After that, we retired to bed, silently agreeing to gloss over the horrible exchange we had recently had. Maybe it was the way he'd looked at me, but something in him made me powerless in the fight that I not forgive him. I suppose it was the thought that maybe it was not all him doing these things, the hope that the man I loved so dearly would soon replace him again. At any rate, I never refused to let it go repeatedly; for whatever reason, Anakin still made me feel weak when he looked at me. That intense gaze burning into my own, screaming so many things at once. Now we laid, side by side in our room. "Goodnight." I brushed my hand across his shoulder. "Goodnight." It was a very quick and simple swap of words to negotiate around the awkwardness of it all. "I love you." He sighed, though it was several moments later. "I love you too." The words sounded heavy in the air, practically echoing on his ears as my head rested behind his own. I presumed that sleep had come easy to him, as he was seemingly there in moments. Therefore, I laid, my thoughts echoing off the walls and back to me with no better conclusion than I might've already reached in my own mind. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep that was regarded silence and dreamlessness.
That sleep soon was interrupted by a scream.
"Anakin!" I shouted, grabbing his hand. He mumbled something in a strained, choked voice and his eyes popped to alertness. "Just a dream, again." I took his face into one of my hands. "It's alright." His face wasn't as horrified, as it had been a moment before. "You're alright." He collapsed back onto the pillow. A look of confusion washed over me, and then it dawned on me that he had dreamt another dream of my pain. "Yes, Ani, I'm here. Beside you, and I'm safe." I said, trying to free him from this anxiety. He kissed my hand that still had a death grip on his own, and turned back over to me. "Good, this is where you belong." His voice was still stretched and unclear in the works of some mumbling now and then. My mouth formed a wide smile, hearing the desire for me in his voice. He wanted reassurance that I was his and that he was mine, and that made me feel butterflies in my stomach, butterflies of excitement at the fact that I now saw the same eyes I'd been longing to see for so long. Eyes that saw only me. I winced at myself, thinking of how incredibly vain that was. "I know." I said, the smiled reappearing more faint on my lips. He kissed my cheek gently and stood out of bed. "Get some rest, please." He fixed his sleeping pants so that they sat higher on his figure. "Where are you going?" My eyebrows made a point at the base of my forehead. "Just need to sit and think a while. Just get some rest." A concentrated look rested on his face. "Sure, Dear." I turned over uncomfortably on my pillow. Sleep did not come easily then, not after having been worked out of my sleep so hastily. Somehow, tears welled inside of my eyes, but I refused them. So many different emotions bubbled inside of my heart and mind at the moment. I was so angry with myself, disappointed that I had let it go so easily earlier. I was terrified and in hate with the person I had seen. I was ashamed I had fained forgiveness when I was lying in my bed listing the horrible feelings I had not let go of. I felt intense love, compassion, and even at length, passion for Anakin in his recent and better moments. I could not lay in the mayhem of my thoughts any longer. I walked into the living room to see him sitting in a chair. "Ani, please come back to bed." I said, voice soft with the last thoughts I was thinking still buzzing around my mind passion.' "I-I will soon." He cast his gaze onto me. My eyes rested on him as well.
"I want you to come now, please?"
I moved closer to where he was sitting. He smiled a lopsided smile and raised up from the chair. "Okay, for you, Padmé ." He took my hand in his. "Thank you." I rested my head on his shoulder. "I was hoping you'd come and ask me back." His eyes looked out at the farthest wall. "Why didn't you just follow in on your own?" I asked, gazing up at him. He looked so boyish in the moonlight. "Because I didn't want to bother you. I was afraid you were a little resentful I woke you up." He sighed and laughed a little on the last note. "You bother me more by leaving, but I know you need your space." I rolled over onto his stomach so I was looking into his eyes. "I do, but I'd like you to be in my space with me, if that at all makes sense." I laughed a little, shifting my weight so I wasn't pressing onto him so hard. "It doesn't but I don't much care, I'd rather it not." Soon the anger and confusion were gone again. "I missed this." He said, folding his hands on the blades of my shoulders. His hands were warm and his fingers danced nervously, though he didn't know I could feel it. "Missed what?" I asked, taking in every curve of his face as though I need to draw on this memory to remember it well. "Missed spending time with you, missed seeing you smile." A feeling shot through me, I was a little overwhelmed. The sincerity in his eyes suddenly erased every trace of our arguments, every trace or my horrible feelings I had harbored. "I-I missed you too…I mean, I-I…" I stammered. I hardly remembered the days when he actually left me breathless. His eyes were caring and warm, and I wanted nothing more than to stare into them. Then it settled over me, a feeling of deep-rooted confusion interrupting my moment of happiness. He changed so quickly tonight, too quickly too have me be comfortable with it. One moment I was ready to rip him in two, and the next I can hardly contain myself from hugging and kissing him. My own change surprised me to some extent, though I could never stay mad with Ani for long. My logical thoughts often interjected into my happier ones, ruining a moment that simply couldn't be retraced quite the same way. My face had an obvious drop in it, and I pushed that from my mind.
