A/N: I'm extremely sorry that some of you didn't like my last chapter, but I really promised that Snape's life would pick up from now on! Cause it's payback time! shudders Just don't tell Snape I'm hiding in Afghanistan, will you? Arwen Rayne, please give me a chance to redeem myself! Pretty please! Okay, okay, I'll dedicate this one to you! Thank you Lady Lostris and Mariel1337 for reviewing! My gracious thanks to Kyra Invictus Black for reviewing again! I'll dedicate this chapter to all of you too! Really Arwen, the purpose of tormenting Snape is just a plot to lead the story onto something better for Severus! Enjoy! A hint of SS/MM, AD/ST and CF/DU
'Thank Merlin the summer hols are fast approaching! That was the 699th one gone to pieces!' exclaimed your best buddy Ron, who had just stepped out of a disastrous lesson tutoring Neville Longbottom potions. No wonder, I mean, look at his hair! It would have gone well at a punk concert, it's just that soot black isn't really IN this summer.
Snape had been in a murderous and foul mood after Madam Pomfrey came and claimed what's left of him in a snuffbox after the "House-elf Rebellion" and promptly served out detentions each for the three Weasleys and Peeves? Nevertheless to say, Peeves was peeved that he was the first ghost in the history of Hogwarts to be handed a detention slip. Except, the detentions were unique to say the least, though terrible just the same. Ron, Fred and George were ordered to give Neville three potions tuitions a week for the whole year while Peeves received a probation order to play practical jokes and sent to Filch as a janitor assistant. Now, I think you can possibly imagine tutoring someone who keeps blowing cauldrons up in your face or working for someone who keeps breathing down your neck and bossing you around. ("March two three four! Hurry up, Peeves! My Great-great-great-great grandmother can pass through walls faster than you!")
'A house-elf rebellion!' roared Cornelius Fudge, 'Preposterous! Never, in all my years as Minister for Magic! Now, see here Dumbledore…' You look around, Fudge together with Dolores Umbridge were waddling in the wake of Professor Dumbledore locked in intense argument.
'As long as I am Minister of Magic, I deem that you shall not pay those house-elves wages!' Fudge cried and leapt to his full height, waving his index finger in the air authoritatively.
'Cornelius, please understand. You know very well that Hogwarts, or any other wizard establishment for that fact, cannot function without house-elves! And where am I going to find so many house-elves to replace the current batch in such short notice? Actually, Cornelius, house-elves have been misused and underprivileged for centuries. I think it's time we gave them what their credited for!' Dumbledore reasoned as though he were talking to a very slow child.
'What!' Fudge exclaimed incredulously, wide-eyed and appalled. Meanwhile, Umbridge, who was standing behind Dumbledore, was pointing her stubby finger towards her temple and circling it round and round while mouthing to Fudge something about "Koo Koo ".
'My sincerest apologies Dumbledore, but I'm afraid we'll be remaining here to help close the case on this outrageous revolt! Don't worry, we'll help you find a way round, and possibly much more suitable sla- I mean house-elves!' Umbridge simpered, grabbing hold of Fudge's arm, 'Now, if you'll excuse us Dumbledore, we have a most private business to attend to.'
As Umbridge dragged a whimpering Fudge ("Do we have to?") mercilessly along, you thought you distinctly heard Umbridge muttering in that sickly sweet voice of hers, 'Thank goodness we're rid of that twit! I say, it's no use wasting our energy on a clearly pointless debate with him when we can waste it on making "pumpkin pie". Now we'll just have to find an empty classroom, Fudgey dear! Severus just brewed me a most highly effective concoction! It's supposed to improve my performance…'
'Eurghhh…' Ron retched looking disgusted, 'First, Neville. Now, this! I didn't know Fudge had a thing for toads! Maybe he and Neville should meet up some day!'
A few seconds later, after the ministry duo entered a nearby classroom, a horrible screech - no it was more like a banshee singing, resounded and reverberated off the walls of the castle. 'SEVERUS SNAPE! YOU ASS! COME HERE AND SHOW YOURSELF!'
CRACK!
Suddenly, thousands of glass splinters decided to rain upon you and Ron. Ducking, you gaze upwards – a high gothic window had shattered into smithereens.
'Come on, Ron,' you motioned towards your buddy, 'I think we better scram, Double Potions, next!'
