When I dreamed, it was nothing, just endless blackness. When my eyes finally fluttered open some hours later, they were met by his stare. It was dark in the room, and automatically my hands fluttered to my heart and I gave a small jump. His voice spoke softly as if afraid to startle me, " Christine, Christine, its alright," His hands still caressed my skin, causing a childish glee to pass over his face.
"Erik, why is it so dark in here, please a light" my voice wavered as I tried to remain calm. I could only make out his eyes as he laughed. It was an amused but not unkind sound now. When I opened my eyes again the entire room was illuminated and he was laying again, still unclothed beside me.
"My dear, do you realize now we are one forever?" He pressed his hands together smiling broadly, " Christine, I do not have words for what I feel...that is strange for me! Not to have words for how I feel! I am a composer and singer, I write my feelings into word and into music but nothing could describe this...this..." he paused moving his hands along my waist. I gasped at his forwardness. I wanted to push his hands away for they were causing that sensation to rise in me again, the one that I could not fight.
His long fingers traced my legs savoring the each and every touch. He was no longer acting of pure passion but sensual and adoring love. His lips fell to my thighs kissing them softly and moving to my knee. I reached for his face pulling it toward me. I could scarecly stand another moment of his kisses. When his face was level with mine he kissed my lips.
His anger was so fleeting with me. It was as if he had forgotten about my departure from him already. What would happen to us? That was an even greater mystery in my mind. I wondered what he was thinking now.
"Erik, my poor, sweet Erik, what must you be thinking of?" He took my hand in his own and for a time watched me as I studied him. Than he choose his words very carefully.
"Your Vicomte.." I fixed him with a frustrated glance and he nodded understanding, "the Vicomte, I only meant, what does he think of this decision of yours? Can I trust you will stay and that he will not come knocking upon my door?"
At this point he gave a glance toward the door to the Louis-Phillip room as if expecting Raoul to barg in and begin vowing to murder him. What a perfect illustration of his point. I cleared my throat, trying to think of the proper words.
" Raoul knows how I feel for you and he decided it was best that we not spoil what love was between us. He wants me to be happy and I know that with time he will move on to another love that will be better for him, so in awnser to your question no, he will not be back,"
He finally stood to dress himself commenting that as much as he would love to, he could not lie with me all afternoon. I now had lost track of time on the outside world. I had left Raoul in the night, returned to the house, slept and it must have been all morning that I slept between the dock and the house. Was it now night? Or had I slept an entire day away? I couldn't tell any more.
"What will happen to us, my love?" My voice was soft and questioning. My body refusing to stand and dress.
"If you like you could dress and than have something to eat, as I am sure you are hungary, are you not?" I nodded but made no move to rise.
"I am so tired, I think I have caught a cold, perhaps," I mumbled causing him to lean forward and examine me a bit.
"I believe you have just exhausted yourself, there have been so many odd occurences, Christine. First there was your 'disappearance' than our ordeal with the torture chamber and that boy, now...well the rest speaks for itself." His hand held my chin firmly and than backed away as he continued to speak, " take it from your old tutor, rest yourself, dress when you please, if you like you never have to dress," He shrugged sitting on the bed's edge.
"Erik, that isn't what I was asking," my face was questioning, longing. I felt that if anyone knew what we should do it would be him. Afterall for several months, he had given the best of advice and led me along, been my guardian and protector. Who was I? A lost little child who had foolishly clung to a fairytale never allowing myself to grow into an adult by doing so, and therefore being completely oblivious to anything that came my way. Such as Erik? Yes, especially Erik, but was that so bad?
Lookling into my wide, naive eyes, wanting awnsers so much, he shook his head, "What do you want to do?" I was more than taken aback by his questioning me over something so important.
"Do not give me that look! Christine, my love, you are quite capable of making decisions." My mouth was twisted in a frown. "You can no longer hide behind that innocent facade, you are a woman now, please do try and act like one," I nodded, but what he was saying was not rational. I was not going to make a decision that could effect us both so dramatically.
