Chapter 2
Sully rocked his granddaughter in his arms as he waited in the main part of the clinic for Michaela to finish nursing little Beth again. Andrew was still sitting upstairs with Colleen, and the rest of the children were waiting quietly with their father. Matthew and Brian were solemn, and tears would fall silently every once in awhile. Katie didn't know what was wrong, but she could sense that something wasn't right from the silence and uneasy atmosphere in the room.
The unnamed child was just a little over an hour old, and Sully couldn't believe how peacefully she was sleeping. She had no idea that her mother was dead or that her life had changed forever the moment she was born. She wasn't supposed to grow up without a mother to help her through all of those troubling girl issues that came with becoming a young woman. She wasn't supposed to remember her mother as just another woman with an ambition higher than most. She was supposed to grow up with a loving mother; a mother who had accomplished something she'd wanted for so many years. She was supposed to be able to tell her friends about how her mother had saved so many lives in her years as a doctor. She'd never get the chance to even hear her mother's voice.
Word of Colleen's death had gotten around town, and several of the town's citizens were waiting outside; holding a prayer meeting for the sweet young woman's soul and her precious newborn baby.
Meanwhile, Michaela was staring blankly at the wall as she rocked her daughter back and forth in the rocking chair. All she could think about was the look on Colleen's face just before she passed away. She'd seen only a glimpse of her beautiful child, and then she was gone. Gone. How could she be gone? She had always been an incredibly bright and loving person with only the best intentions and expectations for her future. She'd aspired to be a doctor just like her mother, and she'd helped take care of a family who loved her so very much. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Parents were not supposed to outlive their children, and now Michaela was left with a gaping hole in her heart; she was grieving for her daughter. All she wanted was to have her back and to see that smile one more time.
Beth began to fuss, and Michaela knew it was time for her nap. She pulled the baby away from her breast and buttoned her shirt. Once Beth had been burped and was feeling relaxed, Michaela stood and slowly took her into the other room. Sully was rocking a still-sleeping baby girl in his arms. She'd been born without a name, and Colleen had never expressed what names she'd had in mind for her unborn child. Perhaps Andrew would know.
"She's ready for her nap," Michaela said, not looking her husband in the eye. She looked toward the bassinet, sensing her sons' eyes on her the entire time. She wanted to break down again, and just when she thought she was all cried out of tears, another one slipped out, cascaded down her face, and it left a moist spot upon her blouse.
Katie, seeing how sad her mother looked, began to cry, and Brian tried his best to silently calm her, but when her cries grew louder, he and Matthew took her out the back, hoping to avoid anyone who wanted to give their condolences. They didn't want to think about it now, but neither one of them could help it. Colleen's tragic and unexpected death was the only thing they could think about, and they kept flashbacking to all of the times their sister had helped them, and they in kind, helped her. Both Matthew and Brian wished that they could have done something to save their sister, but it had all happened so fast, and not even Dr. Mike could save her. Dr. Mike was supposed to be able to do anything, and now they saw their mother at her weakest point ever. They wanted to console her, but caring for Katie at the moment seemed easier to handle. They stood outside, leaning against the door with a crying Katie between them. Why their sister? Why did God have to take Colleen?
Sully walked up behind his wife and gently put a hand on her back. She didn't pull away from his touch, but she didn't react to it either. She stood with her hands on the side of the bassinet and stared down at her little girl. Colleen and Andrew's daughter began to squirm in Sully's arms, and he tensed up, not knowing what he should do. He knew how to be a father, but being a grandfather was completely new to him. He couldn't pass her back to her parents now. Her mother was gone, and her father was absolutely distraught with grief. Andrew was in a place that he'd been so many years ago when Abagail died.
"Michaela," Sully said softly. "Maybe I should go get some of that prepared formula from Loren." Michaela turned quickly, her eyes brimming with tears. He could see that dark circles were forming around her eyes, and her mouth was set in a limp, broken frown. He had never seen her so upset before. He'd seen her after what happened at Washita, but now, after he'd seen her fall to the floor in his arms earlier, he noticed that she was quiet, sad and showed every sign of bursting into tears at any moment. She was trembling slightly, and he knew that she wouldn't be able to keep going without resting for much longer. She was already exhausted enough from Beth's birth, and now that Colleen was gone, she wouldn't be able to eat or sleep. Sully knew his wife was forever changed. "I'll be right back." Michaela shook her head.