Potions Lesson No.5 – A Comedy of Errors. Or What You Will…
'Good morning my lovelies!' the falsely cheerful voice of Snape enthused, much to your chagrin. You cringed at the sound as Snape eyed you and Ron balefully. Hopefully, he would forget that ignominious calamity; otherwise, it will be wise to avoid Snape as much as possible. Ever since that calamity, it was noticed that Snape's mood swung unpredictably and he could be as finicky and mercurial as the weather – a while calm, boisterous than all of a sudden subdued again. Too subdued in fact…
'Good morning, Professor!' the class chanted, hardly daring to breathe.
'Well, settle down! Today, we shall begin on one of the more complex potions – Animal Transformation Potion. Or ATP for short, it transforms the user into an animal he or she resembles most for a week upon execution of a special command. The user will stay thus unless the command is triggered again. Today, I have enlisted the aid of your illustrious Deputy Head Mistress to right your awry Transfiguration experiments – which I'm sure many of you will be brewing. It is essentially, a precarious concoction, thus I warn anyone with intentions of fooling around that you might remain in a perpetual animal state if Min – Professor McGonagall decides.' Snape coughed nervously, realising he had just been informal while addressing his colleague to the students. Beneath you, you felt the bench creak as precocious Hermione poised herself, raring to prove that she will not muck up her experiment.
'However, Professor McGonagall is a little caught up meanwhile in some affair or another, so I suggest we proceed - '
BANG!
The dungeon door buckled violently and swung on its hinges at that moment, admitting a seething Umbridge…Marching forth brusquely, she pounced on Snape and grabbed him by the collar, pulling him towards her. Every inch of her pouchy countenance contorted with livid fury, she bridled and spat venomously, 'YOU ASS! WHAT THE HECK DID YOU SLIP ME?'
Many an intrepid men were known to have cowered under her assault, but not Snape. Who was she anyway to command him on a whim? She was but a pouchy gargantuan toad who had the minister twisted around her stubby fingers, but surely she couldn't ruin his career? After all, Dumbledore would have thanked him for getting back at Umbridge. It's not like Dumbledore is under her spell, right? Right!
'SEVERUS SNAPE! HOW COULD YOU? AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU!' a familiar majestic voice echoed through the dungeon. It was Dumbledore. You had never seen him this furious and grave before. You look on, astonished as the look the headmaster gave Snape pained him so much that he, the resident terror, actually quivered in his shoes.
'How could you Severus? How could you do this to me?' moaned Dumbledore, sweeping into the class like a raging tempest.
'What do you mean I did something headmaster? The only thing I've ever done is give Umbridge an ATP instead of an Aphrodisiac Potion!' cried Snape wriggling in Umbridge's grasp.
'AH HA!' cried Umbridge triumphantly, 'So you've finally admitted to your crime!'
'Yes, but I've done the headmaster no wrong!' Snape whined.
'Oh is it? Tell me, Severus. Doubtless as your potion skills are, ATPs are still unachievable without a fantastic ability in Transfiguration… Am I right in saying that Minerva assisted you willingly in the making of the potion?' asked Umbridge. Snape nodded in reply.
'Willingly? – Fascinating!' Umbridge pointedly added, slyly lacing her sarcasm.
Comprehending her meaning, Snape quickly retorted, 'Willingly as in everyone knows she dislikes you!'
'Pah! Don't listen to his nonsense Albus! He is clearly trying to advert you from the fact that he is snogging your beloved!'
'Am not! Clearly headmaster, you know me better than that! After all these years, do you take the word of an obnoxious toad over mine?' cried Snape, a pleading note in his voice.
'Oh Ho! – Indeed, Albus knows you well enough to judge for himself. Your lies are baseless and hollow! Full of Balderdash!'
'Like your head?'
'Chortle all you want Severus, but I have solid evidence that you and Minerva are to dance the Tango in Goblet of Fire! Hmmm…I believe both of you have been communing for lessons ever since? Apparently you are rusty without practice, or so you say,' Umbridge consulted a list of parchment that had appeared in her hands out of thin air.
'What about me? Who's my dance partner?' asked Dumbledore, anxiously bending over to peek at the list.
'Well, according to the Yule Ball scene list, you are to be paired off with a number of women. Minerva was originally slated to dance with Ludo, but he lost a bet…' here, her gaze wandered over to Snape and she fixed him a meaningful eye, 'Anyway, yours is waltz with Sprout, foxtrot with Maxime, "Funky Chicken" with Sinistra.'