"What can I say, Erik? We can't stay here all of our lives," my voice was tired, I was more weary than I had been when I awoke. There was too much to take in at once, much too much. My mind could not comprehend what was happening to me. I knew that I should stand, dress, hold my head high and speak with him about the future. Were we to marry? Where would we live? I had so much planning to do, so much thinking to do on our new life. However, as much as I tried, my head fell back onto the pillows and I closed my eyes, feeling a wave of relaxation pass over me. Erik's hands closed around mine, watching as I started to drift into sweet dreams again.
"We will have a house, Erik." I began echoing absentmindedly in my dreamy state, what I wanted. "A house maybe in England or even Sweden, where I lived as a little girl, let's have one by the sea. So when I wake in the mornings I can walk along the shore and sing where all the waves will pause to hear me as they did my father. We will be so happy, won't we?" I think at this point he might have smiled faintly, but I was already more than half asleep. "We can go out on Sundays, and we can have children, and never have to be anyone but Erik and Christine as it should be," If I said anything else it was lost to me as I sank into a dream.
I am not sure how many times I drifted in and out of sleep for the next few hours. When I finally realized I had to get up, I opened my eyes. The room was well-lit and there was a damp cloth being patted against my skin. I looked deep into Erik's eyes and waited for him to say something.
"What happened?" I asked finally with a frown.
"It seems that your exhaustion was more of a cold, you just had a mild fever is all." His hands were back to my forhead and pushing me to the pillows as I tried to sit up.
"I feel terrible," I commented.
"You always sleep when you are not feeling well," He watched me for a time, "I was thinking about what you said, about living just as Erik and Christine," I gave him a small smile and shook my head hardly remembering what I had said at all." I agree, it is time that I left the opera, afterall the opera ghost himself, died when you went away with that boy,"
I felt a deep sorrow for my previous actions, more than anything I wanted to forget that any of it had happened. Part of me longed for the innocent moments I spent with Raoul pretending at our engagement, but another part wished that he had never came to speak to me in my dressing room.
"I do hope that you will soon stop reminding yourself of that," my voice spoke before I could stop it and I watched in horror as his face perfectly expressed his anger at the sentence.
"Remind myself? My dear, I am afraid that I need not remind myself, I have not forgotten nor am I near to forgetting. How could I forget you relaying what horror my visage evoked in you! Nor the amount of love you felt for him, nor your pledge of forever for him,"
I tried to smile but his voice echoed through the confines of what little sanity I had managed to maintain. I wanted to push off what he was saying but it was entirely true, no matter what, everything I had done would haunt him forever. "Erik, please believe that I will always be here, no more pretend, no more games, " I wanted to take his hand, but as I tried he gave me a look that I could not determine. It was one of those emotions that only Erik could feel, something that was beyond my comprehension.
"Believe you, Christine? For how long? I would like to think that you will always stay, but after all the heartless things you have done to me, all the pain you have caused, I think that trusting you would be very foolish," I searched frantically for some sign of weakness in those words, some trace that told me that he loved me more than hated me and he always would.
" Trust me, believe in me, remember you love me," He frowned again, and I thought I would scream at his patience with me, at his sheer refusal to give me an awnser.
"Trust you! Hah!" My eyes were filling up with tears, is this all there would be between us? Bitter sarcasm and harsh words? "For how long? Until you find the next handsome, rich man who sweeps you off of your feet and away from evil, hideous Erik?"
"The only thing that will drive me away from you is your hideous temper!" my anger was beyond my control now. I closed my eyes as I said this. I didn't want to fear Erik, but I think I always would.
" I apologize but no matter how I try I cannot force myself to believe that you are here for good," now he made an attempt to kiss me again. I could not refuse him but I could not move in the same way. I sat waiting until he pulled away and gave me a disgusted glare. "You don't love me!" He exclaimed, dramatically keeping any part of himself from coming into contact with me, my fever long forgotten. "You don't love me at all!"
