(A/N: Turtle's updating this story again! Yey! Anyways, Frank is a real person. He's not really Filch's brother, I hope. But he was the janitor at my old school. And he seriously did look exactly like Filch without the hair. oO Seriously, his face was exactly the same. And Anna is completely made up. She belongs to meee. Bwahaha.)

Chapter Four: When Rubber Duckies Attack

"Argus, you can't hide from it any longer..." said Frank.

"...I'm not hiding it." replied Filch.

"...Oh." said Frank. "Well. You wanna go get some ice-cream?"

"No. I want to stay here and yell at kids for skipping and looking happy."

"Oh. Well, suit yourself." said Frank, and left the room.

Frank wasn't just your typical old friend. He was Filch's...non-evil twin, lets say. He looked exactly like him, without the hair. And he was a little less...greasy-looking. He was not a Squib as Filch was, but he lived in the Muggle World. He worked as a school janitor there, because it was safe from Voldie.

"Argus!" called someone unfamiliar to Frank, as well as everyone else in Hogwarts. "Do you remember me! Its me, Anna!"

"Sorry, I'm not Argus." said Frank with a smile.

"Oh, come on. You know I'm not gonna buy that. Sure, you cut your hair, and its...gray. But you're still the same person I'm looking for!"

"No, I'm really not Argus. I'm his identical twin brother."

Anna simply laughed.

Filch came out of his office. "Frank, you'd better not be-Anna!"

Anna looked at Filch, then at Frank, then back to Filch. "...You were telling the truth."

"Yes, I was." smiled Frank. "I'm Frank Filch. This is Argus." he gestured toward his brother. "Well, I'm off." and he left.

"Argus...it's...been a long time." said Anna.

"Hello, Anna," said Filch rather coldly. "Still cleaning up dust bunnies and shining shoes for that Malfoy family?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am." she replied just as icily.

"So why'd you come back? Trying to get money out of me to pay back your debt to them?"

"No, I just came to give you something."

"Which is?"

Anna leaned toward him, closing her eyes slowly. When he started to close his eyes, she drew her fist back, and punched him with all of her might in the jaw, causing him to fall backwards and pass out.

"THAT'S FOR MAKING LUCIUS SAVE ME, YOU ASSHOLE!" and with that, she turned on her heel and stomped off.

-

"MINERVA! I'VE BROUGHT THEM!" yelled Dumbledore. "I'VE BROUGHT...oh, hell, what were their names again? ROLERUS AND SEVANDA!"

Minerva walked into the room. "Tehehe. Rolerus. -hic- Sevanda." she giggled like a schoolgirl. "Hey, Bumblebore. You gots any more -hic- WHISKAYYYY?"

"MINERVA! HOW DARE YOU GET INTO MY HIDDEN SUPER-SECRET UNKNOWN BY ANYONE BUT ME ALCOHOL CABINET! CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS WILL HEAR OF THIS!"

"Albus, I thought you were Captain Underpants." said Rolanda.

"No, I have to be drunk to be Captain Underpants. And shame on you two, wandering off into the Muggle World like rebellious teenagers!"

"We're sorry." Rolanda and Severus replied. They hung their heads.

"Yeah, I suppose you're forgiven." said Albus. He pulled them into a huddle. "But if I ever, EVER, hear you've done anything like that with, say, HAGRID. Your days of drinking chocolate milkshakes will be OVER."

The both gasped in horror.

"We'll be good, I promise!" cried Severus. They both ran off.

"You'd better," glared Albus.

-

"James." said Lily.

James jumped. It was the first time she had called him by his real name since before Harry was born.

"James?" Dudley cocked his head. "James is dead."

"Look, Dudders..." said Lily. "It's time we reveal something to you."

"Lil-er-Petunia! We took an oath never to tell him!"

"We don't have a choice." said Lily.

"Why not? Why do we suddenly have to tell him?"

"Because," said Lily. "Because. We have been lying to our son. Our innocent, wonderful son. And LOOK at what our lies have turned him into! This snobby, self-centered kid! Harry brought you away from Sirius and Remus. If it weren't for him, we would never have had to get married. You would be married to Sirius and Remus, and I'd be in Las Vegas, hitting on some sixty-year-old fat chick! He deserves it. But DUDLEY. How DARE we treat him this way!"

Dudley stared at them blankly. "I...I knew it."

Lily looked at him, as if she just realized he was there.