"She's so young, Sully. We don't know if she'll take to it or not."
"What do ya suggest we do then?" Sully asked, searching her depressed features for any sign of understanding. She looked as if she were broken and beaten on the inside, and he felt the same way. But, they had to think of the present right now, and not the 'what ifs.' They needed to think about this tiny life that needed one hundred and fifty percent of their attention at this very moment. They needed to grieve, and they would have their time to do so, but Colleen and Andrew's daughter had to come first no matter what. She didn't know what was happening, and her needs couldn't be neglected for anything else. Michaela's fingers gently picked up her granddaughter's hand. There was only one thing she could do right now, and she wasn't sure she should do it. Colleen was gone, and the baby had to eat. Wet nurses were used for substitutes for their mothers all of the time, but she had never in a million years thought that the time would come when she'd have to nurse her own grandchild. "Michaela?"
"I'll take her," she whispered, brushing another tear away. Sully looked at her with surprise in his eyes, but his love for her seemed to grow even more, if it was possible. Michaela had a heart as big as the whole world, and it seemed to get bigger every day.
"What?"
"This baby needs nourishment just as much as Beth does," she whispered. "Colleen wouldn't want her daughter drinking those infant formulas."
"Ya don't gotta do this. I could get . . ."
"Sully . . . she's our granddaughter, and she's hungry. There is no other choice." She took her granddaughter into her arms and disappeared into the other room again. As she sat down in the rocking chair, she began to cry again. Her granddaughter's arms and legs flailed about as she screamed louder and louder for food. She didn't know if she felt it was her place to do this, but she knew that Colleen wouldn't want a stranger to care for her baby and give it nourishment when someone who already loved her and wanted to help was able to nourish her.
Having her granddaughter nursing from her breast felt no different than holding Beth as she nursed. The baby ate hungrily, and her little hands rested on Michaela's chest.
"I never thought this would happen, little one," Michaela whispered. "Your mother wanted you so much. She always talked about you in her letters, and she would pause to write about your kicking whenever you would kick her. She talked about you even before she knew you were on the way. She wanted you so much, and I don't know why she'll never get the chance to hold you and kiss you. Just know that your mother loves you very much. So does your grandmother." She pressed a kiss to her fingertips and pressed her fingers gently upon the baby's cheek.
She heard footsteps behind her and looked over to see Sully.
"I'm proud of ya, Michaela."
"It's nothing to be proud of. This child needs me, and I'm going to be here for her in any way I can." Sully pressed a kiss to his wife's cheek.
"You're right. Colleen would want it this way."
"Colleen wouldn't want it this way," Michaela said, shaking her head. "She would want to be doing this herself."
"Ya know what I mean." Michaela nodded sadly, and the tears started anew. Sully knelt beside the chair, and his hand rested upon his wife's knee. He looked up into her eyes, but she avoided them, not wanting him to see the true amount of pain she was in. Not yet, anyway. She wanted to finish with the baby before she completely broke down. "I love you, Michaela." Michaela nodded, her lower lip trembling with sadness. She bit her lip and let hot tears stream down her cheeks.
"I know. I love you," she whispered, her faint voice cracking under the strain as she choked back a sob. Sully didn't want to leave Michaela alone, but he knew that she wanted to be alone for a while to finish nursing the baby. He didn't know how long Andrew would be upstairs, and he couldn't help but think back to when Abagail died. It seemed like it had been a million years ago. He hoped he'd be able to offer some comforting words to his son-in-law, but he wasn't even sure how he could comfort his family or himself during this horribly difficult time.
Andrew stood by the balcony in Colleen's room. He'd hidden her body under a fresh white blanket. He didn't want her exposed to the rest of the world. No, he wanted her to lie in peace with their daughter's face as her last memory.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, looking out as rain clouds hid the sun, threatening a sudden downpour at any given moment. "I'm sorry, Colleen. I didn't think this could ever happen to us . . . to you. I was so worried about everything else . . . money mostly. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you preparing for our baby. I'm sorry I wasn't there as much as I should have been."
Lightning struck somewhere in the mountains; somewhere that would be scarred for eternity by the white-hot burn of Mother Nature. Andrew felt as if his entire world had been struck and was shaking and tearing violently from the core outward. He felt as if it would never stop hurting, and this was only the beginning. He wasn't feeling the full impact of his wife's death due to the shock, and it would only be a matter of time before it really sank in.