'But I thought Jo said the scenes would go according to the book? Who's my tango partner by the way?' Dumbledore began perusing the list ardently.
'Sybill.'
Dumbledore nearly tripped.
Umbridge steadied Dumbledore with her pudgy hands muttering, 'It's not really Jo's fault Albus, like I said he black- did us all in.'
'Do not malign me you obsequious wart! Here, while you're at it, you might as well lick his shoes!'
'ENOUGH!' Dumbledore bellowed, raising his arms authoritatively for silence, his whole being seemed to be radiating phosphorescence white. He turned solemnly towards Severus and glowered at him. It was the sort of disappointed stare that made you feel ever the more terrible and guilty. For a moment, you thought Dumbledore was about to hit Snape, but then he merely lifted his wand and said, 'Severus, I challenge you to a duel to the finish. Whosoever wins shall have the maiden's hand or else ulp.'
You couldn't believe what you had just heard! Hermione had said before that it was the official customary words to use if you wanted to challenge someone to a serious wizard's duel. The blunt peremptory knowledge that Professor Dumbledore was challenging Snape numbed you so much that you remained motionless in your seat, petrified. Beside you, a sharp intake of breath could be heard as well as a grabbing of robes and a 'Sod off!' from Ron.
At this point, several things happened at once, which to the untrained mind could have easily been muddled by the overlaying sequences. Firstly, Snape was so overwrought by the prospect of actually duelling with a powerful wizard like Dumbledore that he began jabbering, getting shriller by the moment in his panic. No doubt offering some conciliatory words to the inexorable Dumbledore. ('Venerable-benignant-sir-surely-hath-not-a-callous-heart?') The dungeon door was thrown wide again, and out sallied a melee of teachers, trailing a ditzy Trelawney who was bent over a teacup looking utterly like a geomancer. Finally, a large pompous beetle decided to land on Ron's nose, triggering an earth-shattering "ACHOOO!" and a very indignant look from a ruffled critter.
'Are we there yet? It's past our repast,' someone protested irritably.
'O Merlin!' gasped Professor Flitwick, who despite his height, spotted the unfolding trouble first, 'What's going on?'
'Aha! What did my tealeaves portend? Give it up Minerva! I have the sight! And before I drift off with yet another vision, you owe me 50 sickles,' Trelawney's ethereal voice floated in as she extended a cupped hand under McGonagall's nose, plastering a smug little face on as she did so.
'That was just pure coincidence, Sybill. Anyway your so-called "litany of disasters at 12 o'clock" is hardly accurate. It is already half past twelve and obviously, "disasters" is too vague a definition,' McGonagall retorted primly, though a little miffed that Trelawney should be proven right for once even if it was shoddy prediction.
'STUPEFY!'
The jet of red light flew over Snape's shoulder and hit a glass-fronted cabinet filled with an assortment of pickled creatures, narrowly missing his head. Following which, several jars of writhing tentacles exploded, spewing it contents on nearby students whilst bottles of hazardous looking poisons combusted over a Bunsen burner near where Snape's hand had been had he dawdled a second later.
'Are you trying to hex me into oblivion old man?' cried Snape, hurrying to keep up with Dumbledore's pace. 'Accio Potions!'
Potion bottles lining the shelves zoomed to Snape's bidding than changed course and bounded towards Dumbledore.
'Amusing playground we have here, eh Severus?' replied Dumbledore coldly, deflecting a chain of curses and disarming charms as well as the rouge bottles headed his way, shattering them in mid-flight.
Snape hardly had time to answer because at that precise moment, he made contact with a spell and his head instantaneously sprouted feelers. You wanted to mock his highly unusual appearance, but immediately suppressed the urge as a couple of stray spells launched themselves towards the seated class, inducing several shrieks and scuffles as the students attempted to dislodge themselves from harms way. The resultant crash etched numerous semi-spherical craters on the dungeon floor. Dumbledore and Snape lurched past, duelling so fiercely that by this time, their wands were blurs. Amidst the catastrophe, you hurriedly pull your best friends aside. It would be wise to observe the emerging spectacle from a safe corner.
'What in the name of Merlin are you two boys doing!' shouted McGonagall over the din, looking highly disconcerted, 'By the way Severus, I thought you were conducting the ATP class? What happened while I was away?'
'Dumbledore-,' Snape dodged a spell, 'got- pant -jealous-,' Snape dodged a catapulting broomstick, '-of- ARG! –us.' At this point, Snape launched a fluke spell, which sailed waveringly and hit a cauldron – Neville's cauldron to be precise.