"You're both...you're both...HOMOSEXUALS!" he cried.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Well, yeah. But that wasn't exactly the thing we've been keeping from you. I thought that was pretty obvious." she eyed James, who was desperately trying to clean up wine he spilt on the carpet.

"Oh." said Dudley. He plopped onto the sofa. "What's your big dark secret then?"

"Well..." started Lily. "The easiest way to cover it...Harry's not your cousin."

"...I KNEW IT!" he yelled. "I KNEW I COULDN'T BE RELATED TO THAT STUPID KID! I KNEWWWW IT!" he did a jig.

"HE'S YOUR BROTHER." said Lily.

Dudley stopped dead in his tracks. "...Pardon?"

"HE'S YOUR DAMN BROTHER."

"But...he can't be my brother. Because, you know, his parents are Lily and James, your sister and her husband..."

"We ARE Lily and James."

"No you aren't. You're Petunia and Vernon."

"No, we're Lily and James."

"Petunia and Vernon."

"Lily and James."

James phoned up the Men in Black, and asked them to come over with their neuralizer.

"Petunia and Vernon."

"Lily and James."

"Petunia and Vernon."

"Lily and James."

This went on for several hours, until the Men in Black arrived and made Dudley forget the entire conversation.

-

Severus ran from Dumbledore's office to a small broom closet, with Rolanda following him. They both went inside it.

"Look," he said. "I know we've only been together for a short time, but I've known you for so long. And I'm just...so alone."

"Severus, I can make sure you're never alone." she said dreamily.

He fumbled in his pocket. "Look, I've had this for a long time. I don't know where it came from, but I've been looking for the right person to give it to for a long time..."

When he looked up at her, her face was only about two inches away from his.

Before he could say 'ring', their mouths were connected.

"I love you, Severus." Rolanda said when the kiss was over.

"Rolanda...I...love you too." said Severus.

She looked happier than he had ever seen her. And he was about to make her even happier, he hoped.

"That's why..." he pulled a box out of his pocket, and opened it. It contained a diamond ring. "Will you...marry me?"

She stared in shock. For the second time in her life, she had the chance to fulfill her lifelong dream. She couldn't pass it up this time.

But how could she agree! 'Rolanda Snape'! She cringed at the thought of it. How could she possibly live with that name? Well, maybe she could keep her maiden name. They let people do that. It would be weird, to be married to him and have a different name. But it would be better than not marrying him at all!

"...Can I keep my last name?" she inquired.

"...Wha?"

"I don't really like the surname 'Snape'. Can I keep mine?"

He stared at her. "Rolanda, if you truly love me, the last name won't matter."

"It shouldn't matter to you, either. Can I keep mine? It's a simple question, really."

He sighed. "I suppose."

She nearly cried with happiness. "Yes! Yes, I will! We can live in the Muggle World, or we can remain in Hogwarts, or we can get a nice cottage near the border! It doesn't matter where, but we'll be together! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life!" she flung her arms around him.

He smiled. "It is, isn't it..."

-

Voldie cried and cried in his fuzzy pink armchair. "How could I let him go? He was the most important thing in the world to me...besides my rubber duckies, that is...oh, and Dumbledore..."

But Dumbledore loved Hagrid. Plus, Lucius was a much better lover than Dumbledore. Dumbledore would turn into Captain Underpants in the middle of a romantic dinner and ruin everything. Lucius, on the other hand, was absolutely perfect. But he refused to divorce Narcissa, for whatever reason.

"Voldie, you busy?" Wormtail called.

"I'm never busy anymore, since my Lucie left me..."

"Yeah. So you want to have a candlelit dinner with me and swim together in your pool of rubber duckies? I'm single, you know."

"I'll pass." Voldie replied.

"Come on, Voldie. You need to get over Lucius. He wasn't your soul mate, anyways. Dumbledore is. But you and Dumbledore can't be, since you live in different worlds. But, there's always me as your third option!"

"There are SO many options above you. Draco, Frank, Argus, Dobby, Anna-"

"Anna's a woman, Voldie."

"I know, but she's still above you."

"Oh. Well, your loss, I guess." and with that he left.

Dumbledore was his soul mate, now was he? Well, even so, he was determined to get Lucius back. Lucius was the one he loved...

-

Tehehe. That chapter was a little much, wasn't it? xD Well, you know teh drill. Review, cookie. :3