"You shouldn't have left," he whispered, closing his eyes and feeling his hot tears beating against the inside of his eyelids. When he opened his eyes to the gloomy street again, the tears were left free to fall. "Our baby needs you. She's a girl just like you wanted. I know you wouldn't say it, but I heard you talking to your grandmother. I heard you telling her how you dreamed our baby was a girl." Andrew turned toward the bed to face his wife's lifeless form. He wanted to yell at her for leaving. He wanted to blame her for leaving him on earth to take care of a child he had no clue how to take care of. Being a doctor, he knew it was impossible for his beloved Colleen to come back to him, but he only wished he could have a second chance to do it all again. What was he going to do with a child? How was he going to balance his grief, his work in Boston and a newborn baby that probably looked exactly like her mother. God, he hadn't even gotten a good look at the baby, and when he had seen her, it had been a quick glimpse. If she looked like Colleen, he didn't know how he'd be able to take staring into that little face every day and seeing the woman he vowed to love and be with for eternity. Eternity? What a joke.
Andrew walked out into the hallway and shut the door behind himself. He couldn't stand it in there any longer, and as he was starting for the stairs, his knees gave out underneath him. He fell to the floor, and as his body slumped over, his head pressed against the hard wall. He wanted to throw something or tear his own hair out to relieve the pounding anger and grief that was surging through his veins. He felt as if his world had just collapsed, and as he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, he wished that his subconscious could submerge his soul into the dark comfort of a dream. If only it were all just a bad dream he could wake up and have his beautiful wife back in his arms.
"Andrew . . ." Andrew knew that voice. It was Sully's, and he didn't know how he could face him. In part, Andrew blamed himself. The child that Colleen had died giving birth to had been a child he'd help to create. How could he face Colleen's father now? How could he face a man who just might blame him too?
"I can't do this," Andrew said, his eyes staying shut as he sat slumped on the floor. Sully swallowed the lump in his throat. His heart was heavy from the passing of his oldest daughter, and the pain was doubling by the moment with memories of Abagail and Hanna's tragic and untimely deaths.
"I know it feels like that now. Ya feel like you're up to your chest in mud, and it's wrappin' 'round ya so hard and tight that ya feel like it's gonna crush the life out of ya." Sully leaned against the wall, closed his eyes, folded his arms across his chest and let out a long, heavy breath that seemed to ache with every moment that passed by. "That's how I felt after my Abagail died."
"Your wife," Andrew said softly.
"And Hanna, my little girl," Sully replied, tears forming in his eyes, knowing exactly what kind of pain Andrew was going through right now, only he knew that Andrew's pain was worse in a way, because Colleen had been his true love. Abagail had been the first woman Sully ever loved, but he'd found true love later. That wasn't going to happen for Andrew, and Sully could sense it. Colleen and Andrew were to one another what Michaela and Sully were. Soul mates. "I loved 'em so much, and the pain is still there, but it ain't what it used to be." Andrew shook his head. "I know that don't make much sense right now."
"Nothing makes sense, Sully!" Andrew yelled out. "All in the matter of a few hours, I became a widower and a single father who knows nothing about raising children! She shouldn't have left me! This is my fault!" Sully had known Andrew would say that. So many people placed blame upon themselves after a tragic loss, and in this chase, the blame wasn't being placed properly. There was nobody to blame here, and it was going to take time for everyone to accept that.
"It ain't your fault." Andrew stood up.
"The baby. She'll be hungry." Sully put his hand on Andrew's shoulder and squeezed it firmly to stop him from starting toward the stairs in his state-of-mind.
"Michaela's takin' care of her."
"Michaela?" Andrew asked, his hands trembling as they moved to his face to rub the tears and exhaustion from his eyes.
"She's feedin' her and takin' good care of her." Andrew felt his heart leap into his throat out of guilt. He knew he should be bonding with his new daughter and telling her how special her mother was, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't get past the fact that his wife's spirit had left the Earth, leaving her lifeless body lying in bloody sheets upon a bed in a dim little clinic in the dusty town of Colorado Springs.
"I need to get out of here," he said quietly. Sully shook his head.
