

End Flashback -

This had halted the general, whom looked up and then turned to Zachary. "I will not retreat."

"That's the spirit!" the colonel applauded, smiling.

"I have not retreated…" Sephiroth continued.

"And you really do need some new clothes now." Zack replied, nodding his head.

"…until now…" with that the silvery-haired man broke out in a run.

"SEPH! WAIT!" the colonel shouted, running after the man.

(Later… after a few fierce pulls…)

Both the colonel and the general stood in the men's department, looking around at the bits and pieces of clothing that were strewn about. Somehow, the stoic man's hair and leather had returned to it's original status, discluding the gloves, which were still missing. But, he was here, and nothing else mattered much, except the air and other items needed to continue living. Actually, though, Zack did most of the looking, while Sephiroth just stood there, hands in pockets, and glared at him.

"Come on, Seph." the colonel whined, pulling up a pink shirt. "You have to start looking or I'll switch your entire wardrobe when your at one of Hojo's appointments."

"Zachary," the silver-haired god to be replied, crossing his arms, thereby revealing his numeral imprint. "I do not believe that I shall wear any form of these clothes."

"But… what about…" the black-haired man looked around as he spoke, and then spotted the perfect thing. "black stuff?"

"Black… stuff…?" apparently, Sephy wasn't one for Zack's bad grammar.

"Yeah… clothes!" the colonel re-stated.

"Oh." the general replied, following his subordinate's gaze to a section of clothing completely dedicated to black. "… why?"

"Because…" Zack said, turning around the pink shirt he was holding to show that Hojo's face and the words 'experiment on me, baby' were written on it. "I really don't think you want to walk into the lab wearing this… actually… I don't think you'd ever want to wear this… hell, even I don't want to wear this." with that he shoved the shirt back onto the rack.

"Fine…" the general muttered, sighing in defeat.

(At the checkout… line…)

The colonel stood slightly in front of Sephiroth, pushing a cart of clothing, beaming, while the general stood glaring, hands back in his pockets. They were next in line, the old woman was paying right before their eyes. "See, Seph." the black-haired man said, bobbing his head. "It wasn't that bad."

"For you it wasn't." the silver-haired man replied, watching the old woman ahead of them walk slowly away. He then turned his attention on Zack, whom had just taken all of the mass of black clothing out of the cart and piled it on the counter.

"Will this be all for you today?" the young female teen asked them as she rung up the clothing.

"Yep!" the colonel replied, pulling out a bank card from one of his pockets.

"Alright then, the total is fifty-seven gil." she stated, flashing them a big smile.

"That's all?" the black-haired man asked.

"That's all. Didn't you notice that this was our closing sale, and everything must go?" while she spoke, Zack shoved the back card back in his pocket and pulled out a bag.

"Let's see…" the colonel muttered, looking through the bag. "How much did I put in there…?"

"Six hundred twenty-three thousand, four hundred fifty-six gil." the general replied.

"Really?" the numbskull answered, closing the back. "I can't believe you counted them all… when did you do that?"

"When you were throwing them in." was the simple response from the stoic general.

"Oh…" Zack seemed a little lost, but he just plopped down the back and pushed it over to the teen. "Well, then you can have it."

"Um… do you want change…?" she asked, looking at the back rather sheepishly.

"Nah, you can keep it all. Anything to help someone out!" the colonel stated, giving her a bright smile about to grab the bag when… a thought struck him. "Hey, could you possibly page Marcus and ask him if he could bring my friend's gloves back?"

"Sure." she replied happily, picking up the phone and dialing a number. "Marcus, paging Marcus. Please come to cash register number two. Marcus, please come to cash register two." her voice echoed through the store. And there was silence for a moment, then a clatter of feet, and a puff of dust.

"Yes, Nikki." the measurer asked, now standing beside the cash register.

"Could you please return this man his gloves?" Nikki responded, gesturing to the stoic general.

"Oh, Sephy!" the stereotypical gay man cried, grasping onto the man's legs. "I thought you had left, so I burned your gloves out of grief!" the silver-haired man said nothing, and did nothing, but it was obvious he really wanted to bash this man's brains in.

"Uh… we can just go…" Zack said, picking up the bag and slowly walking away, Sephiroth in tow.

"SEPHY! DON'T LEAVE ME!" Marcus cried as the duo walked through the glass doors.

In the end, the moral of this story is: Don't retreat, or else Zack will sit on you until you submit… or something like that.

A/N: As stated earlier, I have writer's block and can't work on my other fics. So… you have this… which has no meaning what-so-ever… sure… there's that moral… but… no one believes in those… do they? Eh, well… If you review, I might actually keep this thing up so I have something to get out of my writer's block, and support all of you people's with more randomness that doesn't fit in with any of my current fics. So I bid you ado, and I hope you make whatever choice that you feel is right.

To review, or not to review? That is the question I impose on thy.