IMPORTANTNESS. If you haven't read my story, "Harry Potter-How it REALLY happened", you wont understand this at ALL. Um. If you don't want to read it, here's a summary of it.

James, Sirius, and Lupin were going to have a threesome marriage, but James dumped them for Lily. They decide to make Harry's life suck in revenge, but Lily and James help them for some reason. Voldie stole everyones rubber duckies, so they made the world think he was a convicted murderer. Petunia and Vernon are actually Lily and James in disguise. Harry eventually finds out, but he decides to play along, because Voldie stole his rubber ducky. So he makes up stories about Voldie and J.K. Rowling publishes them.

Yuh. Makes no sense. Completely insane. xD

And yes, all wizards/witches are secretly obsessed with rubber duckies.

Disclaimer: I got the Snape/Hooch thing from another fanfic...Oo teh insane plot-type thing belongs to me, and all the characters and other stuff belongs to J.K Rowling.

Chapter One: Once Upon A Rubber Ducky...

Rolanda Hooch sat in Snape's office. She could never stop thinking about him. Because of her love for him, she didn't care about her rubber ducky nearly as much as everyone else did. She'd rather see Severus happy with his own rubber ducky. She had actually named her rubber ducky after him, you know.

She first met him when they were both about one and a half. "Severus" was her first word, as a matter of fact. He eventually moved away. They re-met at Hogwarts, but he ignored her. She decided she hated him, but she still loved him, nonetheless. She bought tons of gifts for him, like dancing purple flamingos, bunny ears, rainbow pajamas, and even bunny slippers! He accepted them, but he never thanked her once.

After Hogwarts, she decided she HAD to find out where he was working. She found him. He seemed depressed. But, he was happy to see her! They eventually started dating. A few years later, he asked her to marry him. She refused, because she didn't like his last name. She didn't want to damage his memory with a memory charm, but she wanted him to forget about ever dating her, so if she ever met him again, she might be able to have a chance with him. So she borrowed a neurlizer from the Men in Black.

She went to work at Hogwarts after that. A few years later, Severus came back to work at Hogwarts, too! But he was bitter as ever. Everyone made fun of his greasy hair. If she had agreed to marry him, he would be much more well-groomed and attractive. She was determined to get him once more.

After talking with Umbridge about her stupid ideas, Snape went back to his office. But when he entered, who else was there, but Rolanda Hooch, of all people! He threw a bunny slipper at her.

"Oh, Sev, darling!" she flung her arms around him.

"Um. Leave me alone."

She burst into tears. "W-were you just talking with...with UMBRIDGE?"

"Um. Yeah?"

"NOOOO. I THOUGHT YOU HATED PEOPLE. HOW CAN YOU LOVE PINK CARDIGAN WOMAN!"

"Um. I don't. She just called me to talk about something.

"Oh!" she immediately stopped crying. But then her lip started trembling again. "B-but...what about...VOLDIE! Do you love HIM?"

Severus' eyes widened. "Voldie! How could I love Voldie! HE STOLE MY RUBBER DUCKY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

She looked up at him. "Rubber ducky..."

They both looked at each other for a minute, then burst into song.

"RUBBER DUCKY, YOU'RE THE ONE...WHO MAKES BATHTIME LOTS OF FUN!" then they started crying, missing their rubber duckies.

Severus had always found Rolanda pretty annoying, but he somehow enjoyed her company. He had no idea WHY she ever wanted to be around him, though. He had always thought she just wanted to steal his rubber ducky. But he didn't have one now. Well, at least she never spoke of Harry to her. Or...James, Sirius, and Remus...he sighed, thinking of them. They never liked him. They were always mean to him...

James Potter glued on his moustache, and put his contacts in. Taking care of Dudley was such a pain...he sighed. "PETUNIA!" he yelled at his wife, Lily. He hated his new life. He hated having to look at his once beautiful wife, who now resembled Michael Jackson. He hated looking in the mirror every morning, and seeing Orson Wells. He sat down and started drawing rubber duckies.

"VERNON! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FRENCH TOAST FOR BREAKFAST?" he heard his wife's now squeaky voice yell.

"Yes, Petunia..." he sighed. He got up to get the door. No, no one rang it. He was just in the mood.

A flying cow flew in and attacked him. He sighed.

No one really understood him. He was thinking of divorcing Lily and marrying Sirius and Remus. But he didn't know if that was possible. Plus, the only person he TRULY loved...was Severus. But Sirius and Remus didn't love him. And Peter...they had all forgotten about Peter. But his animagi form was a mouse, after all...

Rolanda had to do something nice for Severus. Something REALLY nice. Get him a...new rubber ducky. But Voldie had stolen every rubber ducky in existence. But...the Muggle World. Voldie was blocked from entering the Muggle World. Maybe someone could have accidentally dropped one there, or something. The Muggles wouldn't know what it was, they'd probably just leave it there!

Rolanda searched the Muggle world. She didn't see any, so she went to question some Muggles. She entered the closest store to her, a toy shop, and spoke to the owner.

"Um. Have you seen a rubber yellow thing...that looks like a duck?" this was the best she could explain it.

"Oh, you mean rubber duckies? This way. he pointed to an isle. Rolanda gaped at him.

"Y-you know about...about rubber duckies!" she ran to the direction he was pointing.

And she saw them. Over ten rubber duckies. In one place. Hidden from Voldie! How the Muggles had found them, she didn't know, but she immediately bought them all. She ran outside and wrote a note to Snape.

"Severus! You have to come at once! I've found the best thing EVER! It's so great, I can't mention it in this letter! Hurry!" it said. She waited for him to apparate there, or send a note back.

She got a note from him, and quickly read it.

"Hooch, I'm not in the mood for this. I'm really busy right now, and I don't have time to have tea in the Muggle World."

She sighed, and wrote him another letter. "This is a LOT better than tea. Come, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life!"

His response was, "Fine."

Rolanda grinned so widely her head blew up. Again.

XD Did you like? You probably didn't oO But review anyway. Flame me, or tell me how much you love it. Give suggestions. I just might use them. I've only thought of a couple things to happen in the next chapter, one being obvious. (the end of what was just happening oO) Anyways. Review. Questions, Comments, Stuff. xD I'll shut up now. But review, damn yew xX