"Ya need to spend time with the baby," he explained. "I woulda given anything to get to hold my baby 'fore she died, but I was busy screamin' up at the sky, askin' whoever was listenin' why they had to take my wife away from me. Hanna died before I even got to tell her I loved her." Andrew blinked and stared into the eyes of the grieving father in front of him.
"The baby . . . you're saying . . ."
"The baby's fine. All I'm sayin' is that ya don't wanna take that chance."
"I can't," Andrew said quietly. "I need to be alone." Andrew pushed his way past Sully, and a moment later, he was leaving the clinic to find a place where he could have some quiet and time to think. Sully decided to give the young man some time alone, because he knew that going after him and pressuring him to talk would get him nowhere.
He slowly placed his hand upon the stair rail and guided himself down into the small room where Michaela was finishing nursing their granddaughter.
"Sully?" Michaela asked, turning as she stood with the baby in her arms. She was relieved to see her husband, and she needed him to hold her and comfort her.
"Want me to take her?"
"Yes. Put her down with Beth, please?" Michaela asked as she handed the child over and began to button up her blouse. Sully nodded and carried the baby girl away. Michaela waited, feeling her head begin to pound from the tension in her body and heart.
The door opened, and Michaela turned to see her sons walking in with Katie in their arms.
"Sorry," Brian said quietly. "Katie was getting fussy, and we wanted to come see how you, Pa and Andrew were doin'."
"That was very sweet," Michaela whispered, placing her hand on her youngest son's cheek. "You don't have to be so strong for me, Brian. I know you miss your sister." She looked up at Matthew. "You too. The both of you have been with Colleen all of your lives, and I don't want you feeling obligated to stay strong for my sake." She wiped a tear away, and Matthew pulled her into a hug. She could hear his breath shaking as he inhaled slowly.
Brian was the next to hug her, and as he pulled away, he transferred Katie into her arms. They were all crying silently now, but Brian looked toward the stairs.
"How are we supposed to say goodbye?" Without another word, the two started up the stairs. Michaela watched them and bit her trembling bottom lip as they disappeared. She held Katie close to her body, and moved toward the window. She pushed back the lace of the curtain to see the sun beginning to shine through the clouds. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, taking it as a sign that Colleen was listening. She prayed silently until Sully came back, and when she felt him behind her; felt his arms encircle her and Katie, she leaned against him and felt the beating of his heart in his chest.
"We need to speak with Andrew."
"I did," Sully said quietly. "I told him to come down here for a while, but he didn't listen. He went off." Michaela spun in his arms.
"Sully, you didn't go after him?"
"I didn't think it was my place."
"You're Colleen's father, for goodness sakes! Of course it was your place!"
"I know what he's goin' through, Michaela, and I know he needs some time to himself."
"He needs to bond with his daughter." Michaela carried Katie into the other room, placed her down to play and re-joined Sully in the other room, keeping the door slightly ajar so she could listen for the children. "Sully, that little girl has just lost her mother, and she has absolutely no idea!"
"She's not the only one who lost Colleen. We all did," Sully whispered. Michaela closed her eyes and calmed herself before speaking again.
"Andrew is confused, Sully. He doesn't know which direction he's moving in, and he's a new father. He can't just seclude himself from everyone and everything. He has a child to think about now!"
"He needs time, Michaela!" Sully said impatiently, his own voice breaking.
"You think I don't know that?" Michaela wondered, her eyes gleaming from the painful memories. "I mourned David when I thought he was dead. I mourned him for years, Sully! And when you went missing after helping Cloud Dancing and the Cheyenne escape from the reservation, I knew in my heart that you were alive, but my body was preparing me to mourn you anyway. Sully, I've lost so many people near and dear to me in my life, and I know that the best medicine is to have the support of the people you love." Sully took his wife's trembling hands in his.
"I know," he whispered, "but I also know that sortin' things out for yourself first can help ya see more clearly. Let's give him a little time. He's gonna have the rest of his life to be with his daughter. Right now, he needs to come to terms with the fact that Colleen ain't gonna get that chance." The reality of Sully's speech sat heavily in Michaela's heart, and she pulled her arms around him, holding him tightly against her. She needed his arms to hold her, and she needed him to tell her that it would work out and that Colleen was in a better place. As if he'd read her mind, Sully's arms snugly pulled him closer to his wife, and he whispered to her, assuring her that Colleen wasn't suffering anymore.
