Chapter Seventeen

I was back on the basketball court, alone again.

One of my mix tapes played from the car. My favourite songs played at random through the open window of my car. I was attempting to get a free throw in the net, and failing miserably.

Jenny was with her boyfriend in our bedroom, forcing me to leave it. Lauren was at the mall with her friends. My parents and Nathan and Haley were doing some older couples thing, extremely unaware of Jenny's plan for the day. My friends were most likely at someone's house, listening to music and gossiping.

When had I let my life become so small?

Aunt Haley's song came on through the window, and I began to sing along to it, her beautiful voice affecting me as it always did.

The ball was released from the tips of my fingers. It soared through the air in a high arc. It made a tiny detour on the rim, and swished through the chain net. My eyes stayed on the net long after the ball went through, my ears on the music, my senses dulled.

I didn't notice when the ball didn't bounce, didn't notice the sound of an engine stopping, heavy footsteps approaching me. It was his voice that I noticed-

"Laughing with your pretty mouth," he sang along to the song. I stared at him for a moment before I responded.

"Laughing with your pretty mouth."

"Laughing with your broken heart," he sang. I'd known him my entire life and never heard him sing.

"Laughing with your broken heart," I responded. I took a step toward him, and he toward me.

"Laughing with your lover's song."

"Laughing with your lovers song," I sang back. I never sang in front of anybody, even him.

"In a lullaby." We sang together. His voice hit exactly the male voice, Chris, while mine sang Aunt Haley's. The CD in the background accompanied us. He took another step toward me.

"Where do you go when you're lonely,

Where do you go when you're blue?

Where do you go when you're lonely I'll follow you

When the stars go blue," we sang, my voice ever so slightly behind his. We repeated:

"Where do you go when you're lonely,

Where do you go when you're blue?

Where do you go when you're lonely I'll follow you…

When the stars go blue.

When the stars go blue.

When the stars go blue.

Where do you go when you're lonely?

Where do you go when the stars go… blue," we finished. I stared into his blue eyes, suddenly aware of how much they were looking back at me. Silently we forgave each other, and he took another step. Slowly I held my hands out to him, and he took two running steps toward me. He reached me, was less than half a foot away, with only the basketball in his arms between us. He looked down at it and threw it in a long, graceful shot into the river, where it bounced once and then floated towards the beach.

He took my hands in his, and I took a step toward him. Slowly, carefully, he wrapped his strong arms around me until I was pressed up against him, breathing in his scent. I closed my eyes. I'd missed him. He was my best friend. His lips found my hair. His leather basketball jacket wasn't zipped up, he was wearing a gray t-shirt. Through it, I could feel his hard stomach muscles. I recognize the shirt-I'd bought it for him.

I'd never trusted him to supply his own wardrobe.

"I can't live without you," he said finally.

"I never could," I said.

We were silent again for a time. Now there was no space between us. His arms were about my neck, mine curled onto his shoulders.

"Are you in love with my sister?" I asked finally.

"No," he said simply. Did he mean what I thought? Did I want him to?

"Don't leave me alone again," I said.

"As if I could! I've been persistently bugging you ever since Jenny and I kissed," he said.

"Yeah. And I'd have freaked if you had stopped," I admitted.

"I know. I know you better than you think," he said.

We were silent again. Silence worked for us. We'd known each other for so long that our silence had become comfortable. This was the problem with the boys I knew-I was too used to the comfortable silence, and when I was with a boy who wasn't Sawyer, I felt the need to talk constantly. This led to me having relations where speech wasn't necessary.

My thoughts flicked to John. I felt as though I was his girlfriend, but he wasn't my boyfriend. I couldn't care less about him, and he seemed to be falling in love with me. Or with the thought of me. He'd been furious when he'd discovered I'd hooked up with David Miller at a party, but I wouldn't have minded if he disappeared forever.

As I glanced back at Sawyer, these thoughts flew from my head. He was so different. The best friend I'd ever had. Including Jenny, who sometimes took me for granted.

I wondered if we'd be such good friends without our parent's influence. When we were younger, Sawyer and his family had moved between here and Charlotte to accommodate Nathan's basketball schedule. When he was around, we'd seen each other every day. When he wasn't, we'd email and talked on the phone. When we were babies, our parents had taken us to the park almost daily so the five of us could play together. They'd all needed each other. Mom and Haley had been eighteen when they'd had Sawyer and me respectively.

Or were we friends because of our age difference? Our due dates had been two weeks apart. He'd been born exactly on his, February 15th. My mother had had a difficult pregnancy, and she'd had a cesarean on the 22nd, exactly a week after Sawyer's birth. We'd had joint birthday parties, christenings (with our parents as each others godparents). We'd passed all the milestones together. Our mother had bragged to each other about our progress. He'd learned to walk before me, I to talk before him. There had never been a time in which he hadn't been noticeably larger than me. Especially now-he stood at almost a whole foot taller than me.

I looked up to meet his eyes again. They were staring down at me. He had such nice eyes. He had such nice everything.

He leaned down in slow motion. I tensed up, preparing for what was to come. As he came closer and almost made contact, I swished my head around and refused to look at him.