I sighed, reaching out to him, attempting to console him from his fears and worrys but he would have none of it. He shoved my pitying fingers from him. I still felt ill, but he needed me than. That was what I loved most about my poor Erik, he always needed me and that was important to me. "Please don't be like this, you know I care for you deeply,"
Now he turned my way, staring intently at me as a cat playing with a mouse, "If you care so much, say it," He urged me on with am inviting smile, " Say I love you, Erik! Say it and mean it!" I shivered, I did love him, but I wasn't sure that saying it would calm him. Hadn't I thought that by coming to him and by visiting with him, he would calm himself, but he only had grown more frustrated and intense.
"I love you, Erik" I sighed, trying to be understanding and loving, but I was starting to feel that my efforts were wasted. "I love you, is that what you want to hear?"
"Yes, thank you, I love you as well," he grinned and began to trace my shoulder blades and the tops of my exposed breasts, " It will not take much to prove you love me, just kiss me. Not with passion as before but with love, kiss me," He leaned toward me, that horrible corpse with the most beautiful soul I had ever seen. Could I kiss him? Could I kiss him right than? I thought of the things he had done to obtain the things he desired and I quickly decided that it was best. I leaned in pressing my mouth to his, trying my best to melt into him as I had before but not succeeding as planned.
"Christine!" He pushed me away, holding me at arm's length, "I don't think that you really wanted to kiss me,"
His eyes were unreadable.
"This is ridiculous," I pulled away from him. He glared at me as if I had called more than his behaviour childish.
"It is true, Erik, I didn't want to kiss you at the moment. First you must understand that you cannot simply order a woman to do what you want her to and expect that she will like it," I paused taking his hands in my own again, shivering at the chill they caused, " I do want to kiss you, but not on your command," He seemed shocked by my sudden willingness to tell him how I felt. I had not been that bold before. As I said I wasn't in control of myself when he was near me. I could no longer think rationally.
There was no reply, instead he just watched me. I was more aware than before that I was naked before him and I dropped his hands to cover myself, flushing as I did so. He chuckled, "I am to be your husband than?" His question caught me off guard, I nodded quickly not giving a vocal awnser. " And you were so disgusted by the very same thought before, I wonder what changed your mind," his hands moved along to my abdomen, "Perhaps it is the thought that my child could even now, be growing inside of you," He smiled sadly.
" What is so special about me to you? Why do you have this strange...obsession with me?" I asked, as he drew away from me, to continue in his thoughts.
" One cannot choose with whom to fall in love," He leaned toward me, " From the moment I first heard you sing, I knew..there would never be another Christine Daae," I closed my eyes, I had been so naive. I had taken his love for me and allowed it to grow, to become what it was now, a monster. Could I blame him when my own passion for him was much less innocent than his had been? Could I accuse him of having an unhealthy love for me, when he was dreaming of keeping me as his wife, and I was dreaming of making love with him as if I were no more than some lady of the night?
" Christine?" His voice brought me from my thoughts, " We must prepare to leave this place at once, I believe that the memories here are the cause of your exhaustion, would you not agree it best to leave?" I touched his hand happily. Of course I wanted to leave! I never wanted to see the dreaded understories again. It would have been wonderful to never even see Paris again.
"Oh let's leave this place, soon, I cannot stand to be near that horrible torture chamber any longer," He nodded his head in agreement, but his face was dark. He leaned his face toward me for another kiss, but I leaned so that those lips touched my forhead.
"Well I believe that I will go and make the proper arrangements than, since you seem so fond of the idea I shall look into purchusing a house in Sweden by the sea" I watched him stand and leave without speaking to me. When he was gone I felt despaired. I hated to be all alone in that house. Especially with the stories of opera ghosts and heads of fire, that I didn't believe in, running through my head. Sure, Erik was the opera ghost but still those stories frightened me as I thought I heard footsteps. I was such a foolish girl than.
It was only a moment before I decided that I was better off dressing and eating, My stomach rumbled slightly and I realized how hungary I was. I stood up, not sure what I was intending to do afterword. Finally I busied myself with finding the proper garments as most of mine were damaged in one way or another, particularly the dress which no longer had any buttons. When all was done I attempted to push my hair into something that resembled tidiness. I cannot say that I very well succeeded.
I quickly decided to find a book and fall deep into it after my meal. That would keep me busy until Erik returned to me again.