"I don't care right now. Anakin missed me. I missed him. I don't care right now."
I forced that thought out of my mind. "Something wrong, Padmé? He asked, rubbing my shoulders. I hesitated a moment, repeating that I did not care over and over in my mind. "N-no, of course not." I dropped off him and laid by his side in bed. He touched my face and I shuddered. "Are you sure everything's alright? Do you need to talk to me?" I could tell he was just trying to be nice but something in me felt like this was all becoming such a stretch. "I don't really want to talk." I took his hand in mine. "What happened?" His eyes were asking the same question. One that I could not answer if I had wanted to. "Nothing."
He brushed my hair from my eyes, seeming so careful and
adept. "I love you, very much."
He was playing with my hair.
I slid upwards to see his eyes, and placed my mouth over his.
Suddenly, I had my own sense of adeptness as a romantic come over me.
He kissed back with the same fervor as I had initiated the kiss. This
was moment of preoccupation with one another. His hands were holding
my face by the sides, mine holding his. Our breath heavy and
rhythmic. But that thought slid into my mind, so quietly at first. It
was like my mind was telling me this was not right, and my heart
didn't care. Little voices of insecurity, of doubt or logicality
always slipped in when I honestly wanted them to stay out. I was with
my husband that I felt as though I had not seen in ages. Maybe I
should've listened when they first started, but I didn't. I broke
the kiss, reluctantly, and put my hands on his shoulders. His chest
heaved rapidly and his eyes were burning with confusion. "W-what's
wrong?" He said, catching his breath. "I can't, Ani, I'm
sorry…" I gave him a quick kiss and swept from the room.
I
didn't know where I was going, there was no where he wouldn't
follow. I sat in the chair I had retrieved him from and stared out
the window. My own confusion was almost too much to bear. How could
he have been so caring about me then and so horrible before? What
decided which of these two I got to see? Who was he really? Questions
swirled in my mind, quick paced thoughts yammering inside. I didn't
know what to do. He still didn't know the news that I'd been
hiding from him, the visible evidence getting hard not to notice. I
had planned to tell him when he arrived, but things got ugly too
quickly there. I wondered how he couldn't have noticed, but I did
not ask. The fact that I was, indeed, pregnant with Anakin's child,
was one that temporarily both excited and horrified me. The outburst
we shared before, the mistrust I'd seen too often in his eyes, was
not the person I wanted to share my child with. Soon he appeared in
the doorway, hair wild and looking as though he was apologizing.
"What's wrong, Padmé ? I told you before, I feel
as though something is wrong here. If you need to talk to me, I'd
really like to listen." He took a seat across from me. "I-I have
something to tell you…" I smiled faintly. His eyes widened.
"Anything." He begged me to go on. "We're going to have a
child." I looked into his eyes, which were wider now than before, a
smile crossing his face broadly. "What!" He yelled, laughter in
his voice. How I missed that laughter in him, and to see that he too
wanted a family as I did and was excited about the thought we were
going to have our own, it brought joy to my bursting heart. "Padmé
!" He threw his arms around me. "That's terrific news." His
voice was jumpy and a little nervous. "Yes, Ani, I know." I
smiled and hugged him back. I pushed aside my doubts that it wasn't
as terrific as I was saying. "Why didn't you tell me before?"
He asked, gasping. "Because I was unsure of what you'd want."
He looked like I was somebody strange. "Padmé, I want
nothing more than to start a family with you." He took my face in
his hands again, as he always did when he felt the moment was getting
intense. It was his way of connecting with me. "Thank you." I
needed to hear that, badly. I needed to be reassured that he would
want this as I did, that even through the storms I was seeing rage in
his eyes, that he'd stand up and be with me. "Never think
otherwise." His voice was rather commanding. My own breath was
shortened and a little stretched.
We laughed and talked a little
longer, just kind of nonsensical mumblings and bursts of happiness
now and then, before heading back to bed.
"Good night, Ani."
I smiled into his eyes.
"Good night." He smiled back to me.
To be continued
