Chapter Sixty-Nine

"Cal, come here!" called Sawyer. Confused, I dropped my book bag and followed his voice to the porch outside. We kissed briefly before I settled down beside him.

"What are we looking at?" I asked, as he stared at the cushion on one of the deck chairs.

"Shh. Wait," he instructed.

"BJ…" I began, but I stopped when the cushion moved and a kitten sprang out.

"That is what we're looking at," he said proudly. I smiled as she began to inspect my left foot, stretched out in front of me.

"What?" I asked, looking sideways at him.

"It's our kitten. Chapman's parents got her, but then they had to move. So he was looking for a new home for her, so I took her in. Do you mind?" he asked anxiously.

"No, not at all. I love cats. You hate cats," I reminded him. I stared at it-it was almost entirely black but for the tip of it tale, which was white, and its back right foot.

"I do hate cats. But I love you, and you love cats," he said, putting an arm around me and pulling me close as he kissed the top of my head. As I began to squirm, Mark but an arm on my shoulder to stop me from moving away…

I shook my head to clear it of the image as I looked back to the cat.

"What's her name?" I asked.

"Your choice."

"Um. Sallie," I said quickly.

"Okay, sounds good. Any particular reason?" he asked.

"Oh you know… There's Naley, and we're Sallie…" I said uncomfortably. He threw back his head and laughed.

"I suppose we are. I never thought about it. Are you happy?" he asked.

"With the cat? Yes, she's perfect," I said.

"I meant in life, but I guess it's a start," he said, standing and holding his hand out to me.

Part of me wanted to do what I knew what was right. He was being adorable. He was concerned about me. He wanted all my sadness to go away. Part of me wanted to take him upstairs and get back into our pattern of constant doing it.

The other part of me was terrified. That part of me knew that if we went upstairs and got on that bed, I'd begin to remember, to replace Sawyer's body with Mark's. Everything he did that I used to enjoy would remind me of the time I'd been forced into it, the time that had seemingly ruined my life. In addition, I knew that if Sawyer saw all of my body again he'd see the bruise on my collarbone, the one on my thigh, the rings around my wrists – all the telltale signs that screamed out to anyone what had taken place.

The kitten followed us inside and began to explore the living room while Sawyer and I headed to the kitchen.

I smiled across at him as our song came from the stereo-out from it flew the beautiful lyrics that had come to mean everything to me.

"Uh, come here," he said. I obeyed, and walked across to him. He put his hand on the small of my back, and took my left hand in his. Smiling, I put my other hand on his shoulder and we began to dance.

"Remember on the river court..?" I said. He smiled.

"Clearly." He leaned down and kissed me. Banishing all other thoughts from my head, I opened my lips and began to explore his mouth with my tongue while my eyes slowly fluttered closed.

As the song ended, he picked me up and put me on the edge of the kitchen counter and made for my shirt buttons. Quenching my fears, my doubts, I allowed him to keep doing it.

I screamed as he put his hands on my shoulders and began to press my upper body down onto the granite. He pulled back in shock, and I sprang back up.

"You're hurting me…" I managed to gasp.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it… I'm sorry," he said, looking scared. I put my hands around his neck and he hugged me close, rubbing my back and soothing me softly as my tears dried.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Just tired," I said. He took me into his arms again and I relaxed as he began to carry me upstairs, as he'd done so often though usually for an entirely different purpose.

My tears finally stilled as I put my arms up and he pulled off my shirt and I shook off the skirt I was wearing. He stripped off his own shirt and jeans and climbed into the bed beside me, putting his arms around me as I rested my head on his shoulder, as I did every night.

"I'm cold," I said suddenly.

"I'll keep you safe," he said, as my eyelids fluttered and I drifted off to a sleep unplagued by nightmares.

I awoke when the sky was in between night and day. His arms were still around me, and I did feel safe.

"Are you awake?" I asked.

"Of course I'm awake, it's barely evening. How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I'm all right. I've been asleep for two hours? What have you been doing?" I asked.

"Being here. Do you want to talk?" he asked. I took a deep breath.

"Later," I said, losing my courage.