Isn't He Dead Yet? - by Kloudy Reignfall

Summary: James and Sirius are reunited at the gates of Heaven. ...But isn't there someone important missing? They soon begin to wonder if their dear friend Remus is ever going to die.

Disclaimers: Me no own Harry Potter.

Warnings: Slash.You mean that boy-on-boy stuff?Yeah, that stuff. Oh yes, and some CRACK. (Though slightly less crack than previous chapters. ...I think.)

To my dear reviewers...I love you! Thank you for actually bothering to read chapter two. And thank everybody who survives this chapter for bothering to read chapter three! I wish I could give presents to each and every one of you, because you are the people that make the world go 'round! Or at least ffn. And that's close enough.

Chapter Three - Somewhere nearer to the Middle of Forever

Sirius woke up alone the next morning. New sunlight was pouring through the western window in James' bedroom but he didn't bother to wonder why. He was more concerned with where in the world Heavens his friend was. He couldn't help but still feel a little apprehensive about the whole situation. After all, he had just recently been killed! That sort of thing really tended to make a person a bit paranoid.

Pulling himself out of bed, Sirius yawned and stretched tiredly. You'd think that in Heaven everybody would get a good night's sleep every night, but such was, apparently, not the case.

He wandered lazily into the living room and blinked in the intense morning light. Turning to the little kitchen, he half expected to see his friend cooking breakfast in an apron, a bright smile on his face. But the room was empty and a little dark. Really not the sort of room you think of when you think of Heaven. Since James was not there, he tried the bathroom, hoping maybe to find his friend watching someone in the bathtub again. But the man wasn't there either.

Perplexed at not being able to find Prongs in this unbelievably tiny little apartment, and a little worried about being so alone, Sirius ventured to the front door and peeked out into the hallway, hoping that, for some odd reason, James would be there.

Upon sticking his head out into the hallway, Padfoot discovered that his friend was not pointlessly standing outside. Nor was he pointfully standing outside. He was not outside at all. There was, however, a really wrinkly and droopy old lady sitting in a rocking chair outside the door across the hall. She was cutting old magazine articles up and pasting different words onto another sheet of paper. An equally droopy St. Bernard dog was lying by her side. It glared at Sirius. The little old lady smiled.

"Oh, are you the friend that James is always talking about?" she asked sweetly, though in a rather annoying scratchy old-person voice. "Such a nice, sweet young boy, James is," she added as an afterthought.

Sirius blinked. This really did seem just a little too cliché. But whatever. Perhaps the woman knew something about where his friend was. "Yes, Ma'am," he answered, as politely as he could. He knew old ladies liked that kind of thing in "young people". "Do you happen to know where he might have gone?"

The lady thought for a moment, her fingers never ceasing the incessant snipping and pasting. "Yes, I did see him about an hour ago, I do believe. He said he was getting ready for a trip or something, if I remember correctly."

Sirius pondered that. A trip? What exactly was James planning…? Oh well. He'd see when he got home. He hoped it would be soon though. He didn't like being in this place alone. And that old lady's dog kept staring at him funny.

He thanked the old lady for her help and pulled his head back inside. Guessing that James could be home at any minute he decided to get cleaned up. He took some clothes from his friend's dresser and went into the bathroom. As he dressed he looked around the room. His eyes fell upon the little satchel of fairy-dust stuff, the stuff he had seen James sprinkle into the bathtub the previous night. Maybe he could use some to find out where James was. But no, it probably only worked for people on earth. And besides, he had a better idea.

Padfoot was suddenly overcome with the curious urge to spy on someone. He remembered the conversation they'd had last night and decided on his target.

Lucius.

He grinned malevolently as he took a pinch of powder and, mimicking his friend from last night, sprinkled it on top of the water in the tub. It swirled into mist and when the mist cleared there came an image of a blonde man, sleeping peacefully in a large cushioned bed hung with dark green silk.

Randomly, Sirius leaned forward over the water's surface and touched glassy image. It rippled and faded into another scene. It seemed to be Lucius' dream.

He leaned a little closer. "Hey…" He blinked a couple times. "Is that…!"

(Insert Imaginative Scene Here)

But just then, Sirius heard a noise at the front door. James must be home.

"Shit!" Sirius yelled quietly. He drained the water from the tub and scrambled out of the bathroom. James was in the kitchen putting some groceries away. He looked up and smiled when he heard his friend.

"Good morning, Paddy!" he said brightly. "Sorry I left without telling you. I just wanted to get some stuff before you woke up."

Sirius blinked at James. And then he scowled. That voice, that smile. They were the same voice and smile that he must have used for Lucius all those years back. And here he was, using them on him! It drove him crazy! And why? Was it… jealousy? Or maybe he had really just missed James that much and he was just now realizing it. Whatever it was, it made him unbelievably pissed!

An angry Sirius was a scary Sirius. But what was even worse was an angry, horny Sirius. And after that little display he saw in the bathtub just moments ago, he sure as Hell was horny! And he was going to do something about it.

Narrowing his eyes at his clueless friend, Sirius lunged and tackled him to the hard kitchen floor. He forced a rough kiss on his unsuspecting victim. James' eyes widened in surprise. He broke away long enough to gasp at Padfoot, "What the Hell was that for? What are you doing?"

Sirius growled. "What the fuck do you think I'm doing?"

A quizzical look came upon James' face. "Well, yeah, but… here?"

"Dammit!" Sirius yelled, exasperated, angry, and even hornier. "Yes, here!" He took another dive at the still-stunned deer.

Prongs broke free again, with some difficulty. "Wait!" he gasped. "I got some stuff when I went out." He picked up the bag he'd dropped when he'd been tackled and extracted a can of whipped-cream. He sprayed some into his hand and -

(THE REMAINDER OF THIS SECTION WAS EDITED FOR CONTENT DUE TO THE NATURE OF THE MATERIAL. PLEASE EXCUSE ANY INCONVENIENCE.)

The End of what is Somewhere nearer to the Middle of Forever

Ok, so I know it sort of cut off rather abruptly, but hey, what can I say? Oh, if someone wants to write me a nice raunchy scene to insert there (or the other Insert), I surely wouldn't mind. :innocent smile:

Oh yeah, Does begging for reviews really work? :puppy-dog face:

And sorry for any mistakes or anything. If you catch anything that's noticably bad, please let me know!

'Til next time! -Kloudy Reignfall