'Oh, no.'
BOOM!
Luckily, it was only a mini eruption causing the contents to spew forth and slather only Snape and Dumbledore who both happened to be in its targeted vicinity. They appeared to be covered in what can be best described as lemon-coloured puce.
'Good thinking, Severus,' muttered Dumbledore wryly whilst McGonagall 'Scourgify!'-ed them and magicked Severus' feelers off. Meanwhile, you notice Umbridge creeping cautiously towards the dungeon doors…
'What is the meaning of this, Albus?' McGonagall asked, raising an eyebrow in query, 'I am appalled by your violent and savage behaviour towards Severus! That is highly unlike you!'
'You are having an affair with Severus,' Dumbledore replied tersely, a touch of asperity in his voice.
'Oooo!' cried Sybill dramatically, 'Adultery! It clouds the inner eye!'
'Gasp! What! Albus, I was never yours! Neither am I Severus'. It is all on your wishful thinking!'
'You're telling me that you and Severus are not an item? What about the Tango then?'
'Nothing transpired between us! I maintain a professional and platonic relationship with my colleagues at all times!' McGonagall declared, although her cheeks displayed otherwise - a suspicious suffusing of pink was creeping through.
POOF!
Suddenly, the pompous beetle that had sat on Ron's nose morphed and out came Rita Skeeter, re-employed journalist on the Daily Prophet after her amazing coverage article on Harry in the Quibbler. Her elaborate blonde curls; scarlet two-inch talons and jewelled winged glasses were back, along with the crocodile-skin handbag and the infamous acid-green Quick-Quotes Quill. Except that she was sitting on a rather startled Ron's lap.
'Oh, sorry dear,' Rita hopped off Ron, throwing him an apologetic smile as she sucked her Quick Quotes Quill, poising it at the ready on a piece of parchment. Rita sauntered over to Dumbledore, lowering her glasses and subjecting him to a rapturous enquiring tone typical of all tabloid journalists, 'How has the revelation of your most trusted aides falling in love made you feel, Dumbledore? Betrayed? Distraught? Livid!'
Rita turned on McGonagall, staring at her avidly, 'Professor McGonagall, is it true that you are two-timing the Head and the potions master? What are your feelings now that your ploy has been uncovered?' For the first time in your life, you actually witnessed Professor McGonagall speechless, the rasping sound dying in her throat.
'Rita!' said Hermione warningly.
'Your terms don't extend to your professors, Miss Granger. No, it doesn't. So you can't do anything or I'll have my lawyers over,' sneered Rita.
'Hey! Where do you think you're going?' you started after Umbridge who was silently slipping away from the scene. In your haste you tripped, spiralling forwards…
'ARGHHHHH! SMOOCH! ' Your lips made contact with Umbridge's repulsive skin. The room fell into a horrific silence.
'ribit!' A most atrocious sight met your eyes – Umbridge had transformed into a squat, flabby- faced toad! So, that was what the screeching earlier on had been about! However, everyone was momentarily distracted from your little accident by the yelp of surprise Dumbledore gave. A distinct change in his physical appearance was noticeable, and you thought, as you gaze upon him, you saw somewhat of a- curvy figure? Most feminine, indeed.
The class exploded in mirthful delight! Snape prodded the headmaster and looked on the verge of hyperventilating though he caught himself immediately when he noticed sharp fangs burgeoning from his mouth and the disturbing way Dumbledore was blushing.
'Looks like you loved a vampire, Minerva,' commented Sybill, singing happily at this outrageous catastrophe.
'Better than loving a woman,' said McGonagall crisply, bristling in indignant embarrassment as Rita clamoured around the victims, firing all of the professors embroiled in the case with questions. (Do you know exactly What Women Want now, Dumbledore? Mr. Snape, do you really have vampire in your lineage or is this simply a result of Mr. Longbottom's potion?) Meanwhile, you dangle the toad by its leg, holding it up as you wrinkle your nose in disgust.
'Erm…Frog stew, anyone?'
A/N: Ok, I know it took a really long time for me to finish this one. But I was, yes, getting a bit sick of fluff and fanfiction. I might continue this fluff. (Exploring Dumbledore's currently weird sexual state and the SS/MM, AD/ST ships.) Half-blood Prince is coming out soon…Wish everyone luck in their fantasized ships! (The series is ending!)
