(A/N: I haven't updated in so long. I've been busy, moving across teh country and settling in. Then I had writer's block for a while. Mhm. o.o So, here you go. Another exciting episode of Rubber Ducky Soap Opera)

Chapter Five: How the Rubber Ducky Crumbles

"NARCISSA, I'M HO-" Lucius stopped abruptly as soon as he entered the house.

Michael sighed. "You may as well pay me right here."

"No, I'm not done with you yet." Narcissa glared at him. She then turned to Lucius. "I thought you were out having a love affair with that rubber ducky stealer."

He sighed and stared down at his feet. "He...doesn't understand me. He wants me to divorce you."

Michael raised an eyebrow. "I used to think I had marital problems.."

"Lucius, we probably should get divorced. I mean, look at us!" Narcissa sighed.

"NO! WE SWORE AN OATH WHEN WE GOT MARRIED! WE'RE BOUND TOGETHER BY OUR LOVE!" Lucius cried out.

"Lucius...we shouldn't keep living like this."

Lucius burst out crying. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I'M LEAVING!" he ran out of the house.

-

Draco watched his father leave. It didn't make much of a difference, anyways. Ever since he met Voldie, his father only came home about once a month.

Not that his mother was a great parent, either. She didn't really care about him. He only stayed there because they had tons of fancy things. Being rich was the bomb.

"Yo! Draco! Mah homie gizzle!" Crabbe called.

"I'm not really in the mood, Crabbe."

"For what?"

"Um. For you?"

"Oh." he hopped away.

Draco sighed. He needed to make some friends with an IQ of over 40. He always wanted to be friends with that Harry kid. He was so cool. He made that guy his father was obsessed with miserable. But nooo. He was in SLYTHERIN, the house VOLDIE was in. Oh well.

-

"WHAT?" Minerva shrieked.

"I said, I'm marrying Rolanda." Severus said.

"But you CAN'T! I LOVE YOU!" she clung to him.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "I thought you loved Dumbledore."

She shifted her eyes a little. "Well, that was ten minutes ago. I change my mind occasionally. Plus, he's in love with Hagrid."

"Well, what about Mad-Eye? I heard he was available."

Minerva gasped. "MAD-EYE! HE MUST BE MINE!" she ran away at top speed.

Suddenly, Severus realized how stupid and pathetic this story is. He merely sighed.

-

"James...I still think we should tell the boy.." Lily sighed.

"No way, PETUNIA. We can't tell him! We promised we wouldn't!"

"...You know, I love it when you get angry."

"...Whoah. What? Look, woman. I don't swing that way!"

She sighed. "Yeah, I know. Man and woman don't belong together, but living with you for so long has made me...kind of into you, I guess. I never had a special woman in my life. You're the only person I've ever truly loved."

James sighed. " suppose I've grown to love you too. Although there's still a place in my heart for Remus and Sirius."

She smiled. "I'm happy for that."

"So, don't you think we should still keep Dudley in the dust about it?"

"I suppose..."

"Good." he smiled back.

-

"So, Hooch. You're finally getting married." Minerva stated casually.

"Yes, I am. I'm so happy!" she squealed.

Minerva glared at her. "If you ever hurt my Severus.."

Rolanda sighed. "GET. OVER. HIM. He dumped you a loong time ago. You can find someone else."

...She raised an eyebrow. "I dated him? Huh. I don't recall. But the thing is. I CAN'T find someone else. It's impossible to find love in this world, for me. Therefore I have to annoy the crap out of you and get in the way of your relationship constantly."

"Oh, okay. What about Mad-Eye? I heard he was available." Rolanda casually stated.

"That's EXACTLY what Sevvy said. I looked into that. He's gay."

"Oh. Well, that was obvious. Ninety percent of wizards and witches are gay, so I wouldn't have thought he would have been part of that ten percent. That was stupid of me."

"I'm also madly in love with Dumbledore. But he's in love with Hagrid. And I heard he has even stronger feelings for Voldie. I think Filch is in love with him, too. As well as Lucius, Peter, Cornelius, and even Harry Potter. So yeah. He's kind of a...man's man. Tehehe."

"Oh, who DOESN'T have feelings for Dumbledore? Everyone has super-secret feelings for that sexy hunk of man meat that wears a cape and flies around only wearing underwear. But you have to be a SAINT to get a piece of him. Or really fat and misunderstood. That seems to turn him on too."

"Yeah, I guess. Well, I'm off." Minerva sighed.

"See you!" Rolanda smiled.

-

"Voldie, darling! I'm baaaack!"

Voldie gasped. "Lucie, my love!" he pulled Lucius into a tight embrace.

"I've made up my mind. I'm going to leave Narcissa."

"For real?"

"Yes. I simply cannot live without you."

"Oh, Lucius! This is the happiest day of my life! Now we can be together forever, with nothing in our way!"

Lucius nodded. "I'm living with you all the time for now on. We will never be apart." He walked over to Voldie's stereo and turned it on. Some romantic music played.

"Lucius, you're so wonderful!" he grabbed him and started to dance.

Just then, Wormtail came in. "Oh crap.." he murmered. "Back already, Lucius?"

"Oh, hey there, Wormtail."

"I need to tell you something, Lucius."

"Yes?"

"I am carrying your baby."

Voldie suddenly dropped Lucius and the music went to a halt.

"WHAT?" Voldie screamed. He ran over to Wormtail and picked him up by the collar.

"I beat you to it. I'm sorry."

"LUCIUS IS A MAN!"

Wormtail raised an eyebrow. "Um, yeah? And I'm a woman. Aren't you a little surprised about that?"

"I ALREADY KNEW THAT! THAT WAS OBVIOUS! BUT LUCIUS! YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME!" he dropped Wormtail and started foaming at the mouth. "Luciusssssss..."

"I...I never said I was a woman!" he started crying. "Don't hurt me, Voldie! I love you!"

He stopped in his tracks. "Lucius. A man. I love you too. You're a man. I'm madly, deeply, in love with you.." he gasped. "I'm GAY!"

Everyone raised their eyebrows.

"Hmm, Voldie. You own every Cher record ever made, you're a professional ballet dancer, You've seen the play "Romeo and Juliet" over 300 times, and you don't own a single article of clothing that isn't fluffy and pink. I might say that's kind of obvious." Wormtail said slowly.

Voldie collapsed to the floor and started crying. "I was blinded this whole time, by that door. But now I see the light! I have found my way out of that room, filled with clothing, and shoes! To a place now open to me! I see it now! The pieces are all falling into place now!"

"That has to be the worst speech I have ever heard." Wormtail muttered.

"DON'T MOCK MY SPEECHES!" Voldie threw a bunny slipper at him.

Lucius got onto his feet and held Voldie. "This doesn't change a thing, Voldie. You still remain with the person you love. Your life still remains the same."

Voldie stared at him. "Are you SURE you aren't a woman?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

"Well, I suppose I can love a man."

-

Hah. See, it's a soap opera. It's almost as badly written as one. Well, I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts and opinions. They make me want to continue. Reviews are an HONOR to meh. points to teh review thingie